(no subject)
how i can feel this horrible and still not be able to cry, still not show any signs of emotion what so ever.. amazes me.
i've lost it. i've truly lost it. i have nothing or no one to live for. sympathy is bullshit, so im not looking for any of it. it's just.. facts. im facing the facts, i am alone. i got what i wanted. i can't complain. i seriously though about it last night, and i dont know why it's just now hitting me.. there is no one. at all. i have no one, i dont have friends.
i have people that tell me where all the parties are, and thats about it. and thats what i've been satisfied with. and it seems like i care more about them then the people that were once my "real" friends. because they were giving me what i needed, they are feeding my addiction. and in doing this, i've turned my back on the people that actually cared. i dont see why they cared in the first place.
im completely miserable. and for the first time in months i cant hold back these stupid tears, i cant even see the computer screen. i took too many sleeping pills. i cant think. i cant type. i cant express myself. i just want it to be over. god i want it to be over so bad.
EDIT: last night was probably the most hopeless i've ever felt. a lot of today was just as horrible. and i actually planned on going back in the hospital when i left counseling. but every thing is better now. between truly wishing i was dead last night, then getting it all out today at the psychiatrist, and most importantly getting a phone call from the only person who can look past every horrible, dirty thing i've done and love me anyway, and not let me push them away.. i feel like i've worked a lot out. and i think i'm to be a better person from all this, when you hit rock bottom, theres no where to go but up..
i've lost it. i've truly lost it. i have nothing or no one to live for. sympathy is bullshit, so im not looking for any of it. it's just.. facts. im facing the facts, i am alone. i got what i wanted. i can't complain. i seriously though about it last night, and i dont know why it's just now hitting me.. there is no one. at all. i have no one, i dont have friends.
i have people that tell me where all the parties are, and thats about it. and thats what i've been satisfied with. and it seems like i care more about them then the people that were once my "real" friends. because they were giving me what i needed, they are feeding my addiction. and in doing this, i've turned my back on the people that actually cared. i dont see why they cared in the first place.
im completely miserable. and for the first time in months i cant hold back these stupid tears, i cant even see the computer screen. i took too many sleeping pills. i cant think. i cant type. i cant express myself. i just want it to be over. god i want it to be over so bad.
EDIT: last night was probably the most hopeless i've ever felt. a lot of today was just as horrible. and i actually planned on going back in the hospital when i left counseling. but every thing is better now. between truly wishing i was dead last night, then getting it all out today at the psychiatrist, and most importantly getting a phone call from the only person who can look past every horrible, dirty thing i've done and love me anyway, and not let me push them away.. i feel like i've worked a lot out. and i think i'm to be a better person from all this, when you hit rock bottom, theres no where to go but up..