♥ so hard to say good-bye
♥ this week was supposed to make me feel better. i was supposed to take a mental break from everything, and bam. i continue to take hits, over and over and over again. i've been struck so hard this time that i can't even really imagine just "bouncing back" from it. it hasn't even really sunk in yet...
♥ yesterday, my dog was shaking so violently on the bed that he woke me up. i looked over at him, thinking he was having a nightmare, and saw that he was drooling a lot and this wasn't normal shaking. i thought that he could be choking, either on his tongue or vomit, so i brought him over to the side of the bed and tried to get his head to point down. when i did that, the shakes got worse and he fell off the bed, continuing the same actions on the hardwood floors. i ran into the kitchen and called my mom, she didn't know what i should do, except for getting him outside. his shaking stopped, but restarted a few minutes later. i was freaking out and crying; i love my dog so much. eventually, i got him hooked up to the leash and got him outside.i cleaned up my mom's room (that's where we were since i had slept on the couch and moved in there after my rents went to work) and brought a big blanket outside. i laid out there, just watching him, and he was acting like he didn't even know who i was. i fed him some lunchmeat, just to see if he would eat it, and he did. that made me feel a lot better, and i got him to drink some water. my mom came home for a few minutes and we decided to take him to the vet. he wasn't acting like himself. my mom cooked him some eggs before we left, and that was that.
♥ at the vet, he started to lose control of his urine. there were drops just falling out at random, but the vet confirmed my suspicions -- he had had a seizure. she said that it usually doesn't occur in older dogs unless there's something severely wrong metabolically, or if they have cancer. instead of jumping to conclusions and putting my krash down, they took blood from him. ultimately, it was my decision. i wanted him to have a shot to make it. i love him so much. he's been so good to me.
♥ we brought him home, and he was fine. he ate more eggs, drank a lot of water, and walked around. we gave him a tylenol to help his muscle pain the vet had told us about, and he seemed to come around a little bit. until around 8:15, he was fine. then he had another seizure. my mom had to hold him down so that he didn't hurt himself. at that point, my parents had no choice. we had to take him tobe put down. my mom and i went, and i felt so awful. i didn't want krash to die. i wanted to have him with me. i knew he was in pain, but i really did want him to stay with me. when we reached the place, i broke down. krash was looking so much better after that second seizure. what if it had corrected whatever was bothering him? that didn't matter, though, because we didn't even know what was bringing them on.
♥ at around 9, they gave him the shot. it killed him almost instantly. i'm glad that krash didn't have time to think about it, or to have any pain. i wouldn't want that. i wouldn't want him to be mad at me. i just didn't want to see him suffer anymore, you know?and that was the hardest thing i've ever done. i couldn't even watch the vet give him the needle. i broke down so badly, and i've been crying ever since it happened. when i woke up this morning, i thought to myself, "i need to let the dog out" because that's the first thing i did almost everyday for 4 years and 3 days. we got my dog on april 26th, 2000, and put him down on april 29th, 2004. in that time, i got more attached to him then i ever have to anything else. my heart is so broken right now, and it's hard to breathe. my eyes are stinging from crying, and i just need to talk to someone. i just don't know who would possibly understand this...and everyone's away, anyways. i have his collar, leash, and his ashes will be here in two weeks. can you believe that it costs $239 to get them back? i can't.
♥ i love you, krash, and you'll always be in my heart. you're the best friend i've ever had and i miss you so much already. i'm sorry that you were hurting, and that i had to choose to end your suffering. you know that i wanted you here with me and that i need you still. i love you, and i'm sorry if i ever did anything to hurt you. good-bye.
♥ kristin