He's a real nowhere Man, sitting in his Nowhere Land
I hate myself at times, because I have no self-discipline when it comes to things I have to do. I get so caught up in fanfiction or making mood themes that I forget about reality. I’m supposed to practice the piano daily for an hour or more, and most of the time I don’t even practice at all until the day before my lesson. Or I put off school work for another day until everything piles up and I get so fucking stressed out, like I am right now.
I shouldn’t even be writing this. This entry is proof that I have no control. I need to set a timetable, and I need to follow it. No more procrastinating or giving up.
I almost started crying yesterday because none of my clothing fits. And then I think about why - I’ve stopped exercising again. “Another day, I’m too bloody tired at the moment.” Well, it’s been almost two weeks and I’m as unsatisfied with myself as I was when I began pilates. And by not exercising I am becoming more tired and unhealthier.
I’ve become depressed again, because I am so displeased with my appearance and my life (or lack their of). I just want to curl up under my blankets and hide. But I have enough sense to know that will accomplish nothing. I need to focus, think about the future, not live my days in fantasy words. I need to limit myself. I’ve almost become addicted, something as straight edge, I didn't ever want to be. While others may waste their life drinking or doing drugs, I’m wasting mine by not focusing on reality. I am loosing myself everyday.
I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I don’t want to be this person.
And this is why I've created the new 'I will not be a spinste!' timetable:
9am: Wake up, half an hour on the computer.
9:30am: Breakfast.
9:45am: Start school.
12pm: Lunch, forty five minutes time eating while on the computer (multi-tasking!).
12:45am: School.
4pm: Free time (internet, Oprah…)
5pm: Practice the piano.
5:30pm: Eat dinner/or help prepare dinner (matters the Father’s schedule)
6something pm: Free time.
6:45pm: Practice Priscilla some more.
7pm: Homework.
8pm: Television/and or internet or card making.
(must make at least two cards in time allotted)
10pm: Pilates.
10: 45pm: Free time till whenever I go to sleep.
I shouldn’t even be writing this. This entry is proof that I have no control. I need to set a timetable, and I need to follow it. No more procrastinating or giving up.
I almost started crying yesterday because none of my clothing fits. And then I think about why - I’ve stopped exercising again. “Another day, I’m too bloody tired at the moment.” Well, it’s been almost two weeks and I’m as unsatisfied with myself as I was when I began pilates. And by not exercising I am becoming more tired and unhealthier.
I’ve become depressed again, because I am so displeased with my appearance and my life (or lack their of). I just want to curl up under my blankets and hide. But I have enough sense to know that will accomplish nothing. I need to focus, think about the future, not live my days in fantasy words. I need to limit myself. I’ve almost become addicted, something as straight edge, I didn't ever want to be. While others may waste their life drinking or doing drugs, I’m wasting mine by not focusing on reality. I am loosing myself everyday.
I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I don’t want to be this person.
And this is why I've created the new 'I will not be a spinste!' timetable:
9am: Wake up, half an hour on the computer.
9:30am: Breakfast.
9:45am: Start school.
12pm: Lunch, forty five minutes time eating while on the computer (multi-tasking!).
12:45am: School.
4pm: Free time (internet, Oprah…)
5pm: Practice the piano.
5:30pm: Eat dinner/or help prepare dinner (matters the Father’s schedule)
6something pm: Free time.
6:45pm: Practice Priscilla some more.
7pm: Homework.
8pm: Television/and or internet or card making.
(must make at least two cards in time allotted)
10pm: Pilates.
10: 45pm: Free time till whenever I go to sleep.