False positives
This is me, with my heart on a platter.
I find myself overwhelmed at the moment. I have hardly taken a moment to just... sit... in way too long. I've spent the last month or so rushing between SF and Davis/Sacto, haven't been home in nearly a month, have worked late too many times to remember, was apartment hunting... life has been chaotic, and while I'm normally up to the challenge, I'm getting tired.
I'm seeing someone, who dropped into my life very suddenly, and normally, I'd fight that, and take things much slower, but it seemed to click, and why fight something that works? But what happens when it was maybe just too soon for both people in question... what happens when you're ok with riding your own doubt out, but maybe aren't ready for the reality of having to deal with someone else's (well founded though it may be)? A recipe for disaster? I'm not sure. I'm not sure what my boundaries are. Or what expectations I'm comfortable with. And what's fair at this point. So I haven't said anything, and I'm taking things as they come. We'll see how long that lasts.
I've more or less let go of the person who has tended to make my life more difficult than it needed to be (anyone need anymore clarification?). The more I hear about how two-faced he's been in the last year, how many friendships he's betrayed, how many people he's shown utter disregard for- the easier that is. It doesn't change how much I miss the guy I knew before all that, but I don't really believe he exists anymore. I resent him for making me as cautious as I have become. Someone asked me the other night, "Did you learn anything from it?" and I don't know that I did. Nothing I can find words for at the moment.
The show went amazingly. Far better than I could have hoped for. And I can't explain what it was like to have the majority of my close friends in one room at one time. How blown away I was by everyone's support. How proud I was of Sam and Dana. I have noticed that the pieces I tend to be inspired by usually have a cathartic response from an audience, and I've been thinking about ways to do that with people going through intense medical treatment. A branch off of the traditional art for recovery- performance art for recovery. Not for self therapy, but to reach out to others. It's a work in progress idea, but this show just reaffirmed to me that I can't let go of this aspect of my life.
I should go to sleep, I should stop thinking about the things making me question, I should stop questioning the things that are outwardly good, I should find peace in sleeping by myself for the first time in nearly a week, I should mentally gear up for the next couple days...
... and I would do all those things, but I can't seem to move from this chair.
I find myself overwhelmed at the moment. I have hardly taken a moment to just... sit... in way too long. I've spent the last month or so rushing between SF and Davis/Sacto, haven't been home in nearly a month, have worked late too many times to remember, was apartment hunting... life has been chaotic, and while I'm normally up to the challenge, I'm getting tired.
I'm seeing someone, who dropped into my life very suddenly, and normally, I'd fight that, and take things much slower, but it seemed to click, and why fight something that works? But what happens when it was maybe just too soon for both people in question... what happens when you're ok with riding your own doubt out, but maybe aren't ready for the reality of having to deal with someone else's (well founded though it may be)? A recipe for disaster? I'm not sure. I'm not sure what my boundaries are. Or what expectations I'm comfortable with. And what's fair at this point. So I haven't said anything, and I'm taking things as they come. We'll see how long that lasts.
I've more or less let go of the person who has tended to make my life more difficult than it needed to be (anyone need anymore clarification?). The more I hear about how two-faced he's been in the last year, how many friendships he's betrayed, how many people he's shown utter disregard for- the easier that is. It doesn't change how much I miss the guy I knew before all that, but I don't really believe he exists anymore. I resent him for making me as cautious as I have become. Someone asked me the other night, "Did you learn anything from it?" and I don't know that I did. Nothing I can find words for at the moment.
The show went amazingly. Far better than I could have hoped for. And I can't explain what it was like to have the majority of my close friends in one room at one time. How blown away I was by everyone's support. How proud I was of Sam and Dana. I have noticed that the pieces I tend to be inspired by usually have a cathartic response from an audience, and I've been thinking about ways to do that with people going through intense medical treatment. A branch off of the traditional art for recovery- performance art for recovery. Not for self therapy, but to reach out to others. It's a work in progress idea, but this show just reaffirmed to me that I can't let go of this aspect of my life.
I should go to sleep, I should stop thinking about the things making me question, I should stop questioning the things that are outwardly good, I should find peace in sleeping by myself for the first time in nearly a week, I should mentally gear up for the next couple days...
... and I would do all those things, but I can't seem to move from this chair.