(no subject)
man Im tired of fighting. Im tired of my life. I feel bad. I feel mad. all we do on the phone is fight. yeah there are some great conversations but it seems like everytime we spend the whole weekend together thenext day that we are apart we fight. im tired of being the one trying to hold everything together. Im tired of taking 1 step forward and then taking 2 steps back in life. Im sick of the fighting. Im sick of the bullshit in my life. Im confused and I dont know where to turn. it seems like everytime that we make progress and get away from the situation after working through it something else pops its ugly head together and then boom there we are again in fucked up land. Im tired of getting my past mistakes in my life thrown in my face. Im tired and worn out. Im trying to be the big guy and hold it all together and all i want to do is thrown my hands up in the air and give up. I dont know what else to do. I dont want to do that and I have never been more in love than I am in this relationship. But with all of the stress that I am trying to live through right now I dont know what I am going to do. I have bills due next week and dont even know where I am going to get the money. I have 1 more paycheck coming from walmart but I dont know where I am going to get the money after that. hopefully mcdonald technologies calls me tommorrow and puts me to work that same day. man things are just so damned confusing in my life right now. the one person that I can turn to seems like they are falling apart from me. my anger problems get in the way of my thinking and i feel that god doesnt even listen sometimes which I know is not true but its how I feel. I feel that she is being selfish with alot of stuff and just doesnt want to admit it. am I the one that is being wrong or am I the one that is trying to just hold it together. i feel that she expects so much more out of me than I can give right now. where am i to turn. i dont even know who to talk to about this whole thing. all i want to do is love and be loved. seems like i cant even get taht when she is in a bad mood and just starts accusing me of everything under the sun. my head hurts from thinking so hard that I feel like i just want to explode but then i try to hold it together. its already hard enough trying to deal with all of these emotions slammin me in the face right now and then add together the burden of being confused makes it so much more confusing. what am I to do. man i think i am just rambling and more right now. someone help me! God help me. god save me from these wretched thoughts. i am scared about being alone when all of my good good friends seem to be so happy with there lives. money always slaps us in the face all of the time and i feel that she wants something that i can not give her. well i guess thats enough for now. dont get me wrong this has been the greatest 1 1/2 years of my life since I have been with her I just dont know what to do anymore. someone help me. i am trying to be a man and just air it out to better help my mind set and clear out my thoughts. fuck it im going to bed i have to get up at like 7 am to go to work for a few hours and then go out job hunting again. hopefully mcdonald technologies calls me tommorrow if not I am going to call them about the job opening.