My future awaits my arrival, should I only be able to pull myself from my past.
Here I am at 4:04 am, up late again, and I seem to have found myself at the peak of my creativity or something. I have so many thoughts running so quickly through my mind that I gave up on writing in exchange for typing, as I seem to work faster that way. They say that changing up your schedule, in the case of trying to conquer any writers block for instance, is the best thing to inspire a burst of creativity. And while staying up until the early morning certainly isnt foreign to me, it has been some time since Ive tried writing at this time.
So, Im still in Idaho. Its funny really. When I first came home to visit since moving, towards the end of November, I was anxious to get back to Kirkland. I was content with my decision to leave, I was looking forward to crawling back into my own bed, lounging around in my living while my roommate was as work able to think, write, everything it was sanctuary, something I strangely find necessary to remain consistent in things. Anyway, I was very eager to return to my place. But something changed in the following weeks; it began just before my flight home.
I was sitting in the Airport bar/lounge/restaurant with my dad, drinking martinis, when I realized that I didnt really want to leave. I had suffered sufficient disappointment during my stay, and wasnt comfortable or enjoying myself but, as a friend stated the other night, Spokane sucks you in. You may break away for a season, but it is always victorious in bringing you back eventually. And thus, here I am. Ive been in Coeur dAlene since December 11th. Thats a little over a month. Thats insane. Ive been wildly irresponsible, feeling completely lost in a fog of things, leaving me discontent and slightly confused.
When I arrived back in Seattle, it was a drastic change from the prior week. While back in Idaho over my birthday, I barely had the time to sleep I was trying to catch up with everyone I cared about, as well as meeting some new people, all within 6 days. Then, I returned to my apartment where I do have sufficient free time. I planned it that way so I could maintain my focus on school and personal growth, developing and maintaining my walk with God. I was miserable. I developed disappointment in those around me my church; the extreme materialism, the cliques, focus on money... everything. Of course, this is excusing my cadre and the fantastic people I did develop friendships with. So finally, a week or so later, I took a long bath, listened to a ton of new music I had acquired (arrrgh matey!) and dropped a sex bomb (www.lush.com its basically a luscious, rich smelling bath fizz ball thing that turns your bath water pink, makes your skin soft, and smells amazing.) Then I returned back to normal. Isn't it funny how that works?
I then decided I would return back to Idaho for a week, then return again for Christmas later that month. I got snow tires, packed up my things and left within the next few days. I have yet to return.
I feel like I am without a home. Within this moment, Seattle seems to hold my future, should I be able to pry myself from my past, here. Ive contemplated buying a place in Spokane, considering I could actually get a decent 4 bedroom home on the river for what Im paying for a 2 bedroom in Kirkland now. Ive considered switching schools, although SFCC seems to be an unwise decision for pursuing an art degree in design My best friend is here. My close friends are here. My family is here. The downside?
My church doesnt challenge me here. No offence. My college groups small groups are studying subject matter I covered in Kindergarten (What does Christmas mean to you?) Compare that to what Ive been learning at Generation Church (www.generationchurch.org) stuff that changes who I am, challenges me, and enlightens me with relevant subject matter. It stretches my thinking; I learn things and make connections that blow me away. They feed us. If you have a homeless shelter, yet you only offer food once a week how often will people come to eat? If you offered meals everyday, the hungry would be there everyday. Im also an adult. Baby food isnt sufficient. And packaged macaroni will only get me so far. I need a meal. Some religious metaphors for you. In other words, put some thought into the small group subject matter. Hold the group leaders accountable. Challenge me.
I recently finished reading The Time Travelers Wife (by Audrey Niffenegger) and found myself asking, If I could go back, and relive my life knowing what I now know, what would I have changed? Then, I analyzed my answers what was keeping me at that time from doing what I wish I would have? What role do those things play now? I envisioned myself not even being involved with people in high school, and just being a bookworm, because little, if anything, was worthwhile then. Im not one to live in the past, but upon evaluating what was holding me back then, and then considering what I think Ill regret in the future, looking back on right now I see those same things standing in the way. I would wish that instead of being noncommittal, and irresponsible, and undisciplined, that I would have spent less time socializing and that I would have been focused. Determined to get it all out of the way. I can socialize when I am 23 with a career. Seems to be that the company might be a little better then too. I didnt mean that the way it sounds.
I have always made excuses for my lack of self-discipline. When I was obsessed with partying, I excused it later by saying at least I didnt waste my adulthood figuring out that it sucks. That its fruitless. I excuse my lack of focus and irresponsibility of recent years by saying I tried growing up too fast, and I needed to just be young and free for a while. I burned myself out in a corporate office, working 50 hours a week, I became non-committal. Jobs freak me out. I cant work under others, I have to be my own boss, call it pride if youd like.
Is it that I am melding who I am with who I should be? Is that possible? My favorite phrase is Change is leaving behind who you are for who you could become that doesnt mention a fusion of the two, right? Its dropping one behind. I feel like I need more time to mull these things over. Id like to stay a few more days and sit in random coffee houses, musing over what I am to do. Writing my thoughts out and trying and identify what it is Im saying underneath the surface of things. My friends in Seattle have been so patient with me. Thats the biggest draw to returning at this point. The Megans, Dan, Sean, Jeffrey, Angie I guess its just difficult to adjust when you fit so well elsewhere. I have been torn between viewing Seattle as more of a retreat, and then of course, as a new home.
I actually wrote some poetry and a short story within an hour or so yesterday morning. I've never written a poem before that. I suppose developing some new outlets is healthy. J
In Genesis 24:12, Abraham's servant asked God for a sign to validate his errand, just as his master had. By this I will know. I haven't been praying as of late. I havent sought confirmations or validations in regards to any of this. Thus, explaining the fog. For those of you who have stuck this whole blog out, good work. :D
So, Im still in Idaho. Its funny really. When I first came home to visit since moving, towards the end of November, I was anxious to get back to Kirkland. I was content with my decision to leave, I was looking forward to crawling back into my own bed, lounging around in my living while my roommate was as work able to think, write, everything it was sanctuary, something I strangely find necessary to remain consistent in things. Anyway, I was very eager to return to my place. But something changed in the following weeks; it began just before my flight home.
I was sitting in the Airport bar/lounge/restaurant with my dad, drinking martinis, when I realized that I didnt really want to leave. I had suffered sufficient disappointment during my stay, and wasnt comfortable or enjoying myself but, as a friend stated the other night, Spokane sucks you in. You may break away for a season, but it is always victorious in bringing you back eventually. And thus, here I am. Ive been in Coeur dAlene since December 11th. Thats a little over a month. Thats insane. Ive been wildly irresponsible, feeling completely lost in a fog of things, leaving me discontent and slightly confused.
When I arrived back in Seattle, it was a drastic change from the prior week. While back in Idaho over my birthday, I barely had the time to sleep I was trying to catch up with everyone I cared about, as well as meeting some new people, all within 6 days. Then, I returned to my apartment where I do have sufficient free time. I planned it that way so I could maintain my focus on school and personal growth, developing and maintaining my walk with God. I was miserable. I developed disappointment in those around me my church; the extreme materialism, the cliques, focus on money... everything. Of course, this is excusing my cadre and the fantastic people I did develop friendships with. So finally, a week or so later, I took a long bath, listened to a ton of new music I had acquired (arrrgh matey!) and dropped a sex bomb (www.lush.com its basically a luscious, rich smelling bath fizz ball thing that turns your bath water pink, makes your skin soft, and smells amazing.) Then I returned back to normal. Isn't it funny how that works?
I then decided I would return back to Idaho for a week, then return again for Christmas later that month. I got snow tires, packed up my things and left within the next few days. I have yet to return.
I feel like I am without a home. Within this moment, Seattle seems to hold my future, should I be able to pry myself from my past, here. Ive contemplated buying a place in Spokane, considering I could actually get a decent 4 bedroom home on the river for what Im paying for a 2 bedroom in Kirkland now. Ive considered switching schools, although SFCC seems to be an unwise decision for pursuing an art degree in design My best friend is here. My close friends are here. My family is here. The downside?
My church doesnt challenge me here. No offence. My college groups small groups are studying subject matter I covered in Kindergarten (What does Christmas mean to you?) Compare that to what Ive been learning at Generation Church (www.generationchurch.org) stuff that changes who I am, challenges me, and enlightens me with relevant subject matter. It stretches my thinking; I learn things and make connections that blow me away. They feed us. If you have a homeless shelter, yet you only offer food once a week how often will people come to eat? If you offered meals everyday, the hungry would be there everyday. Im also an adult. Baby food isnt sufficient. And packaged macaroni will only get me so far. I need a meal. Some religious metaphors for you. In other words, put some thought into the small group subject matter. Hold the group leaders accountable. Challenge me.
I recently finished reading The Time Travelers Wife (by Audrey Niffenegger) and found myself asking, If I could go back, and relive my life knowing what I now know, what would I have changed? Then, I analyzed my answers what was keeping me at that time from doing what I wish I would have? What role do those things play now? I envisioned myself not even being involved with people in high school, and just being a bookworm, because little, if anything, was worthwhile then. Im not one to live in the past, but upon evaluating what was holding me back then, and then considering what I think Ill regret in the future, looking back on right now I see those same things standing in the way. I would wish that instead of being noncommittal, and irresponsible, and undisciplined, that I would have spent less time socializing and that I would have been focused. Determined to get it all out of the way. I can socialize when I am 23 with a career. Seems to be that the company might be a little better then too. I didnt mean that the way it sounds.
I have always made excuses for my lack of self-discipline. When I was obsessed with partying, I excused it later by saying at least I didnt waste my adulthood figuring out that it sucks. That its fruitless. I excuse my lack of focus and irresponsibility of recent years by saying I tried growing up too fast, and I needed to just be young and free for a while. I burned myself out in a corporate office, working 50 hours a week, I became non-committal. Jobs freak me out. I cant work under others, I have to be my own boss, call it pride if youd like.
Is it that I am melding who I am with who I should be? Is that possible? My favorite phrase is Change is leaving behind who you are for who you could become that doesnt mention a fusion of the two, right? Its dropping one behind. I feel like I need more time to mull these things over. Id like to stay a few more days and sit in random coffee houses, musing over what I am to do. Writing my thoughts out and trying and identify what it is Im saying underneath the surface of things. My friends in Seattle have been so patient with me. Thats the biggest draw to returning at this point. The Megans, Dan, Sean, Jeffrey, Angie I guess its just difficult to adjust when you fit so well elsewhere. I have been torn between viewing Seattle as more of a retreat, and then of course, as a new home.
I actually wrote some poetry and a short story within an hour or so yesterday morning. I've never written a poem before that. I suppose developing some new outlets is healthy. J
In Genesis 24:12, Abraham's servant asked God for a sign to validate his errand, just as his master had. By this I will know. I haven't been praying as of late. I havent sought confirmations or validations in regards to any of this. Thus, explaining the fog. For those of you who have stuck this whole blog out, good work. :D