(no subject)
I feel a real stinging urgency in my life. It hasn't been that long since I had an easy to follow plan and direct path laid out before me, but already it feels like I'm slipping to the side, slowing down, losing track of my goal, and getting so turned around I might be going the wrong way, all at once. There's decisions to be made ,now, that I feel I mistakenly made months or even years ago without realizing it. I've shut doors that I didn't know even existed and now I want open. Only they're never going to open. They are sealed shut with a sign that says sorry, you are not the person we hoped you'd be. How depressing. I feel like a world class orchestra performer who's lost in the masses because he's not playing the right songs and drowned out by outlandishly average players he has surrounded himself with. I feel skill, talent, intelligence, courage, creativity, personality, and many other good things pulsing through my body and in every corner of every bone I have. Yet, I've shown it to only a handful of people none of whom can do anything with it, just as I seemingly can't. It's a lonely world out there and one I fully expected to have on my mantle as one of many accomplishments but as time fades I've been brought back down to it as quickly as one in a free fall can expect. I know it's not over, of course not. But it's obvious there are only three types of people in this world: Those who figure it out, those who never figure it out, and those figure it out, only it's too late. Let's hope this writer has the former in store.