A Rant and a Theory
A RANT AND A THEORY
Too Many Band Names Nowadays Suck Ass: a Rant
First off...a little something that bugs the bejesus out of me lately...band names. Seriously, if a band has a shitty name, that makes me not want to listen to them, especially if I, having never heard their music, can take a good guess at what type of music they play just by hearing the band name. Ever since '99, they've mostly sucked ass. Let's list off some good and bad band names. Mind you, for those that are fond of the bands I've listed under bad band names, I'm only picking on that band's name, unless stated otherwise.
Band Names That Suck
Limp Bizkit - Well, at least I can't accuse them of false advertising. The kings of the shitty moniker, these guys seem to have ushered in our current dark age of band names...
Saliva - Unimaginative. But hey, unlike fred Durst and company, at least these guys seem to be able to spell.
Staind - Seriously, get some Spray 'N Wash for that shit. And no, I don't want to know what it is.
Cream - I love classic rock, but dammit, I told you I didn't want to know what it is. Next time you feel the itch for self-love, use a condom or something to contain the mess, ok?
Cradle of Filth - This does not sound scary...it sounds like it contains a diaper WAAAY overdue for a changing.
My Chemical Romance - This is an Irvine Welsh reference, which makes me really, really, REALLY want to like it. But a name like that just screams over-serious self-pity, which, let's face it, is really emo.
Switchblade Symphony - For all those that just have to have everything spelled out for them. Ever heard of subtlety?
Slipknot - Pull the long end. It's over.
Nine Inch Nails - According to Reznor, "I don't know if you've ever tried to think of band names, but usually you think you have a great one and you look at it the next day and it's stupid. I had about 200 of those. Nine Inch Nails lasted the two week test, looked great in print, and could be abbreviated easily. It really doesn't have any literal meaning. It seemed kind of frightening. [In his best he-man voice] Tough and manly! It's a curse trying to come up with band names." Trent, it IS a curse, and you're afflicted. But you kick ass anyway.
Killswitch Engage - I'm biased. Most death metal band names lack imaginiation, I think.
Hatebreed - Again...no subtlety, little imaginiation. But it is death metal...you don't go into a slaughterhouse expecting watercress sandwiches, do you?
Band Names That Rule
Led Zeppelin - Someone once told this band they sucked so bad that they'd sink like a lead zeppelin...so they took that as their name. Their spelling was a little off, but the rest is history. How fucking cool is that?
The Who - Any band whose name could inspire a high point of what I consider one of the funniest cartoons ever ("Woodstock Slappy", from Animaniacs) deserves mention.
AC/DC - The name was intended to be a reference to electricity, not bisexuality. The unintentional duality puts this band name into the upper echelon of coolness.
The Beatles - "We need a name that sounds witty at first, but gets less and less funny every time you hear it." --Principal Skinner, on the Simpson's "B-Sharps" episode
Kiss - The religious right thought it meant "Knights in Satan's Service". If a group's very NAME pisses off that group, it makes for major cool points. The pyrotechnics, lighting, costumes, theatrics, and Gene Simmons' libido sure as hell didn't hurt either.
The Sex Pistols - No backstory needed. It's just really fucking cool.
Joy Division - The House of Dolls is a novel in which some young Jewish females in Nazi concentration camps were set aside for the purose of sexually servicing Nazi soldiers. In the book, these groups of women were called "Joy Divisions." In reality, the only camp that kept any organized records of sexual slavery was Auschwitz. Fittingly, this band's music was very emotionally wrought. The Cure, NIN, Nirvana, Smashing Pumpkins...Joy Division influenced and inspired every gloomy, depressing, and gothic band worth their black eyeliner that ever came since.
The Red Hot Chili Peppers - Just a bad ass name. 'Nuff said.
Jane's Addiction - It sounds seedy, perverted, but just understated enough to leave you wondering what the hell it is that Jane is so hooked on, doesn't it? Answer: they named themselves after a prostitute that told them they were the best band ever. THAT'S rock n' roll.
Toad the Wet Sprocket - At first I knew the name had to go in either the kick ass or shitty list, (and nowhere in between) but couldn't decide which. Then I found out that it comes from the Eric Idle monologue "Rock Notes" on Monty Python's "Contractual Obligation" album, and the decision was made.
The White Stripes - Cool, and fitting, considering that they're both pale as all hell.
The Strokes - A masturbation reference perhaps? Maybe, but so simple it still sounds good.
Tool - Here's some gods of metal that didn't have to be too obvious as to what they were all about. They let the music do the talking, instead of some shitty name.
The Deftones - Say it..."Deftones". It has a really nice ring to it, and they don't have to advertise with words like bloody or hate or blade or filth or what have you. Nice.
Marylin Manson - In band name hell, Marylin Monroe and Charlie Manson get it on and give birth to Brian Warner's alter ego...and the name just works.
The 5 6 7 8's - Yeah, the only song of theirs anyone knows about is on those annoying Vonage commercials. But still, this is a KICK ASS band name. Why didn't someone think of this sooner? Probabaly because they're not quirky and Japanese.
Sooooo....what have we learned today kiddies? When you're naming a band, don't just aim for something that sounds cool. Be creative. Pick something that leaves a bit to the imagination. Don't be too goddamn overt in advertising what you're all about. If the name alone gives away what you sound like, it probably sucks. If you're death metal, nobody is going to care anyway. If you can make a cool reference to things like Nazis, Monty Python, and Irvine Welsh it definitely helps, but doesn't guarantee success. Understated sleaze is good, pissing off the religious right is better. And no matter what, if Fred Durst thinks it sounds cool, ditch the name like a bad habit.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Women and Humor: a Theory
Generally, men are funnier than women. I'm not being sexist, but hear me out.
Hypothesis -- A woman's capacity for creating a good wisecrack or joke is inversely proportional to the lowest sense of her own physical attractiveness that she's ever felt in her life.
Basically, if a woman has ever felt seriously low about her looks for an extended period of time, odds are she'll be quite the cut-up. On the other hand, a female who has been thoroughly convinced she's hot shit all her life is liable to be about as funny as a Dostoevsky novel...and mad props if you got that joke. The underlying reason for this is simple. When one has a nice pair of tits, humor is not necessary to attract attention. If a woman doesn't have looks, she develops humor as a coping mechanism. A male, on the other hand, develops humor as a means of trying to get laid, which helps no matter how good looking he is. Still, females, with the higher emphasis society puts on their looks, really only need humor if they're not attractive, or at least think they aren't.
Supporting evidence -- Comedy Central's Last Laugh '05...Lisa Lampanelli(LL) vs. Sarah Silverman. Physically speaking, Silverman is much hotter than Lampanelli. Onstage however, who was funnier? Silverman got up there and sang "Amazing Grace" deliberately off-key. Lampanelly joked about her big ass and said she fucked more black men than Hurricane Katrina.
Winner? Lampanelli, by a landslide.
Also, there's the case of a hot girl I've never met in person, but chatted with online for a time. How do I know not only that she's hot, but knows it? Well, she says she's a model and puts up portfolio and vacation pics on her Facebook and Xanga. But we all know people misrepresent themselves online, so that doesn't prove anything. Well, I ran into her Xanga on one of my blogrings "A discussion of politics and all things related". I commented on some of her intelligent postings and rants, and she commented back on some of mine. We chatted up politics on AIM, and when I moved into Bruce hall and mentioned in a Xanga post that it's the oldest dorm on campus and that the hall mascot is a roach, she comments on my entry with this:
LOL! That's funny! "The hall mascot is a roach"
Please try not to die there though... we need all the liberals alive...
That's how I know she probably really is a model. Any woman who ever thought ill of her physical beauty would be able to come up with a better wisecrack than "try not to die". It's like that lame-ass Amp'd mobile ad campaign...not funny. To her credit, from chatting with her she seemed highly intelligent, well-read, and worldly, just not funny.
Also...further evidence...Margaret Cho. She put her self-image issues onstage where we could all laugh with her and shed a light of humor on how self-destructive women's issues with their looks really are...especially when she's going on about how some fad diet caused her to shit herself while driving. That bit was fucking hysterical, and honestly, made me feel really lucky to be a man. She's lost weight and looks damn good, but still retains that ugly duckling sense of humor. Go Margaret, you rule.
Anyway, I hereby put my little theory out there. It's just something I cooked up today at lunch, in a place where I often do the sort of thinking that I either want to record or regret later...a bar. So, read it, tell me if I'm dead-on, or tell me if I'm sexist. Tell me if I'm brilliant, or tell me If I'm jaded and cynical. Comment, and tell me all, any, or none of the above. After all, it's just my theory...and theories are meant to be debated, tested, and if the evidence ceases to support it, debunked.