(no subject)
everytime i feel like i need to write in livejournal, there is never enough ambition to go out and do so.
but to start this entry, i must tell everyone.. coheed's new cd is unbelievable. ive listened to it 3 times today since tennis, and yes, i have it on my computer. but its so amazing.
so thats some good news.
but to how i really feel, ive been trying to think of the best way to describe this.
im anxious, scared, happy, in love, worried, stressed all at once. there are so many words that all oppose each other but yet thats exactly how i feel.. and as you can see, it's splitting me apart in a way.
but let me explain further.
first off, i was looking forward to going home so bad.. i couldn't wait much longer for the moment that i saw my family, the mill, and most importantly ian.. at this moment, ian and i are at the best place we've been when im at school.. as i was driving home, i get a call from ian and he says i cant come up to belfast. ian's stepmom called him out and said that he was lazy, didnt have any ambition in life (plus alot more awful things), and said that i couldnt come up. to say the least, i was completely sad. it was a great start to vacation. i got to see my family, saw my brother play football, i played with my nieces, and then on friday i was able to go see ian. ofcourse, it wasnt as easy as it seems. that morning, i had taken my car to the garage to get an inspection. turns out, they couldnt pass me because my ABS light was on and they had to reschedule another appt, so that ment ALL weekend without my car. i borrowed my moms and i was off to belfast to pick ian up.
on the way, i got a phone call "where are you", "about 20 minutes away", "get here as fast as you can".. so i did.. when i got there, it was awkward. and we left immediately after. when we got on our way, i asked what was wrong. apparently, right as i pulled into the driveway, ian's dad and step mom told him that he needed to find a new place to stay. It was amazing to see ian, but no matter what we did (we went to the fryeburg fair and got a couple new movies), he couldnt shake his bad feelings.. We had a great weekend, but we were always thinking of that which sucked. I slept over his house in belfast, woke up with him at 4:30 (thats when he gets up to go to work) and i was on my way back to rumford.
as soon as i got back, i called the garage and my car still wasnt fixed. they needed to do more things to it (which ended up being about 600$) and it wouldnt be ready until the next day. lucky for me, caitlin was being a douchebag and put up a fight to give me a ride to lewiston, but with alot of threatening, she did. tuesday morning, i woke up at 4 oclock sneezing and coughing my head off and i couldnt breath. im really allergic to my dads house cause of the dust and all that crap, and i didnt have any medicine, so i was screwed. i ended up just staying up and watching the news until we had to leave for Connecticut for my match. we got there and i played even though i felt like crap and i won 6-0, 6-0. it was pathetic. after the match, im completely dead. my back hurts, my head and chest still hurts, and i pass out immediately after my shower. i get a phone call the next morning saying that we forfeited the match because kids were drinking in the hotel room... damn, but i didnt want to play anyways..
my mom ended up calling me when we were on our way back to maine, saying that the doctor had an opening in his schedule and i could go see him the next day for my lyme disease. i tell her to do that and i figure, i'll be able to get something going with this and ill be able to see ian. well, i drive to albion (IN MY CAR), and i wait about 2 hours before he sees me. he tells me that ive got 26 out of 38 symptoms or something like that, and he's going to put me on 4-5 different antibiotics during the next year. along with that, he prescribed me 3 other medications for the time being, including stuff for my stomach and zoloft. apparently, my anxiety around crowds and being overly nervous was enough for him to put me on it.. im not sure how i feel about that. i was on antidepressants when i was younger and i didnt feel like i needed them at this point, but i had no choice. hopefully they will work, if not, whatever. its not something im not used to.
as i was leaving the doctors, ian called and said he had gotten out of work early. i look at my directions from google and i get heading and i do exactly as they say, but apparently they were wrong. i took the right (which turned out to be wrong) turn and i ended out in the middle of nowhere about 40 minutes out of my way. i had no idea where i was so i asked some old guy on the side of the road, and yup, i fucked up. ian calls me and i explain i get lost, and he says "you need to get here" and i ask whats wrong "my gram is dying."... to say the least, i turned that 40 minute drive into a 15 minute drive and i find the right way.
as soon as i get to ian's house, i can see he is destroyed.. we talk and we wait for ian's boss to get there so he can explain and get his week's pay. right as we were heading out, ian's mom calls us and tell us it was a false alarm and that he doesnt need to come home if he doesnt want to, but we do anyways.. he took me out to a really nice dinner, but ofcourse, it was spoiled for when we get home. ian's mom informed us that ian's grandfather had called back and said that she wasnt responding to any of the treatments. ian starts crying and ian NEVER cries. i sleep over to make sure he's ok and we woke up at 6 the next morning, got dnd, and they left for ny.. ian really wanted me to go with him, but his mom said that she couldnt rightfully give me a place to stay, but im glad they went.
i got to spend alot of time with my family while ian was away, but i still missed having that time with him. i ended up going back to school sunday, seeing that ian and his family were going to stop by johnson.. they didn't, and ian called me up that night, saying he had the most horrible weekend and wished that i was home... and to be honest, i wish i was home with him too. he's not going back to belfast for a while, so i just wish i couldve spent some time with him and helped him through this REALLY hard time.. he's had the worst 6 months ever... his gram gets diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, he can't afford culinary school, his step mom wants to kick him out, and his gram is dying.
to say the least, this hasnt been a good time..
but back to how i feel, im scared shitless about this new lyme disease treatment. the last time i took antibiotics, it made me really sick last time and im already feeling really crappy this week...
i'm getting really sick of tennis and anything else im involved in.. i just want to be done everything, even though they are things that i absolutely love. and im stressing about so much in my life and i shouldn't be. it's making me sicker. and i havent enjoyed anything this year, other than the nights of the block parties and sushi, and the thought of going home, having no obligations. ofcourse, theres home that makes me mad too.. when you deal with a woman who has been bedridden for about 7 years, she tends to be a little crazy. but thats why i love my mom.. even though she asked me about my sex life this past weekend, and besides that at the age of 11, she tried telling me how to have an orgasm. to say the least, i lash out at my mom when ANYTHING sex comes into play. but i love her. she reads me like a book.
im really sick of just everything. like expectations of how im suppose to act, how im suppose to think, what im suppose to do. im just sick of being stressed ALL of the time. i want ian at school with me, i want to graduate on time without having to take 19 credits, have 2 jobs and tennis, i want to not have lyme disease anymore, i want to have fun, i want to be able to remember things and being able to hear without having to say "what", i need money to pay bills...
i need alot of things, but im blessed to have so much.
im thankful for:
my 2; legs, arms, hands, eyes, ears
all the other operating functions of my body
a loving family
a loving boyfriend of almost 4 years
great friends (who i need to hang out with more and for me to stop being antisocial)
great opportunities
my college education in process
awesome "in-laws"
great dvds that come out and make me smile
dunkin donuts offering mocha coffee coolattas.
6 houses that i can live in if i ever need a place
the clothes on my back (even if they are outdated)
my slow computer
my car that i "should get rid of" to quote the mechanic..
im thankful for everything that makes me who iam. these shitty times where i hate myself makes me a better person. if that even makes sense. but at this point, im not worried about making sense.
jam.
this is long.
people are here to watch america's next top model, and ive got jello in the fridge.
i love you.
but to start this entry, i must tell everyone.. coheed's new cd is unbelievable. ive listened to it 3 times today since tennis, and yes, i have it on my computer. but its so amazing.
so thats some good news.
but to how i really feel, ive been trying to think of the best way to describe this.
im anxious, scared, happy, in love, worried, stressed all at once. there are so many words that all oppose each other but yet thats exactly how i feel.. and as you can see, it's splitting me apart in a way.
but let me explain further.
first off, i was looking forward to going home so bad.. i couldn't wait much longer for the moment that i saw my family, the mill, and most importantly ian.. at this moment, ian and i are at the best place we've been when im at school.. as i was driving home, i get a call from ian and he says i cant come up to belfast. ian's stepmom called him out and said that he was lazy, didnt have any ambition in life (plus alot more awful things), and said that i couldnt come up. to say the least, i was completely sad. it was a great start to vacation. i got to see my family, saw my brother play football, i played with my nieces, and then on friday i was able to go see ian. ofcourse, it wasnt as easy as it seems. that morning, i had taken my car to the garage to get an inspection. turns out, they couldnt pass me because my ABS light was on and they had to reschedule another appt, so that ment ALL weekend without my car. i borrowed my moms and i was off to belfast to pick ian up.
on the way, i got a phone call "where are you", "about 20 minutes away", "get here as fast as you can".. so i did.. when i got there, it was awkward. and we left immediately after. when we got on our way, i asked what was wrong. apparently, right as i pulled into the driveway, ian's dad and step mom told him that he needed to find a new place to stay. It was amazing to see ian, but no matter what we did (we went to the fryeburg fair and got a couple new movies), he couldnt shake his bad feelings.. We had a great weekend, but we were always thinking of that which sucked. I slept over his house in belfast, woke up with him at 4:30 (thats when he gets up to go to work) and i was on my way back to rumford.
as soon as i got back, i called the garage and my car still wasnt fixed. they needed to do more things to it (which ended up being about 600$) and it wouldnt be ready until the next day. lucky for me, caitlin was being a douchebag and put up a fight to give me a ride to lewiston, but with alot of threatening, she did. tuesday morning, i woke up at 4 oclock sneezing and coughing my head off and i couldnt breath. im really allergic to my dads house cause of the dust and all that crap, and i didnt have any medicine, so i was screwed. i ended up just staying up and watching the news until we had to leave for Connecticut for my match. we got there and i played even though i felt like crap and i won 6-0, 6-0. it was pathetic. after the match, im completely dead. my back hurts, my head and chest still hurts, and i pass out immediately after my shower. i get a phone call the next morning saying that we forfeited the match because kids were drinking in the hotel room... damn, but i didnt want to play anyways..
my mom ended up calling me when we were on our way back to maine, saying that the doctor had an opening in his schedule and i could go see him the next day for my lyme disease. i tell her to do that and i figure, i'll be able to get something going with this and ill be able to see ian. well, i drive to albion (IN MY CAR), and i wait about 2 hours before he sees me. he tells me that ive got 26 out of 38 symptoms or something like that, and he's going to put me on 4-5 different antibiotics during the next year. along with that, he prescribed me 3 other medications for the time being, including stuff for my stomach and zoloft. apparently, my anxiety around crowds and being overly nervous was enough for him to put me on it.. im not sure how i feel about that. i was on antidepressants when i was younger and i didnt feel like i needed them at this point, but i had no choice. hopefully they will work, if not, whatever. its not something im not used to.
as i was leaving the doctors, ian called and said he had gotten out of work early. i look at my directions from google and i get heading and i do exactly as they say, but apparently they were wrong. i took the right (which turned out to be wrong) turn and i ended out in the middle of nowhere about 40 minutes out of my way. i had no idea where i was so i asked some old guy on the side of the road, and yup, i fucked up. ian calls me and i explain i get lost, and he says "you need to get here" and i ask whats wrong "my gram is dying."... to say the least, i turned that 40 minute drive into a 15 minute drive and i find the right way.
as soon as i get to ian's house, i can see he is destroyed.. we talk and we wait for ian's boss to get there so he can explain and get his week's pay. right as we were heading out, ian's mom calls us and tell us it was a false alarm and that he doesnt need to come home if he doesnt want to, but we do anyways.. he took me out to a really nice dinner, but ofcourse, it was spoiled for when we get home. ian's mom informed us that ian's grandfather had called back and said that she wasnt responding to any of the treatments. ian starts crying and ian NEVER cries. i sleep over to make sure he's ok and we woke up at 6 the next morning, got dnd, and they left for ny.. ian really wanted me to go with him, but his mom said that she couldnt rightfully give me a place to stay, but im glad they went.
i got to spend alot of time with my family while ian was away, but i still missed having that time with him. i ended up going back to school sunday, seeing that ian and his family were going to stop by johnson.. they didn't, and ian called me up that night, saying he had the most horrible weekend and wished that i was home... and to be honest, i wish i was home with him too. he's not going back to belfast for a while, so i just wish i couldve spent some time with him and helped him through this REALLY hard time.. he's had the worst 6 months ever... his gram gets diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, he can't afford culinary school, his step mom wants to kick him out, and his gram is dying.
to say the least, this hasnt been a good time..
but back to how i feel, im scared shitless about this new lyme disease treatment. the last time i took antibiotics, it made me really sick last time and im already feeling really crappy this week...
i'm getting really sick of tennis and anything else im involved in.. i just want to be done everything, even though they are things that i absolutely love. and im stressing about so much in my life and i shouldn't be. it's making me sicker. and i havent enjoyed anything this year, other than the nights of the block parties and sushi, and the thought of going home, having no obligations. ofcourse, theres home that makes me mad too.. when you deal with a woman who has been bedridden for about 7 years, she tends to be a little crazy. but thats why i love my mom.. even though she asked me about my sex life this past weekend, and besides that at the age of 11, she tried telling me how to have an orgasm. to say the least, i lash out at my mom when ANYTHING sex comes into play. but i love her. she reads me like a book.
im really sick of just everything. like expectations of how im suppose to act, how im suppose to think, what im suppose to do. im just sick of being stressed ALL of the time. i want ian at school with me, i want to graduate on time without having to take 19 credits, have 2 jobs and tennis, i want to not have lyme disease anymore, i want to have fun, i want to be able to remember things and being able to hear without having to say "what", i need money to pay bills...
i need alot of things, but im blessed to have so much.
im thankful for:
my 2; legs, arms, hands, eyes, ears
all the other operating functions of my body
a loving family
a loving boyfriend of almost 4 years
great friends (who i need to hang out with more and for me to stop being antisocial)
great opportunities
my college education in process
awesome "in-laws"
great dvds that come out and make me smile
dunkin donuts offering mocha coffee coolattas.
6 houses that i can live in if i ever need a place
the clothes on my back (even if they are outdated)
my slow computer
my car that i "should get rid of" to quote the mechanic..
im thankful for everything that makes me who iam. these shitty times where i hate myself makes me a better person. if that even makes sense. but at this point, im not worried about making sense.
jam.
this is long.
people are here to watch america's next top model, and ive got jello in the fridge.
i love you.