the essay
i know it's long, but it's an easy read. i wonder if boys and people in public school will understand it.
“How to Be Popular in an All-Girl School”
There are some parents who believe sending their children to a single-sex school will help them grow without the pressures of the opposite sex. They neglect to think about the ways this will warp the child’s mind, especially in girls. Having gone to an all-girl school, I know. Girls are manipulative, deceitful bitches when put together. Forget about girl power, it’s a free for all. So, to help you excel in an all-girl school, I’m here to tell you how to become popular. These simple guidelines will help you get into the “in crowd”.
First, you must look the part. Appearance means absolutely everything in this world, and no one will accept you if you don’t look good. Now, since you are in a private school, you’re required to wear uniforms the majority of the time (I’ll come back to the no-uniform day attire later). My school chose the standard white polo shirts and a green plaid skirt which never fit correctly. Some schools have navy blue, while others rack the money in for the uniform companies by forcing light blue, pink, yellow, and a woolly white-green plaid (all of which are quite hideous). And yes, you need all four of those to change your uniform according to the season and your grade. But, no matter what skirt you wear, there’s one universal rule in the popular circle. Make it as short as possible. Whether it’s by rolling it at the waist or hemming it up, it absolutely must be as short as can be. That way, it is not necessary to actually bend over so everyone can see their ass; the bottoms are already visible, along with bright colored panties. Popular girls find it necessary to wear their skimpiest underwear under what’s left of a skirt. I never understood this rationale, there are no boys to show off for! It’s not pleasant to be walking up the stairs, only to glance upward and almost collide cheek to cheek (and one of those cheeks isn’t on your face). If you don’t go to a school that has a required shoe, choices are unlimited. The sensible pair of shoes would be sneakers, as some private schools have multiple buildings. But alas, you want to be noticed! So, your job is to find the biggest, chunkiest pair of black shoes out there and wear them everyday with white knee socks. You now have the basic school girl look going. Onto the accessories!
Number one rule: You must look like you live on a sunny beach. Since you most likely only have that beach house in the Hamptons, you must find alternate ways. Sprays make you streaky, and creams make you splotchy. Why not go to a tanning salon? I mean, it’s only risking skin cancer later in life, but at least you look good! You are orange for a few days, and it looks very unnatural, but that’s what everyone loves. To go with your darker-than-natural skin, you need lighter-than-natural hair. Blonde highlights aren’t a must, but it’ll complete the look better. No matter what shade you hair is, go for blonde. While you’re at the salon, ask for a Chinese hair straightening relaxing whatever they call it. Your hair will be pin straight forever. That is, until it grows out, so that, just as when you dye it, the roots show. Half of your hair will be straight while the rest frizzes like normal. Great look. I’m sure this procedure takes a long time, so get your nails done while you wait. Well, get artificial nails on your own so that you have long acrylic attachments on your hands. You won’t be able to function normally, but as long as it looks hot, you’re good.
Even though you’ve probably just spent close to $300 on your looks, it’s time to go shopping. The only acceptable handbags must have their logo printed all over it (i.e. Chanel) or have a tiny silver emblem affixed (i.e. Prada). Clothing must keep the coverage to the minimum and/or be the latest trend, which brings me back to the no-uniform days. Certain clothes such as sweat pants and jeans cannot be worn. That’s okay, though, because you can buy a velour jumpsuit in every color. There are also pants made of spandex, yoga pants, anything that hugs your body. Shirts follow the same rule. Shoes must either be prime-condition, name-brand sneakers or those boots that are stilettoes.
You are now looking like a popular school-girl. Why do girls go through such trouble to look good for school with females? Well, they may see some guys on their way to and from, and I’m sure we’ve all heard about that fantasy guys have... Since it’s all for the nookie, it’s worth it.
Popular girls also have a certain lifestyle, which kind of puts a hereditary aspect into all of this, since it’s hard to be poor and popular. Here’s how the average popular girl lives. Mommy and Daddy usually both work, and Daddy’s never home because he’s an important business man traveling all the time to make loads of money for his wife and children to spend frivolously. Mommy either works for Daddy or is a receptionist, nothing strenuous. The maid cleans the house and prepares the meals. The family is always journeying to foreign countries, not to appreciate historical sites, but to sit on beaches or in spas after shopping all day. When Sweet 16 rolls around, the parental figures buy their daughter a new Lexus or BMW, only to hear her complain about how it’s not the car she wanted. She has to own a Nextel that is seemingly implanted in her hand. These things really depend on your family, so not all popular girls can have this lifestyle, but you can always pretend.
When it comes to food, popular girls need to choose carefully and make sensible decisions to benefit their figure. Therefore, you must never cease to be on a diet. Be sure to announce this fact everyday. However, when you do eat, always choose the worse food. Pizza instead of a salad, fries instead of veggie sticks. There is no logic to this, don’t try to find any.
Everything you talk about must be some form of degrading gossip. Here are some topics and examples of conversation starters. Friends: “OMG, did you, like, see how fat Kelly looks wearing that bracelet?!” School: “Mrs. D is such a bitch, she gave us a sentence to read for homework!” Celebrities: “Rosie O’Donnell couldn’t get a guy to love her, that’s why she’s such a dyke.”
Speaking of derogatory sexuality comments, the majority of popular girls are homophobic. You must hate anyone who expresses love for who someone is and not what sex they are. If you aren’t homophobic, or don’t like announcing that you are, never stick up for a lesbian. You will automatically be assumed one and shunned for all of eternity. In other words, learn to be a bitch. Laugh in everyone’s faces, curse them out when you know they’re right there, talk badly about your friends. Starting malicious rumors is a plus.
In order to be popular, you must be well-known. Make friends with at least one person in every grade of every all-boy school in the area. If you went to my school, you would have had to know 16 boys, most of whom didn’t know each other. In other words, you have to get around. Weekend fun consists of drinking alcohol until passing out and trying all of the “cool” drugs. The bulk of the weekend won’t be remembered, but you’ll have that guy feeling that you slept with someone. The one exception to the homophobic rule is that if you get drunk and hook up with another girl, you can feel free to brag about it.
Every Friday, you ought to have your Guido boyfriend pick you up in his sooped-up ride (fondly known as shopping cart cars for the ridiculously large spoiler). Make sure he blasts rap, maxes out the bass, and keeps the tinted windows rolled up. It’s the ultimate cool.
And finally, the last aspect of popularity: Everyone will know everything about you, whether you want them to or not. Feel free to talk about your personal life loudly, because those you confide in will turn around and tell everyone anyway. So shout it out! I know more random sexual tidbits about girls I have never said hi to than I do about my close friends. People will find out anyway, so why try to keep it a secret.
There you have it, your compact guide to being popular in an all-girl school. You will be forever known as a perfect being. Until, of course, your hair falls out from so much relaxing and you turn into a prune from tanning. Not to worry about that, there’s always plastic surgery. For those who want to be anti-popular, there’s no need for a guide. Be yourself, don’t talk about people behind their backs, and express your opinions. That’s all you need.
“How to Be Popular in an All-Girl School”
There are some parents who believe sending their children to a single-sex school will help them grow without the pressures of the opposite sex. They neglect to think about the ways this will warp the child’s mind, especially in girls. Having gone to an all-girl school, I know. Girls are manipulative, deceitful bitches when put together. Forget about girl power, it’s a free for all. So, to help you excel in an all-girl school, I’m here to tell you how to become popular. These simple guidelines will help you get into the “in crowd”.
First, you must look the part. Appearance means absolutely everything in this world, and no one will accept you if you don’t look good. Now, since you are in a private school, you’re required to wear uniforms the majority of the time (I’ll come back to the no-uniform day attire later). My school chose the standard white polo shirts and a green plaid skirt which never fit correctly. Some schools have navy blue, while others rack the money in for the uniform companies by forcing light blue, pink, yellow, and a woolly white-green plaid (all of which are quite hideous). And yes, you need all four of those to change your uniform according to the season and your grade. But, no matter what skirt you wear, there’s one universal rule in the popular circle. Make it as short as possible. Whether it’s by rolling it at the waist or hemming it up, it absolutely must be as short as can be. That way, it is not necessary to actually bend over so everyone can see their ass; the bottoms are already visible, along with bright colored panties. Popular girls find it necessary to wear their skimpiest underwear under what’s left of a skirt. I never understood this rationale, there are no boys to show off for! It’s not pleasant to be walking up the stairs, only to glance upward and almost collide cheek to cheek (and one of those cheeks isn’t on your face). If you don’t go to a school that has a required shoe, choices are unlimited. The sensible pair of shoes would be sneakers, as some private schools have multiple buildings. But alas, you want to be noticed! So, your job is to find the biggest, chunkiest pair of black shoes out there and wear them everyday with white knee socks. You now have the basic school girl look going. Onto the accessories!
Number one rule: You must look like you live on a sunny beach. Since you most likely only have that beach house in the Hamptons, you must find alternate ways. Sprays make you streaky, and creams make you splotchy. Why not go to a tanning salon? I mean, it’s only risking skin cancer later in life, but at least you look good! You are orange for a few days, and it looks very unnatural, but that’s what everyone loves. To go with your darker-than-natural skin, you need lighter-than-natural hair. Blonde highlights aren’t a must, but it’ll complete the look better. No matter what shade you hair is, go for blonde. While you’re at the salon, ask for a Chinese hair straightening relaxing whatever they call it. Your hair will be pin straight forever. That is, until it grows out, so that, just as when you dye it, the roots show. Half of your hair will be straight while the rest frizzes like normal. Great look. I’m sure this procedure takes a long time, so get your nails done while you wait. Well, get artificial nails on your own so that you have long acrylic attachments on your hands. You won’t be able to function normally, but as long as it looks hot, you’re good.
Even though you’ve probably just spent close to $300 on your looks, it’s time to go shopping. The only acceptable handbags must have their logo printed all over it (i.e. Chanel) or have a tiny silver emblem affixed (i.e. Prada). Clothing must keep the coverage to the minimum and/or be the latest trend, which brings me back to the no-uniform days. Certain clothes such as sweat pants and jeans cannot be worn. That’s okay, though, because you can buy a velour jumpsuit in every color. There are also pants made of spandex, yoga pants, anything that hugs your body. Shirts follow the same rule. Shoes must either be prime-condition, name-brand sneakers or those boots that are stilettoes.
You are now looking like a popular school-girl. Why do girls go through such trouble to look good for school with females? Well, they may see some guys on their way to and from, and I’m sure we’ve all heard about that fantasy guys have... Since it’s all for the nookie, it’s worth it.
Popular girls also have a certain lifestyle, which kind of puts a hereditary aspect into all of this, since it’s hard to be poor and popular. Here’s how the average popular girl lives. Mommy and Daddy usually both work, and Daddy’s never home because he’s an important business man traveling all the time to make loads of money for his wife and children to spend frivolously. Mommy either works for Daddy or is a receptionist, nothing strenuous. The maid cleans the house and prepares the meals. The family is always journeying to foreign countries, not to appreciate historical sites, but to sit on beaches or in spas after shopping all day. When Sweet 16 rolls around, the parental figures buy their daughter a new Lexus or BMW, only to hear her complain about how it’s not the car she wanted. She has to own a Nextel that is seemingly implanted in her hand. These things really depend on your family, so not all popular girls can have this lifestyle, but you can always pretend.
When it comes to food, popular girls need to choose carefully and make sensible decisions to benefit their figure. Therefore, you must never cease to be on a diet. Be sure to announce this fact everyday. However, when you do eat, always choose the worse food. Pizza instead of a salad, fries instead of veggie sticks. There is no logic to this, don’t try to find any.
Everything you talk about must be some form of degrading gossip. Here are some topics and examples of conversation starters. Friends: “OMG, did you, like, see how fat Kelly looks wearing that bracelet?!” School: “Mrs. D is such a bitch, she gave us a sentence to read for homework!” Celebrities: “Rosie O’Donnell couldn’t get a guy to love her, that’s why she’s such a dyke.”
Speaking of derogatory sexuality comments, the majority of popular girls are homophobic. You must hate anyone who expresses love for who someone is and not what sex they are. If you aren’t homophobic, or don’t like announcing that you are, never stick up for a lesbian. You will automatically be assumed one and shunned for all of eternity. In other words, learn to be a bitch. Laugh in everyone’s faces, curse them out when you know they’re right there, talk badly about your friends. Starting malicious rumors is a plus.
In order to be popular, you must be well-known. Make friends with at least one person in every grade of every all-boy school in the area. If you went to my school, you would have had to know 16 boys, most of whom didn’t know each other. In other words, you have to get around. Weekend fun consists of drinking alcohol until passing out and trying all of the “cool” drugs. The bulk of the weekend won’t be remembered, but you’ll have that guy feeling that you slept with someone. The one exception to the homophobic rule is that if you get drunk and hook up with another girl, you can feel free to brag about it.
Every Friday, you ought to have your Guido boyfriend pick you up in his sooped-up ride (fondly known as shopping cart cars for the ridiculously large spoiler). Make sure he blasts rap, maxes out the bass, and keeps the tinted windows rolled up. It’s the ultimate cool.
And finally, the last aspect of popularity: Everyone will know everything about you, whether you want them to or not. Feel free to talk about your personal life loudly, because those you confide in will turn around and tell everyone anyway. So shout it out! I know more random sexual tidbits about girls I have never said hi to than I do about my close friends. People will find out anyway, so why try to keep it a secret.
There you have it, your compact guide to being popular in an all-girl school. You will be forever known as a perfect being. Until, of course, your hair falls out from so much relaxing and you turn into a prune from tanning. Not to worry about that, there’s always plastic surgery. For those who want to be anti-popular, there’s no need for a guide. Be yourself, don’t talk about people behind their backs, and express your opinions. That’s all you need.