into the sea. . .

[xsayneverx]

life has taken some very strange, unexpected turns this past week. i feel i should have seen something coming, considering the trend of the past few years of life kicking my feet out from under me. just a week ago, i was engaged to be married, and happy, and in love. i find myself having conversations in my head a lot now, because i've got nearly no one to talk to. the one person i need to confide in isn't around, and doesn't seem to want to be. her actions speak so much louder than the lies she tells me. have i fallen victim to trust? is there such a thing as "too forgiving"? i guess only time will tell. i like to stay positive, but when all you have for company most of the time is a two-year-old that only gives hugs when he wants them, life starts to weigh down on me.

i'm past the crying. i'm not an angry person, either. i harbor more disappointment than anything. i don't want to be lied to. it's a pretty simple concept. trust takes people much further in this world than money, or happiness. at least it does me. i find myself waiting a lot. not for her to get home, but to catch her in another lie. if she doesn't want to be my friend, then she should tell me. if she's not going to be here to see her son, then she should tell me. i'm so tired of empty promises and meaningless apologies. i just want peace. i can live my life just fine without a partner, but everyone needs friends. and i'm so concerned about my son's future. will he be bitter if we don't get along? will he resent us? i'm doing everything i can, but is it enough? i fear the future.

is this the way life is supposed to be? work hard, make plans, strive for happiness, just to have it all blow up in your face? i like to think positively. i know it's hard to tell right now. i haven't lost hope, just some steam.

if anyone still uses this, i'm sorry. not for livejournal, but for bringing you down.