I made a commitment ...
that I'd pour all my worries & misery into this blog if need be just so I had some outlet, but I've been holding on to it and shying away from this.
Anyway I am hopeful things will be better, and perhaps today I can't see the good but at least I still haven't completely given up trying.
Every time I wake up early I'm filled with dread... this morning was the worst. I could not find a single thing to live for... even ana couldn't help me.
Me + alone = very bad
Me + alone + darkness = disaster
Though I love the dark.
Update:
- I'm still struggling to get at least 8 hours sleep (honestly who can do that?!).
- Still struggling with B/P which has made me weight go up and down but relatively stay the same in the end (UCK, all this time and still NO progress... wtf? :( I only have myself to blame). There are really good days / weeks & good progress and absolutely horrible days where my progress is ruined. I think the feeling of being controlled overwhelms me. I wish I could block out people for a bit so I can think, so I won't feel so trapped in their ideals / negativity... ever time I think of cutting someone off, I can't think of what they actually did wrong.
- Still can't quite make up my mind if I want to live or die. If it HAD to die, I'd wish I could die suicidal, at least then I'd be wanting death. It keeps me at a standstill.
I seem to go in these phases where death become the most beautiful / wanted thing, but then also it becomes the most terrible and completely terrifying thing.
It's the thought that I want everything; marriage, children, a house... an awesome career but at the same time all those things terrify me. The commitment, the fact that if I did have all those things I could never leave (technically I could, but to leave kids you chose to bring in the world? the thought is terrible to me... I'd always want to give them the childhood I never had, to always let them know they are the most important thing in this world) fills me with terror.
I know, even now that if I had all that... all I wanted I still wouldn't be "whole".
- I'm planning to change things. I'm getting this under control. No more excuses. I want to loose at least 10kgs! I already have people telling me to eat, it makes no sense. I know ana is the only thing that makes me happy, loosing weight... why do I always seem to forget that?
I must break this b/p cycle for good.
---------------------
I really hope all you lovely people are doing well <3
Anyway I am hopeful things will be better, and perhaps today I can't see the good but at least I still haven't completely given up trying.
Every time I wake up early I'm filled with dread... this morning was the worst. I could not find a single thing to live for... even ana couldn't help me.
Me + alone = very bad
Me + alone + darkness = disaster
Though I love the dark.
Update:
- I'm still struggling to get at least 8 hours sleep (honestly who can do that?!).
- Still struggling with B/P which has made me weight go up and down but relatively stay the same in the end (UCK, all this time and still NO progress... wtf? :( I only have myself to blame). There are really good days / weeks & good progress and absolutely horrible days where my progress is ruined. I think the feeling of being controlled overwhelms me. I wish I could block out people for a bit so I can think, so I won't feel so trapped in their ideals / negativity... ever time I think of cutting someone off, I can't think of what they actually did wrong.
- Still can't quite make up my mind if I want to live or die. If it HAD to die, I'd wish I could die suicidal, at least then I'd be wanting death. It keeps me at a standstill.
I seem to go in these phases where death become the most beautiful / wanted thing, but then also it becomes the most terrible and completely terrifying thing.
It's the thought that I want everything; marriage, children, a house... an awesome career but at the same time all those things terrify me. The commitment, the fact that if I did have all those things I could never leave (technically I could, but to leave kids you chose to bring in the world? the thought is terrible to me... I'd always want to give them the childhood I never had, to always let them know they are the most important thing in this world) fills me with terror.
I know, even now that if I had all that... all I wanted I still wouldn't be "whole".
- I'm planning to change things. I'm getting this under control. No more excuses. I want to loose at least 10kgs! I already have people telling me to eat, it makes no sense. I know ana is the only thing that makes me happy, loosing weight... why do I always seem to forget that?
I must break this b/p cycle for good.
---------------------
I really hope all you lovely people are doing well <3