fuck it
Almost a year since the last post, awesome.
Lets see here... Not in the navy, not getting married, not to stoked on life, not sure waking up is worth the energy anymore.
Seems like everything I cared about has either died or fallen apart in the past two years. I cant shake this constant feeling of regret and sadness. I don't want to lose another friend.... I cant deal with the death anymore but at the same time I visit with the people I once loved so much and I honestly feel like they might be better off dead. Heroin? Like are you dead fucking serious? Where the hell did all the ideals and will power go? when the fuck did everyone decide following the crowd WAS NOT such a bad idea anymore? am I the only one left that feels this way?
Seriously man, I have no clue what is going on. The past 9 months in particular have no doubt been the hardest in my life, no matter what I do I feel alone. My whole life has been ripped out from underneath me and I was left alone to pick up the pieces. I like to think I'm doing an okay job but there's something I cant put my finger on... something dragging me down still, stealing my motivation to live, making me hate every day I wake up. In between visits and bouts of happiness I find my true self, a lost, confused, and broken man standing in the shadow of what I once was.
Maybe its being home and facing certain realities that I chose to ignore for so long, maybe its all the people we've lost recently or maybe Im just fucked. I dont know anymore and Im not to sure I even care to know. I've found a certain comfort in my misery. This isnt a cry for help or me looking for a "dont worry it will be okay" this is me saying fuck you. I hate you and I hate everything you have become.
Keep making your jokes, I hope the history of alcoholism and substance dependence you are building for yourself works out well.
I'm NOT a person just like you and I STILL have better shit to do.
Lets see here... Not in the navy, not getting married, not to stoked on life, not sure waking up is worth the energy anymore.
Seems like everything I cared about has either died or fallen apart in the past two years. I cant shake this constant feeling of regret and sadness. I don't want to lose another friend.... I cant deal with the death anymore but at the same time I visit with the people I once loved so much and I honestly feel like they might be better off dead. Heroin? Like are you dead fucking serious? Where the hell did all the ideals and will power go? when the fuck did everyone decide following the crowd WAS NOT such a bad idea anymore? am I the only one left that feels this way?
Seriously man, I have no clue what is going on. The past 9 months in particular have no doubt been the hardest in my life, no matter what I do I feel alone. My whole life has been ripped out from underneath me and I was left alone to pick up the pieces. I like to think I'm doing an okay job but there's something I cant put my finger on... something dragging me down still, stealing my motivation to live, making me hate every day I wake up. In between visits and bouts of happiness I find my true self, a lost, confused, and broken man standing in the shadow of what I once was.
Maybe its being home and facing certain realities that I chose to ignore for so long, maybe its all the people we've lost recently or maybe Im just fucked. I dont know anymore and Im not to sure I even care to know. I've found a certain comfort in my misery. This isnt a cry for help or me looking for a "dont worry it will be okay" this is me saying fuck you. I hate you and I hate everything you have become.
Keep making your jokes, I hope the history of alcoholism and substance dependence you are building for yourself works out well.
I'm NOT a person just like you and I STILL have better shit to do.