I am not my body. I am not even my mind.
I wish I could be happy and outgoing and awesome all the time (you are)
I wish I could speak up and be more friendly with my coworkers (you can)
I wish I could tell new boy how I really feel about him (you can)
I wish I knew how he felt.
I wish I didn't feel so energetic when I got home from work and could just go to sleep.
There is only one thing in the aforementioned sentences that I can not actually control. I need to start smiling more. I really can control how I feel by seeing the beauty in all things. Theres truly no such thing as screwing up. Every mistake is a stepping stone to rebirth & growth, even if that stepping stone is learning how to be a little happier in life. "Life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you. We are in charge of our attitudes" - Charles Swindol
And so herein lies the challenge. Can I survive the downfalls (in solitude) of the urge to barf? or to cut? I was not even hungry or even craving much food tonight but I did it anyway. It really does make me feel good. It makes me high for a while until the guilt hits. This is why I can't have junk food in my apartment. Maybe I should have junk food and just learn to enjoy it every now and then. And to put it away when I have treated myself enough. And to just love myself no matter what. I should not restrict myself to anything except the things that make me unhappy. Eating until I am uncomfortable makes me uncomfortable. Barfing makes me uncomfortable. Cutting makes me uncomfortable. Procrastinating makes me uncomfortable.
I have a novel idea. (novel!? wtf?)
How about I start doing the things that make me happy. Like clean clothes make me happy, so I should do the laundry tomorrow. A happy boy friend (read: boy/friend) makes me happy so I should let him know that. Getting my homework done on time makes me happy. I should get that done tomorrow morning. Eating yummy healthy food makes me happy and makes me feel good. I should totally do that. I should drive with the windows down to smell the air whether it's fresh or not because it's not winter and I love the world. I will learn Rosetta Stone Spanish and meet my birthmother and brother and I hope to feel love, warmth, and lots of happiness. I will learn to fly someday when I have more time. I will keep running and doing yoga. I will keep loving my cat. I will do my best to make others happy because that makes the whole world a bit better.
I started tonight off in a not so great mood. Got yelled at by pt's family members at work the minute I introduced myself to them. The shift ended up better than it began but my ride home was nostalgic. I had sad thoughts. I worry new boy does not share the same feelings. I worry I will not make it as a nurse. I worry I am not good enough, for most things. Then I realized I only need to be good enough for me. I can create my own world of love and happiness.
I need to tell him how I feel though. I may be overanalyzing but I feel as though he is not as into me as he once was and I am falling harder every day. I see a beautiful person with such potential and a free spirit that I want to learn from and grow with. I want to stick to him and make him happy and give him kisses in the rain and in the dark. I want to wake up next to him day in an day out and appreciate his body next to mine. I want to see the way he looks at me, even when he's thinking about watching the next episode of the tv marathon at the moment. I want to know if I am crazy or if I just happen to fall for guys that I share things in common with.
I also want to go to the beach. I want to perfect my handstands. I want to be stronger. I want to run more races. I want to do the things that make me happy, and I want to do them everyday. The point is that everything I do can make me happy if I think of it that way.
I can't wait to sleep tonight.
Good night everyone.
I wish I could speak up and be more friendly with my coworkers (you can)
I wish I could tell new boy how I really feel about him (you can)
I wish I knew how he felt.
I wish I didn't feel so energetic when I got home from work and could just go to sleep.
There is only one thing in the aforementioned sentences that I can not actually control. I need to start smiling more. I really can control how I feel by seeing the beauty in all things. Theres truly no such thing as screwing up. Every mistake is a stepping stone to rebirth & growth, even if that stepping stone is learning how to be a little happier in life. "Life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you. We are in charge of our attitudes" - Charles Swindol
And so herein lies the challenge. Can I survive the downfalls (in solitude) of the urge to barf? or to cut? I was not even hungry or even craving much food tonight but I did it anyway. It really does make me feel good. It makes me high for a while until the guilt hits. This is why I can't have junk food in my apartment. Maybe I should have junk food and just learn to enjoy it every now and then. And to put it away when I have treated myself enough. And to just love myself no matter what. I should not restrict myself to anything except the things that make me unhappy. Eating until I am uncomfortable makes me uncomfortable. Barfing makes me uncomfortable. Cutting makes me uncomfortable. Procrastinating makes me uncomfortable.
I have a novel idea. (novel!? wtf?)
How about I start doing the things that make me happy. Like clean clothes make me happy, so I should do the laundry tomorrow. A happy boy friend (read: boy/friend) makes me happy so I should let him know that. Getting my homework done on time makes me happy. I should get that done tomorrow morning. Eating yummy healthy food makes me happy and makes me feel good. I should totally do that. I should drive with the windows down to smell the air whether it's fresh or not because it's not winter and I love the world. I will learn Rosetta Stone Spanish and meet my birthmother and brother and I hope to feel love, warmth, and lots of happiness. I will learn to fly someday when I have more time. I will keep running and doing yoga. I will keep loving my cat. I will do my best to make others happy because that makes the whole world a bit better.
I started tonight off in a not so great mood. Got yelled at by pt's family members at work the minute I introduced myself to them. The shift ended up better than it began but my ride home was nostalgic. I had sad thoughts. I worry new boy does not share the same feelings. I worry I will not make it as a nurse. I worry I am not good enough, for most things. Then I realized I only need to be good enough for me. I can create my own world of love and happiness.
I need to tell him how I feel though. I may be overanalyzing but I feel as though he is not as into me as he once was and I am falling harder every day. I see a beautiful person with such potential and a free spirit that I want to learn from and grow with. I want to stick to him and make him happy and give him kisses in the rain and in the dark. I want to wake up next to him day in an day out and appreciate his body next to mine. I want to see the way he looks at me, even when he's thinking about watching the next episode of the tv marathon at the moment. I want to know if I am crazy or if I just happen to fall for guys that I share things in common with.
I also want to go to the beach. I want to perfect my handstands. I want to be stronger. I want to run more races. I want to do the things that make me happy, and I want to do them everyday. The point is that everything I do can make me happy if I think of it that way.
I can't wait to sleep tonight.
Good night everyone.