(no subject)
This is going to sound really fucking dramatic, and no doubt emotion fueled, but it's been a long time coming.
The brain is like a diamond. The only things that can penetrate it are the things that it concieves. The brain can handle any kind of outside force, any pain caused to the body can be ignored. It's the pain that starts within that the brain is so scared of. She kicks into overdrive, she is anxious. She tells you that anything is better than this. She tells me to scream at the top of my lungs. I do it. Feels a little bit better. She is screaming now. "ANYTHING BUT THIS!" She wants me to punch something, punch someone. Curse and shout. She wants me to pierce myself, ink myself, cut myself. She wants me to swallow something, anything that will make her forget. She wants me at the bottom of the bridge or on top of the water, floating. She says hug the steering wheel real tight, and wake up in a hospital bed. Or don't. But I don't believe anything she says. She's a liar. I've seen it all before.. it never goes away. The pain is only transferred to those closest to you. All I can do is cry and cry.
But then it dawns on me. That's what takes the most COURAGE, the most STRENGTH. The hardest thing to do, ever, is just to cry. Nothing more, nothing less. Because crying means fight instead of flight. It means looking your devil in the face and saying "there's nothing you can fucking do to me." Those words came out of nowhere, I had no idea what I had just said.. until now. "There's nothing you can fucking do to me." I just got it.
If you haven't wept deeply, you have not yet begun to meditate.