a reason to celebrate!!!
It's Eddie Izzard's birthday!!!! He's 44! if you don't know who he is, download some of his routines (Dress to Kill - my personal favorite!, Cirlce, Definite Article, Glorious...)! I promise, you won't regret it! In fact, you shall be so grateful I made you do it that you shall bow at my feet and bring me black roses, jewelry and money for valentine's day! :) Or maybe just a hug and a kiss. ;)
this is interesting: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eddie_Izzard
something else interesting:
"I'm from Europe. Where the history comes
from."
Which Eddie Izzard line are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
If you absolutely cannot download any of his work... here it is in text (not the same effect though!)
Dress to Kill
* “So, San Francisco! [singing] San Francisco, San Francisco... Not "San Fran," no, apparently not! I didn’t know that, I would've said "San Fran," but you'd go, "No, we don't like 'San Fran', fuck it!" Or what's the other one you don't like? Oh, "Frisco"! You don’t like that either. [ audience hisses] And you're a city of snakes, I see! Hssssss! Everyone goes to a gig with a snake in their bag. Hssssss! No other cities have snakes as much as you. I've been to New York, no fucking snakes; Paris, no snakes; London, no snakes. San Francisco, full of fucking snakes! Hssssss! We did that at school! So you just call it [rolling eyes] "The City." Oh, right, "The City."”
* “When I was a kid in school, this careers advisor came to see us and said, "Look, I advise you to get a career, what can I say?" And he took me aside and he said, "What d'ya wanna do, kid? What is your dream?" I said, "I wanna be an astronaut! And go into outer space and discover things that no-one's ever discovered before!" He said, "Look, you're British, so scale it down a bit." "Alright, then I wanna work in a shoestore! And discover shoes that no-one's ever discovered! Right at the back of the shop on the left..." He said, "Look, you're British, so scale it down a bit!" "Alright, then I wanna work in a sewer. And discover sewage that no-one's ever discovered before! And pile it on my head, then come to the surface and sell myself to a modern art gallery!" He said, "What the fuck have you been smoking, kid? You certainly haven't been smoking in a Californian bar, that's for sure." [to audience] Because you can't! Yes... No Smoking in bars, and soon No Talking and No Drinking!”
* “Cable cars are fun. Everyone gets on board and becomes a rhesus monkey. No one talks on a cable car, they just hang and stare... And the guy in the front, with no steering wheel, going, "What the fuck? What the fuck's this one do?" [miming pulling levers] Pulling levers, levers... Is it four levers that just do fuck all? That it? He's always ringing that bell, going, "Help! Help!" [imitates bell ringing] Endless bell ringing! What is he, the Hunchback of Notre Dame? The bell... Him and the guy from the stock market are the same person, I think. At the end of the stock market, they ring a bell. It's the same bell. Oh, yes. [mimes writing on palm] "Never link those two together again."”
* “Squirrels always eat nuts with two hands, always two hands, "Raar-ra-ra-yum-yum-yum". And occasionally they stop and they go [gasps, starts, then pauses and looks around, wide-eyed] As if they're going, "Did I leave the gas on?" [sudden happy realization] "No! No, I'm a fucking squirrel!" [munching nuts]”
* “There's no Church of England fundamentalism. We can't have Church of England fundamentlaism. You know like they have Islamic fundamentalism. Jihad! ...Ah ha... Church of England fundamentalism is impossible because you can't have: "You must have tea and cake with the vicar or you die!" Tea and cake or death! Students with beards, "Tea and cake or death! Tea and cake or death! Little Red Cookbook! Little Red Cookbook!" Ca - you know, 'cause, "Cake or death?" That's a pretty easy question. Everybody - anyone could answer that. "Cake or death?" "Uhh, cake please." "Very well! Give him cake!" "Oh, thanks very much. It's very nice!" "You! Cake or death?" "Uh, cake for me, too, please!" "Very well! Give him cake, too! We're gonna run out of cake at this rate. You! Cake or death?" "Uh, death, please. No, cake! Cake! Cake, sorry. Sorry..." "You said death first, ah-ha, ah-ha, death first!" "Well I meant cake!" "Oh, all right. You're lucky I'm Church of England! Cake or death?" "Uh, cake please." "Well, we're out of cake! We only had three bits and we didn't expect such a rush! So what'll it be?" "What, so my choice is 'or death?' Well, then I'll have the chicken, please."”
* “[On chiropractors] I mean, you trust them with your life! They could have their fingers in your nostrils, one foot on the back of your underpants, and they're pushing your spine away with a broom. "What's this one all about?" "I have no idea..." [slingshot] "Wherever he falls, there shall he be buried!"”
* “His name changed from Jerry Dorsey to Englbert Humperdink! I mean, I'd just like to be in the room when they were working that one through: "Zinglebert Bambledack! Yingeebert Dangleban! Zanglebert Dingleback! Winglebert Humptiback! Slupbum Waller!" "What?" "Alright, Kringlebert Fishtibuns! Steveibuns Buttrentrunden..." "No, Jerry Dorsey! I like-" "No we can't... Let's see, we have Zinglebert Bambledack, Dinglebert Wangledack, Slupbum Waller, Klingibum Fistlbars, Dinglebert Zambeldack, uh... Jerry Dorsey, Englerbert Humptiback, Zinglebert Bambledack, Engelbert Humperdinck, Dinglebert Wingledank" "No, no, go back one!"”
* "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I did an original sin. I poked a badger with a spoon." "Say five Hail Mary's and six Hello Dolly's!"
* "Yes, I like my coffee hot and strong... Like I like my women: Hot and strong, with a spoon in them"
* “This bloke who pinned a note on a door, saying "Hang on a minute!" But in German, so "Ein minuten bitte! Ich habe eine kleinen problemo avec diese religione!" He was from everywhere.”- On Martin Luther
Dress to Kill 1999
* “I'm an executive transvestite.”
* “If women fall over wearing heels, that's embarrassing; but if a bloke falls over wearing heels, then you have to kill yourself! It's the end of your life, it's quite difficult. “
* “Yes, no smoking in bars now and soon no drinking and no talking! Be careful California, you're supposed to be the crazy state - out there, the wild ones. Soon everybody will be saying, "Come down to the library, we'll have a wild time!" “
* We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Just sail around the world and stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain!" And they're going "You can't claim us, we live here! Five hundred million of us!" "Do you have a flag? ... No flag, no country!"
* After the war, there was this feeling of no empire no longer... "Alright, come on Europe, give these countries back. Britain?" "What?" "What's that behind your back?" "Oh it's India and a number of other countries." "Give them back." "Oh all-right. This one goes here and that one there... Oh we need the Falklands! For strategic sheep purposes."
* In the 30s: Hitler, Czechoslovakia, Poland, France, the second World War -- the Russian front, not a good idea! Hitler never played Risk when he was a kid! 'Cause you know, playing Risk, you could never hold on to Asia. That Asian-Eastern European area, you could never hold it, could you? Seven extra men at the beginning of every go, but you couldn't fucking hold it!
* “Mais, la souris est en dessous la table, le chat est sur la chaise et le singe est… est… le singe est disparu!”
* “I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from. And uh...oooh yes. You tear your history down, man! Thirty years old let's smash it to the floor and put a car park here!”
* “"You killed a hundred thousand people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym! Your diary must look odd: Get up in the morning, Death, Death, Death, Death, Death, Death, Lunch, Death, Death, Death, Afternoon Tea, Death, Death, Death, Quick shower..."”
* “Japan and Germany should be the peacekeepers of the world. They should be parachuted in whenever something breaks out. Parachute Germans and Japanese in. They go, "Look, we've done this before, we've done the killing. Hello? Take it from us. Just chill, chill out!" And then they organise peace really efficiently, "Peace, peace, peace." “
* “Italy invented fascism. Mussolini in 1922 said "Right, we're all fascists," but most Italian people are always on scooters going "Ciao!" “
* “They set off from Plymouth and landed in Plymouth. How lucky is that? "This is Plymouth? We've just come from Plymouth! We've gone round in a circle, guys, back on the boat." - The Founding Fathers' arrival in America
* “The European Union: five hundred million people, two hundred languages: no one's got a clue what they're saying to each other.”
* “We had the Druids: long white robes, long white beards. Early transvestites. Didn't get their shaving together.”
* “'Cause the Roman Gods up to that point were crap. Jeff, the god of biscuits, and Simon, the god of hair-dos.”
* “"Now I'm going to marry my first wife, then I'm going to divorce her. Now, I know what you're going to say but wait, my story gets better! I'm going to marry my second wife, then I'm going to kill her! Cut her head off! Ahhh, you weren't expecting that, were you? Third wife, going to shoot her! Fourth wife, put her in a bag! Fifth wife, into outer space! Sixth wife on a Rotissomat! Seventh wife will be made out of jam..."- As King Henry VIII to the Pope
* “You crazy bugger! You can’t do all this! What are you, a Mormon?!” - As the Pope to King Henry VIII
* “What have you been reading, The Gospel according to St. Bastard?!” - As the Pope to King Henry VIII
* “So King Henry, who was played by Sean Connery for this picture, said: "Then I will start a new religion. The, uh... Psychotic Bastard Religion." And an aide said "Why not call it Church of England, sire?" "Aye, Church of England - even though I am Scottish, myself."- as Henry VIII
* “We've got known in Britain for making the smaller films. Recently we've been pulling out of that into the more Trainspotting area but the smaller films, they got the Room With a View With a Staircase and a Pond type movie. “
* “Whereas if the film did any little bit of business in America, if the film did some decent bit of business then Hollywood would take it, and they'd remake it and up the budget by 50 million and it would be called The Room With a View of HELL!...Staircase of Satan'...Pond of Death.”
* “We play bad guys in Hollywood movies because of the Revolutionary War... oh yes, no two ways about it. And the French, who were on your side in the Revolutionary War, they play more esoteric characters. They play characters who turn up and go "My name is Pierre. I have come from Paris. I have come to have sex with your family." "Help yourself! Because of the debt of honour to General Lafayette." [to audience] You know your own history, yeah? You don't know who he is do you? What's this, the Spanish-American War, the French-banana war? What? “
* “But we play bad guys in Hollywood movies, like take uh, The Empire Strikes Back from the Star Wars trilogy. The Death Star - just full of British actors opening doors and going: "Oh, I'm...oh...oh." "What is it, Lieutenant Sebastian?" "It's just the rebels, sir. They're here." "My God, man! Do they want tea?" "No, I think they're after something more than that, sir. I don't know what it is but they've brought a flag." "Damn! That's dashed cunning of them! Ah, Lord Vader'" [hollow breath] "Uh...hello?" Because he was only impressive because he had that James Earl Jones voice: [deep voice] "I'm...I am Vader. The force is strong with you." If he had a much more: [high wimpy voice] "'Ello! Look, I'm Lord Vader and just pay a-bloody-ttention alright? Luke, Luke the force is strong with you." "Is it?" "Yeah." "Well who told you that?" "Uh, s-some bloke. Yeah, he said the force is really rather strong with you." "Well how strong?" "Uh, as strong as a small pony." "Oh, that's quite strong, that is." It wouldn't have worked, would it?”
* “You've got to say something. You can't go down to the moon and go, "Oh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!"”- on Neil Armstrong's famous quote
* "But no, at 13 you're just going "'Ello Sue... I've got legs... D'ya like...bread? I've got a French loaf." [smack] "Byeee! I love you!"” - on puberty and lacking the verbal ability to chat up girls
Glorious
* “Beekeepers, yes... They've gotta want to be - "I want to be a beekeeper! I wanna keep bees! Don't wanna let them get away; I wanna keep them! They have too much freedom... I want bees on elastic, so when they get pollen, they come back here! My father was a beekeeper before me, his father was a beekeeper before him; I wanna walk in their footsteps... and their footsteps were like this: [running wildly from imaginary bees] Aaargh! I'm covered in bees! Aah! Covered in bees!" 'Cause that's your job, isn't it? They must lose it - beekeepers must lose it occasionally. You know, you're there, you've got the netting, you've got 2,000 bees... "raarzzz-bzzzzz"... and essentially you're trying to steal honey. "Bzzzzz!" "Morning! Morning! Morning! Hello, hello! Knock-knock, coming in! Hello! ... Look! There's a Ferrari over there - can you see that Ferrari? [stealing the honey] Yes, it's going very fast, isn't it? Well, good morning, thank you!" They must be walking back with all these bees around, and at some point, they must go: "What the fuck am I doing? I'm covered in bees! Help! I'm covered in bees!" And you don't get the normal perks of a normal job, like people who work in an office; they have other people there, you can flirt, you know? You go: "Hey! Oh, you're new here, aren't you? How are you getting on? Do you want a coffee? I was gonna go get a coffee - I can get you a coffee... You know, I like my coffee like I like my women - in a plastic cup!" [does double-take] Beekeepers can't do that! 2.000 bees: "bzzzzz"... "Hello there, you in the street! You're new, aren't you?" "Huh?" "Do you want a cup of coffee? It's no problem!" "Bzzzzz..." "No real problem..." "I don't want a cup of coffee from you! You're covered in bees!" "I-I like my women like I like my coffee, er, covered in bees! [to the bees] Alright, back off, back off! Aaargh!"”
* “Prince Phillip, he's a card! Has a habit of saying things like, "You're all bastards!", then "Was that wrong? Oh, I'm sorry..."”
* “"What. . . oh, I've wiped the file? Oh, damn. . . I've wiped ALL the files? . . . I've wiped the internet? Oh no, I don't even have a modem!"”
Definite Article
* “Pears can just fuck right off.”
Live At The Ambassador's
* “Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion - they're two words which are both... different. In spelling.”
* “Agatha Christie? We go back years, me and Ag. She's a... she's just a... she's dead, isn't she?”
* “She said "spell 'ant'" and I wrote out the entire alphabet. She said "that doesn't spell 'ant'," and I said "it's in there somewhere! There's the 'A', there's the 'N', there's the 'T' - the rest are silent!"”
Misc. Sources
* “In my first year I was taught about the slide rule. They said, "The slide rule is important. Without it you can do nothing. The slide rule is the modern weapon of efficiency. With the slide rule you can get from here to the stars. Buy it, use it - your slide rule!" Within one year it was, "Burn the slide rule. The calculator can add up with none of this fucking sliding the shit around and working out where that bit in the middle goes. Smash it over your head."” (( http://www.eddieizzard.com/biography/chapter05.izz ))
Attributed
* "I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less." Source: "Lust for Glorious."
* "'Danger' could be my middle name... but it's 'John'"
* "I am two lesbians in a man's body."
this is interesting: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eddie_Izzard
something else interesting:
"I'm from Europe. Where the history comes
from."
Which Eddie Izzard line are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
If you absolutely cannot download any of his work... here it is in text (not the same effect though!)
Dress to Kill
* “So, San Francisco! [singing] San Francisco, San Francisco... Not "San Fran," no, apparently not! I didn’t know that, I would've said "San Fran," but you'd go, "No, we don't like 'San Fran', fuck it!" Or what's the other one you don't like? Oh, "Frisco"! You don’t like that either. [ audience hisses] And you're a city of snakes, I see! Hssssss! Everyone goes to a gig with a snake in their bag. Hssssss! No other cities have snakes as much as you. I've been to New York, no fucking snakes; Paris, no snakes; London, no snakes. San Francisco, full of fucking snakes! Hssssss! We did that at school! So you just call it [rolling eyes] "The City." Oh, right, "The City."”
* “When I was a kid in school, this careers advisor came to see us and said, "Look, I advise you to get a career, what can I say?" And he took me aside and he said, "What d'ya wanna do, kid? What is your dream?" I said, "I wanna be an astronaut! And go into outer space and discover things that no-one's ever discovered before!" He said, "Look, you're British, so scale it down a bit." "Alright, then I wanna work in a shoestore! And discover shoes that no-one's ever discovered! Right at the back of the shop on the left..." He said, "Look, you're British, so scale it down a bit!" "Alright, then I wanna work in a sewer. And discover sewage that no-one's ever discovered before! And pile it on my head, then come to the surface and sell myself to a modern art gallery!" He said, "What the fuck have you been smoking, kid? You certainly haven't been smoking in a Californian bar, that's for sure." [to audience] Because you can't! Yes... No Smoking in bars, and soon No Talking and No Drinking!”
* “Cable cars are fun. Everyone gets on board and becomes a rhesus monkey. No one talks on a cable car, they just hang and stare... And the guy in the front, with no steering wheel, going, "What the fuck? What the fuck's this one do?" [miming pulling levers] Pulling levers, levers... Is it four levers that just do fuck all? That it? He's always ringing that bell, going, "Help! Help!" [imitates bell ringing] Endless bell ringing! What is he, the Hunchback of Notre Dame? The bell... Him and the guy from the stock market are the same person, I think. At the end of the stock market, they ring a bell. It's the same bell. Oh, yes. [mimes writing on palm] "Never link those two together again."”
* “Squirrels always eat nuts with two hands, always two hands, "Raar-ra-ra-yum-yum-yum". And occasionally they stop and they go [gasps, starts, then pauses and looks around, wide-eyed] As if they're going, "Did I leave the gas on?" [sudden happy realization] "No! No, I'm a fucking squirrel!" [munching nuts]”
* “There's no Church of England fundamentalism. We can't have Church of England fundamentlaism. You know like they have Islamic fundamentalism. Jihad! ...Ah ha... Church of England fundamentalism is impossible because you can't have: "You must have tea and cake with the vicar or you die!" Tea and cake or death! Students with beards, "Tea and cake or death! Tea and cake or death! Little Red Cookbook! Little Red Cookbook!" Ca - you know, 'cause, "Cake or death?" That's a pretty easy question. Everybody - anyone could answer that. "Cake or death?" "Uhh, cake please." "Very well! Give him cake!" "Oh, thanks very much. It's very nice!" "You! Cake or death?" "Uh, cake for me, too, please!" "Very well! Give him cake, too! We're gonna run out of cake at this rate. You! Cake or death?" "Uh, death, please. No, cake! Cake! Cake, sorry. Sorry..." "You said death first, ah-ha, ah-ha, death first!" "Well I meant cake!" "Oh, all right. You're lucky I'm Church of England! Cake or death?" "Uh, cake please." "Well, we're out of cake! We only had three bits and we didn't expect such a rush! So what'll it be?" "What, so my choice is 'or death?' Well, then I'll have the chicken, please."”
* “[On chiropractors] I mean, you trust them with your life! They could have their fingers in your nostrils, one foot on the back of your underpants, and they're pushing your spine away with a broom. "What's this one all about?" "I have no idea..." [slingshot] "Wherever he falls, there shall he be buried!"”
* “His name changed from Jerry Dorsey to Englbert Humperdink! I mean, I'd just like to be in the room when they were working that one through: "Zinglebert Bambledack! Yingeebert Dangleban! Zanglebert Dingleback! Winglebert Humptiback! Slupbum Waller!" "What?" "Alright, Kringlebert Fishtibuns! Steveibuns Buttrentrunden..." "No, Jerry Dorsey! I like-" "No we can't... Let's see, we have Zinglebert Bambledack, Dinglebert Wangledack, Slupbum Waller, Klingibum Fistlbars, Dinglebert Zambeldack, uh... Jerry Dorsey, Englerbert Humptiback, Zinglebert Bambledack, Engelbert Humperdinck, Dinglebert Wingledank" "No, no, go back one!"”
* "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I did an original sin. I poked a badger with a spoon." "Say five Hail Mary's and six Hello Dolly's!"
* "Yes, I like my coffee hot and strong... Like I like my women: Hot and strong, with a spoon in them"
* “This bloke who pinned a note on a door, saying "Hang on a minute!" But in German, so "Ein minuten bitte! Ich habe eine kleinen problemo avec diese religione!" He was from everywhere.”- On Martin Luther
Dress to Kill 1999
* “I'm an executive transvestite.”
* “If women fall over wearing heels, that's embarrassing; but if a bloke falls over wearing heels, then you have to kill yourself! It's the end of your life, it's quite difficult. “
* “Yes, no smoking in bars now and soon no drinking and no talking! Be careful California, you're supposed to be the crazy state - out there, the wild ones. Soon everybody will be saying, "Come down to the library, we'll have a wild time!" “
* We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Just sail around the world and stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain!" And they're going "You can't claim us, we live here! Five hundred million of us!" "Do you have a flag? ... No flag, no country!"
* After the war, there was this feeling of no empire no longer... "Alright, come on Europe, give these countries back. Britain?" "What?" "What's that behind your back?" "Oh it's India and a number of other countries." "Give them back." "Oh all-right. This one goes here and that one there... Oh we need the Falklands! For strategic sheep purposes."
* In the 30s: Hitler, Czechoslovakia, Poland, France, the second World War -- the Russian front, not a good idea! Hitler never played Risk when he was a kid! 'Cause you know, playing Risk, you could never hold on to Asia. That Asian-Eastern European area, you could never hold it, could you? Seven extra men at the beginning of every go, but you couldn't fucking hold it!
* “Mais, la souris est en dessous la table, le chat est sur la chaise et le singe est… est… le singe est disparu!”
* “I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from. And uh...oooh yes. You tear your history down, man! Thirty years old let's smash it to the floor and put a car park here!”
* “"You killed a hundred thousand people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym! Your diary must look odd: Get up in the morning, Death, Death, Death, Death, Death, Death, Lunch, Death, Death, Death, Afternoon Tea, Death, Death, Death, Quick shower..."”
* “Japan and Germany should be the peacekeepers of the world. They should be parachuted in whenever something breaks out. Parachute Germans and Japanese in. They go, "Look, we've done this before, we've done the killing. Hello? Take it from us. Just chill, chill out!" And then they organise peace really efficiently, "Peace, peace, peace." “
* “Italy invented fascism. Mussolini in 1922 said "Right, we're all fascists," but most Italian people are always on scooters going "Ciao!" “
* “They set off from Plymouth and landed in Plymouth. How lucky is that? "This is Plymouth? We've just come from Plymouth! We've gone round in a circle, guys, back on the boat." - The Founding Fathers' arrival in America
* “The European Union: five hundred million people, two hundred languages: no one's got a clue what they're saying to each other.”
* “We had the Druids: long white robes, long white beards. Early transvestites. Didn't get their shaving together.”
* “'Cause the Roman Gods up to that point were crap. Jeff, the god of biscuits, and Simon, the god of hair-dos.”
* “"Now I'm going to marry my first wife, then I'm going to divorce her. Now, I know what you're going to say but wait, my story gets better! I'm going to marry my second wife, then I'm going to kill her! Cut her head off! Ahhh, you weren't expecting that, were you? Third wife, going to shoot her! Fourth wife, put her in a bag! Fifth wife, into outer space! Sixth wife on a Rotissomat! Seventh wife will be made out of jam..."- As King Henry VIII to the Pope
* “You crazy bugger! You can’t do all this! What are you, a Mormon?!” - As the Pope to King Henry VIII
* “What have you been reading, The Gospel according to St. Bastard?!” - As the Pope to King Henry VIII
* “So King Henry, who was played by Sean Connery for this picture, said: "Then I will start a new religion. The, uh... Psychotic Bastard Religion." And an aide said "Why not call it Church of England, sire?" "Aye, Church of England - even though I am Scottish, myself."- as Henry VIII
* “We've got known in Britain for making the smaller films. Recently we've been pulling out of that into the more Trainspotting area but the smaller films, they got the Room With a View With a Staircase and a Pond type movie. “
* “Whereas if the film did any little bit of business in America, if the film did some decent bit of business then Hollywood would take it, and they'd remake it and up the budget by 50 million and it would be called The Room With a View of HELL!...Staircase of Satan'...Pond of Death.”
* “We play bad guys in Hollywood movies because of the Revolutionary War... oh yes, no two ways about it. And the French, who were on your side in the Revolutionary War, they play more esoteric characters. They play characters who turn up and go "My name is Pierre. I have come from Paris. I have come to have sex with your family." "Help yourself! Because of the debt of honour to General Lafayette." [to audience] You know your own history, yeah? You don't know who he is do you? What's this, the Spanish-American War, the French-banana war? What? “
* “But we play bad guys in Hollywood movies, like take uh, The Empire Strikes Back from the Star Wars trilogy. The Death Star - just full of British actors opening doors and going: "Oh, I'm...oh...oh." "What is it, Lieutenant Sebastian?" "It's just the rebels, sir. They're here." "My God, man! Do they want tea?" "No, I think they're after something more than that, sir. I don't know what it is but they've brought a flag." "Damn! That's dashed cunning of them! Ah, Lord Vader'" [hollow breath] "Uh...hello?" Because he was only impressive because he had that James Earl Jones voice: [deep voice] "I'm...I am Vader. The force is strong with you." If he had a much more: [high wimpy voice] "'Ello! Look, I'm Lord Vader and just pay a-bloody-ttention alright? Luke, Luke the force is strong with you." "Is it?" "Yeah." "Well who told you that?" "Uh, s-some bloke. Yeah, he said the force is really rather strong with you." "Well how strong?" "Uh, as strong as a small pony." "Oh, that's quite strong, that is." It wouldn't have worked, would it?”
* “You've got to say something. You can't go down to the moon and go, "Oh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!"”- on Neil Armstrong's famous quote
* "But no, at 13 you're just going "'Ello Sue... I've got legs... D'ya like...bread? I've got a French loaf." [smack] "Byeee! I love you!"” - on puberty and lacking the verbal ability to chat up girls
Glorious
* “Beekeepers, yes... They've gotta want to be - "I want to be a beekeeper! I wanna keep bees! Don't wanna let them get away; I wanna keep them! They have too much freedom... I want bees on elastic, so when they get pollen, they come back here! My father was a beekeeper before me, his father was a beekeeper before him; I wanna walk in their footsteps... and their footsteps were like this: [running wildly from imaginary bees] Aaargh! I'm covered in bees! Aah! Covered in bees!" 'Cause that's your job, isn't it? They must lose it - beekeepers must lose it occasionally. You know, you're there, you've got the netting, you've got 2,000 bees... "raarzzz-bzzzzz"... and essentially you're trying to steal honey. "Bzzzzz!" "Morning! Morning! Morning! Hello, hello! Knock-knock, coming in! Hello! ... Look! There's a Ferrari over there - can you see that Ferrari? [stealing the honey] Yes, it's going very fast, isn't it? Well, good morning, thank you!" They must be walking back with all these bees around, and at some point, they must go: "What the fuck am I doing? I'm covered in bees! Help! I'm covered in bees!" And you don't get the normal perks of a normal job, like people who work in an office; they have other people there, you can flirt, you know? You go: "Hey! Oh, you're new here, aren't you? How are you getting on? Do you want a coffee? I was gonna go get a coffee - I can get you a coffee... You know, I like my coffee like I like my women - in a plastic cup!" [does double-take] Beekeepers can't do that! 2.000 bees: "bzzzzz"... "Hello there, you in the street! You're new, aren't you?" "Huh?" "Do you want a cup of coffee? It's no problem!" "Bzzzzz..." "No real problem..." "I don't want a cup of coffee from you! You're covered in bees!" "I-I like my women like I like my coffee, er, covered in bees! [to the bees] Alright, back off, back off! Aaargh!"”
* “Prince Phillip, he's a card! Has a habit of saying things like, "You're all bastards!", then "Was that wrong? Oh, I'm sorry..."”
* “"What. . . oh, I've wiped the file? Oh, damn. . . I've wiped ALL the files? . . . I've wiped the internet? Oh no, I don't even have a modem!"”
Definite Article
* “Pears can just fuck right off.”
Live At The Ambassador's
* “Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion - they're two words which are both... different. In spelling.”
* “Agatha Christie? We go back years, me and Ag. She's a... she's just a... she's dead, isn't she?”
* “She said "spell 'ant'" and I wrote out the entire alphabet. She said "that doesn't spell 'ant'," and I said "it's in there somewhere! There's the 'A', there's the 'N', there's the 'T' - the rest are silent!"”
Misc. Sources
* “In my first year I was taught about the slide rule. They said, "The slide rule is important. Without it you can do nothing. The slide rule is the modern weapon of efficiency. With the slide rule you can get from here to the stars. Buy it, use it - your slide rule!" Within one year it was, "Burn the slide rule. The calculator can add up with none of this fucking sliding the shit around and working out where that bit in the middle goes. Smash it over your head."” (( http://www.eddieizzard.com/biography/chapter05.izz ))
Attributed
* "I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less." Source: "Lust for Glorious."
* "'Danger' could be my middle name... but it's 'John'"
* "I am two lesbians in a man's body."