You're the one I'm dreaming of - Chapter 4 + 5
Title: You're the one I'm dreaming of
Author: xredSunburstx
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: N14+ for later Chapters
Summary: Arizona and Callie met the first time in High School and both of them know there's a connection, a special feeling they want to give in. But it's harder than they thought and years are passing until they are able to see each other and be together again.
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me, only the idea and words of this fanfiction. They belong to my thoughts and my heart.
Chapter 4 - I gotta feeling
(Calliope's pov)
I was an easy one, an easy one on love…
I could fall in love so quickly, hurt myself badly.
I came always back with broken wings. Hardly, but I made it.
Yeah, I was an easy one to fall, an easy one to make wrong decisions my whole life, because, I guess, I felt lonely most of the time and I searched for love in every face I saw. And I always was a good lover; I was a strong lover. Oh and I was good in digging my own grave.
I absolutely know how it feels to fall in love. Hey, I had a serious crush on Drew Barrymore when I was 12 years old, so I absolutely know how it is.
But… now it's different… I fall so quickly and hard and abruptly for someone I shouldn't fall for. I promised myself to take it slow, to not fall apart and over board, crying out for love.
But when I first kissed her softly, without her knowing it at all, I lost myself in her mouth, in her lips, in her closed eyes.
And even I told myself not to, I was falling… hard.
When I was walking home, with my lips still tingling, I knew that I was losing my heart, giving it away to a girl who didn't even knew why my lips were feeling crazy like that just because of her. Because of a kiss she wasn't even capable of.
I touched my lips with my finger, slowly and softly, and when I licked over them I still tasted her vanilla chap stick. I still knew how she felt; I just wished she would remember it too…
I walked almost an hour before I got home, an hour too late and I know I should have called them to tell them where I am, but I just couldn't. All I needed to do was walking home to get a clear head. All I needed was a little bit time for myself. But it didn't really help… all it helped was realizing how… beautiful she is…
And all it helped was getting into serious trouble.
Even I walked in, greeting my parents quickly before walking up the stairs, it wasn't enough for them. Not enough for my dad.
"Young lady, stop in your tracks - NOW!" That's when I spun around, annoyed, knowing it wouldn't be the last thing I was going to hear.
"Where have you been?"
"At Arizona's, dad. I helped her with some schoolwork and I told you."
"I know that. But I WANT to know where you have been that long!" He screamed furiously like I knew him… loosing his temper sometimes.
"Dad… I stayed a little bit longer at her place and we watched a movie…"
"Don't lie to me, Calliope! Don't lie to your dad, mija! You've been with a boy like your other friends! You have a boyfriend!"
And there it was: his paranoid bone. Wrong accusations, accumulations filled with wrong ideas.
I'd love to tell him everything. I'd love to tell him that there's never going to be a boy I'm sneaking to.
"Dad, I have no boyfriend and I'm not meeting a boy secretly." I answered deflating like always.
"Of course you do! Everyone in your age has, so don't lie to me!"
And then I'm breaking, emotions floating out of my open wounds I tried to keep closed up for a long time. I have never been like they wanted me to be and even there have been a lot of signs they never wanted to see it. They never accepted the thought of their sweet girl never falling in love with a boy, not being as perfect as their son. Not being 'normal'.
But what is normal? What is right and what is wrong? No one can answer those questions. No one can tell me that I'm disgusting. No one can tell me what to do, what to follow, who to love. And even I know it's hard for them to understand I just wished they would.
"I'm not like everyone…" I whisper hardly audible while I'm not able to look him into the eyes.
"What?" he asks loudly, standing there like I always knew him: a tall walking man, filled with pride. But now it's me who should walk tall and so I look him directly in the eyes, speaking the same words again.
"I'm… not… like… EVERYONE!"
I say out loud, leaving him speechless for a few minutes. He is not used to me, being honest. He is not used to me speaking up. But it's still the only thing I have to say, the only thing I want him finally to realize and not to make a false accusation. It's a rare moment in which my head is burning and my whole body is trembling and just a few seconds later I'm my old self again, looking to the ground.
"I was at Arizona's the whole time. That's the truth. Believe it or not. I don't care."
I say, but what I mean is: I wish you would believe me. I wish you would realize and I do care.
I wait a few seconds. I wait for him to say sorry, but he is not the kind of man who is giving in and so I spin around, say "Goodnight." before I'm running into my room and throw myself onto my bed.
It's really not easy to grow up and it's absolutely not easy to fall in love.
And the night is filled with her smile.
And I'm sleepless, because of her.
Because of love.
Sometimes days are not going like you wished they would. They are strange and you feel like a dark cloud is hovering over your head, moving with you, never leaving your side.
On some days you are standing up and you realize it would be better to stay in bed and hide your face from anyone until another day is starting. But though you stand up, because you feel responsible. Because you have responsibilities and duties. So you do it. You stand up with your heart or your head aching, but you regret it as soon as you step out of your house into the jungle.
And the jungle I'm now walking in is high school.
Our high school jungle in which I walk, not tall anymore, today I'm bent. I still can't forget the conversation with my dad, I can't concentrate and I got myself in trouble during English class what never really happens and on the top of everything I see her, usually happy about it, but now unfortunately unhappy when she seems unfortunately happy.
Beautiful soft curls being touched by brown and strong hands, but not my hands. Instead he is standing there, laughing while she seems silent. Their friends are building a circle, talking, making jokes, looking like the upper nobility. And there's me, the normal citizen, for them, more like a dregs, watching her, aching for her lips to touch mine again. Just a brief moment like yesterday… But she isn't seeing me, she isn't…
"Hey Callie! Callie!" When I hear the voice of my best friend I find the strength to finally look away and walk into the opposite direction, looking into Anna's hopeful eyes. I know her just for a few weeks; just a few months ago I met her when she attended school and she sat beside me weaving and smiling my way. The first time I saw her I knew we were meant to be best friends, and here she, knowing more about me than anyone else, but still not knowing my deepest secret.
"Hey Anna." I reply sending her a soft smile, and I don't need to say something else to make her start rambling about simply everything. It's something that makes me smile, something I started to love, and something that just got worse when she is drunk. It's kind of adorable.
"God! You won't believe me what happened yesterday! First of all I tried to reach you to let you know what was going on, but couldn't reach you and so I'm able to tell you know, but not earlier, you know? You are the first I'm going to tell it!"
"Hey, Ann. Slow down! Take a breath and then - tell me." I say laughing out loud. Yeah, that's how I know her.
"Okay - well… you know Jake, don't you? Yes, of course you do! Well, I was talking about him the last few weeks, of course you know him! Well, okay… yesterday evening we were out together! We got to this nice dancing club, the new one, you know? Well… then after we danced for what felt like hours he asked me if he should bring me home or if I've got some time left. I told him I have school tomorrow, what is today to be exactly, but I said 'Jake, I've got as long as you want to hang out with me' and he was like one of those handsome guys in the movies and said in a low voice 'Forever. That's how long I want to hang out with you'… okay… to be honest he said:' I have an hour left', but I knew what he wanted to say! And then we drove to lover's lake and you know what you are doing at lover's lake, don't ya?"
"Yeah I know clearly, Ann." I reply smiling right before she continues.
"And you know what we did? We kissed, Callie! He actually kissed me!" Now there's the point where she's grabbing my hands and we are usually jumping around like teenagers… Well, we are still teenagers, but with my heart aching and bleeding like that I feel like an old soul. Man… my heart is singing THE hopeless love blues. I'm an old and broken soul! But I try to find my strength to show her how happy I truly am; even it's difficult to be right now.
"That's cool! I'm happy for you!" I say, taking the expression on her face in, wishing I could be the one, smiling and being high because of love. And then she's asking, taking the knife and pulling it in further more.
"How was your day? Where have you been the whole day?" She asks, friendly, but I don't want to answer her. Usually I would. But I can't find the strength to answer her now.
"Nothing important was going on… I've been here and there…"
Talking 'bout best friends… they always know when you are lying.
"Callie? What's wrong with you?" She asks and even I know she really cares I'm not ready to reply. So I simply answer: "Everything's alright!"
"Hey! Don't lie to me I know you good enough to say it's not perfectly alright! You know you can talk to me, right? So please, just…"
"God Anna! Just leave it, okay? I'm okay! Don't ask me all the time what's wrong! I'm fine!" I hiss more aggressive than I wanted it to sound, but like I said: You should better stay in bed when you have a bad feeling. I shouldn't have gone to school today and I shouldn't have been so miserable and letting her pay for something I felt, for something I did wrong. But there she is, saying: "Okay, I'm sorry for asking how my best friend is. Call me first when you are normal again." And then she's gone and I'm on my own, hating myself for taking it out on her when she is the only one I need right now to talk to…
"I'm sorry, I just… you know… I'm going to call you…"
She tries to smile for me.
"I know…" She replies, still smiling and nodding understandingly.
A really remarkable person once told me that Friendship and Love is Forgiveness and Understanding. And with that she has been right all the time.
Everybody needs a place to go when everything is too much. We search desperately for a place where our head isn't spinning anymore and you are able to think clearly again.
You need to compose your thoughts and try to find a way back into your life. That's what I'm doing every time I'm sitting under green leaves, flying like beautiful birds because of the soft summer wind, swinging bidirectional and whenever I'm watching trough the leaves, the sun reflecting in my eyes it's the only time I feel calm full and able to think about everything what's going on. I've finally got some spare time in a place where it's hard to be who you are all the time, in which I'm still seeing her face in front of my eyes. How it's possible to be captured by someone you just know a few days?
I never believed someone could turn my world upside down like Arizona. But she truly was all I could see, and all I could think about. Now I just wished she would recognize me.
"Calliope!" Immediately I look down, searching for the person who called me by my name.
"Arizona?" I ask, more than I say, because I'm surprised what she is doing here.
"You mind if I sit down?" She asks while she is sending me her wide smile.
"Of course not!"
"Thanks…" And with that she sits down by my side, her legs just a centimetre away from me and all I can think about is…
"Everything's alright?" She's frowning, her eyes never leaving mine and I wonder if she saw how I checked her out. Oh gosh is this embarrassing…
"Kind of…" I answer simply, hoping she wouldn't ask what's wrong with me, but I also hope she would ask. I wish she would care.
"Kind of?" She smiles softly like she understands everything, like I can talk to her, no matter what's going on in my life and honestly I never felt that good. And because of that I want to answer her, as honestly as I can, but as soon as I'm opening my mouth we are interrupted before we could even start a real conversation.
"Arizona?" We are both looking up at the same time and both of us don't seem to be too happy about the person who called out for her. Brittany, queen of the cheerleaders.
"Brittany." She replies, trying to smile friendly, but I am looking underneath and what I see is discomfort. Because of me or because of her?
"What are you doing here?"
"I'm talking to Calliope."
"I see… shouldn't you be hanging out with Steve?" She says fitted, like her nose, but I know what she wants to ask: What are you doing with her? Shouldn't you be with the other, the cool girls?
But Arizona isn't doing a move, instead she says:" I'm exactly where I want and should be."
And even I know I shouldn't feel the butterflies dancing around, celebrating her company, I shouldn't lay it up like I do. She isn't feeling the same… She is just… friendly…
"Okkayy…" Suspiciously she looks around, before she's leaving again.
And then we are left, but not very long, because someone else is calling out for her and I feel like I'm now enjoying a very seldom privilege for losers like me. But then she says something I never expected.
"I have to go now, but… Calliope… what I wanted to say is… I really enjoyed the last time we spent together. Thanks a lot for helping me. If you want we could spent the evening today? I'm free and I'd love to hang around in the city. You like to spend some time with me?"
And that's when my heart is pounding heavily in my chest.
Oh yeah, I really gotta feeling that tonight's gonna be a good night.
Chapter 5 - Just one night
How do you imagine a perfect American first date?
A 'meeting', with a girl, you don't even know how to label?
Is it a date or just a friendship thing? I wish I'd know. But it's still the same for me. I can spend one whole evening with her and no one is interrupting us, no one is spying and wondering why a beautiful girl like her is spending time with me.
I couldn't be more nervous. I couldn't be more pleased and so I just call out for my parents, I weave and tell them I'm going to be home as soon as possible.
And when the fresh summer wind is gracing my skin I'm closing my eyes just for a moment while I'm walking down the street and I think about how much the last days changed my life.
Maybe it means nothing to her, but to me it means everything.
Love isn't nothing. Love is everything and even it hurts a little bit right now, because she isn't mine and maybe she is never going to be at all, all I can think of is how she lightened my life, without knowing it at all.
I'm walking to her house for over 20 minutes and when I'm standing there in front of her front door my whole body is trembling slightly with anticipation and I nee to compose myself before I'm touching the door bell, listening to the soft sound it creates inside the house, how it creates noises and starts whispers. And when the door finally opens I see a vision of myself in her eyes, so clearly and honestly.
Is it anticipation or is it affection? Or is it just what I want to see?
"Hey…" She breathes out in a whisper.
"Hay…" I reply, smiling slightly, melting underneath.
This kind of affection is almost killing me. How beautiful she looks in a simple shirt and short black jeans, caressing her slender body perfectly. She stands there, hopefully, like she waited just for me. Like she waited all her life for me to finally appear and take her out, take her into another world. And finally I'm there, grinning like a fool, waiting for her to close the door behind her. Close the door to her old life and instead coming with me.
And even I know it's going to be just one single night.
Even I know she's my Cinderella for this single night.
And even I know this will be the only night I have with her, before she's turning away from me, and heading back into his direction, into her old life again, I'm never going to forget how she's smiling my way right now.
"Ready to go?" I ask and she's nodding shyly before she's closing the door behind her, before she is mine, just for this night.
Full moon is exactly 3 days in a month and it has so many meanings:
In science full moon is just a lunar phase that occurs when the moon is on the opposite side of the earth. A lot of people are not able to sleep when it's full moon, staying sleepless for 3 nights. The Teutons started their gatherings during the full moon period and a lot of magical rituals had to be done around those three days. Parents also like to tell stories about witches and werewolves who are active around the full moon period.
But for me it always had something magical and I ask myself if it's fate, if it's fate that full moon is tonight too, on this special night. Looking up into the beautiful darkening sky you can't overlook it.
And for me, the full moon is just a sign of attraction, tonight.
It's a sign for not shown feeling. It's a sign for my growing love.
"Calliope! Look! It's full moon tonight!" Arizona says with such a wave of enthusiasm I believe she has never seen something simple like that in her entire life. But that is something I like about her, something that makes her special, different from all the others.
When I look at her intentionally it is the sparkle in her eyes I miss in everyone else's eyes. And when I look at her I feel love rushing through every vein of my body and I believe it'd never be the same, with no one.
"Isn't it incredible? Every time I look up I'm… speechless… how wonderful the world is, you know?"
I nod smiling. Of course I know. Of course I know how beautiful the world, how beautiful someone can be.
"You will be able to see it the whole night."I replie, still smiling.
"Why?" She giggles lovingly. "You still haven't told me what we were going to do? What have you planned Calliope Torres?" She asks while an alluring smile is gracing her pink lips.
"It's going to be my secret. You will see when we are there!" I answer and make her giggle even more, but just 10 minutes later I say: "We are there!" and she laughs even more. "A typical American date, huh?"
I look up when those words leaves her mouth, knowing she doesn't mean it the way I want her to mean it. But still it's said, filling my heart with passion and affection for the blond haired girl.
"Come on, Arizona. The movie is starting soon." I say to deflect her and her eyes are glancing, and I'm noticing more than pleasant anticipation for the movie in her eyes, but I can't tell what it is. I guess I'm just pleased she is smiling my way.
And yes, today full moon is different.
For me it will be a sign for something you can't have even you'd die for it.
I'd die for her.
I'm not really interested in the movie, what is really unlikely for me, but though I'm really good in pretending. And what else should I do than looking at the big screen in front of me?
All I can do is waiting what is happening next.
All I can think about is the slight touch of our hands or our shoulders and arms.
When our fingers suddenly touch while we are grabbing for popcorn I can't resist looking into her eyes and the movie is long forgotten.
All I want to say is:" I'm crazy for you…"
All I am saying instead is:" Is the chair comfortable?"
She isn't replying and I have the feeling I said something wrong, but then she looks away to rest her head on my shoulder and whispers smiling:" Now it's comfortable."
„What are we doing now? Where are you taking me, Calliope?" She asks, the giant and typical Arizona smile always grazing her face, the whole evening.
"Haven't you ever heard of surprises?"
"I hate surprises!" Her mouth says while her eyes clearly say something different.
"You love surprises! You and I know and the whole world knows! A person like you couldn't hate surprises!"
"A person like me?" She asks and I'm nearly answering: "A kind, caring and beautiful person like you. Someone who is as adorable and awesome like you can't hate surprises." But it was too late when she saw where I was taking her. Her mouth hangs open and she starts to laugh.
"You are a romantic, Calliope!" She blurts out while she was taking off her shoes and taking my hand into hers. "You know, when I was younger I spent here a lot time, but then my friends came and Steve, they didn't need the beach and ocean because they had swimming pools and oh god - how I've missed this! It's beautiful, Calliope, Isn't it?" She rambles, adorable like always and I answer while I'm looking in her direction: "Yeah it is…"
"You know what I missed about here?" She asked me while we both were sitting in front of the ocean, watching the waves jumping up and down and then staying calm and peaceful within seconds. "I missed the sound of the ocean - closing your eyes, you are finally drifting away. It's an amazing feeling."
"But why did you never come back after you got a part of them if you love it so much?"
Then suddenly her soft smile changed into something unreadable, mystic.
"Things changes… time changes everything…" She says with a tone in her voice I can't ignore. I want to ask her what's going on, how she truly feels. I want to know everything but most of all I want her to be happy, but she doesn't seem to be happy at all.
"And you? Were you coming here often?"
"All the time… it's my favourite place and because of that I wanted to show it to you, even I already guessed you saw this place before. I just wanted to make new memories you." I say honestly. Honestly for the first time, but at the same time I regret what I said just a few seconds ago and so I start to talk, talk and talk without an ending.
"I'm sorry, that has to sound really corny. Usually I'm not like that, it's just that I… you know. I'm really sorry about that, I hoped I didn't…" Her finger on my lips is the only thing that stops me from talking and all I can look is at her slightly smiling lips.
"It's absolutely okay, super okay, Calliope. I know what you mean."
And then we sit in silence, just for a few minutes. Minutes which feel like horrible hours.
But then she finally says something that starts something new, something exiting.
"Calliope?"
"Yeah?"
"You know what I would like to do?"
My heart starts to beat faster and while I'm looking at her lips I can't think about something else than finally being able to touch her lips again. My heart radiates…
"I want to swim…"
… and slows down again.
"What? What do you want to do?"
"Come on, Calliope! It's beautiful!" She already stands up, just waiting for me.
"But… but we've nothing here for swimming…?" I ask confused, but she doesn't really seem to care.
"No problem and now come on or I'm going in there on my own!" She is calling as she lifts the simple black top over her head and jumps out of her black jeans, letting both of it falling to the sand, waiting almost naked in front of me in her black underwear.
I shouldn't, but I gaze.
I couldn't. But I look away. God… she is so beautiful…
"I will go in there now. Are you coming?" She says, waiting for me to take her hand and stand up. And finally I was managing to stand up; holding her hand firmly in mine and all I want to do is touching her hand firmly. She is just so beautiful…
Her skin so creamy, her blond curls caressing her chin and her lips so full and pink, and her figure so slender and perfect.
But all I am doing is getting the purple shirt over my head and my blue trousers out, following her into the water. Following Arizona, who smiled like a child on Christmas.
But instead of Arizona, who was standing with the water right over her breasts I couldn't take another step and I was freezing with the water only reaching my knees.
"Hey, Calliope? What's wrong?"
"I… I can't…"
"Why?" I could say: I can't really swim… but instead I answered:" It's freaking cold…"
First she laughs heartily, until she is smiling again, insightfully, giving me the feeling I'm not acting as childish as I think I do.
"Don't worry. Just come nearer to me Calliope. You get used to it." But with her coming near me it don't really help to stop shaking.
"You have to get restful, wind down, Calliope. Come on… close your eyes…"
I don't want to look away. I want to… I want to look at her forever… I want to look at her as long as I can, before this evening stop, but I am doing it though, waiting what would come next. And there it is: her hands on my hips
"You need to calm down. Don't think about how cold the water is, think about something else. Think about how different it is to be touched under water. It's an amazing feeling, isn't it?" Arizona asks while skimming over my abdomen and saying I'm shivering would be a real understandment. But I only nod with my head, scared I'd gasp pleasured with opening my mouth when I feel her hands crawling softly over my belly, almost placing her hand over my breast, then reaching for my shoulder, stroking my neck so soft and full of tenderness going down my wet body again. And I… I was scared of opening my eyes again and realizing it has been just a dream of mine.
But then I hear her voice and then I know it is reality.
"See, its working. You are not freezing like before." Arizona blurts out loud and when I'm opening my eyes again I can hardly breathe anymore, because of her beauty, standing there, the moon light grazing her white skin.
Minutes passes in which we are both not saying anything. We are just looking into each others eyes, waiting what the other will do, and then she finally manages to ask: "What are you thinking about?"
I know I'd explode without loving the girl in front of me.
But I'd also explode by giving myself away and risking getting badly hurt, more than I'm now and instead of "I want to kiss you." I say: "I thought about diving your head under water…"
"What?" She can only say before I'm exactly diving her head under water and waiting before she's in front of me again, spiting water, breathing heavily and just a brief moment I think she could be mad at me, but there's her smile again, before she's whispering.
"You know what's coming now, Calliope? Payback is a bitch, isn't it?"
The next thing I know is that salty water is entering my mouth.
Her laugh is filling the air and tears are floating down her cheeks. She laughs hard, as much as I do, and we are both not able to stop. We are both not able to not touch each other in any way. Her hand still lies on top of mine while she is laughing and smiling my way.
"Oh god! That's a damn funny story!" She blurts out and we are still laughing, until it finally comes to an end and we are sitting there in silence.
I don't know how long we stayed there, but it felt like an eternity to me and the more time I spent with her, the more I am falling deeply and madly in love.
But it's just one night… one single night I have with her. One night I'm never going to forget though.
And then… one single sentence changes everything.
"You are something special, you know?" She says giggling. "Honestly if I wouldn't have a boyfriend and if I wouldn't be straight… I could fall in love with you, Calliope…"
And then… one single tear, which she is never going to see, is rolling down my cheek. Reflecting the shine of the moonlight.
"I could fall in love with you, too…"
1 hour it took for me to bring her home.
1 hour it took me to find the strength to call Anna and tell her that I needed her more now than ever before. And when I finally heard her voice I was on the verge of tears.
"Hello?" I heard her crocked sounding voice.
"Anna… it's me… Callie… Do you… Do you have time for me?"
"I was just reading Eragon. What's up, Callie?" I couldn't answer, all I needed was seeing her, telling her everything what was pressuring me the last days, the last weeks, the last months. Finally I need to tell her everything about me.
"I… Can I come over, please?"
A worried "Yes… of course" escaped her lips and there I am, walking to her house, where I've been a lot the last few weeks and where I'm climbing up the tree to reach her window, again. And Anna already waits for me, opening the window as soon as possible.
"You know you could use the door like everyone else." She replies smiling. A smile I needed to see again. The smile of a true friend.
"I know… but that's just who I am. Not normal, completely crazy, dark and twisty. And I love to climb up that tree and get into your room through the door. That's more exciting! Sneaky!" I reply laughing.
And when I'm in her room, sitting on the bed with her I start to realize, you always should be honest with your friends, because they are the most important gift in your life.
Because no matter what is happening they are going to accept you for who you are. It's another kind of love, but it's as important as true love…
"I need to tell you something, Anna."
I start simply, and the whole night is filled with my voice and her embrace, showing me what friendship really means:
Love, Forgiveness, Understanding and Acceptance.
And when I'm walking home at 1 am in the middle of the night, knowing my dad would scream at me for being that late I couldn't care less, because I'm in love…
I'm in love.
Author: xredSunburstx
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: N14+ for later Chapters
Summary: Arizona and Callie met the first time in High School and both of them know there's a connection, a special feeling they want to give in. But it's harder than they thought and years are passing until they are able to see each other and be together again.
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me, only the idea and words of this fanfiction. They belong to my thoughts and my heart.
Chapter 4 - I gotta feeling
(Calliope's pov)
I was an easy one, an easy one on love…
I could fall in love so quickly, hurt myself badly.
I came always back with broken wings. Hardly, but I made it.
Yeah, I was an easy one to fall, an easy one to make wrong decisions my whole life, because, I guess, I felt lonely most of the time and I searched for love in every face I saw. And I always was a good lover; I was a strong lover. Oh and I was good in digging my own grave.
I absolutely know how it feels to fall in love. Hey, I had a serious crush on Drew Barrymore when I was 12 years old, so I absolutely know how it is.
But… now it's different… I fall so quickly and hard and abruptly for someone I shouldn't fall for. I promised myself to take it slow, to not fall apart and over board, crying out for love.
But when I first kissed her softly, without her knowing it at all, I lost myself in her mouth, in her lips, in her closed eyes.
And even I told myself not to, I was falling… hard.
When I was walking home, with my lips still tingling, I knew that I was losing my heart, giving it away to a girl who didn't even knew why my lips were feeling crazy like that just because of her. Because of a kiss she wasn't even capable of.
I touched my lips with my finger, slowly and softly, and when I licked over them I still tasted her vanilla chap stick. I still knew how she felt; I just wished she would remember it too…
I walked almost an hour before I got home, an hour too late and I know I should have called them to tell them where I am, but I just couldn't. All I needed to do was walking home to get a clear head. All I needed was a little bit time for myself. But it didn't really help… all it helped was realizing how… beautiful she is…
And all it helped was getting into serious trouble.
Even I walked in, greeting my parents quickly before walking up the stairs, it wasn't enough for them. Not enough for my dad.
"Young lady, stop in your tracks - NOW!" That's when I spun around, annoyed, knowing it wouldn't be the last thing I was going to hear.
"Where have you been?"
"At Arizona's, dad. I helped her with some schoolwork and I told you."
"I know that. But I WANT to know where you have been that long!" He screamed furiously like I knew him… loosing his temper sometimes.
"Dad… I stayed a little bit longer at her place and we watched a movie…"
"Don't lie to me, Calliope! Don't lie to your dad, mija! You've been with a boy like your other friends! You have a boyfriend!"
And there it was: his paranoid bone. Wrong accusations, accumulations filled with wrong ideas.
I'd love to tell him everything. I'd love to tell him that there's never going to be a boy I'm sneaking to.
"Dad, I have no boyfriend and I'm not meeting a boy secretly." I answered deflating like always.
"Of course you do! Everyone in your age has, so don't lie to me!"
And then I'm breaking, emotions floating out of my open wounds I tried to keep closed up for a long time. I have never been like they wanted me to be and even there have been a lot of signs they never wanted to see it. They never accepted the thought of their sweet girl never falling in love with a boy, not being as perfect as their son. Not being 'normal'.
But what is normal? What is right and what is wrong? No one can answer those questions. No one can tell me that I'm disgusting. No one can tell me what to do, what to follow, who to love. And even I know it's hard for them to understand I just wished they would.
"I'm not like everyone…" I whisper hardly audible while I'm not able to look him into the eyes.
"What?" he asks loudly, standing there like I always knew him: a tall walking man, filled with pride. But now it's me who should walk tall and so I look him directly in the eyes, speaking the same words again.
"I'm… not… like… EVERYONE!"
I say out loud, leaving him speechless for a few minutes. He is not used to me, being honest. He is not used to me speaking up. But it's still the only thing I have to say, the only thing I want him finally to realize and not to make a false accusation. It's a rare moment in which my head is burning and my whole body is trembling and just a few seconds later I'm my old self again, looking to the ground.
"I was at Arizona's the whole time. That's the truth. Believe it or not. I don't care."
I say, but what I mean is: I wish you would believe me. I wish you would realize and I do care.
I wait a few seconds. I wait for him to say sorry, but he is not the kind of man who is giving in and so I spin around, say "Goodnight." before I'm running into my room and throw myself onto my bed.
It's really not easy to grow up and it's absolutely not easy to fall in love.
And the night is filled with her smile.
And I'm sleepless, because of her.
Because of love.
Sometimes days are not going like you wished they would. They are strange and you feel like a dark cloud is hovering over your head, moving with you, never leaving your side.
On some days you are standing up and you realize it would be better to stay in bed and hide your face from anyone until another day is starting. But though you stand up, because you feel responsible. Because you have responsibilities and duties. So you do it. You stand up with your heart or your head aching, but you regret it as soon as you step out of your house into the jungle.
And the jungle I'm now walking in is high school.
Our high school jungle in which I walk, not tall anymore, today I'm bent. I still can't forget the conversation with my dad, I can't concentrate and I got myself in trouble during English class what never really happens and on the top of everything I see her, usually happy about it, but now unfortunately unhappy when she seems unfortunately happy.
Beautiful soft curls being touched by brown and strong hands, but not my hands. Instead he is standing there, laughing while she seems silent. Their friends are building a circle, talking, making jokes, looking like the upper nobility. And there's me, the normal citizen, for them, more like a dregs, watching her, aching for her lips to touch mine again. Just a brief moment like yesterday… But she isn't seeing me, she isn't…
"Hey Callie! Callie!" When I hear the voice of my best friend I find the strength to finally look away and walk into the opposite direction, looking into Anna's hopeful eyes. I know her just for a few weeks; just a few months ago I met her when she attended school and she sat beside me weaving and smiling my way. The first time I saw her I knew we were meant to be best friends, and here she, knowing more about me than anyone else, but still not knowing my deepest secret.
"Hey Anna." I reply sending her a soft smile, and I don't need to say something else to make her start rambling about simply everything. It's something that makes me smile, something I started to love, and something that just got worse when she is drunk. It's kind of adorable.
"God! You won't believe me what happened yesterday! First of all I tried to reach you to let you know what was going on, but couldn't reach you and so I'm able to tell you know, but not earlier, you know? You are the first I'm going to tell it!"
"Hey, Ann. Slow down! Take a breath and then - tell me." I say laughing out loud. Yeah, that's how I know her.
"Okay - well… you know Jake, don't you? Yes, of course you do! Well, I was talking about him the last few weeks, of course you know him! Well, okay… yesterday evening we were out together! We got to this nice dancing club, the new one, you know? Well… then after we danced for what felt like hours he asked me if he should bring me home or if I've got some time left. I told him I have school tomorrow, what is today to be exactly, but I said 'Jake, I've got as long as you want to hang out with me' and he was like one of those handsome guys in the movies and said in a low voice 'Forever. That's how long I want to hang out with you'… okay… to be honest he said:' I have an hour left', but I knew what he wanted to say! And then we drove to lover's lake and you know what you are doing at lover's lake, don't ya?"
"Yeah I know clearly, Ann." I reply smiling right before she continues.
"And you know what we did? We kissed, Callie! He actually kissed me!" Now there's the point where she's grabbing my hands and we are usually jumping around like teenagers… Well, we are still teenagers, but with my heart aching and bleeding like that I feel like an old soul. Man… my heart is singing THE hopeless love blues. I'm an old and broken soul! But I try to find my strength to show her how happy I truly am; even it's difficult to be right now.
"That's cool! I'm happy for you!" I say, taking the expression on her face in, wishing I could be the one, smiling and being high because of love. And then she's asking, taking the knife and pulling it in further more.
"How was your day? Where have you been the whole day?" She asks, friendly, but I don't want to answer her. Usually I would. But I can't find the strength to answer her now.
"Nothing important was going on… I've been here and there…"
Talking 'bout best friends… they always know when you are lying.
"Callie? What's wrong with you?" She asks and even I know she really cares I'm not ready to reply. So I simply answer: "Everything's alright!"
"Hey! Don't lie to me I know you good enough to say it's not perfectly alright! You know you can talk to me, right? So please, just…"
"God Anna! Just leave it, okay? I'm okay! Don't ask me all the time what's wrong! I'm fine!" I hiss more aggressive than I wanted it to sound, but like I said: You should better stay in bed when you have a bad feeling. I shouldn't have gone to school today and I shouldn't have been so miserable and letting her pay for something I felt, for something I did wrong. But there she is, saying: "Okay, I'm sorry for asking how my best friend is. Call me first when you are normal again." And then she's gone and I'm on my own, hating myself for taking it out on her when she is the only one I need right now to talk to…
"I'm sorry, I just… you know… I'm going to call you…"
She tries to smile for me.
"I know…" She replies, still smiling and nodding understandingly.
A really remarkable person once told me that Friendship and Love is Forgiveness and Understanding. And with that she has been right all the time.
Everybody needs a place to go when everything is too much. We search desperately for a place where our head isn't spinning anymore and you are able to think clearly again.
You need to compose your thoughts and try to find a way back into your life. That's what I'm doing every time I'm sitting under green leaves, flying like beautiful birds because of the soft summer wind, swinging bidirectional and whenever I'm watching trough the leaves, the sun reflecting in my eyes it's the only time I feel calm full and able to think about everything what's going on. I've finally got some spare time in a place where it's hard to be who you are all the time, in which I'm still seeing her face in front of my eyes. How it's possible to be captured by someone you just know a few days?
I never believed someone could turn my world upside down like Arizona. But she truly was all I could see, and all I could think about. Now I just wished she would recognize me.
"Calliope!" Immediately I look down, searching for the person who called me by my name.
"Arizona?" I ask, more than I say, because I'm surprised what she is doing here.
"You mind if I sit down?" She asks while she is sending me her wide smile.
"Of course not!"
"Thanks…" And with that she sits down by my side, her legs just a centimetre away from me and all I can think about is…
"Everything's alright?" She's frowning, her eyes never leaving mine and I wonder if she saw how I checked her out. Oh gosh is this embarrassing…
"Kind of…" I answer simply, hoping she wouldn't ask what's wrong with me, but I also hope she would ask. I wish she would care.
"Kind of?" She smiles softly like she understands everything, like I can talk to her, no matter what's going on in my life and honestly I never felt that good. And because of that I want to answer her, as honestly as I can, but as soon as I'm opening my mouth we are interrupted before we could even start a real conversation.
"Arizona?" We are both looking up at the same time and both of us don't seem to be too happy about the person who called out for her. Brittany, queen of the cheerleaders.
"Brittany." She replies, trying to smile friendly, but I am looking underneath and what I see is discomfort. Because of me or because of her?
"What are you doing here?"
"I'm talking to Calliope."
"I see… shouldn't you be hanging out with Steve?" She says fitted, like her nose, but I know what she wants to ask: What are you doing with her? Shouldn't you be with the other, the cool girls?
But Arizona isn't doing a move, instead she says:" I'm exactly where I want and should be."
And even I know I shouldn't feel the butterflies dancing around, celebrating her company, I shouldn't lay it up like I do. She isn't feeling the same… She is just… friendly…
"Okkayy…" Suspiciously she looks around, before she's leaving again.
And then we are left, but not very long, because someone else is calling out for her and I feel like I'm now enjoying a very seldom privilege for losers like me. But then she says something I never expected.
"I have to go now, but… Calliope… what I wanted to say is… I really enjoyed the last time we spent together. Thanks a lot for helping me. If you want we could spent the evening today? I'm free and I'd love to hang around in the city. You like to spend some time with me?"
And that's when my heart is pounding heavily in my chest.
Oh yeah, I really gotta feeling that tonight's gonna be a good night.
Chapter 5 - Just one night
How do you imagine a perfect American first date?
A 'meeting', with a girl, you don't even know how to label?
Is it a date or just a friendship thing? I wish I'd know. But it's still the same for me. I can spend one whole evening with her and no one is interrupting us, no one is spying and wondering why a beautiful girl like her is spending time with me.
I couldn't be more nervous. I couldn't be more pleased and so I just call out for my parents, I weave and tell them I'm going to be home as soon as possible.
And when the fresh summer wind is gracing my skin I'm closing my eyes just for a moment while I'm walking down the street and I think about how much the last days changed my life.
Maybe it means nothing to her, but to me it means everything.
Love isn't nothing. Love is everything and even it hurts a little bit right now, because she isn't mine and maybe she is never going to be at all, all I can think of is how she lightened my life, without knowing it at all.
I'm walking to her house for over 20 minutes and when I'm standing there in front of her front door my whole body is trembling slightly with anticipation and I nee to compose myself before I'm touching the door bell, listening to the soft sound it creates inside the house, how it creates noises and starts whispers. And when the door finally opens I see a vision of myself in her eyes, so clearly and honestly.
Is it anticipation or is it affection? Or is it just what I want to see?
"Hey…" She breathes out in a whisper.
"Hay…" I reply, smiling slightly, melting underneath.
This kind of affection is almost killing me. How beautiful she looks in a simple shirt and short black jeans, caressing her slender body perfectly. She stands there, hopefully, like she waited just for me. Like she waited all her life for me to finally appear and take her out, take her into another world. And finally I'm there, grinning like a fool, waiting for her to close the door behind her. Close the door to her old life and instead coming with me.
And even I know it's going to be just one single night.
Even I know she's my Cinderella for this single night.
And even I know this will be the only night I have with her, before she's turning away from me, and heading back into his direction, into her old life again, I'm never going to forget how she's smiling my way right now.
"Ready to go?" I ask and she's nodding shyly before she's closing the door behind her, before she is mine, just for this night.
Full moon is exactly 3 days in a month and it has so many meanings:
In science full moon is just a lunar phase that occurs when the moon is on the opposite side of the earth. A lot of people are not able to sleep when it's full moon, staying sleepless for 3 nights. The Teutons started their gatherings during the full moon period and a lot of magical rituals had to be done around those three days. Parents also like to tell stories about witches and werewolves who are active around the full moon period.
But for me it always had something magical and I ask myself if it's fate, if it's fate that full moon is tonight too, on this special night. Looking up into the beautiful darkening sky you can't overlook it.
And for me, the full moon is just a sign of attraction, tonight.
It's a sign for not shown feeling. It's a sign for my growing love.
"Calliope! Look! It's full moon tonight!" Arizona says with such a wave of enthusiasm I believe she has never seen something simple like that in her entire life. But that is something I like about her, something that makes her special, different from all the others.
When I look at her intentionally it is the sparkle in her eyes I miss in everyone else's eyes. And when I look at her I feel love rushing through every vein of my body and I believe it'd never be the same, with no one.
"Isn't it incredible? Every time I look up I'm… speechless… how wonderful the world is, you know?"
I nod smiling. Of course I know. Of course I know how beautiful the world, how beautiful someone can be.
"You will be able to see it the whole night."I replie, still smiling.
"Why?" She giggles lovingly. "You still haven't told me what we were going to do? What have you planned Calliope Torres?" She asks while an alluring smile is gracing her pink lips.
"It's going to be my secret. You will see when we are there!" I answer and make her giggle even more, but just 10 minutes later I say: "We are there!" and she laughs even more. "A typical American date, huh?"
I look up when those words leaves her mouth, knowing she doesn't mean it the way I want her to mean it. But still it's said, filling my heart with passion and affection for the blond haired girl.
"Come on, Arizona. The movie is starting soon." I say to deflect her and her eyes are glancing, and I'm noticing more than pleasant anticipation for the movie in her eyes, but I can't tell what it is. I guess I'm just pleased she is smiling my way.
And yes, today full moon is different.
For me it will be a sign for something you can't have even you'd die for it.
I'd die for her.
I'm not really interested in the movie, what is really unlikely for me, but though I'm really good in pretending. And what else should I do than looking at the big screen in front of me?
All I can do is waiting what is happening next.
All I can think about is the slight touch of our hands or our shoulders and arms.
When our fingers suddenly touch while we are grabbing for popcorn I can't resist looking into her eyes and the movie is long forgotten.
All I want to say is:" I'm crazy for you…"
All I am saying instead is:" Is the chair comfortable?"
She isn't replying and I have the feeling I said something wrong, but then she looks away to rest her head on my shoulder and whispers smiling:" Now it's comfortable."
„What are we doing now? Where are you taking me, Calliope?" She asks, the giant and typical Arizona smile always grazing her face, the whole evening.
"Haven't you ever heard of surprises?"
"I hate surprises!" Her mouth says while her eyes clearly say something different.
"You love surprises! You and I know and the whole world knows! A person like you couldn't hate surprises!"
"A person like me?" She asks and I'm nearly answering: "A kind, caring and beautiful person like you. Someone who is as adorable and awesome like you can't hate surprises." But it was too late when she saw where I was taking her. Her mouth hangs open and she starts to laugh.
"You are a romantic, Calliope!" She blurts out while she was taking off her shoes and taking my hand into hers. "You know, when I was younger I spent here a lot time, but then my friends came and Steve, they didn't need the beach and ocean because they had swimming pools and oh god - how I've missed this! It's beautiful, Calliope, Isn't it?" She rambles, adorable like always and I answer while I'm looking in her direction: "Yeah it is…"
"You know what I missed about here?" She asked me while we both were sitting in front of the ocean, watching the waves jumping up and down and then staying calm and peaceful within seconds. "I missed the sound of the ocean - closing your eyes, you are finally drifting away. It's an amazing feeling."
"But why did you never come back after you got a part of them if you love it so much?"
Then suddenly her soft smile changed into something unreadable, mystic.
"Things changes… time changes everything…" She says with a tone in her voice I can't ignore. I want to ask her what's going on, how she truly feels. I want to know everything but most of all I want her to be happy, but she doesn't seem to be happy at all.
"And you? Were you coming here often?"
"All the time… it's my favourite place and because of that I wanted to show it to you, even I already guessed you saw this place before. I just wanted to make new memories you." I say honestly. Honestly for the first time, but at the same time I regret what I said just a few seconds ago and so I start to talk, talk and talk without an ending.
"I'm sorry, that has to sound really corny. Usually I'm not like that, it's just that I… you know. I'm really sorry about that, I hoped I didn't…" Her finger on my lips is the only thing that stops me from talking and all I can look is at her slightly smiling lips.
"It's absolutely okay, super okay, Calliope. I know what you mean."
And then we sit in silence, just for a few minutes. Minutes which feel like horrible hours.
But then she finally says something that starts something new, something exiting.
"Calliope?"
"Yeah?"
"You know what I would like to do?"
My heart starts to beat faster and while I'm looking at her lips I can't think about something else than finally being able to touch her lips again. My heart radiates…
"I want to swim…"
… and slows down again.
"What? What do you want to do?"
"Come on, Calliope! It's beautiful!" She already stands up, just waiting for me.
"But… but we've nothing here for swimming…?" I ask confused, but she doesn't really seem to care.
"No problem and now come on or I'm going in there on my own!" She is calling as she lifts the simple black top over her head and jumps out of her black jeans, letting both of it falling to the sand, waiting almost naked in front of me in her black underwear.
I shouldn't, but I gaze.
I couldn't. But I look away. God… she is so beautiful…
"I will go in there now. Are you coming?" She says, waiting for me to take her hand and stand up. And finally I was managing to stand up; holding her hand firmly in mine and all I want to do is touching her hand firmly. She is just so beautiful…
Her skin so creamy, her blond curls caressing her chin and her lips so full and pink, and her figure so slender and perfect.
But all I am doing is getting the purple shirt over my head and my blue trousers out, following her into the water. Following Arizona, who smiled like a child on Christmas.
But instead of Arizona, who was standing with the water right over her breasts I couldn't take another step and I was freezing with the water only reaching my knees.
"Hey, Calliope? What's wrong?"
"I… I can't…"
"Why?" I could say: I can't really swim… but instead I answered:" It's freaking cold…"
First she laughs heartily, until she is smiling again, insightfully, giving me the feeling I'm not acting as childish as I think I do.
"Don't worry. Just come nearer to me Calliope. You get used to it." But with her coming near me it don't really help to stop shaking.
"You have to get restful, wind down, Calliope. Come on… close your eyes…"
I don't want to look away. I want to… I want to look at her forever… I want to look at her as long as I can, before this evening stop, but I am doing it though, waiting what would come next. And there it is: her hands on my hips
"You need to calm down. Don't think about how cold the water is, think about something else. Think about how different it is to be touched under water. It's an amazing feeling, isn't it?" Arizona asks while skimming over my abdomen and saying I'm shivering would be a real understandment. But I only nod with my head, scared I'd gasp pleasured with opening my mouth when I feel her hands crawling softly over my belly, almost placing her hand over my breast, then reaching for my shoulder, stroking my neck so soft and full of tenderness going down my wet body again. And I… I was scared of opening my eyes again and realizing it has been just a dream of mine.
But then I hear her voice and then I know it is reality.
"See, its working. You are not freezing like before." Arizona blurts out loud and when I'm opening my eyes again I can hardly breathe anymore, because of her beauty, standing there, the moon light grazing her white skin.
Minutes passes in which we are both not saying anything. We are just looking into each others eyes, waiting what the other will do, and then she finally manages to ask: "What are you thinking about?"
I know I'd explode without loving the girl in front of me.
But I'd also explode by giving myself away and risking getting badly hurt, more than I'm now and instead of "I want to kiss you." I say: "I thought about diving your head under water…"
"What?" She can only say before I'm exactly diving her head under water and waiting before she's in front of me again, spiting water, breathing heavily and just a brief moment I think she could be mad at me, but there's her smile again, before she's whispering.
"You know what's coming now, Calliope? Payback is a bitch, isn't it?"
The next thing I know is that salty water is entering my mouth.
Her laugh is filling the air and tears are floating down her cheeks. She laughs hard, as much as I do, and we are both not able to stop. We are both not able to not touch each other in any way. Her hand still lies on top of mine while she is laughing and smiling my way.
"Oh god! That's a damn funny story!" She blurts out and we are still laughing, until it finally comes to an end and we are sitting there in silence.
I don't know how long we stayed there, but it felt like an eternity to me and the more time I spent with her, the more I am falling deeply and madly in love.
But it's just one night… one single night I have with her. One night I'm never going to forget though.
And then… one single sentence changes everything.
"You are something special, you know?" She says giggling. "Honestly if I wouldn't have a boyfriend and if I wouldn't be straight… I could fall in love with you, Calliope…"
And then… one single tear, which she is never going to see, is rolling down my cheek. Reflecting the shine of the moonlight.
"I could fall in love with you, too…"
1 hour it took for me to bring her home.
1 hour it took me to find the strength to call Anna and tell her that I needed her more now than ever before. And when I finally heard her voice I was on the verge of tears.
"Hello?" I heard her crocked sounding voice.
"Anna… it's me… Callie… Do you… Do you have time for me?"
"I was just reading Eragon. What's up, Callie?" I couldn't answer, all I needed was seeing her, telling her everything what was pressuring me the last days, the last weeks, the last months. Finally I need to tell her everything about me.
"I… Can I come over, please?"
A worried "Yes… of course" escaped her lips and there I am, walking to her house, where I've been a lot the last few weeks and where I'm climbing up the tree to reach her window, again. And Anna already waits for me, opening the window as soon as possible.
"You know you could use the door like everyone else." She replies smiling. A smile I needed to see again. The smile of a true friend.
"I know… but that's just who I am. Not normal, completely crazy, dark and twisty. And I love to climb up that tree and get into your room through the door. That's more exciting! Sneaky!" I reply laughing.
And when I'm in her room, sitting on the bed with her I start to realize, you always should be honest with your friends, because they are the most important gift in your life.
Because no matter what is happening they are going to accept you for who you are. It's another kind of love, but it's as important as true love…
"I need to tell you something, Anna."
I start simply, and the whole night is filled with my voice and her embrace, showing me what friendship really means:
Love, Forgiveness, Understanding and Acceptance.
And when I'm walking home at 1 am in the middle of the night, knowing my dad would scream at me for being that late I couldn't care less, because I'm in love…
I'm in love.