Fic: Please try not to love me (2/?)
Title: Please try not to love me
Summary: Sometimes people wear a mask; they always do. Sometimes a few of them are pretending; and they need someone who is willed to look behind. Callie & Arizona
Disclaimer: All television shows and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings ext. are the properties of their respective owners. This work is non-profit and simply written for fun. Reference to persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be factual.
Rating: T
Warning: Includes topics like self - harming
Chapter 2
Sometimes I can't help. Sometimes the feeling lasts for days and even I tried to fight it in the first place it knuckles me down at the end and I am where I was a few years ago. This feeling isn't leaving my head and my soul, no matter what I'm trying, even I tell myself there were a lot of good reasons why thing works out like they work out. It's destiny. I tell myself I'm not the guilty one and I tell myself there is more than one person involved to destroy something.
But I guess it's just who I am. How I am. How I work.
My life has always been like one of those Greek dramas intermingling with a really dramatic movie and I ask myself how it could come to this. I ask myself if it was planned that I was going through all the shit, just to become stronger in the end. Maybe my environment and all the people made me to the person I am now. Or maybe it was me. Just me and my genes.
I ask myself if it was because of my mom who was diagnosed with depression. She was always very thoughtful and often depressed, but she was also good in pretending. She was all in all a great mom. But when my brother died she revealed her truth face.
That was when both of us revealed our real face.
He was the one I trusted. He was the one I grow up with and I believed him when I couldn't believe anyone else, I told him everything about me and my issues. When he was gone, I was gone, too.
The pain was placed in my heart and in my soul, locked behind a door no one, not even I, could open, and since my brother was gone it stayed locked and therefore that I wouldn't explode I keep on hurting myself to ease the pain. A stupid reason, because the wounds and the knowledge about what I've done made it even worse.
I couldn't talk to the once I loved anymore what made me a very lonely person. The only thing I did to replace the pain with a different feeling was sleeping and messing around.
Someone told me I couldn't live like that, but I did. I didn't live a good life. I lived no life, but I survived.
I knew how to make me forget my problems just a moment, but it was hard. Even I was walking around, hanging out in one pub after the other, meeting girls, flirting, making out; I always knew it would be over after a few hours. The pain is still there and it won't leave me. Usually I think about this strange feeling always and I'm never able to shot my head off, but now it's different.
When I follow her to the bathroom, seeing her invincible company, my head focuses just on her. Everything else isn't important anymore, and when I enter the room, she is the only thing I'm thinking about. When I'm entering the room she is all I see.
"Hey." I simply say, looking straight at her and I see how she's drying her eyes furiously as she sees me in the mirror.
"Hey." She replies not looking at me, thinking I'm just polite. But what am I? What do I really want?
"Ortho. Right?"
"Yeah. Right. Hi." She's still not looking at me.
"I'm Arizona Robbins. Pad surgery. I've seen you at the hospital…" Oh yes, and how I've seen her at the hospital.
"…Are you okay?" An honest question, full of true feelings. I've been very sensitive with this kind of question. Maybe I have a complex with helping other people, because once I wished there would be someone to save me.
"Yeah, you know I'm fine…" Man… she's a bad liar.
"Really?" I ask with my brow raising. She can't lie to me and I'm not her to be lied at. I'm here because she somehow captured my mind and I'm somehow attracted to her and I want her to forget, whatever she's crying about.
"You know… you look upset… you really do… and… I thought…Maybe you need something to deflect you…"
"What do you mean?"
It's a really good question, because I really don't know what I mean. I just know that she's beautiful. All I know that my eyes are locked with hers and all I'm looking at are her chocolate caramel brown eyes, and before I can stop myself I'm raising my hand to stroke her cheek firmly and I found myself standing right in front of her. She's looking at me in a strange but waiting way, right before I kiss her.
It's a simple kiss and it doesn't last long, but its full understanding, wanting to help and it's full of attraction and tenderness.
When I pull back all I do is smiling, because her lips felt so soft, like none before and it's crazy. It's crazy how I'm feeling, when I want to touch her again.
"I think you know…" I say smiling and I'm about to leave, because I don't know what I would do when I would stay. Tonight I don't want to have sex with a stranger, tonight I want more and I don't think I'll get it here, when she is as broken as me. I'm heading to the door as I feel some pair of strong hands around my wrists spinning me around and before I'm able to react I'm pressed against the wall.
Her lips are capturing mine in a searing and hot kiss. My knees go weak and it's hard for me to stay and that's what she realizes. Therefore she uses her strong arms to pull me up, pressing me harder against the wall. My fingers are hiding in her hair, pulling her nearer, because in my opinion, she can't be close enough.
I know we are in a dirty bathroom and it's far away from the hottest places at all, but when her hands are roaming over my body, squeezing my breasts through the fabric of my shirt so willed and forced I want more.
I really want her.
Finally we are pulling apart, because air gets a problem for both of us and the heat atmosphere isn't really helping.
She positions her forehead against mine and she is heavily breathing like I do, and all I can think is how I never felt this way about someone before. Never has been able to kiss me like that and I thought that the last girl in the bar was pretty damn good. She was really hot.
But that woman is super… super hot.
"Wow…" She's sighing and I really know how she is feeling. I guess we really have something in common.
"That's what I wanted to say, too." I reply and we both are starting to laugh.
"Well…" She looks at me, without knowing what to say, but I guess she wants the same as I do and so I answer instead.
"To your place or to mine?"
She smiles at me mischievously before she answers.
"Mine is nearer…" She kisses me a last time before she pulls away, taking my hand in hers and I don't mind.
The next morning I wake up, but not in a usual way. My body feels warm and I feel comfortable; I feel good as I yawn and open my eyes a little bit too early.
It was the first night for a long time I was finally able to sleep and somehow I managed to sleep with my arms around her torso and my head right beneath hers so I could hear the steady rhythm of her breath.
It was something I heard the whole night. It was something that kept me staying in this world and not running into a world full of guilt and sorrow.
And when I look up, supporting my head with my hand and my arm I watch her sleeping. She has beautiful features and her lips are still swollen from our love making like mine.
We had a long line of love, amazing love, making behind us, but I knew it wasn't ready when I felt the woman named Calliope, sliding down my body to my centre that ached for her touch, but she teases me with licking my tight, gently nibbling my skin. And even it wasn't something I liked before I moaned at the contact of her lips and my skin. Somehow it was magical, whatever she did.
And then it happened. Something strange that never happened before. When she was licking my lips softly and grazing her teeth against them my breath hitched and I noticed her looking up to see the sensation and desire burning in my eyes, and for the first time I tried hard to keep my eyes open and I watched her like she watched me.
It turned me on to see her like this very much. But it wasn't the only reason I keep starring at her. It was the connection she built up to me. Something strong and unbelievable, but there it was just with one look.
She uses her fingers and she opens up my folds to run her tongue over my waiting clit and she circled slowly before she took it into her mouth with a soft suck, holding onto me with her hands on my belly.
I closed my eyes for a moment and I sighed furiously, but as I opened my eyes there it was again. This look that made me hold my breathe.
My moans filled the room and I was surprised by my reaction to her touch. I wasn't vey loud, because I was never really satisfied. It was good, but it was far away from awesome.
But with her… it is amazing and I needed more. Therefore I pulled my hands into her raven hair as the first orgasms rushed through my veins. It was a feeling I never had. It has never been that powerful and it hits me like a tidal wave so hard and suddenly and I almost passed out, because with her, I forget to breathe. I forget anything.
Suddenly she enters me deeply without a warning and she sucks hard on my clit. Calliope finds a steady rhythm and her fingers are inside of me curled. I can feel her all over me and finally I close my eyes and cry out in pleasure. She's moaning too while she's tasting me and only seconds another wave is crushing me hard and powerful. I come a thousand times in her mouth this night and even I know sex isn't really about feeling save and complete, because a long time it was about fulfilling a desire, to stop me starving, it really was like eating and drinking. Something I just had to do, something I did to forget.
But when she is touching me firmly, crawling up my body to lie upon me.
When she is removing some wet strings of my curls from me face and tuck them behind me earlobes to be able to kiss me freely.
And when she's still stroking the spot behind my ears and my stomach is feeling crazy.
It feels good, pure and honest.
It feels amazing.
And I feel save.
Memories coming back to me, making me smile widely. It was more than amazing. It was perfect. And I wished there would be a chance for us to be more like a one-shot. But I have rules. I have strict orders I pulled up a year ago when my life was a collapsed house of cards. I promised myself to build a wall, higher than the German wall in 1961, and I promised myself there wouldn't be someone tearing this wall down. Because I didn't want to be as vulnerable as I was before.
But even I built those walls within weeks I'm still vulnerable by my own mind… Maybe there should be a second time. Maybe there would be a chance for me sleeping at night and feeling safe without her falling in love with me.
I don't want anybody falling in love with me, because it's better for me to be alone. No ones want a physical wreck as a girlfriend… No one want me, no one would stay with me… It's something I realized a long time ago, over and over again.
Suddenly I hear her sighing and I come back to reality where she is already awake, starring at me, smiling widely as I do.
"Good Morning…" She simply says, kissing me again and with only a kiss she takes my breath away. Again.
"Good Morning, beautiful…" I reply, smiling.
Anyhow she makes me smiling all the time, but it's not faked. It's honest. It's how I'm feeling.
"How was your night?" With this question she makes us both laugh furiously.
"Oh…. Mine was just… amazing…" I tell her and I touch her arm firmly. I can see a part of her bare chest and I want her. I want her so badly, when I think of what's waiting for me when I come home. When I remember that this isn't lasting forever. We can't stay here all the time. I can't stand here and pretend that everything is fine when it's not. But I feel good with her. I feel good and I can't explain how she's doing this.
"Mine too… and…"
I'm scared of what's coming now. But I let her say whatever she wants to say. I don't interrupt her and tell her I have to go, because something important is waiting for me. I just let her talk, because I already broke one promise by staying her longer than I needed and so I could break another one. As long as this isn't going deeper than having some sort of fun with each other, as long as I'm not going to be vulnerable because of her.
"…I'd like to see you again. I'd like to repeat this…"
And with that I'm breaking my promise for the first time.
"I'd like to see you again, too… "
I reply, smiling, but there's something I need to say. There's something I need her to promise me.
"But there's something you need to promise me…"
"Whatever…"
"Please… try not to fall in love with me…" I'm saying, I'm whispering, I'm pleading.
She looks at me in a strange way before she nods slightly.
Love has become a thing I was scared of. Something that broke my back too often.