i'm more sub-dued...
well... i guess you could say i'm feeling better... i'm with family, and thats all that matters right now.... you could say that I'm borderline about my feelings... they keep changing so suddenly that it's hard to tell what the next feeling will be... I kind of think it's a curse to feel the way i do at such a young age... it's like, i know that i have a better understanding of a lot of things that many people still don't understand, but i guess that i've also had to deal with a lot more then some people... not like really tough stuff, but stuff that's helped shape the person I am today... my grandpa helped shape the person i am today... i owe him a lot... after all he raised me to love camping and fishing... he kinda taught me how to swim, at least dog paddle....lol.... he taught me how to act when in front of people, he spoiled me rotten most of the time, anything i wanted, he gave to me... he raised me to trust in guys... that not all of them are bad... he pretty much was my dad as much as he was my mom's and uncle's... it's hard to believe he really isn't here... i remember walking in this morning and thinking, "It's a good day.. it's christmas, and my grandpa is here to see one more christmas with his family..." i walked in and he looked like he had the past two days, tired, and sleeping. my mom walked over to him and started to nudge him, and he didn't open his eyes... then my aunt started to say, "Herman, we're here." and he didn't open his eyes... my aunt sent me and my cousin jeppe into his old bedroom... and i remember looking out the edge of the door... it felt like forever, and i heard my mom start to cry... and i asked my aunt if he was ok... and she said no, he wasn't. i just remember being mad... mad at grandma for being on the phone when we got there, i remember being upset at her, and when she hugged me, i didn't hug her back. he was gone before we got there... he was gone maybe before i got in the shower this morning to come and see him... i didn't even get to talk to him when my mom told him we would be over there in a little bit... she was the last person other then my grandma to talk to him before he went... i don't know if anything is making sense in this entry... but to be honest, i don't care... i'm just writing what comes to mind right now...