for jimmy

[xrayzerase]

i think about my words about not putting much time into getting my artwork "out there"
i think of how i am lucky right now to be able to think all about my work
i think about when i was in junior high how i slept through the few classes i attended
i think about how i hated school
i think about how i love to learn
i think about how it comes off as spoiled
i think about how this is false
i think about how i am grateful
i think about how i see there is no absolute
i think about how i've seen opens doors
i think about how many friends who cant say the same
i think about how a friend once had no home
i think about how he grew up around drugs
i think about how he grew up around booze
i think about how he grew up around anger
i think about how he had love for this world
i think about how he smiled when he found a stone
i think about how he was someone
who couldn't stop the drugs
who couldn't let go
who couldn't break away
who loved his family
who drowned in beer
who has been in jail
who wanted to die
who no longer had hope
yet who still could see the sun
who still could love a flower
who wouldn't stop the drugs
and when i finally
had to say goodbye
who i never saw again

and i think of how i am lucky
to have
but to have had pain
to see doors open
but also smash shut
to feel a hand
but be held down

i think of how i live in the best way i know how
i think of how i hate to see a closed door

i think of my friend
and cry out
but know
it is his life
and his destruction
and his change-
over to giving up
ithink about how i am sad
but that i can only
go
away