RISE
i clench
fingers
bones with skin
many bones
what would i do without you??
eyes
little peering cameras
never turning off
on on on on on on on on
please stop
just sometimes
no?
oh--its the dumb nerves
and other "mixed media" (?)
making up that thing
called the brain
it's you
brain
isn it not?
that causes all this mess
not my hands
eyes
oh---man.
why is not a clear night
of sparkles of a million stars
of vast infitinity
of dreamlands
i used to look out the window
daytime
dayroom
psych hospital
out
outside
always outside
the long sidewalk
i knew so well
pulling me much further
than i EVER
suspected it would
then and now
and the rest of my life
this pull
that became my lifeline
that day
those days
at that window
at that window
i wed my mind
welded my hands
weeded my eyes
and found clarity
and such a mess it is
one would suspect
clarity to be clear
yes
perhaps
if deciphered that way.
oh man
why?
where is peace?
and i yet am thrilled
to feel the fire
burn inside me once again
always again
again always
searing as if layered deeply
under and above
my softest love
for all things
oh god
where am i anymore?
i feel perched
on the tip of some fragile winter branch
which with freezing days
nights
it could snap at any time
and would i fly then?
will i know how?
to go out up high into the blackness
the cold fresh air of deep silent night
way out in space
fly there?
stars
and such vast holes of mystery
but it is ..
i
yes..
i want to fly
yes
i really do
and i want to know fire
as a source of brewing
brewing what?
"time"
brewing "time"
into a thing of many experiences
searches
into something
something
something
i see
touch
hold as real
i haunt myself as if i were in flight
long ago
of hollow air
footing the floor
without sound
and yet
yet now
that the floor is beneath my feet
i speak in jumbled thought
and
i see
and dont and do and feel
and hold my head low
as if
as if?
no
no one is hurting you
i know
i just am
sad
i cry
why?
because i
i..
i am afraid
of what?
..
..
'to--
to fly
yeah
just that.
TO FLY.
away.
....