if you dont want to listen to me rant... dont even bother.
sometimes i really feel like i have so much pent up anger in me that i may explode. it's usually just a day at a time and on those days i feel like there is this monster in me that wants to rip this city apart... starting with all the people who have done wrong to other people. then next, i start tearing apart my friendships and relationships in my head and yelling at everyone i know and they dont have a clue. of course it only gets better from there when im on the edge and near falling off into a panic attack. this is shortly followed by me being so exhausted by my efforts of hating everyone i know that i have to sleep. ah, sweet sweet sleep where i dont have all these problems. (most of which are self inflicted problems and arent problems at all... such as the anger itself).
today has been one of those days. hated hateful hating days. now i need to sleep. maybe take a bath and read for awhile to calm myself down. i need to calm down because today i started thinking maybe im so angry because im so broken. or perhaps empty would be the more accurate word to use here. wait, maybe im angry because i feel empty and i just never want to admit that to myself. we all need to feel like we have a purpose and that we're loved and that there is hope for a bright future. yes, a purpose... that's what im lacking lately. there are so many gaps in me where people ive loved have taken something from me. some of them have taken more than others. worst of all, i think some have slowly started to take away my unfaltering hope that everything will always turn out for the best. today i realized i wish i could take back nearly my entire teenage life up to this point. re-do it all.
now, sleep.
tomorrow, new life? ha.
today has been one of those days. hated hateful hating days. now i need to sleep. maybe take a bath and read for awhile to calm myself down. i need to calm down because today i started thinking maybe im so angry because im so broken. or perhaps empty would be the more accurate word to use here. wait, maybe im angry because i feel empty and i just never want to admit that to myself. we all need to feel like we have a purpose and that we're loved and that there is hope for a bright future. yes, a purpose... that's what im lacking lately. there are so many gaps in me where people ive loved have taken something from me. some of them have taken more than others. worst of all, i think some have slowly started to take away my unfaltering hope that everything will always turn out for the best. today i realized i wish i could take back nearly my entire teenage life up to this point. re-do it all.
now, sleep.
tomorrow, new life? ha.