(no subject)
So, today, I write about the college career of formal and structured Biblical Education that I will soon to complete.
I went into theology thinking that I could do something to change the world, and I have not.
I did not expect to have all mysteries explained or solved, but I did at least expect to understand some things. I have a better understanding of the divine and the way that theology works, and for that I am thankful and hopeful, but I still know next to knowhing.
I wanted to actually succeed in something and maybe have someone recognize the potential that I thought I had, but two things never happened in the course of my "acedemia" at school. The first is that no one recognized the talent I have. But I would be a liar among men if I did not acknowledge the fact that I have little or no talent in expressing the divine and that my explanations of God do not do any form of justice to the existence of God. I feel sick to my stomach knowing that I, for once, completely tried my hardest to succeed at something and did not succeed. This is the second half of the dicussion as to why no one recognized me as being something special... because I am not. I gave it my best (generally speaking) and I suppose that should count for something, but if nothing happens because of it then I suppose it does not matter. Whatever fairy tale or parable has the main character pretending to be something of great importance while really only making an ass of himself, seems to fit me better than any other story I could pretend to tell as my own. So, with that, in a few weeks I bid my academic career in theology goodbye. If I pass my classes, I will graduate with a Bacholor of Science (ironic) in Biblical Studies. That happens to be a polite way of saying that I was not competent or smart enough to finish a degree in Biblical Studies that had the requirements of mastering a dead language of either Koine Greek or Biblical Hebrew.
I want to pretend to realize that what I am saying has no specific bearing on the way that I try to follow in the way of Jesus, but it seems that on some level it does. My inability to learn how to publically speak means that what little knowledge I have obtained is hard to communicate to other people and if the message I have demands that I share it with those who are willing to hear it then it becomes a worthless thing if I cannot express it to other people.
So, I might graduate and I might not. Either way, I know that my position in being a part of the kingdom of God does not change. I know that it should be more important to me the way that it is, but it isn't. I hop eone day it is. For now, I'm going to pretend to do homework, listen to sad bastard music, eat more than what I should, and dream about things I'll never have.
I went into theology thinking that I could do something to change the world, and I have not.
I did not expect to have all mysteries explained or solved, but I did at least expect to understand some things. I have a better understanding of the divine and the way that theology works, and for that I am thankful and hopeful, but I still know next to knowhing.
I wanted to actually succeed in something and maybe have someone recognize the potential that I thought I had, but two things never happened in the course of my "acedemia" at school. The first is that no one recognized the talent I have. But I would be a liar among men if I did not acknowledge the fact that I have little or no talent in expressing the divine and that my explanations of God do not do any form of justice to the existence of God. I feel sick to my stomach knowing that I, for once, completely tried my hardest to succeed at something and did not succeed. This is the second half of the dicussion as to why no one recognized me as being something special... because I am not. I gave it my best (generally speaking) and I suppose that should count for something, but if nothing happens because of it then I suppose it does not matter. Whatever fairy tale or parable has the main character pretending to be something of great importance while really only making an ass of himself, seems to fit me better than any other story I could pretend to tell as my own. So, with that, in a few weeks I bid my academic career in theology goodbye. If I pass my classes, I will graduate with a Bacholor of Science (ironic) in Biblical Studies. That happens to be a polite way of saying that I was not competent or smart enough to finish a degree in Biblical Studies that had the requirements of mastering a dead language of either Koine Greek or Biblical Hebrew.
I want to pretend to realize that what I am saying has no specific bearing on the way that I try to follow in the way of Jesus, but it seems that on some level it does. My inability to learn how to publically speak means that what little knowledge I have obtained is hard to communicate to other people and if the message I have demands that I share it with those who are willing to hear it then it becomes a worthless thing if I cannot express it to other people.
So, I might graduate and I might not. Either way, I know that my position in being a part of the kingdom of God does not change. I know that it should be more important to me the way that it is, but it isn't. I hop eone day it is. For now, I'm going to pretend to do homework, listen to sad bastard music, eat more than what I should, and dream about things I'll never have.