Love vrs. Lonliness.
lotsa weird shits gone down, lately...
...where to start....
WELL,
Here's sumthin' that doesn't happen everyday:
I was chillin' about 5 yards away from a 2 week old,dead body in a tree,the other day. ....some of ya'll might be thinkin' "for real?! coool".. 'cuz thaz the 1st thing i thought when i found out,& was all upset that i had missed it. THEN i got to thinkin'; that dude had been in the tree for 2 weeks,by the time i came around. This is Florida people! I don't need to see anything thaz been dead,sittin out in the 90* heat for that long, nevermind all the rain. So yeah, I take that one back. He was all nasty & bloated anyway... & his fluids were all over the ground under him. yiiiikes.
There's actually a whole lot more to the story.... i jus can't tell u. Thaz how people end up in trees in the 1st place.
Moving onward....:
I've been doin' alotta... bad(?) things, i guess.
I'm not tryin' to hurt myself, or anyone else for that matter..
I think I'm jus' really stupid bout shit, when it comes 2 gettin' myself fuct up.
like, ima pothead. big fuckin' deal. any1 who knows me,knows that i could smoke any MAN under the table! but it aint about that. smokin' weeed in NO WAY makes me a bad person. ..nor am i gonna OD on it.
then there's the xanex, again lotsa fun ; don't do it as often as i smoke weed, which is pretty much every free second of my day.. however, i do love 'em. After Tom & I split, I was on atleast 2 bars(amongst other things) a day.. & if not that,coma or sumthin'. The way I looked at it, is it would help me to not think 'bout Tom..... like, "atleast i'm not cryin'" is wut i said to any1 who gave me shit 4 it.
I'm past all that tho; the need to get fuct up to not think of him.
...now i jus get fuct up,'cuz i' stupid like that & don't know when to stop.
onward to the coke:
sumthin' I've said countless times I wouln't do....
yeah well, i have. r u surpized?!
now this is sumthin' i don't want people to think i do a whole lot.
i only do it when it's free. thaz usually how every1 starts... but when u have a good buddy who's a coke dealer, givin' him a ride sumwhere promises me a free line.
the thing that I'm gettin' at, & buggin' myself out about,is this:
in my body,on wednesday night was
a stacker 3
followed by 2 xanex
then a fat line
then 2 more xanex
then off to the bar to drink about 3 drinks of rum
& the smokins of much,much trees.
uh huh, all in that order.
bunch of uppers & downers, i was playin' with.
it's called "speedballin'",kiddies.... & thaz how chris farley died.
made me all crazy emotional for a lil' bit. like, i was all talkin' 'bout the dead guy in the tree & was 1/2 ready to start cryin'. it's a really fuct up story,bout that guy tho.. & it was makin' me really angry...& sad,at that time.
Anyway, I realize how fuckin' stupid I am. like, i don't think i have a "problom",no. 'cuz I don't "neeeeed" anything... cept weed.. to be happy.
friends still lecture me tho. & not even jus the good 1's; it's even the 1's who are far worse off than i am, tellin' me that "no1 ever expects it to go that far"... like, no1 plans on bein' a cokehead. i dunno. i won't be consumed by that tho.
I jus' dabble w/ sum shit. to me,its part of growin' up. not every1 hasta do it; more power 2 u,if u don't... but i'm not an addict. i'm tryin' sum shit, havin' a good time, learnin' from it & movin' on.
once i (if ever...but i fuckin' better!!) get pregnant, i obviously will stop EVERYTHING bad that i might be doin'. won't smoke weed, won't smoke camles.... thaz when my life will totally turn around & i won't fuck w/ a GOD DAMN THING ever again.
i don't wanna feel ashamed of myself,like i do now.
in other news:
I need a new job. so, SO, so freakin' bad.
well, correction: I need more CASH so freakin bad.
& a new man.... yup.
or maybe i jus need a hobby, other than gettin' blazed.
I'm totally makin' myself feel like shit right now.
i'm all slow & tiiiired feelin'.... cuz i hung out w/ xanex again last night!!
yeah, ima loser. wait... no, i'm not.
I'm fuckin' amazingly beautiful. yeah. i like that 1.
I'm jus' in a gloomy mood.
I need sum1 to liven me up..sum1 to make me all smiles... sum1 to make me 4get all bout drugs....sum1 to hug... jus' sum1; a guy.. who's great.
......oh darn, now i'm all sad again.
There goes another lil' fuct up peice of my heart.
..didn't need it anyhow; didn't use it anyhow!
---------------------------------------------------------
when I'm down & i think i need sumthin
the tempation's so hard to resist
but what i grab, sure aint what i need
it's not love; it's lonliness.
...where to start....
WELL,
Here's sumthin' that doesn't happen everyday:
I was chillin' about 5 yards away from a 2 week old,dead body in a tree,the other day. ....some of ya'll might be thinkin' "for real?! coool".. 'cuz thaz the 1st thing i thought when i found out,& was all upset that i had missed it. THEN i got to thinkin'; that dude had been in the tree for 2 weeks,by the time i came around. This is Florida people! I don't need to see anything thaz been dead,sittin out in the 90* heat for that long, nevermind all the rain. So yeah, I take that one back. He was all nasty & bloated anyway... & his fluids were all over the ground under him. yiiiikes.
There's actually a whole lot more to the story.... i jus can't tell u. Thaz how people end up in trees in the 1st place.
Moving onward....:
I've been doin' alotta... bad(?) things, i guess.
I'm not tryin' to hurt myself, or anyone else for that matter..
I think I'm jus' really stupid bout shit, when it comes 2 gettin' myself fuct up.
like, ima pothead. big fuckin' deal. any1 who knows me,knows that i could smoke any MAN under the table! but it aint about that. smokin' weeed in NO WAY makes me a bad person. ..nor am i gonna OD on it.
then there's the xanex, again lotsa fun ; don't do it as often as i smoke weed, which is pretty much every free second of my day.. however, i do love 'em. After Tom & I split, I was on atleast 2 bars(amongst other things) a day.. & if not that,coma or sumthin'. The way I looked at it, is it would help me to not think 'bout Tom..... like, "atleast i'm not cryin'" is wut i said to any1 who gave me shit 4 it.
I'm past all that tho; the need to get fuct up to not think of him.
...now i jus get fuct up,'cuz i' stupid like that & don't know when to stop.
onward to the coke:
sumthin' I've said countless times I wouln't do....
yeah well, i have. r u surpized?!
now this is sumthin' i don't want people to think i do a whole lot.
i only do it when it's free. thaz usually how every1 starts... but when u have a good buddy who's a coke dealer, givin' him a ride sumwhere promises me a free line.
the thing that I'm gettin' at, & buggin' myself out about,is this:
in my body,on wednesday night was
a stacker 3
followed by 2 xanex
then a fat line
then 2 more xanex
then off to the bar to drink about 3 drinks of rum
& the smokins of much,much trees.
uh huh, all in that order.
bunch of uppers & downers, i was playin' with.
it's called "speedballin'",kiddies.... & thaz how chris farley died.
made me all crazy emotional for a lil' bit. like, i was all talkin' 'bout the dead guy in the tree & was 1/2 ready to start cryin'. it's a really fuct up story,bout that guy tho.. & it was makin' me really angry...& sad,at that time.
Anyway, I realize how fuckin' stupid I am. like, i don't think i have a "problom",no. 'cuz I don't "neeeeed" anything... cept weed.. to be happy.
friends still lecture me tho. & not even jus the good 1's; it's even the 1's who are far worse off than i am, tellin' me that "no1 ever expects it to go that far"... like, no1 plans on bein' a cokehead. i dunno. i won't be consumed by that tho.
I jus' dabble w/ sum shit. to me,its part of growin' up. not every1 hasta do it; more power 2 u,if u don't... but i'm not an addict. i'm tryin' sum shit, havin' a good time, learnin' from it & movin' on.
once i (if ever...but i fuckin' better!!) get pregnant, i obviously will stop EVERYTHING bad that i might be doin'. won't smoke weed, won't smoke camles.... thaz when my life will totally turn around & i won't fuck w/ a GOD DAMN THING ever again.
i don't wanna feel ashamed of myself,like i do now.
in other news:
I need a new job. so, SO, so freakin' bad.
well, correction: I need more CASH so freakin bad.
& a new man.... yup.
or maybe i jus need a hobby, other than gettin' blazed.
I'm totally makin' myself feel like shit right now.
i'm all slow & tiiiired feelin'.... cuz i hung out w/ xanex again last night!!
yeah, ima loser. wait... no, i'm not.
I'm fuckin' amazingly beautiful. yeah. i like that 1.
I'm jus' in a gloomy mood.
I need sum1 to liven me up..sum1 to make me all smiles... sum1 to make me 4get all bout drugs....sum1 to hug... jus' sum1; a guy.. who's great.
......oh darn, now i'm all sad again.
There goes another lil' fuct up peice of my heart.
..didn't need it anyhow; didn't use it anyhow!
---------------------------------------------------------
when I'm down & i think i need sumthin
the tempation's so hard to resist
but what i grab, sure aint what i need
it's not love; it's lonliness.