(no subject)
i love how i say im going to update this thing regularly and then weeks go by without me even thinking about it. funny how my dependancy on this thing used to be so strong, and now even though i want to depend on it, i forget to.
life is.. a mix of wonderful & super shitty.
chris and i are working things out, and i couldnt be happier that he is willing to make the effort to be with me. the fact is, he is not my dream guy. he is not 5'11 with gorgeous sculpted muscles and a beautiful tan. he doesnt write me songs or poetry or love letters, and he cant even spell properly. but none of that really matters, is what im slowly discovering. he picks me up from the bus stop in the freezing cold. he kisses me even when i have bad breath in the morning. he lingers when he hugs me. he rubs my back because he knows its my weakness. he puts his neurotic need to overly study for his quizzes to lay in bed with me because he knows how much i love it. he really is such an incredible guy, with so much potential. there is no doubt in my mind that if he challenges himself, he will without a doubt become an incredible surgeon one day. so things with him are good. thank goodness. it was so hard to have the one thing in my life that i considered so stable be so.. up in the air.
i bought a hamster. her name is haley, and shes a dwarf. i have no good pictures of her, but i promise one day i will get on that. shes gorgeous, black with a white chin & tummy. shes super comfortable with me, and she crawls all over when i play with her. shes an incredible distraction, and while she is definitely not a puppy, shes wonderful.
the paper is incredible. ive been working on a 2600 word story thats being published in this weeks paper, and its just so satisfying to know that ive dug into this issue all on my own and really found the core of the issue to write about. its all about rotten pilings underneath housing in the south end, really not that glamorous, but when i get a link ill post it. im crossing my fingers it makes front page.
ive been leading tours at NU, and its so much fun. i love leading prospective students around campus, its a really amazing reminder of how much i truly do love this school and its campus, even if i am struggling with other things. plus parents laugh at my stupid jokes, and thats always nice
alex is here for the week and its such a comfort. i really am sad that she has to spend a whole year away, and i see how hard it is for her to be here with us, reminded of what shes constantly missing out on. i guess its ironic that im choosing not to hang out with those people while she doesnt have a choice, and so i can understand why she doesnt understand where im coming from.
jen and i are not on speaking terms. the last thing i said to her was that if she wanted me to step out of her life because she saw me as such a bad friend or negative person, that i gladly would, but that i didnt ever realize she had such strong negative feelings towards me. its hard, to think that two years ago this girl was easily my best friend. i feel like i have had so many people in my life fall away so fast, even if those people are obnoxious and hurtful and immature, i cant help but turn inward when these things happen to me. am i really a horrible person? do i really have an attitude that im better than people? [thats what jen told me] its frustrating and hurtful, and i dont know what to think about it. and its hard, because shes the ring leader. she controls everybody. nobody ever includes me, nobody knocks or calls or texts or ims. none of it. they just assume that jen will invite me. and while mostly she does, it just is very apparent that they are indifferent to my presence. and when someone tells you that you come off constantly as having an attitude that youre better than people and that people are annoyed by me a lot but they dont want to tell me because im not close to them, its the worst thing you can hear. these people cant be bothered to include me, and when i am there im doing something im unaware of to upset them, but nobody has the maturity to tell me. what kind of group of friends is that? i deserve better than that, i know that i do. but i just have this overwhelming feeling that NU is so clique centered. people find their friends freshman year and thats it. yes, you can meet new people and develop friendships, it just seems.. ill never get that group back. and maybe thats okay, maybe i dont need the 'group' to be happy... it just is such a comfortable default, and i dont have that anymore because im choosing not to continue to worm my way into peoples lives who dont care about me. and i know that thats the right choice for me.. its just hard.
it has also made seeing alex a bit of a struggle, because she wants to see everybody while i dont. last night i walked with her to rachs and it was really nice to just chill. a lot of times, she and i dont have a lot to say to each other, but i still just feel comfortable with her, which isnt something i have with christine or rosemary. maybe since we lived together for a year, im not sure. i just keep thinking about how different my life would be if she was my roommate. i guess maybe its a good thing, cause i might not have gotten as close to marissa and erin in an attempt to get away from ally, but its still hard because i feel like i would be included 10x more if she were here. weird. i dont know.
ally is still an epic failure. shes on probation right now, and she was talking about moving off campus [the three of us overheard all of this, since she screams on the phone] but now that mariss got a job in LA for coop [at the ellen degeneres show!] im moving into erin's bedroom because i dont have the energy to deal with ally's bullshit anymore, but now ally is trying to get her equally obnoxious friend to move into her room with her, and if that happens i might shoot myself. ugh. shes such a moron. the other day she flushed her hearing aid down the toilet and made the maintenance guy take the toilet off the wall. you couldnt see the floor last week, so i told her she had to clean, so instead of putting her clothes and shit away, she piled probably 50 items of clothing ont he foot of her bed and shes been sleeping with the mound at the end of her bed. im telling you, inept.
i dont want coop to end. i have zero motivation to even think about sitting in class, let alone taking notes and studying and doing well on tests. i should drop out of school, i have like 30 clips already anyways. ha. i wish.
i need to make an appointment with the international coop advisor, im thinking about maybe going to south africa for coop. random, i know, but i just really want to travel and see the world and i dont think i can wait to go abroad until the end of senior year. plus doing a coop abroad would look really incredible for my resume, and then i could come back and get a kick ass job at the globe for my final round and be all set. well, hypothetically. well see. im sure the plan will change a dozen times from now til then.
what else? the new SEN managing editor is gorgeous and im slightly in love.
i went to see we the kings and the academy is and got mauled by the 15 year old crowd, lost both of my shoes until the end of the show and landed a super sexy bruise on my thigh. who knew little teenagers obsessed with pop punk could be so vicious.
i fly home in a month and i could not be more stoaked. i really want to go visit naomi and go to tahoe with her, but we can barely figure out a time in our ridiculous schedules to have a real conversation, let alone find time to make plans, so im hoping that works out before southwest prices shoot out the roof.
i should probably open a word document and pretend like im actually doing work, since im sitting here doing nothing with my life.
happy hump day?
life is.. a mix of wonderful & super shitty.
chris and i are working things out, and i couldnt be happier that he is willing to make the effort to be with me. the fact is, he is not my dream guy. he is not 5'11 with gorgeous sculpted muscles and a beautiful tan. he doesnt write me songs or poetry or love letters, and he cant even spell properly. but none of that really matters, is what im slowly discovering. he picks me up from the bus stop in the freezing cold. he kisses me even when i have bad breath in the morning. he lingers when he hugs me. he rubs my back because he knows its my weakness. he puts his neurotic need to overly study for his quizzes to lay in bed with me because he knows how much i love it. he really is such an incredible guy, with so much potential. there is no doubt in my mind that if he challenges himself, he will without a doubt become an incredible surgeon one day. so things with him are good. thank goodness. it was so hard to have the one thing in my life that i considered so stable be so.. up in the air.
i bought a hamster. her name is haley, and shes a dwarf. i have no good pictures of her, but i promise one day i will get on that. shes gorgeous, black with a white chin & tummy. shes super comfortable with me, and she crawls all over when i play with her. shes an incredible distraction, and while she is definitely not a puppy, shes wonderful.
the paper is incredible. ive been working on a 2600 word story thats being published in this weeks paper, and its just so satisfying to know that ive dug into this issue all on my own and really found the core of the issue to write about. its all about rotten pilings underneath housing in the south end, really not that glamorous, but when i get a link ill post it. im crossing my fingers it makes front page.
ive been leading tours at NU, and its so much fun. i love leading prospective students around campus, its a really amazing reminder of how much i truly do love this school and its campus, even if i am struggling with other things. plus parents laugh at my stupid jokes, and thats always nice
alex is here for the week and its such a comfort. i really am sad that she has to spend a whole year away, and i see how hard it is for her to be here with us, reminded of what shes constantly missing out on. i guess its ironic that im choosing not to hang out with those people while she doesnt have a choice, and so i can understand why she doesnt understand where im coming from.
jen and i are not on speaking terms. the last thing i said to her was that if she wanted me to step out of her life because she saw me as such a bad friend or negative person, that i gladly would, but that i didnt ever realize she had such strong negative feelings towards me. its hard, to think that two years ago this girl was easily my best friend. i feel like i have had so many people in my life fall away so fast, even if those people are obnoxious and hurtful and immature, i cant help but turn inward when these things happen to me. am i really a horrible person? do i really have an attitude that im better than people? [thats what jen told me] its frustrating and hurtful, and i dont know what to think about it. and its hard, because shes the ring leader. she controls everybody. nobody ever includes me, nobody knocks or calls or texts or ims. none of it. they just assume that jen will invite me. and while mostly she does, it just is very apparent that they are indifferent to my presence. and when someone tells you that you come off constantly as having an attitude that youre better than people and that people are annoyed by me a lot but they dont want to tell me because im not close to them, its the worst thing you can hear. these people cant be bothered to include me, and when i am there im doing something im unaware of to upset them, but nobody has the maturity to tell me. what kind of group of friends is that? i deserve better than that, i know that i do. but i just have this overwhelming feeling that NU is so clique centered. people find their friends freshman year and thats it. yes, you can meet new people and develop friendships, it just seems.. ill never get that group back. and maybe thats okay, maybe i dont need the 'group' to be happy... it just is such a comfortable default, and i dont have that anymore because im choosing not to continue to worm my way into peoples lives who dont care about me. and i know that thats the right choice for me.. its just hard.
it has also made seeing alex a bit of a struggle, because she wants to see everybody while i dont. last night i walked with her to rachs and it was really nice to just chill. a lot of times, she and i dont have a lot to say to each other, but i still just feel comfortable with her, which isnt something i have with christine or rosemary. maybe since we lived together for a year, im not sure. i just keep thinking about how different my life would be if she was my roommate. i guess maybe its a good thing, cause i might not have gotten as close to marissa and erin in an attempt to get away from ally, but its still hard because i feel like i would be included 10x more if she were here. weird. i dont know.
ally is still an epic failure. shes on probation right now, and she was talking about moving off campus [the three of us overheard all of this, since she screams on the phone] but now that mariss got a job in LA for coop [at the ellen degeneres show!] im moving into erin's bedroom because i dont have the energy to deal with ally's bullshit anymore, but now ally is trying to get her equally obnoxious friend to move into her room with her, and if that happens i might shoot myself. ugh. shes such a moron. the other day she flushed her hearing aid down the toilet and made the maintenance guy take the toilet off the wall. you couldnt see the floor last week, so i told her she had to clean, so instead of putting her clothes and shit away, she piled probably 50 items of clothing ont he foot of her bed and shes been sleeping with the mound at the end of her bed. im telling you, inept.
i dont want coop to end. i have zero motivation to even think about sitting in class, let alone taking notes and studying and doing well on tests. i should drop out of school, i have like 30 clips already anyways. ha. i wish.
i need to make an appointment with the international coop advisor, im thinking about maybe going to south africa for coop. random, i know, but i just really want to travel and see the world and i dont think i can wait to go abroad until the end of senior year. plus doing a coop abroad would look really incredible for my resume, and then i could come back and get a kick ass job at the globe for my final round and be all set. well, hypothetically. well see. im sure the plan will change a dozen times from now til then.
what else? the new SEN managing editor is gorgeous and im slightly in love.
i went to see we the kings and the academy is and got mauled by the 15 year old crowd, lost both of my shoes until the end of the show and landed a super sexy bruise on my thigh. who knew little teenagers obsessed with pop punk could be so vicious.
i fly home in a month and i could not be more stoaked. i really want to go visit naomi and go to tahoe with her, but we can barely figure out a time in our ridiculous schedules to have a real conversation, let alone find time to make plans, so im hoping that works out before southwest prices shoot out the roof.
i should probably open a word document and pretend like im actually doing work, since im sitting here doing nothing with my life.
happy hump day?