(no subject)
its 2;35 am and i cannot sleep. all i really want is chriss body next to mine, but of course, he is 50 miles away at home. gross.
life is getting better? i dont know. life is just confusing.
i want to go abroad so badly, but i dont know where to go. and im already freaking out about leaving chris. im terrified its going to change our relationship - it took us a lot to get back to such a good place after me being gone for two months, i have no idea how on earth we'd do six or seven months apart. and i cant even freaking figure out where to go. i wanted to go to ghana but now im really not so sure... im not sure if i could handle living in a third world country for 5 months. and i want to go back to china but i feel like it's silly because i was just there, and i want to go somewhere i havent been that i wont be able to go back to. i dont know. i dont know what to do. and then i saw the south africa program and that really appeals too. i have no idea. none whatsoever. and i have 5 weeks to decide. not even, because i have to start getting recommendations from professors and ahhhhhhhhhhhh. but it makes so much sense to go this semester. its right in the middle of my 5 years. alex and kate will be abroad this time also. and then when i come back my friends and i can look for/apply for housing together since we wouldnt be able to sign a lease and then have me go abroad cause id have to sublet which is a pain in the ass. not that i even want to move off campus. i mean i really do, and we might not have a choice. but furniture. this is turning into one of those run on sentence thought things that ms moody used to make us do. she had a baby. wtf. how ridiculous is that. and jenni and i are still not speaking. and i know that i just need to make the first move and say something to her but its almost like i dont know what to say since she was the one who snapped at me when she was the one who made the stupid decision in the first place. i dont get it. and i dont know what to do. and im ready to strangle jen, as much as i love her to death and i really did have a great time with her today when we went to the mall to get her license renewed she is just so immature and i really just need to start meeting other people and hanging out with work people but its awkward because i never know if they like me enough to actually invite me out and a lot of them are 21 so they go to bars and clearly i am not 21 and i am idless so i dont even know and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. you can probably tell now why im awake at 2;40 in the freaking morning.
tomorrow i have work from 3-9 and its going to be so chaotic. i hate saturdays at american eagle. i really hope that im in mens. men are much less obnoxious than women. i also hope that i am not working with chanel because she is ridiculous and so unbelievably slow its ridiculous. i just want to sleep, and im sure that if i actually tried i could i just have so much running through my head i dont even know. i need to stop spending money like i have it, because i really just dont. my bank account just goes lower and lower its so depressing. i spent 125$ on groceries the other day because i had nooo food in my fridge and now im not even eating it because all we ever do is go out to eat so then im wasting the money on the perishable food because i tell myself ill eat it but the i forget i have it so i dont. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. im overheated. and i just want chris here. damnit.
life is getting better? i dont know. life is just confusing.
i want to go abroad so badly, but i dont know where to go. and im already freaking out about leaving chris. im terrified its going to change our relationship - it took us a lot to get back to such a good place after me being gone for two months, i have no idea how on earth we'd do six or seven months apart. and i cant even freaking figure out where to go. i wanted to go to ghana but now im really not so sure... im not sure if i could handle living in a third world country for 5 months. and i want to go back to china but i feel like it's silly because i was just there, and i want to go somewhere i havent been that i wont be able to go back to. i dont know. i dont know what to do. and then i saw the south africa program and that really appeals too. i have no idea. none whatsoever. and i have 5 weeks to decide. not even, because i have to start getting recommendations from professors and ahhhhhhhhhhhh. but it makes so much sense to go this semester. its right in the middle of my 5 years. alex and kate will be abroad this time also. and then when i come back my friends and i can look for/apply for housing together since we wouldnt be able to sign a lease and then have me go abroad cause id have to sublet which is a pain in the ass. not that i even want to move off campus. i mean i really do, and we might not have a choice. but furniture. this is turning into one of those run on sentence thought things that ms moody used to make us do. she had a baby. wtf. how ridiculous is that. and jenni and i are still not speaking. and i know that i just need to make the first move and say something to her but its almost like i dont know what to say since she was the one who snapped at me when she was the one who made the stupid decision in the first place. i dont get it. and i dont know what to do. and im ready to strangle jen, as much as i love her to death and i really did have a great time with her today when we went to the mall to get her license renewed she is just so immature and i really just need to start meeting other people and hanging out with work people but its awkward because i never know if they like me enough to actually invite me out and a lot of them are 21 so they go to bars and clearly i am not 21 and i am idless so i dont even know and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. you can probably tell now why im awake at 2;40 in the freaking morning.
tomorrow i have work from 3-9 and its going to be so chaotic. i hate saturdays at american eagle. i really hope that im in mens. men are much less obnoxious than women. i also hope that i am not working with chanel because she is ridiculous and so unbelievably slow its ridiculous. i just want to sleep, and im sure that if i actually tried i could i just have so much running through my head i dont even know. i need to stop spending money like i have it, because i really just dont. my bank account just goes lower and lower its so depressing. i spent 125$ on groceries the other day because i had nooo food in my fridge and now im not even eating it because all we ever do is go out to eat so then im wasting the money on the perishable food because i tell myself ill eat it but the i forget i have it so i dont. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. im overheated. and i just want chris here. damnit.