[LOG] Double Trouble
Characters: Tanaka Youhei and Tanaka Kouhei
Location: Grounds and gardens
Time: October 18th, after Youhei and the Ktiwns log
Rating: whatever arguments are rated
Summary: Youhei talking to his twin backfires horribly.
Are you in your room? was the first thing Youhei asked when he finally left the Kisarazu twins. He wasn’t too excited about confronting his brother after having cut him off, but he knew waiting too long would only make it worse. It wasn’t often he stopped listening and replying to Kouhei, and he knew his brother wouldn’t be happy with it. He just hoped it wouldn’t be so unhappy as to make what he had to say even worse. Especially when he hadn’t told him what he’d been doing. They rarely talked to anyone else on a personal level as it was, but Youhei never did it without being willing to let Kouhei be a part of it was well, even just mentally. I’m heading there now.
Where have you been? , Kouhei snapped back quickly, almost before Youhei's last thought was finished. He'd been growing more distant lately, but this was different. Much different. Youhei never cut him off that completely, especially not without telling him where he was going first. He didn't really want to wait for Youhei, but since he was on his way there wasn't much of a choice. Kouhei sat down heavily on the end of his bed, and then flopped back to stare up at the ceiling. There was no way he could let it go this time, because it was getting worse and he felt so far away from Youhei that it sort of scared him. He kept that thought to himself though, shutting Youhei out himself. Better to shut him out than scare him off before he could say something.
I was talking to someone, Youhei admitted, not able to help the guilt that seeped along with that thought, though he knew that didn’t make it any better. He didn’t just talk to people without relaying the conversation or at least letting Kouhei know just what he thought of whoever he was talking to. Between the urge to get it over with and the urge to not have to face Kouhei at all, he arrived at Kouhei’s room neither faster nor slower than usual. Let’s take a walk, he called, not actually going into the room, Your roommate is loud. It was an excuse, but close enough, because Youhei didn’t want to talk where Kintarou might show up. Everyone’s probably going to dinner soon so the grounds shouldn’t be too busy.
The answer made Kouhei’s stomach churn with jealousy, because he couldn’t think of a time Youhei had cut him off from a conversation like that. There was obviously something going on, and he didn’t like it. That he didn’t bother hiding from Youhei. Before that last bit was finished, Kouhei opened the door and couldn’t help the glare he leveled at his twin. Let’s go then, he replied and closed the door to his room behind him.
That glare he got made Youhei’s stomach churn, but he nodded and turned around as if he could escape it, knowing there wasn’t really a way to escape his brother. I’m sorry, he thought to him as he headed back out of the dorms. I’ll tell you all about it. Though he said that, he waited until they were near the gardens and definitely alone before he continued. I saw the other twins. They were... While he didn’t quite put it into words, he still sent to Kouhei that feeling of understanding he got from them, that made him actually open up to someone, complete with that niggling guilt that it wasn’t Kouhei.
In response to Youhei’s first words, all he did was sigh. Sorry, whatever, he’d heard that too many times lately and it was getting annoying. It was no problem to walk in silence, a nice brooding silence because he couldn’t hide that he was upset. At least that feeling he got from Youhei was something concrete, something he understood. What he didn’t understand was why Youhei was sending that. It kind of went against everything he thought was going on. Yeah, and?
Youhei paused finally at those words, not walking anymore but turning around to see his brother, really not wanting to push him away, but at the same time he knew how easily it could be seen like that. I talked to them about being a twin. About how they deal with people mixing them up, treating them like the same person... He paused again, because that wasn’t really where he was going, and although frustrated, he did send Kouhei a feeling of not wanting to break up their own little world; that wasn’t why he was saying this. “Kouhei, sometimes I want to talk to you,” he said aloud. “Not always with you.”
At first Kouhei was just confused, because he thought they’d gotten over all of that a long time ago. People didn’t mix them up anymore, not since they dyed their hair, so what was the big deal? The words out loud almost startled him at first, because it was quiet outside and he wasn’t used to Youhei speaking to him out loud when they were alone. It’s the same thing, Youhei. We used to talk a lot more until you started shutting me out.
At first Youhei started to automatically reply mentally, but he stopped himself, forcing himself to speak out loud. The twins had suggested it, and it sounded like a good idea, one that would ensure he knew where everything was coming from, where his and Kouhei’s thoughts wouldn’t blur until there wasn’t really a Youhei or Kouhei, it was just them. “It’s not the same. We talked, but at the same time we didn’t. It didn’t matter who was speaking what, because it was always the same...” Youhei looked away, giving a bush a stubborn, almost annoyed look as he fought against everything he was used to doing; going along with it and being them. “I want to be Youhei. Not Kouhei.”
Finally Kouhei lost his patience at the last bit and rolled his eyes, folding his arms across his chest. That’s stupid. His answer was adamant, but he still didn’t resort to regular speech. Just because I talk to you like this doesn’t mean we have one voice. So we talk at the same time. So do other twins. Hell, so do other people. That doesn’t make you any less a person.
It’s not stupid, Youhei replied, frowning at his brother. “We’re different people but we don’t act like it.” He scowled for another moment, before admitting, I don’t act like it. “But I want to. I agree because I don’t want to put something between us.” It was easier to say some things directly, so as much as he wanted to keep speaking aloud, it kept leaking through thought. That’s why I go quiet. I didn’t want to change things and make you feel hurtworriedwrong he felt more than really thought, “Because sometimes what I really think is different from what you think and I want that to be okay.”
It is stupid. It’s not my fault you’re so agreeable. Kouhei griped, annoyed by the sudden onslaught of thoughts and speech that was rather hard to keep straight when it was coming at him at the same time. I’m not going to stop you from thinking what you want. I couldn’t even if I tried. Kouhei poured all of his frustrations into those thoughts, not knowing how else to express it. We’re always going to be us. But don’t cut me out just because you think I can’t handle it. You never even tried.
Youhei was sending frustration right back, at least until it started turning into confusion, surprise, and then a stunned quiet. I was trying to protect you. And us. Which was why he closed off instead of trying. “I didn’t want you to resent me,” Like I was starting to do he accidentally added. But there was no taking it back. Kouhei knew what he mean by trying to protect them, didn’t he? They were always feeling like they were the only ones who really mattered. He didn’t want to see them fall apart. “You don’t mind?”
It was kind of nice this time when Youhei got so quiet, and Kouhei didn’t bother hiding that he felt that way either. It’s too late. He finally responded, ignoring the last part of that question. I already resent this. So let’s see how you like it. With that said, Kouhei purposefully cut off that communication as if putting up a brick wall between them. Normally he only used that when he was thinking about sex or something, but this time he had no intention of lifting it. Instead he turned away from Youhei and started walking away, back toward the dorms.
Youhei felt cold at first, at that thought from Kouhei that let him know he’d messed up. But it only got worse as he finished, because he knew exactly what was coming, and his panic wasn’t enough to stop it. Kouhei! he tried, already knowing it was too late, especially when his brother was physically withdrawing from him too. “Wait,” he called aloud instead, heading after him, grabbing at his hand. He kept starting to send thoughts, pleas, only to have that sickening feeling that none of them were going through, that there was no one there to hear them. “Kouhei, I was trying to fix this,” he said in frustration.
Kouhei’s eyes narrowed as he continued walking, not looking back. He was frustrated and angry and felt very alone, but there wasn’t anything he could do about it. “Leave me alone, Youhei! Isn’t this what you wanted?” He whirled around to turn that glare on his twin, but then just gave a frustrated sigh and tugged hard at his wrist to get out of that grasp. “Go be yourself and leave me out of it.”
Youhei let Kouhei go, but only because he was worried he’d hurt him if he tried holding him any tighter. “That’s not what I wanted!” It was eerie, even, for the first words Kouhei had spoken aloud to him for a long time being ones telling him to go away. “I do want to be myself, and I want you to be you so I feel like you’re there instead of... instead of here,” he said, just as frustrated as he pointed at the side of his own head, hoping that even without the mental link Kouhei would understand what he meant. “Sometimes I want to talk to someone who isn’t trying to be me.”
Instead of turning to walk away like he wanted to, Kouhei stayed right where he was as he listened. By the end of it though his hands were clenched into fists and he shook his head quickly. “I was never trying to be you! I was being myself and still being part of us Something you apparently need to learn.” Kouhei’s frown turned into a scowl, and he turned around again to walk away, just wanting to get away from Youhei right now, something which rarely had happened over the years.
“Kouhei!” Youhei called again as his brother tried to leave him, feeling empty when he realized he couldn’t even ask anything, couldn’t just let Kouhei go and speak to him in a minute from somewhere else. Not unless Kouhei let him. In a way he was getting exactly what he wanted; they were obviously being very individual right now, just... too much. “Don’t go. I never wanted you to go,” he said, frowning hard. “I didn’t want you to hear me being different. I wasn’t trying to push you away.” He didn’t know what else he could say, but the words were coming out in a panic as he watched his brother walk away from him.
It was really hard to just keep walking, but somehow Kouhei did it. It would be easier this way, and Kouhei really was mad at him which was probably the only thing that saved him from turning around. “Just leave me alone!” He yelled out one more time and picked up his pace walking back through the gardens toward the dorm building.
Youhei finally paused at that demand, that sickening feeling of panic not gone, but worse when he remembered just how much Kouhei had been glad when he had paused the last time. He stared, dumbfounded as his brother got away from him as fast as he could without running, and wondered how this went so wrong.
Location: Grounds and gardens
Time: October 18th, after Youhei and the Ktiwns log
Rating: whatever arguments are rated
Summary: Youhei talking to his twin backfires horribly.
Are you in your room? was the first thing Youhei asked when he finally left the Kisarazu twins. He wasn’t too excited about confronting his brother after having cut him off, but he knew waiting too long would only make it worse. It wasn’t often he stopped listening and replying to Kouhei, and he knew his brother wouldn’t be happy with it. He just hoped it wouldn’t be so unhappy as to make what he had to say even worse. Especially when he hadn’t told him what he’d been doing. They rarely talked to anyone else on a personal level as it was, but Youhei never did it without being willing to let Kouhei be a part of it was well, even just mentally. I’m heading there now.
Where have you been? , Kouhei snapped back quickly, almost before Youhei's last thought was finished. He'd been growing more distant lately, but this was different. Much different. Youhei never cut him off that completely, especially not without telling him where he was going first. He didn't really want to wait for Youhei, but since he was on his way there wasn't much of a choice. Kouhei sat down heavily on the end of his bed, and then flopped back to stare up at the ceiling. There was no way he could let it go this time, because it was getting worse and he felt so far away from Youhei that it sort of scared him. He kept that thought to himself though, shutting Youhei out himself. Better to shut him out than scare him off before he could say something.
I was talking to someone, Youhei admitted, not able to help the guilt that seeped along with that thought, though he knew that didn’t make it any better. He didn’t just talk to people without relaying the conversation or at least letting Kouhei know just what he thought of whoever he was talking to. Between the urge to get it over with and the urge to not have to face Kouhei at all, he arrived at Kouhei’s room neither faster nor slower than usual. Let’s take a walk, he called, not actually going into the room, Your roommate is loud. It was an excuse, but close enough, because Youhei didn’t want to talk where Kintarou might show up. Everyone’s probably going to dinner soon so the grounds shouldn’t be too busy.
The answer made Kouhei’s stomach churn with jealousy, because he couldn’t think of a time Youhei had cut him off from a conversation like that. There was obviously something going on, and he didn’t like it. That he didn’t bother hiding from Youhei. Before that last bit was finished, Kouhei opened the door and couldn’t help the glare he leveled at his twin. Let’s go then, he replied and closed the door to his room behind him.
That glare he got made Youhei’s stomach churn, but he nodded and turned around as if he could escape it, knowing there wasn’t really a way to escape his brother. I’m sorry, he thought to him as he headed back out of the dorms. I’ll tell you all about it. Though he said that, he waited until they were near the gardens and definitely alone before he continued. I saw the other twins. They were... While he didn’t quite put it into words, he still sent to Kouhei that feeling of understanding he got from them, that made him actually open up to someone, complete with that niggling guilt that it wasn’t Kouhei.
In response to Youhei’s first words, all he did was sigh. Sorry, whatever, he’d heard that too many times lately and it was getting annoying. It was no problem to walk in silence, a nice brooding silence because he couldn’t hide that he was upset. At least that feeling he got from Youhei was something concrete, something he understood. What he didn’t understand was why Youhei was sending that. It kind of went against everything he thought was going on. Yeah, and?
Youhei paused finally at those words, not walking anymore but turning around to see his brother, really not wanting to push him away, but at the same time he knew how easily it could be seen like that. I talked to them about being a twin. About how they deal with people mixing them up, treating them like the same person... He paused again, because that wasn’t really where he was going, and although frustrated, he did send Kouhei a feeling of not wanting to break up their own little world; that wasn’t why he was saying this. “Kouhei, sometimes I want to talk to you,” he said aloud. “Not always with you.”
At first Kouhei was just confused, because he thought they’d gotten over all of that a long time ago. People didn’t mix them up anymore, not since they dyed their hair, so what was the big deal? The words out loud almost startled him at first, because it was quiet outside and he wasn’t used to Youhei speaking to him out loud when they were alone. It’s the same thing, Youhei. We used to talk a lot more until you started shutting me out.
At first Youhei started to automatically reply mentally, but he stopped himself, forcing himself to speak out loud. The twins had suggested it, and it sounded like a good idea, one that would ensure he knew where everything was coming from, where his and Kouhei’s thoughts wouldn’t blur until there wasn’t really a Youhei or Kouhei, it was just them. “It’s not the same. We talked, but at the same time we didn’t. It didn’t matter who was speaking what, because it was always the same...” Youhei looked away, giving a bush a stubborn, almost annoyed look as he fought against everything he was used to doing; going along with it and being them. “I want to be Youhei. Not Kouhei.”
Finally Kouhei lost his patience at the last bit and rolled his eyes, folding his arms across his chest. That’s stupid. His answer was adamant, but he still didn’t resort to regular speech. Just because I talk to you like this doesn’t mean we have one voice. So we talk at the same time. So do other twins. Hell, so do other people. That doesn’t make you any less a person.
It’s not stupid, Youhei replied, frowning at his brother. “We’re different people but we don’t act like it.” He scowled for another moment, before admitting, I don’t act like it. “But I want to. I agree because I don’t want to put something between us.” It was easier to say some things directly, so as much as he wanted to keep speaking aloud, it kept leaking through thought. That’s why I go quiet. I didn’t want to change things and make you feel hurtworriedwrong he felt more than really thought, “Because sometimes what I really think is different from what you think and I want that to be okay.”
It is stupid. It’s not my fault you’re so agreeable. Kouhei griped, annoyed by the sudden onslaught of thoughts and speech that was rather hard to keep straight when it was coming at him at the same time. I’m not going to stop you from thinking what you want. I couldn’t even if I tried. Kouhei poured all of his frustrations into those thoughts, not knowing how else to express it. We’re always going to be us. But don’t cut me out just because you think I can’t handle it. You never even tried.
Youhei was sending frustration right back, at least until it started turning into confusion, surprise, and then a stunned quiet. I was trying to protect you. And us. Which was why he closed off instead of trying. “I didn’t want you to resent me,” Like I was starting to do he accidentally added. But there was no taking it back. Kouhei knew what he mean by trying to protect them, didn’t he? They were always feeling like they were the only ones who really mattered. He didn’t want to see them fall apart. “You don’t mind?”
It was kind of nice this time when Youhei got so quiet, and Kouhei didn’t bother hiding that he felt that way either. It’s too late. He finally responded, ignoring the last part of that question. I already resent this. So let’s see how you like it. With that said, Kouhei purposefully cut off that communication as if putting up a brick wall between them. Normally he only used that when he was thinking about sex or something, but this time he had no intention of lifting it. Instead he turned away from Youhei and started walking away, back toward the dorms.
Youhei felt cold at first, at that thought from Kouhei that let him know he’d messed up. But it only got worse as he finished, because he knew exactly what was coming, and his panic wasn’t enough to stop it. Kouhei! he tried, already knowing it was too late, especially when his brother was physically withdrawing from him too. “Wait,” he called aloud instead, heading after him, grabbing at his hand. He kept starting to send thoughts, pleas, only to have that sickening feeling that none of them were going through, that there was no one there to hear them. “Kouhei, I was trying to fix this,” he said in frustration.
Kouhei’s eyes narrowed as he continued walking, not looking back. He was frustrated and angry and felt very alone, but there wasn’t anything he could do about it. “Leave me alone, Youhei! Isn’t this what you wanted?” He whirled around to turn that glare on his twin, but then just gave a frustrated sigh and tugged hard at his wrist to get out of that grasp. “Go be yourself and leave me out of it.”
Youhei let Kouhei go, but only because he was worried he’d hurt him if he tried holding him any tighter. “That’s not what I wanted!” It was eerie, even, for the first words Kouhei had spoken aloud to him for a long time being ones telling him to go away. “I do want to be myself, and I want you to be you so I feel like you’re there instead of... instead of here,” he said, just as frustrated as he pointed at the side of his own head, hoping that even without the mental link Kouhei would understand what he meant. “Sometimes I want to talk to someone who isn’t trying to be me.”
Instead of turning to walk away like he wanted to, Kouhei stayed right where he was as he listened. By the end of it though his hands were clenched into fists and he shook his head quickly. “I was never trying to be you! I was being myself and still being part of us Something you apparently need to learn.” Kouhei’s frown turned into a scowl, and he turned around again to walk away, just wanting to get away from Youhei right now, something which rarely had happened over the years.
“Kouhei!” Youhei called again as his brother tried to leave him, feeling empty when he realized he couldn’t even ask anything, couldn’t just let Kouhei go and speak to him in a minute from somewhere else. Not unless Kouhei let him. In a way he was getting exactly what he wanted; they were obviously being very individual right now, just... too much. “Don’t go. I never wanted you to go,” he said, frowning hard. “I didn’t want you to hear me being different. I wasn’t trying to push you away.” He didn’t know what else he could say, but the words were coming out in a panic as he watched his brother walk away from him.
It was really hard to just keep walking, but somehow Kouhei did it. It would be easier this way, and Kouhei really was mad at him which was probably the only thing that saved him from turning around. “Just leave me alone!” He yelled out one more time and picked up his pace walking back through the gardens toward the dorm building.
Youhei finally paused at that demand, that sickening feeling of panic not gone, but worse when he remembered just how much Kouhei had been glad when he had paused the last time. He stared, dumbfounded as his brother got away from him as fast as he could without running, and wondered how this went so wrong.