[LOG] Men Talk With Their Fists
Who: Tsuge Ryuji and Kajimoto Takahisa
What: man to man talks
When: July 1st
Where: the school’s gym
Rating: PG-ish for language?
The large blond shifted a few things around in the gym. He had a few mats out and a punching bag still needed hung. He also had some weights that needed put away. For the moment, he left them out. He left them out because he was expecting someone. He was expecting a young man. One of the students.
He had made the offer to help him work through whatever was eating at him. He didn’t know what it was, but he was rather fond of the puppet-master and his strange little toys. He wasn’t a counselor. That was Shiba’s job. However, he had something Shiba didn’t. Years of experience as a man. He was sure whatever was bothering Kajimoto, he would find a way to help him through it. That or sweat him out so much that he couldn’t think about it for a little bit. For now, he just waited for the kid to show.
Kajimoto strolled into the gym, not sure what to expect. He’d been stressed out to the point of snapping at other people, which was inexcusable to him. He was supposed to focus on keeping his cool, but even yoga wasn’t helping. In fact, given the reason he was so frustrated, Yoga Club was making it worse. Sighing, he wondered if what Tsuge-sensei was offering would actually help or not. There seemed to be a multitude of items around, and the puppeteer raised an eyebrow as he came within earshot of the blond man.
“I’m here. So what exactly are you offering here, and how is it going to help?” Because whatever it was, he was willing to give it a shot. By now, he was even having trouble keeping his dolls going because of his emotional state. Which was helpful to know, but still annoying.
The old marine turned from his preparations when he heard the other’s voice. Kajimoto was there. And right on time too. He approved of punctuality. Even if they never decided what time they were actually going to meet.
He strode towards the dollmaster and stopped to loom just slightly over him. “Well, it’s like this. Sometimes, when there are things bothering us, we talk them out. But sometimes talking isn’t worth squidoo. Those times, I have just the ticket. You and I are going to enjoy one of my usual workouts. I’m going to sweat you until you can’t think anymore. Then it’ll all be Jake.” He sounded positively joyful (for Tsuge) about the idea. He didn’t often have anyone to work out with him. Most couldn’t keep up. Weights, multiple stations for physical things like sit up and push ups and pull ups, the bag to punch, and then the running. He had an obstacle course that he was certain he could push Kajimoto through, all in the hope of sweating out whatever the underlying problem was.
“And if that doesn’t fly, then you can always take a crack at me. I’ve played punching bag before and unlike with some people, I promise I won’t hit back.” Mostly because he was certain that Kajimoto wouldn’t be able to withstand a blow from him.
Kajimoto said nothing for a moment, just raised an eyebrow at the tall man and thought through what Tsuge-sensei had said. Well, what he’d understood of it, anyway. Working himself to exhaustion so he didn’t have the energy to think or worry? That was one way to help. It was a temporary fix, of course. The problem would still be present when he woke up, sore and stiff from overdoing it. But for a while he’d be distracted, then worn out, then distracted again. And he wouldn’t be stressing out and getting himself tied in knots over the situation. A patch job, but better than nothing, which was what he had to work with now. Because he was NOT going to Shiba-sensei about this.
After a moment of consideration, weighing the pros and cons, Kajimoto nodded. “Okay. I’m not an Olympic athlete-- I doubt I’ll be able to do more than barely keep up with you. I might surprise myself this time, but for now we’ll concentrate on that.” He rolled his shoulders, looking around. “So what’s first?” Probably some type of warm-up before they got to actual exercise.
Tsuge waited for the decision. He nodded a little. He was glad that the boy decided to do this. Maybe, he could help. He did like helping. He might be very old fashioned in the way he dealt with things but at the same time, sometimes that was what was needed. “Understood. I will only push you as hard as I think you can handle.” Which was quite a lot. He liked to show the students that they were capable of a lot more than they thought they were.
“First, we need to stretch, because we’re going for a nice leisurely jog around the campus.” The entire campus. It wouldn’t be leisurely either. He would set the pace and ensure that the boy could keep up. “I understand that your ability will make you a lot more limber than I, so we will have to pay more attention so that you don’t get hurt.”
Nodding, Kajimoto began doing the same kinds of beginning stretches he did to warm up for yoga club. He wasn’t sure what stretching Tsuge-sensei liked to do, but this was good for getting his entire body ready to move, not just certain muscle sets. He stretched carefully, but still managed to contort himself in ways that most human beings couldn’t. While it was only his joints, he still liked being able to do it, and he especially liked not having to hide it from others.
The entire routine took approximately 10 minutes. He focused more on his legs than his upper body, though he didn’t neglect his core or his arms. He knew there was more to running than using his feet. Still, he had to wonder as he stood. would he end up sore tomorrow? How hard would the blond man push? Kajimoto nodded as he stood, then rolled his neck a little. “do you think I need any more stretching, or are we good to go?” Because he was starting to get antsy again. Yoga stretching reminded the puppeteer of him-- something he didn’t want to think of now.
He did a rudimentary form of stretching. He didn’t really care or worry about getting hurt. It wasn’t a possibility for him. Instead, he focused on thinking of all the ways he was going to tire this kid out. He ended long before Kajimoto did and just watched him, arms crossed over his chest. “No. I think it’s all Jake now, kid. Any longer and it’ll eat up sunlight. Can’t lollygag all day.” With that, he led out of the gym and looked over his shoulder. “Just follow me and try to keep up.”
Then he was off, setting a rather surprising pace for a man his age. His path would lead to the obstacle course and there, he would add things, like pullups and pushups and sit up. Just like the Marine training he’d been through 60 some years ago. He only looked back every once in a while to make sure he wasn’t leaving the boy behind.
Kajimoto took off after the teacher, quickly regulating his breathing and movements so he wouldn’t tire out too quickly. He kept a small distance between the two of them, though, to be able to take in his surroundings as they went. Outside it was a bright and sunny day. The weather had warmed up a great deal since his arrival at the school. Now the days were hot, but he didn’t mind. The heat invigorated him. For now, he could keep up with Tsuge-sensei’s pace with no problem.
For now. Tsuge picked up the pace once they reached his little obstacle course. He attacked the course with a relish. One day, he would have Taki or maybe Shiba time him. He would set a time for the student to try and beat. Those who did...he would think of some sort of reward system, since atta-boys weren’t really modern currency when it came to the kids.
As he scaled and dropped to the other side of a small wall, he considered his next course of action with the puppet master. Doing his set of 500 situps on the other side of the wall, he asked, “Kajimoto, have you ever engaged in fistacuffs?”
Kajimoto was much slower than Tsuge-sensei when they hit the obstacle course. He focused on every challenge the course presented, not wanting to fall flat on his face. It took him a few moments to catch up to the teacher, especially after clambering awkwardly over the wall, but he immediately joined in the situps. He wasn’t the type to slack off, especially over something he’d instigated. Tsuge-sensei was doing him a favor here, so the puppeteer would do his best.
The question startled him for a second, but then the reason for it became clear. “No, but not because of a lack of interest. My anger has always been a white-hot rage, but I’ve kept enough sense to force it down and avoid unleashing it. I’d even say it scares me a little, because it washes over me so suddenly. I never knew what I was capable of doing, so I always shoved it down and did my best to not resort to physical violence even when I really wanted to. Hence the yoga and meditation, which has helped some.”
Tsuge stopped what he was doing to listen to the boy. He could only shake his head. He understood, very very well. “Kajimoto...I understand better than you know.” There was a reason why there were times that Tsuge suddenly locked himself away, like with what happened with his car. “I know just what anger can do.” He didn’t know if he wanted to tell the boy exactly why. He was certain his berserker tendencies were legendary at the school, as he had been there for so long. “But with me, you don’t have to worry. So today, instead of keeping it bottled up, I want you to let it out. I promise you, I can take it.” But first, they had to get through the rest of the course.
Kajimoto stopped doing sit-ups and turned to the instructor. Everyone knew about Tsuge-sensei’s temper from rumors, though no specific incidents had ever been mentioned. It had alway been vague things padded with speculation, so he’d never given it too much thought. Every school had at least one teacher that the students were a little afraid of simply because they were no-nonsense, hard-nosed types that were willing to call students on their bullshit when it was necessary. If Tuge-sensei was saying what he thought he was saying, though, maybe there’d been some truth to the rumors after all. For a moment, Takahisa was actually a little worried. But the PE teacher had always been incredibly calm (if sarcastic and blunt) in the time that the puppet master had known him. So it was possible-- no, likely-- that he had damn good self-control. Even sparring should be okay, then. Nodding to himself in satisfaction, he simply said, “Understood, sensei. I’ll try to be a challenge to you,” and left it at that as he went back to his sit-ups.
He finished his long before Kajimoto and then counted the rest. He didn’t have to match him, but it was nice to see a student trying so hard. Most students would have just rolled their eyes at him and told him what he was demanding was impossible. “Well, we’ll make it back there in two shakes.” Well as soon as they cleared his course. A high physical course that could even tire the best marine. He was certain that the puppetmaster could handle it. He had done well so far.
The large blond was certain that this whole plan was working. He had already gotten the boy to tell him about his anger. Maybe, with enough prodding, he could get to the bottom of the rest of it. Shiba could eat her heart out! Sometimes, even he could do something right. 80 plus years of experience were worth at least something. “This way then. Let’s get a wiggle on.”
Kajimoto finished his last sit-up and stood to follow behind the instructor. Already he was starting to sweat from the exertion. But he refused to complain. He’d asked for this, he couldn’t say anything negative now that he was getting it. Instead, he focused on fighting his way through the rest of the course. Rope obstacles, swinging obstacles he had to avoid, the grown-up equivalent of monkey bars. A few times he faltered or did something not-quite-right. When that happened, he forced himself to go back and do it again until he got it right. He still managed to make his way through every one in good time, if a good bit slower than Tsuge-sensei. When they reached the end he stopped long enough to catch his breath. Even with the good shape he was in, this wasn’t a cakewalk. Which was exactly what he wanted. To be too exhausted to even think. Finally straightening back up when his panting had eased, he looked the teacher in the eye. “Okay, what next?”
Tsuge wasn’t even panting. He wasn’t even sweating. He looked like he had been taking a walk. He actually smiled. The smile of a doting grandfather, proud of a grandson. It was short lived, there and then gone back to his usual serious look. “Now, we run again. All the way back.” He didn’t wait either. Just effortlessly trotted back at the pace he had run out. “Once we’re back, put some gloves on and we’ll get you in the ring with me. We’ll go a few rounds.” Only it wasn’t a ring and he wouldn’t be hitting back.
Once they returned to the gym, instead of making the boy start right away, he took the chance to pull his shirt off and get gloves on. He kept his back turned, powerfully muscled form bearing the evidence of a world war, his marine tattoo still fresh as the day he had gotten it, the dates etched into his flesh for eternity. 1941 - 1945. Once he was prepared, he turned back around. “You can feel free to give me a wallop.”
Kajimoto nodded silently and jogged back behind the teacher. But he was starting to feel the strain on his body from the exercise. Grimacing, he pushed himself to keep running all the way back rather than slowing down to a walk. Several muscles were already complaining, but he forced himself to endure it. He’d just have to exercise more so he didn’t get so worn out next time. He was noticeably slower this time compared to when they’d jogged out, but he didn’t keep Tsuge-sensei waiting too long.
Once inside he took the chance to remove his shirt entirely and get himself a quick drink from the fountain. He kept moving, though, not wanting his muscles to get cold. That done, he grabbed a pair of gloves and got them on. Tsuge-sensei seemed ready as well, but the direction made Kajimoto blink a bit. “Just... haul off and hit you?” That didn’t seem very sporting.
Tsuge pointed to the side of his face. “Right there. You won’t hurt me.” He paused and then added, just so Kajimoto could understand fully, “You can’t. One of my gifts is rapid self-healing.” It was why he was in his 90s and looked just below 40 among other things. “Just imagine I’m someone you want to K.O. Maybe the person that got you all worked up from the get go?” Not the most graceful way of poking at Kajimoto, but he did what he could.
Kajimoto took a moment to process that. Huh. Well, no wonder he’d volunteered like this, then, as an outlet for the puppeteer’s anger. He was probably the best person to play punching bag out of the entire school. He was already raising his hands when Tsuge-sensei had brought up the person who’d stressed him out. He snorted and immediately dropped his hands, looking off to the side. “Hitting isn’t what I want to do to them. And most of my anger is aimed at myself anyway.”
Well, that wasn’t entirely true. Part of him was a little angry at Saitou-sensei for flirting with Shiba-sensei where he could see it and shoving it in his face how impossible his feelings were. But he knew perfectly well that it was an unreasonable anger, and he had no desire to hurt the tall man because of it. Instead, he raised his gloves again and aimed a dead serious look at the blond instructor. “Okay, I’ll pretend you’re me.” That, he could work with. Already he could feel his long-suppressed anger trying to surface. He flexed his shoulders, set his feet, and threw the first punch.
Now that was different. It also made him wonder who it was then. If Kajimoto didn’t want to hit them, what did he want to do with them? Something he needed to get to the bottom of. Especially since Kajimoto was angry at himself. “Sure thing.” He said and then took the punch. Whatever bruise that might have formed was already healing. He was certain he had hurt the boy’s hand more.
“Nice. You’ve got quite the arm. I almost felt that one.” This next one, he would block. “I don’t see why you’re so spitting mad at yourself. Can’t help certain things, can you?” So, since he didn’t know, he had to just be vague. He wasn’t good at it.
Kajimoto rolled his eye. Yes, yes, he was a yoga guy, not a boxer. His punches would definitely fall under the category of “light stings” to the man in front of him. He backed up mentally, making sure his footing and posture were a little better this time, and took a moment to really size up the instructor. He was still fighting the anger inside and doing a decent job when Tsuge-sensei asked him why he was angry at himself. It was like flipping a switch in the normally calm and reserved young man.
He lashed out, heedless of things like form or balance. Suddenly it was an overwhelming need to hurt someone, to make them feel as miserable as he did. He gritted his teeth, alternating between his left and right fists. “‘Can’t help certain things’? That’s a weak excuse! And it wouldn’t matter anyway, if I was a better person! At least then...” he faltered, his swing missing, but he pulled himself together through sheer force of will. Tucked away the wild edges of his anger before he really let loose, and raised his hands to begin again.
He took the punches. He took them all without flinching. Each one knocking into him, causing him to jar just slightly. Causing the tags around his neck to clink together. So this was it. This was Kajimoto’s rage. He listened even as his face and chest took the hits. He was certain that one punch even drew blood from the corner of his mouth. He wondered if Kajimoto noticed his skin closing up and the evidence disappearing like it had never happened.
His eyes narrowed when it was contained again. He had to be careful. he had to pull it, just before he hit. he could do it. He took one single jab and forced himself to come up. Perhaps the distraction would get him to spill the beans. “At least what? What the hell is eating you.”
He wasn’t prepared for the older man to hit back. He should have been, he thought as he was knocked backwards. He managed, by dint of his learned balance and unnatural flexibility, to stay on his feet. But now he could feel the anger rising again, and he couldn’t hold it back as he took another swing at the teacher. And another, and another. The blows fell quickly now, as though someone else was moving his body. As if he was the puppet instead of the puppeteer.
“At least if I was a better person I could let it go, instead of holding onto it when I know it’s impossible! I wouldn’t resent him when it’s not his fault! Why would he...” He faltered again, his fists coming to rest on Tsuge-sensei’s chest. He could see the wounds healing even as he stood there, his sides heaving from the physical and emotional strain. Tears stung his eyes. But no, he still couldn’t let himself go that far. He still couldn’t say it. He moved back, fear evident in his eyes. “What are you doing? Why are you provoking me like this?”
Him? So it was about someone else? Each blow healed as quickly as it was given and finally, the hand just rested, against his chest. Against the tags that rested there before it was gone and the boy was backing away. Fear? He was used to seeing that. He was used to hearing screams of “OH GOD! GET HOLD OF YOURSELF!” to accompany it before those screams turned to pain.
“Because it’s eating you alive. You need to let it out. You need to tell someone. You need to say it. Trust me, boy. There is nothing you can say that’ll surprise me. Nothing. So I want you to say it. Let it out. Or I’ll keep going until you do. I’d rather not do that. It won’t be healthy for you. It’s already not healthy now. So, take a swing, play me some chin music and tell me who is it. Who is this he and what has he done that’s got your knickers in a twist.”
Kajimoto started laughing, but there was a bitter edge to it. Tell someone? Tell this macho man, who would sneer and laugh at him for letting something like this get to him? Furious, and still afraid of seeing that disgust or superiority on the blond man’s face, Kajimoto launched himself forward again, hitting as fast and as hard as he could. The way the wounds healed right before his eyes only made him angrier. His vision was beginning to go red with the haze as he pummeled Tsuge-sensei’s face and chest.
“Tell someone?! Tell them that I’m so stupid I not only fell in love with a teacher, but a straight guy as well? Tell someone it hurts like nothing I’ve ever felt before just to watch him flirt with that damn counselor, because I’m selfish and I hate her and I want him even though I know he’d never go for me even if I wasn’t a student and a guy?!” He was panting now, but the floodgates were open and he couldn’t stop the outpouring of words. “I hate it! And I hate myself because I damn well know it’ll never happen and I still fight against that impossibility like an IDIOT!!”
And there it was. The answer to it all. Young love. Of course. Love and jealousy and the realization that you’d never, never be the right person. He knew that. He knew that better than anyone. He let himself be hit and approached, stepping into each and every punch. He didn’t care. He could take it. He knew what he was doing. He wasn’t very good at this, but at least he’d give it a shot.
One last punch to the face and Tsuge was on Kajimoto. His strong arms going around him in a rather strong hug, not caring how much he was getting hurt. “I understand.” he murmured. “It hurts. It’s like your heart is getting ripped from your chest and stamped on when you see them together. You tell yourself you’re the better choice and then in the next breath, you remind yourself why you aren’t.” He sighed again and admitted softly, “You aren’t the only one who’s felt this. But you shouldn’t hate yourself for it. Love is love, even if they can never return it. Even if you can never tell them.” He swallowed a little and let go, feeling a bit awkward now. “The hurt will fade, Kajimoto. Somewhat. But it won’t ever go away because heartbreak can’t be healed that easily. Not then...not even now.” Because he was on the other end of that. He cared for Shiba in a way he had only cared for one other person. One that he had allowed to be taken from him. He was going to allow it a second time. “All we can do is be happy for them. Even if all we want to do is steal them away.”
Tears burned in his eyes, and he had no defenses left. He was wrapped in arms like steel bands that wouldn’t allow him to either push the man away or run. And even when the arms dropped, he had no strength to move away. One sob broke free, and then another, as he leaned forward and let it spill out. “I-I want to be happy for him. I know he would never choose me. I’m just a... just a kid to him, just someone in a club he manages and in a class he teaches. But no matter how many times I tell myself that, I still find myself hoping that it could happen, that maybe he could. And I know that if he did I’d be so damn happy.
“But I’m too scared of finding out once and for all. I don’t want to give up that hope, so I keep it to myself and don’t tell anyone, even when it’s eating me up inside and I panic every time I think about having to be close to him. And even though he knows something’s up now, and he knows I have feelings for someone, I don’t want to tell him. I just... can’t.” And maybe he was a coward and an idiot, but it was how he felt. Part of him wondered, though, if Tsuge-sensei was in the same boat. Now that he thought about it, it sounded like he was.
He reached out and lightly put a hand upon the boy’s head. A fond gesture and one a lot easier than hugging. He let the boy cry. He let the lad do what he could never do. Not even when Nobara died and he had sat at her grave and considered trying to find a way to end it all. “That’s because you’re a good person. So you worry. And I know. I could tell you that age is just a number, but I would be lying.” It was his reason for not going after Shiba now. He was old enough to be her father...no...her grandfather! “But that’s no reason to hate yourself.” He took a small breath and murmured, “I’ll lose her again. I’m not happy about that, but I understand...it’s just how it is. You can still love him though. You’re allowed to feel what you feel, right? No one can make you feel anything else. If they do, I’ll really do a number on them.” He protected his students were and when he could.
“Now, lets take a little breath.” He coaxed. He wished he was better at this. The marines never trained him for this.
Kajimoto stopped crying long enough to look up at the teacher. Yes, there was understanding in his eyes, not boredom or superiority or anything else he’d feared he’d see. Someone who understood, who’d been there before... and was there now? From the things he murmured, it seemed so. It was mind-boggling to the puppet master for a moment. To think that this hardened man, this drill sergeant of a PE teacher, could have tender feelings for someone else. But that thought was unworthy as well as unkind, he realized. Everyone had a heart. And anyone could fall for someone, common sense be damned.
He sighed and took a step back, struggling to regain his former aloofness. The occasional sniffle didn’t really help, but he fought to push his emotions back down to a manageable level. “Logically, I know that’s all true. But... every time I see him, logic flies out the window and I’m left with a-a-a fight between joy and fear, hope and despair. I know I should just tell him and get the rejection over with, but I also know I’ll never have the courage. So I feel caught, stalled and frustrated, and it grows whenever I see him paying attention to someone else.”
That wouldn’t do. He reached out again, this time to clap the boy’s arm. “I know. And if you tell them, and they say no, it will hurt even more. So instead you say nothing. You say nothing and watch your best friend run away with your best girl for a second time. And in 40 or 50 years, I’ll teach their grandchildren.” It wasn’t a guess but a statement of fact. Time had nearly stopped for him. In 50 years, he might be pushing 50 by his appearance.
“You don’t need courage. You just need to be able to express things like you did right now. You shoved that load off to someone else. Someone else shares the weight now. Don’t you feel even slightly better now? Besides, you’re still a young buck. First loves are last loves. In 20 years, you’ll find someone who you love that loves you back and it’ll all be Jake.”
Kajimoto snorted a half-laugh at the teacher. It sounded like someone else was living with a rather large burden himself, and had just taken the opportunity to unload a little on someone else. But the brunet could hardly blame him. It was an even trade, misery for misery. He wasn’t sure if he believed the bit about finding someone else to love him, though. At this point, he couldn’t wrap his head around the idea of caring for anyone but Saitou-sensei. Still. Taking stock of himself, he had to nod at the question. “Yes, I do. Thank you for that.”
He pulled the gloves off, flexing his fingers a bit before letting his head tip backward as he took stock of his body. Quite a few muscles were screaming at him now, most likely because of the way he’d hauled off and started wailing on the blond man like his life depended on it. But he was expended, mentally and physically, exactly like he’d wanted to be. It had taken more than he expected to get here, but he’d done it. He took another deep breath, feeling the last of his anger slip away in the wake of his exhaustion. “How do you deal with it?” he asked quietly. “Day by day. Seeing them, and knowing it’s impossible. How do you keep from going crazy or falling into despair?”
Tsuge turned from the boy to find where he tossed his shirt. He wasn’t even tired. He moved as he had prior to all this physical exertion. “Good. I’m not as much of a meathead as some idiot grandsons seem to believe.” He huffed, finally finding it and pulling it over his body. It gave him time to think. When he turned around, his face was utterly serious. “Kajimoto...how old do you think I am?” It was a serious question. He had a point to asking it too. The way he answered would give Tsuge the springboard he needed to answer that question better.
Seeing the older man put his shirt on reminded Kajimoto that his was still on a bench off to the side. He retrieved it as well, tugging it on and thinking about the question he’d been asked. It seemed like a non sequitur at this point, but he knew better than to say it was unrelated just because he couldn’t see where Tsuge-sensei was going with it. “I can’t give a definite number,” he said slowly, at length. “The best I can do is guess and say ‘older than you look, probably by a great deal’. There are signs everywhere: the tattoo on your arm; the way you use slang no one else has ever heard before; the way you heal, which makes me think that aging isn’t as much of a problem for you as it is for others. Plus what you said earlier about teaching your loved one’s grandkids, when you don’t really look old enough for that.” The puppeteer shrugged. “At a guess, old enough to have served in the second world war. Other than that? No idea.”
Smart boy. He moved to sit on the bench and lean against his knees. “I’m 92.” It was said as a fact. “And there is a reason why I asked you. Because you asked me how I can live with it. How I can watch it without going crazy. How I can just not want to curl in a hole and die. It’s because I’m very old. I’ve seen and done things I’d never wish on my worst enemy. I’ve lived long enough to see the world pass me by. I know, I know without a doubt that I can never have that. Even if I want it. Even if I would give my right arm to have a shot, I won’t. Because she deserves more than I can give her. She deserves someone she can grow old with.” It was the same argument he had given himself almost 60 years ago. “So, I can endure it. Because I have to. Because I have no other choice. I can’t steal away her happiness, trapping her in my eternity. It’s not despair I feel. It’s resolve. I resolve to support them, even if I would rather stab myself in the chest and rip my own heart out. Because he makes her happy and she makes him happy.”
He looked at the boy. “And I’ve lived long enough to know that love will come again. If not this time, then the next. Rejections happen. Cry and feel pain and it will make you stronger in the end. Because you know what it’s like to be in love. So you can feel it again when the time is right. Until then, you can pine away. He is probably no stranger to people crushing on him. He is attractive, for a flatfoot.”
Kajimoto plopped down on the bench next to the teacher, unusually graceless in his current state. He sighed as he took in everything Tsuge-sensei had to say. He couldn’t imagine what it must be like. To live that long, and watch everyone you care about grow old and die while you stayed the same. It might not be actual immortality, but it seemed like it was the next closest thing. And Kajimoto had never been foolish enough to think that ‘living forever’ was a good thing. But to meet someone who was not only having to deal with it, but had kept his sanity and even his humanity in the face of something like that... The puppet master shook his head. “You’re a lot stronger than I am,” he said thoughtfully.
And that applied to his view on letting go of someone you loved, because you weren’t right for them and someone else made them happy. And even though Kajimoto knew the man was right, it was still hard to let go of the dream. It was easier not hearing that he should just get over it and move on. His stubborn heart might be able to forget some day, but it would take time. And he knew he’d cry at least one more time, when Saitou-sensei let him down. But he wouldn’t go seeking that rejection immediately.
Sighing, the brunet rolled his shoulders, before curiosity pointed out one thing he hadn’t heard from the teacher. Cutting his eyes to the blond instructor beside him, he asked, “So can I ask who ‘she’ is? The ‘now’ one, not the ‘then’ one whose grandkids are here at school.”
He chuckled. It was a strange sound from him. “We are brothers in misery.” He pointed out. “It’s worse because she was my student once. I saw her grow up. She’s grown into a real firebrand.” He did have a type it seemed. He tended to be attracted to women who didn’t take flack and didn’t get cowed by him and his personality. “But I suppose I can’t help it. Saori is just managed to worm her way in.” He sighed and looked at the ceiling. “She doesn’t know and I hope she never does. Besides, I’m sure our lovely counselor's only interest in me if professional. No canoodling for us.” He didn’t even bother pointing out the age difference. He didn’t think he’d need to explain that again.
Kajimoto winced automatically when he heard the name. Oops, and he’d just badmouthed the counselor too, hadn’t he? But Tsuge-sensei had a point. In a strange way, the two of them were connected. The two they loved... were interested in each other. It was a rather sad joke on the two of them, wasn’t it? Like something out of a cheesy movie. Only he had a feeling there would be no last-minute revelation that those two loved them back. No happy ending here. Just reality and going on with their lives the best they could. The puppeteer sighed as well, then stood. His legs threatened to send him sprawling for a moment, but held. He turned and gave the teacher the best bow he could with his muscles aching.
“Thank you, sensei,” he said. He didn’t say for what, but it applied to many things. For taking time to help a frustrated student. For not belittling me at any point. For offering yourself up as a punching bag, because even if you heal fast it had to have hurt a little. For forcing me to tell you, because I needed to tell someone. For letting me cry when I needed to. For not laughing. For understanding. For opening up to me in return, like you considered me an equal. For telling me what I need to hear, whether it was what I wanted or not. For not telling me all of the trite things you could have said just to get me to shut up.
Thank you for everything.
Tsuge just nodded his head a little in return and gave the boy a smile. The same one he had worn on the course. The one that made him look like a doting grandfather instead of a hard ass PE instructor. “Think nothing of it, Kajimoto. Just glad I could help.”
What: man to man talks
When: July 1st
Where: the school’s gym
Rating: PG-ish for language?
The large blond shifted a few things around in the gym. He had a few mats out and a punching bag still needed hung. He also had some weights that needed put away. For the moment, he left them out. He left them out because he was expecting someone. He was expecting a young man. One of the students.
He had made the offer to help him work through whatever was eating at him. He didn’t know what it was, but he was rather fond of the puppet-master and his strange little toys. He wasn’t a counselor. That was Shiba’s job. However, he had something Shiba didn’t. Years of experience as a man. He was sure whatever was bothering Kajimoto, he would find a way to help him through it. That or sweat him out so much that he couldn’t think about it for a little bit. For now, he just waited for the kid to show.
Kajimoto strolled into the gym, not sure what to expect. He’d been stressed out to the point of snapping at other people, which was inexcusable to him. He was supposed to focus on keeping his cool, but even yoga wasn’t helping. In fact, given the reason he was so frustrated, Yoga Club was making it worse. Sighing, he wondered if what Tsuge-sensei was offering would actually help or not. There seemed to be a multitude of items around, and the puppeteer raised an eyebrow as he came within earshot of the blond man.
“I’m here. So what exactly are you offering here, and how is it going to help?” Because whatever it was, he was willing to give it a shot. By now, he was even having trouble keeping his dolls going because of his emotional state. Which was helpful to know, but still annoying.
The old marine turned from his preparations when he heard the other’s voice. Kajimoto was there. And right on time too. He approved of punctuality. Even if they never decided what time they were actually going to meet.
He strode towards the dollmaster and stopped to loom just slightly over him. “Well, it’s like this. Sometimes, when there are things bothering us, we talk them out. But sometimes talking isn’t worth squidoo. Those times, I have just the ticket. You and I are going to enjoy one of my usual workouts. I’m going to sweat you until you can’t think anymore. Then it’ll all be Jake.” He sounded positively joyful (for Tsuge) about the idea. He didn’t often have anyone to work out with him. Most couldn’t keep up. Weights, multiple stations for physical things like sit up and push ups and pull ups, the bag to punch, and then the running. He had an obstacle course that he was certain he could push Kajimoto through, all in the hope of sweating out whatever the underlying problem was.
“And if that doesn’t fly, then you can always take a crack at me. I’ve played punching bag before and unlike with some people, I promise I won’t hit back.” Mostly because he was certain that Kajimoto wouldn’t be able to withstand a blow from him.
Kajimoto said nothing for a moment, just raised an eyebrow at the tall man and thought through what Tsuge-sensei had said. Well, what he’d understood of it, anyway. Working himself to exhaustion so he didn’t have the energy to think or worry? That was one way to help. It was a temporary fix, of course. The problem would still be present when he woke up, sore and stiff from overdoing it. But for a while he’d be distracted, then worn out, then distracted again. And he wouldn’t be stressing out and getting himself tied in knots over the situation. A patch job, but better than nothing, which was what he had to work with now. Because he was NOT going to Shiba-sensei about this.
After a moment of consideration, weighing the pros and cons, Kajimoto nodded. “Okay. I’m not an Olympic athlete-- I doubt I’ll be able to do more than barely keep up with you. I might surprise myself this time, but for now we’ll concentrate on that.” He rolled his shoulders, looking around. “So what’s first?” Probably some type of warm-up before they got to actual exercise.
Tsuge waited for the decision. He nodded a little. He was glad that the boy decided to do this. Maybe, he could help. He did like helping. He might be very old fashioned in the way he dealt with things but at the same time, sometimes that was what was needed. “Understood. I will only push you as hard as I think you can handle.” Which was quite a lot. He liked to show the students that they were capable of a lot more than they thought they were.
“First, we need to stretch, because we’re going for a nice leisurely jog around the campus.” The entire campus. It wouldn’t be leisurely either. He would set the pace and ensure that the boy could keep up. “I understand that your ability will make you a lot more limber than I, so we will have to pay more attention so that you don’t get hurt.”
Nodding, Kajimoto began doing the same kinds of beginning stretches he did to warm up for yoga club. He wasn’t sure what stretching Tsuge-sensei liked to do, but this was good for getting his entire body ready to move, not just certain muscle sets. He stretched carefully, but still managed to contort himself in ways that most human beings couldn’t. While it was only his joints, he still liked being able to do it, and he especially liked not having to hide it from others.
The entire routine took approximately 10 minutes. He focused more on his legs than his upper body, though he didn’t neglect his core or his arms. He knew there was more to running than using his feet. Still, he had to wonder as he stood. would he end up sore tomorrow? How hard would the blond man push? Kajimoto nodded as he stood, then rolled his neck a little. “do you think I need any more stretching, or are we good to go?” Because he was starting to get antsy again. Yoga stretching reminded the puppeteer of him-- something he didn’t want to think of now.
He did a rudimentary form of stretching. He didn’t really care or worry about getting hurt. It wasn’t a possibility for him. Instead, he focused on thinking of all the ways he was going to tire this kid out. He ended long before Kajimoto did and just watched him, arms crossed over his chest. “No. I think it’s all Jake now, kid. Any longer and it’ll eat up sunlight. Can’t lollygag all day.” With that, he led out of the gym and looked over his shoulder. “Just follow me and try to keep up.”
Then he was off, setting a rather surprising pace for a man his age. His path would lead to the obstacle course and there, he would add things, like pullups and pushups and sit up. Just like the Marine training he’d been through 60 some years ago. He only looked back every once in a while to make sure he wasn’t leaving the boy behind.
Kajimoto took off after the teacher, quickly regulating his breathing and movements so he wouldn’t tire out too quickly. He kept a small distance between the two of them, though, to be able to take in his surroundings as they went. Outside it was a bright and sunny day. The weather had warmed up a great deal since his arrival at the school. Now the days were hot, but he didn’t mind. The heat invigorated him. For now, he could keep up with Tsuge-sensei’s pace with no problem.
For now. Tsuge picked up the pace once they reached his little obstacle course. He attacked the course with a relish. One day, he would have Taki or maybe Shiba time him. He would set a time for the student to try and beat. Those who did...he would think of some sort of reward system, since atta-boys weren’t really modern currency when it came to the kids.
As he scaled and dropped to the other side of a small wall, he considered his next course of action with the puppet master. Doing his set of 500 situps on the other side of the wall, he asked, “Kajimoto, have you ever engaged in fistacuffs?”
Kajimoto was much slower than Tsuge-sensei when they hit the obstacle course. He focused on every challenge the course presented, not wanting to fall flat on his face. It took him a few moments to catch up to the teacher, especially after clambering awkwardly over the wall, but he immediately joined in the situps. He wasn’t the type to slack off, especially over something he’d instigated. Tsuge-sensei was doing him a favor here, so the puppeteer would do his best.
The question startled him for a second, but then the reason for it became clear. “No, but not because of a lack of interest. My anger has always been a white-hot rage, but I’ve kept enough sense to force it down and avoid unleashing it. I’d even say it scares me a little, because it washes over me so suddenly. I never knew what I was capable of doing, so I always shoved it down and did my best to not resort to physical violence even when I really wanted to. Hence the yoga and meditation, which has helped some.”
Tsuge stopped what he was doing to listen to the boy. He could only shake his head. He understood, very very well. “Kajimoto...I understand better than you know.” There was a reason why there were times that Tsuge suddenly locked himself away, like with what happened with his car. “I know just what anger can do.” He didn’t know if he wanted to tell the boy exactly why. He was certain his berserker tendencies were legendary at the school, as he had been there for so long. “But with me, you don’t have to worry. So today, instead of keeping it bottled up, I want you to let it out. I promise you, I can take it.” But first, they had to get through the rest of the course.
Kajimoto stopped doing sit-ups and turned to the instructor. Everyone knew about Tsuge-sensei’s temper from rumors, though no specific incidents had ever been mentioned. It had alway been vague things padded with speculation, so he’d never given it too much thought. Every school had at least one teacher that the students were a little afraid of simply because they were no-nonsense, hard-nosed types that were willing to call students on their bullshit when it was necessary. If Tuge-sensei was saying what he thought he was saying, though, maybe there’d been some truth to the rumors after all. For a moment, Takahisa was actually a little worried. But the PE teacher had always been incredibly calm (if sarcastic and blunt) in the time that the puppet master had known him. So it was possible-- no, likely-- that he had damn good self-control. Even sparring should be okay, then. Nodding to himself in satisfaction, he simply said, “Understood, sensei. I’ll try to be a challenge to you,” and left it at that as he went back to his sit-ups.
He finished his long before Kajimoto and then counted the rest. He didn’t have to match him, but it was nice to see a student trying so hard. Most students would have just rolled their eyes at him and told him what he was demanding was impossible. “Well, we’ll make it back there in two shakes.” Well as soon as they cleared his course. A high physical course that could even tire the best marine. He was certain that the puppetmaster could handle it. He had done well so far.
The large blond was certain that this whole plan was working. He had already gotten the boy to tell him about his anger. Maybe, with enough prodding, he could get to the bottom of the rest of it. Shiba could eat her heart out! Sometimes, even he could do something right. 80 plus years of experience were worth at least something. “This way then. Let’s get a wiggle on.”
Kajimoto finished his last sit-up and stood to follow behind the instructor. Already he was starting to sweat from the exertion. But he refused to complain. He’d asked for this, he couldn’t say anything negative now that he was getting it. Instead, he focused on fighting his way through the rest of the course. Rope obstacles, swinging obstacles he had to avoid, the grown-up equivalent of monkey bars. A few times he faltered or did something not-quite-right. When that happened, he forced himself to go back and do it again until he got it right. He still managed to make his way through every one in good time, if a good bit slower than Tsuge-sensei. When they reached the end he stopped long enough to catch his breath. Even with the good shape he was in, this wasn’t a cakewalk. Which was exactly what he wanted. To be too exhausted to even think. Finally straightening back up when his panting had eased, he looked the teacher in the eye. “Okay, what next?”
Tsuge wasn’t even panting. He wasn’t even sweating. He looked like he had been taking a walk. He actually smiled. The smile of a doting grandfather, proud of a grandson. It was short lived, there and then gone back to his usual serious look. “Now, we run again. All the way back.” He didn’t wait either. Just effortlessly trotted back at the pace he had run out. “Once we’re back, put some gloves on and we’ll get you in the ring with me. We’ll go a few rounds.” Only it wasn’t a ring and he wouldn’t be hitting back.
Once they returned to the gym, instead of making the boy start right away, he took the chance to pull his shirt off and get gloves on. He kept his back turned, powerfully muscled form bearing the evidence of a world war, his marine tattoo still fresh as the day he had gotten it, the dates etched into his flesh for eternity. 1941 - 1945. Once he was prepared, he turned back around. “You can feel free to give me a wallop.”
Kajimoto nodded silently and jogged back behind the teacher. But he was starting to feel the strain on his body from the exercise. Grimacing, he pushed himself to keep running all the way back rather than slowing down to a walk. Several muscles were already complaining, but he forced himself to endure it. He’d just have to exercise more so he didn’t get so worn out next time. He was noticeably slower this time compared to when they’d jogged out, but he didn’t keep Tsuge-sensei waiting too long.
Once inside he took the chance to remove his shirt entirely and get himself a quick drink from the fountain. He kept moving, though, not wanting his muscles to get cold. That done, he grabbed a pair of gloves and got them on. Tsuge-sensei seemed ready as well, but the direction made Kajimoto blink a bit. “Just... haul off and hit you?” That didn’t seem very sporting.
Tsuge pointed to the side of his face. “Right there. You won’t hurt me.” He paused and then added, just so Kajimoto could understand fully, “You can’t. One of my gifts is rapid self-healing.” It was why he was in his 90s and looked just below 40 among other things. “Just imagine I’m someone you want to K.O. Maybe the person that got you all worked up from the get go?” Not the most graceful way of poking at Kajimoto, but he did what he could.
Kajimoto took a moment to process that. Huh. Well, no wonder he’d volunteered like this, then, as an outlet for the puppeteer’s anger. He was probably the best person to play punching bag out of the entire school. He was already raising his hands when Tsuge-sensei had brought up the person who’d stressed him out. He snorted and immediately dropped his hands, looking off to the side. “Hitting isn’t what I want to do to them. And most of my anger is aimed at myself anyway.”
Well, that wasn’t entirely true. Part of him was a little angry at Saitou-sensei for flirting with Shiba-sensei where he could see it and shoving it in his face how impossible his feelings were. But he knew perfectly well that it was an unreasonable anger, and he had no desire to hurt the tall man because of it. Instead, he raised his gloves again and aimed a dead serious look at the blond instructor. “Okay, I’ll pretend you’re me.” That, he could work with. Already he could feel his long-suppressed anger trying to surface. He flexed his shoulders, set his feet, and threw the first punch.
Now that was different. It also made him wonder who it was then. If Kajimoto didn’t want to hit them, what did he want to do with them? Something he needed to get to the bottom of. Especially since Kajimoto was angry at himself. “Sure thing.” He said and then took the punch. Whatever bruise that might have formed was already healing. He was certain he had hurt the boy’s hand more.
“Nice. You’ve got quite the arm. I almost felt that one.” This next one, he would block. “I don’t see why you’re so spitting mad at yourself. Can’t help certain things, can you?” So, since he didn’t know, he had to just be vague. He wasn’t good at it.
Kajimoto rolled his eye. Yes, yes, he was a yoga guy, not a boxer. His punches would definitely fall under the category of “light stings” to the man in front of him. He backed up mentally, making sure his footing and posture were a little better this time, and took a moment to really size up the instructor. He was still fighting the anger inside and doing a decent job when Tsuge-sensei asked him why he was angry at himself. It was like flipping a switch in the normally calm and reserved young man.
He lashed out, heedless of things like form or balance. Suddenly it was an overwhelming need to hurt someone, to make them feel as miserable as he did. He gritted his teeth, alternating between his left and right fists. “‘Can’t help certain things’? That’s a weak excuse! And it wouldn’t matter anyway, if I was a better person! At least then...” he faltered, his swing missing, but he pulled himself together through sheer force of will. Tucked away the wild edges of his anger before he really let loose, and raised his hands to begin again.
He took the punches. He took them all without flinching. Each one knocking into him, causing him to jar just slightly. Causing the tags around his neck to clink together. So this was it. This was Kajimoto’s rage. He listened even as his face and chest took the hits. He was certain that one punch even drew blood from the corner of his mouth. He wondered if Kajimoto noticed his skin closing up and the evidence disappearing like it had never happened.
His eyes narrowed when it was contained again. He had to be careful. he had to pull it, just before he hit. he could do it. He took one single jab and forced himself to come up. Perhaps the distraction would get him to spill the beans. “At least what? What the hell is eating you.”
He wasn’t prepared for the older man to hit back. He should have been, he thought as he was knocked backwards. He managed, by dint of his learned balance and unnatural flexibility, to stay on his feet. But now he could feel the anger rising again, and he couldn’t hold it back as he took another swing at the teacher. And another, and another. The blows fell quickly now, as though someone else was moving his body. As if he was the puppet instead of the puppeteer.
“At least if I was a better person I could let it go, instead of holding onto it when I know it’s impossible! I wouldn’t resent him when it’s not his fault! Why would he...” He faltered again, his fists coming to rest on Tsuge-sensei’s chest. He could see the wounds healing even as he stood there, his sides heaving from the physical and emotional strain. Tears stung his eyes. But no, he still couldn’t let himself go that far. He still couldn’t say it. He moved back, fear evident in his eyes. “What are you doing? Why are you provoking me like this?”
Him? So it was about someone else? Each blow healed as quickly as it was given and finally, the hand just rested, against his chest. Against the tags that rested there before it was gone and the boy was backing away. Fear? He was used to seeing that. He was used to hearing screams of “OH GOD! GET HOLD OF YOURSELF!” to accompany it before those screams turned to pain.
“Because it’s eating you alive. You need to let it out. You need to tell someone. You need to say it. Trust me, boy. There is nothing you can say that’ll surprise me. Nothing. So I want you to say it. Let it out. Or I’ll keep going until you do. I’d rather not do that. It won’t be healthy for you. It’s already not healthy now. So, take a swing, play me some chin music and tell me who is it. Who is this he and what has he done that’s got your knickers in a twist.”
Kajimoto started laughing, but there was a bitter edge to it. Tell someone? Tell this macho man, who would sneer and laugh at him for letting something like this get to him? Furious, and still afraid of seeing that disgust or superiority on the blond man’s face, Kajimoto launched himself forward again, hitting as fast and as hard as he could. The way the wounds healed right before his eyes only made him angrier. His vision was beginning to go red with the haze as he pummeled Tsuge-sensei’s face and chest.
“Tell someone?! Tell them that I’m so stupid I not only fell in love with a teacher, but a straight guy as well? Tell someone it hurts like nothing I’ve ever felt before just to watch him flirt with that damn counselor, because I’m selfish and I hate her and I want him even though I know he’d never go for me even if I wasn’t a student and a guy?!” He was panting now, but the floodgates were open and he couldn’t stop the outpouring of words. “I hate it! And I hate myself because I damn well know it’ll never happen and I still fight against that impossibility like an IDIOT!!”
And there it was. The answer to it all. Young love. Of course. Love and jealousy and the realization that you’d never, never be the right person. He knew that. He knew that better than anyone. He let himself be hit and approached, stepping into each and every punch. He didn’t care. He could take it. He knew what he was doing. He wasn’t very good at this, but at least he’d give it a shot.
One last punch to the face and Tsuge was on Kajimoto. His strong arms going around him in a rather strong hug, not caring how much he was getting hurt. “I understand.” he murmured. “It hurts. It’s like your heart is getting ripped from your chest and stamped on when you see them together. You tell yourself you’re the better choice and then in the next breath, you remind yourself why you aren’t.” He sighed again and admitted softly, “You aren’t the only one who’s felt this. But you shouldn’t hate yourself for it. Love is love, even if they can never return it. Even if you can never tell them.” He swallowed a little and let go, feeling a bit awkward now. “The hurt will fade, Kajimoto. Somewhat. But it won’t ever go away because heartbreak can’t be healed that easily. Not then...not even now.” Because he was on the other end of that. He cared for Shiba in a way he had only cared for one other person. One that he had allowed to be taken from him. He was going to allow it a second time. “All we can do is be happy for them. Even if all we want to do is steal them away.”
Tears burned in his eyes, and he had no defenses left. He was wrapped in arms like steel bands that wouldn’t allow him to either push the man away or run. And even when the arms dropped, he had no strength to move away. One sob broke free, and then another, as he leaned forward and let it spill out. “I-I want to be happy for him. I know he would never choose me. I’m just a... just a kid to him, just someone in a club he manages and in a class he teaches. But no matter how many times I tell myself that, I still find myself hoping that it could happen, that maybe he could. And I know that if he did I’d be so damn happy.
“But I’m too scared of finding out once and for all. I don’t want to give up that hope, so I keep it to myself and don’t tell anyone, even when it’s eating me up inside and I panic every time I think about having to be close to him. And even though he knows something’s up now, and he knows I have feelings for someone, I don’t want to tell him. I just... can’t.” And maybe he was a coward and an idiot, but it was how he felt. Part of him wondered, though, if Tsuge-sensei was in the same boat. Now that he thought about it, it sounded like he was.
He reached out and lightly put a hand upon the boy’s head. A fond gesture and one a lot easier than hugging. He let the boy cry. He let the lad do what he could never do. Not even when Nobara died and he had sat at her grave and considered trying to find a way to end it all. “That’s because you’re a good person. So you worry. And I know. I could tell you that age is just a number, but I would be lying.” It was his reason for not going after Shiba now. He was old enough to be her father...no...her grandfather! “But that’s no reason to hate yourself.” He took a small breath and murmured, “I’ll lose her again. I’m not happy about that, but I understand...it’s just how it is. You can still love him though. You’re allowed to feel what you feel, right? No one can make you feel anything else. If they do, I’ll really do a number on them.” He protected his students were and when he could.
“Now, lets take a little breath.” He coaxed. He wished he was better at this. The marines never trained him for this.
Kajimoto stopped crying long enough to look up at the teacher. Yes, there was understanding in his eyes, not boredom or superiority or anything else he’d feared he’d see. Someone who understood, who’d been there before... and was there now? From the things he murmured, it seemed so. It was mind-boggling to the puppet master for a moment. To think that this hardened man, this drill sergeant of a PE teacher, could have tender feelings for someone else. But that thought was unworthy as well as unkind, he realized. Everyone had a heart. And anyone could fall for someone, common sense be damned.
He sighed and took a step back, struggling to regain his former aloofness. The occasional sniffle didn’t really help, but he fought to push his emotions back down to a manageable level. “Logically, I know that’s all true. But... every time I see him, logic flies out the window and I’m left with a-a-a fight between joy and fear, hope and despair. I know I should just tell him and get the rejection over with, but I also know I’ll never have the courage. So I feel caught, stalled and frustrated, and it grows whenever I see him paying attention to someone else.”
That wouldn’t do. He reached out again, this time to clap the boy’s arm. “I know. And if you tell them, and they say no, it will hurt even more. So instead you say nothing. You say nothing and watch your best friend run away with your best girl for a second time. And in 40 or 50 years, I’ll teach their grandchildren.” It wasn’t a guess but a statement of fact. Time had nearly stopped for him. In 50 years, he might be pushing 50 by his appearance.
“You don’t need courage. You just need to be able to express things like you did right now. You shoved that load off to someone else. Someone else shares the weight now. Don’t you feel even slightly better now? Besides, you’re still a young buck. First loves are last loves. In 20 years, you’ll find someone who you love that loves you back and it’ll all be Jake.”
Kajimoto snorted a half-laugh at the teacher. It sounded like someone else was living with a rather large burden himself, and had just taken the opportunity to unload a little on someone else. But the brunet could hardly blame him. It was an even trade, misery for misery. He wasn’t sure if he believed the bit about finding someone else to love him, though. At this point, he couldn’t wrap his head around the idea of caring for anyone but Saitou-sensei. Still. Taking stock of himself, he had to nod at the question. “Yes, I do. Thank you for that.”
He pulled the gloves off, flexing his fingers a bit before letting his head tip backward as he took stock of his body. Quite a few muscles were screaming at him now, most likely because of the way he’d hauled off and started wailing on the blond man like his life depended on it. But he was expended, mentally and physically, exactly like he’d wanted to be. It had taken more than he expected to get here, but he’d done it. He took another deep breath, feeling the last of his anger slip away in the wake of his exhaustion. “How do you deal with it?” he asked quietly. “Day by day. Seeing them, and knowing it’s impossible. How do you keep from going crazy or falling into despair?”
Tsuge turned from the boy to find where he tossed his shirt. He wasn’t even tired. He moved as he had prior to all this physical exertion. “Good. I’m not as much of a meathead as some idiot grandsons seem to believe.” He huffed, finally finding it and pulling it over his body. It gave him time to think. When he turned around, his face was utterly serious. “Kajimoto...how old do you think I am?” It was a serious question. He had a point to asking it too. The way he answered would give Tsuge the springboard he needed to answer that question better.
Seeing the older man put his shirt on reminded Kajimoto that his was still on a bench off to the side. He retrieved it as well, tugging it on and thinking about the question he’d been asked. It seemed like a non sequitur at this point, but he knew better than to say it was unrelated just because he couldn’t see where Tsuge-sensei was going with it. “I can’t give a definite number,” he said slowly, at length. “The best I can do is guess and say ‘older than you look, probably by a great deal’. There are signs everywhere: the tattoo on your arm; the way you use slang no one else has ever heard before; the way you heal, which makes me think that aging isn’t as much of a problem for you as it is for others. Plus what you said earlier about teaching your loved one’s grandkids, when you don’t really look old enough for that.” The puppeteer shrugged. “At a guess, old enough to have served in the second world war. Other than that? No idea.”
Smart boy. He moved to sit on the bench and lean against his knees. “I’m 92.” It was said as a fact. “And there is a reason why I asked you. Because you asked me how I can live with it. How I can watch it without going crazy. How I can just not want to curl in a hole and die. It’s because I’m very old. I’ve seen and done things I’d never wish on my worst enemy. I’ve lived long enough to see the world pass me by. I know, I know without a doubt that I can never have that. Even if I want it. Even if I would give my right arm to have a shot, I won’t. Because she deserves more than I can give her. She deserves someone she can grow old with.” It was the same argument he had given himself almost 60 years ago. “So, I can endure it. Because I have to. Because I have no other choice. I can’t steal away her happiness, trapping her in my eternity. It’s not despair I feel. It’s resolve. I resolve to support them, even if I would rather stab myself in the chest and rip my own heart out. Because he makes her happy and she makes him happy.”
He looked at the boy. “And I’ve lived long enough to know that love will come again. If not this time, then the next. Rejections happen. Cry and feel pain and it will make you stronger in the end. Because you know what it’s like to be in love. So you can feel it again when the time is right. Until then, you can pine away. He is probably no stranger to people crushing on him. He is attractive, for a flatfoot.”
Kajimoto plopped down on the bench next to the teacher, unusually graceless in his current state. He sighed as he took in everything Tsuge-sensei had to say. He couldn’t imagine what it must be like. To live that long, and watch everyone you care about grow old and die while you stayed the same. It might not be actual immortality, but it seemed like it was the next closest thing. And Kajimoto had never been foolish enough to think that ‘living forever’ was a good thing. But to meet someone who was not only having to deal with it, but had kept his sanity and even his humanity in the face of something like that... The puppet master shook his head. “You’re a lot stronger than I am,” he said thoughtfully.
And that applied to his view on letting go of someone you loved, because you weren’t right for them and someone else made them happy. And even though Kajimoto knew the man was right, it was still hard to let go of the dream. It was easier not hearing that he should just get over it and move on. His stubborn heart might be able to forget some day, but it would take time. And he knew he’d cry at least one more time, when Saitou-sensei let him down. But he wouldn’t go seeking that rejection immediately.
Sighing, the brunet rolled his shoulders, before curiosity pointed out one thing he hadn’t heard from the teacher. Cutting his eyes to the blond instructor beside him, he asked, “So can I ask who ‘she’ is? The ‘now’ one, not the ‘then’ one whose grandkids are here at school.”
He chuckled. It was a strange sound from him. “We are brothers in misery.” He pointed out. “It’s worse because she was my student once. I saw her grow up. She’s grown into a real firebrand.” He did have a type it seemed. He tended to be attracted to women who didn’t take flack and didn’t get cowed by him and his personality. “But I suppose I can’t help it. Saori is just managed to worm her way in.” He sighed and looked at the ceiling. “She doesn’t know and I hope she never does. Besides, I’m sure our lovely counselor's only interest in me if professional. No canoodling for us.” He didn’t even bother pointing out the age difference. He didn’t think he’d need to explain that again.
Kajimoto winced automatically when he heard the name. Oops, and he’d just badmouthed the counselor too, hadn’t he? But Tsuge-sensei had a point. In a strange way, the two of them were connected. The two they loved... were interested in each other. It was a rather sad joke on the two of them, wasn’t it? Like something out of a cheesy movie. Only he had a feeling there would be no last-minute revelation that those two loved them back. No happy ending here. Just reality and going on with their lives the best they could. The puppeteer sighed as well, then stood. His legs threatened to send him sprawling for a moment, but held. He turned and gave the teacher the best bow he could with his muscles aching.
“Thank you, sensei,” he said. He didn’t say for what, but it applied to many things. For taking time to help a frustrated student. For not belittling me at any point. For offering yourself up as a punching bag, because even if you heal fast it had to have hurt a little. For forcing me to tell you, because I needed to tell someone. For letting me cry when I needed to. For not laughing. For understanding. For opening up to me in return, like you considered me an equal. For telling me what I need to hear, whether it was what I wanted or not. For not telling me all of the trite things you could have said just to get me to shut up.
Thank you for everything.
Tsuge just nodded his head a little in return and gave the boy a smile. The same one he had worn on the course. The one that made him look like a doting grandfather instead of a hard ass PE instructor. “Think nothing of it, Kajimoto. Just glad I could help.”