Can't Sleep..
Hey guys. It's 2:20 AM and I don't know why & the heck I'm not sleeping. I just can't get to sleep. There's so much stuff running through my head & it won't leave me alone. It's been like this for 3 or 4 nights and I am about fed up with it. I think I'm sick..my nose is all stuffy and I can bearly breathe. It's been like that for a couple days too. I just want to feel alright again. Gah! I don't know what's wrong with me. :( I feel like such a Failure because I'm not accomplishing any of my goals. At all. I need to Bible Study every day but I just don't know where to begin; the Bible's so big and has so many books I just don't know where to start. I feel like such a bad Christian. How can I lead people to God if I don't even know His Word myself? I know it takes time to know and understand the Bible, you can't just know everything in one month. Let alone a year. There's so many different fields and issues that are covered in the Bible that if you just read it to read it you're bound to miss something huge. Having a constant Bible study was just one of my goals though. I also want to be Healthy. I'm Fat and I know it. Looking back at old pictures...even ones from this year I can tell I've lost a lot of weight but it's still not enough. I need to lose about 10-15 more pounds before I'll be happy with myself. I don't know why I'm so hard on myself about my appearance, I shouldn't care what others think. I guess it's just the human nature to strive for perfection. ::sigh:: I just don't know. A lot of things have been bothering me lately. Like stupid simple issues that shouldn't even matter. For example..My Stupid Cell phone..the charger I had to buy isn't an authentic one because I just ran up to Walgreens. And it's been working fine but now my phone doesn't show its battery meter and when it's charging it won't let me turn my phone off. Also, when it's charging the battery icon is supposed to flash. Well, its not. And the stupid back light...like where the clock is on the front of my phone is on when it's charging. And it ticks me off because I keep thinking someone's calling or texting me because they need me. :( Even though it's the begining of the Summer and I still have 2 full months left to read Crime and Punishment I'm still freting over it because I haven't started reading it yet. Next year I have 4 AP classes...mind you I've never taken a single one up until now. Only Honors. So I'm so worried about it it's not even funny. I'm sure none of you are going to read this far so I don't see the point in typing anymore. I'm also very worried about my SAT and ACT. I sucked on the SAT, though it was only my first time. I need to work on my reading comprehension and I think I'll do alright. I need to get a 28 (ACT) or a 1270 (SAT) in order to receive my 100% scholarship..I don't think I can make it. I got a 970 on the SAT. Teachers told me the Chances of me bringing up my score 300 points are very slim. Basically told me to give up. Although, there was one nice adult that told me to try the ACT. So yeah that's what I am going to do. To see which test I can score better on. You see why I can't sleep? I am so worried about Failure that it's taking over my life. :( I hate it. I hate this feeling. It's like I can see myself climbing up a wall...and almost reaching the top and having someone or something push me down and make me Fail. I sent Josh a message just seeing how he was doing...and he replied that he was doing alright and just working his life away..sound good so far, right? Oh no. He had to go and say that he wasn't kidding about wanting me back and that he is just afraid of my Dad. WTH. Why would he say that?! He screwed me over...I was going to go back out with him this summer...like we planned...then supposidly he started dating Kelly. Once again I got screwed over. I decided that that was going to be the last time. He did it to me in 10th grade when he went out with Ashley instead of me. He led me on. Then after we broke up it happend with Alicia. Then once more he had to toy with my heart, once more he had to mess with my head. Kelly. I was the happiest girl in the world when he told me that we were going to get back together then it pushed me way back down once I heard from his best friend that he was dating Kelly. It hurt so much. Because once more I was given False hope. Once more I was given the world only to get it taken away from me. I decided I was done with the games. I've moved on. For good. No matter how much I'd like to go back with him some day I won't. I will never go through all the Lies and all the Deceit again, ever. He had me convinced that I was the cause of all of our problems..don't get me wrong he didn't tell me that. He implied it and I convinced myself. But then I realized that I wasn't the cause of everything that went wrong in that relationship. It was partially his fault too. He never told me what I did to make him sad or upset...even when I'd beg. He told me, yeah. After we broke up. I offered to change and I did change. Not just for him but for myself. Then I realized that I can't just change and have our relationship alright. He has to change too. He has to stop being a Liar and learn to tell the Truth. I doubt we will ever date again. As of right now I don't want to date him. At all. Maybe when we both grow up but for now; No. I've found someone a lot better and a lot more of what I need. And I think we may hook up and I'm hoping. Wow, I have not done an entry like this since...about 5 months ago. I'm just so overwhelmed. So fed up. So done. I wish that I could be able to read the future. Doesn't everyone? I mean, I don't even know what I want to make out of myself and it scares me. I don't know what I am going to do for a living and how I will survive on my own. :( I don't want to be like my sister. She's 19..unemployeed...not going to college...drinks and smokes...has sex all the time...spends her money compulsively to where she has none. It scares me so much. I know I am completely different from my sister but you never know. My parents are leaving on Saturday...for a whole week. Melissa is staying with me. All of next week will just consist of Me, Deven :), Grant, Melissa, Brian & Jordan..I'm pretty sure. It's hard to hang out with anyone else. I mean all the people I just listed live 3 minutes away. I don't have to waste my gas to go all the way down in Sula or NSB. I can just stay in Edgewater. I feel as if I am drifting from my friends again. :( I never see Allison anymore and it makes me sad. Her work schedule and how far she lives away just makes it so hard to hang out with her...I miss her. Gah! I'm getting sad now so I am going to stop here. If you read this whole entry...thank you...it means a lot. Leave me a comment to let me know if you did. I Love you all.
Fin.
Fin.