(no subject)
Well its July. Has been for about 17 days now I guess. In about 3 weeks I'll go home, to what?
I really don't know yet. My parents for sure. Thats about it. My friends ditched me ( I would have to) I have to start this new rehab thing. My cousion is living in my room. Isn't this so fucked up?
I can't really help but laugh. Thats about all I can do. I'm over wishing that this was a just a bad mistake. I'm over wishing that I still had my place in the sun. I'm over those dreams in which Bay forgives me. Okay maybe I'm not over it yet but be side's laughing what can I do? I mean I kinda feel like I lost everything I had. Bay...well I never wanted us not to be friends. She was great, cool, we shared some times that I can't forget but what really hurts is that I lost my best friend out of this. A few posts back when I talked about Alex ...I can't say that I didn't write that from my heart it just took time to see that real meaning behind all of it. She was mad and I was mad to but she had more of a right to mad at me. Anyway I really get what I get when it comes to this. Karma's a bitch. I've been without a phone pretty much all summer. I haven't really talked to anybody but Sha. Thats a whole different ball game. I guess I'm still kinda waiting for something other than what I have now. I think back to past summers in OKC. I can remember all the new songs I found. I can remember mornings watching the music videos and getting online. Hitting my head on the top bunk. Sad...really really sad. That summer was hard and so was the one after that along with this one. I can't say that I'll just die if I don't get out of here tomorrow but I can say that I will if I don't go back to that stupid little town full of stupid little people. I wonder why I would send myself back to that place if I think so poor
of it. If I knew the answer I would be set. I can't help but think that I could very well be making a mistake. I really doubt that I am though. Its not that hard to know where you belong you just kinda have feel it.
I still get those Suicidal thoughts at times. I can't really believe I've made it to my 16th brithday. That was never the plan there for I never planed for it. Now its like I gotta think of something fast. It happens I guess. unexpected things like this. I don't know I thought I would have offed myself or died in some car crash or I don't know falling from like a 234 story building by now. Things are just moving faster than I would like, or maybe they arn't moving at all...I don't know anymore. I'm just tired to be 16. I've seen and done enough shit to last me a life time. My last day on earth would be wonderful. It really is great you know. When you feel like you won't have to live for long in this world just enough to get your stuff together, everything in order. Its nice, no worries, no problems. I would listen to my favorite songs and just call up my friends to tell them how much they ment to me. Sit in my room and think about how nice it would be if every day was the last day of our life. some would be out living it up. Some would be at home with loved ones and some would be alone thinking about everything did work out after all. I know its not right to think about those kind of things but nothing really feels right anymore. I can't go forward and I can't back. I'm stuck and sometimes I'm lost. I don't know how it got so bad I just don't know if anything can save me. I can't just tell people to get over it cause that is never gonna happen. I can't tell them I love them and to be strong that isn't the right way either. I keep thinking that everything will be wonderful some day. Like that song. Wonderful by that one band. Everclear I think.
I think my life was a mistake. I really do. I shouldn't be me...this person. I should be somebody else. Well maybe thats just stupid but I wish it wasn't. I can remember so much when I wanna die. Like all the good times and thats all thats left. When I feel like I could really do it the good times are backing me up some how. LIke I could have all that stuff back if I did this. I know thats not the case but I've been happy and I've been sad. I dont' really know whats next. I'm not freaking out or anything just kinda thinking really. My brain was to full. My thoughts started to run together and crash and brun and it was to much to take anymore. If I just stuck around a little longer everything would work it self out. I know what that means. I just think that working things out on my own isn't such a bad idea. Life isn't prefect but I don't know if I can live like this. Odd but this has been one of my happier post's.