(no subject)
its amazing...the holiday seasons have sucked for so long that now i feel shitty and depressed without actually having a reason yet. i dont really feel like crawling out of bed in the mornings, once im at school, i just want to go home, and its damn near impossible to be my usual hyper-active self around my friends. i'm pissing people off because i m not being perky..i cant fucking help it..the holidays are the biggest reason i started drinking...now they will probably be the reason i become an alcoholic. i hate the holidays. i try to enjoy them, and i really have no reason to feel all emo. i have friends. my family isnt yelling at me/kicking me out/ignoring me, i should be happy. i've just gotten so used to the holidays being the worst part of the year that now i automatically feel crappy. i just kind of want to hide in my room and disappear til its time to go back to school after the break. My birthday's comming up. i should be excited, i think. ana wants to take me to a club that isnt an "all age" club. Probably not going to happen because amanda got all pissed off that we were going to do something that she couldn't do. She went on a rant about how stupid it was that we wanted to go do something that wouldnt involve her..never mind that its my birthday..that didnt have anything to do with it, she was just mad we were going to hang out without her. Its like she can run off and do shit with other people that doesnt involve ana or myself, but god forbid we should do something with out her. i love amanda, really i do, i love my friends, but she acts so much like a spoiled little princess sometimes that i just want to smack her and tell her to get over herself.Ugh...yeah, im being a bitch..oh well. i'm usually pretty good about dealing with everyone else. I listen and play therapist and try to help everyone out. ive accepted that i will probably be doing it til i die.dont get me wrong..i dont mind helping people...it's just that they get so used to it that they forget that i'm me, and that sometimes i want to be selfish too..again, i know i'm being a bitch, however, i'm human. as much as my friends do mean a lot to me, i have my own problems too..granted they arent any bigger than anyone elses problems, just the usual drama, still, i have my own issues to deal with..dealing with theirs is something i choose to do, not that i'm required to do. i like hanging out with my friends, but i dont want to hang out with everyone all together all the time..sometimes i want to hang out with certain people and not others... using amanda as an example..i hang out with ehr almost every day after school, i'm usually with her on weekends too. she's great, but i'd really like to hang out with other people without her. she doesnt understand me, which is odd, considering usually my problems are about the same as hers. and yet when i react the same way she did, im being stupid, or over reacting or should just give up. im just going to go back to not telling anyone any of my problems...i'll figure out another way to let them go..screw "talking" about it.well whatever...this was just supposed to be about the holidays sucking then i started thinking of everything else that has been pissing me off. there's more still but eh..fuck it.