(no subject)
i hung out with some friends from high school tonight, and it was so much fun, just chatting and reminiscing about school, and making fun of the people we didnt like, and what people have become baby factories.... hahah
and it was just a good night all around. we need to do this more often!
and im a college graduate now, woohoo!! are you very proud of me? i am.
and this seems really random but, ive been thinking about it for a long time. well, at least a few weeks. so my dad died 3 months, 2 weeks and 6 days ago. i could probably count the hours if you wanted me to, but im not going to bore you too much. so here is what ive been thinking about: im generally happy with my life, i havent spent the past few months crying all the time, railing at god and everyone. (any railing ive done was quiet, and in the privacy of my own bedroom and when no one else was around) im a happy person, i just always have been. i expected to bawl at graduation bc my dad couldnt be there, but i didnt. i was happy, i was graduating with honors, i was getting an award, and my family was there.
so what ive been thinking is, what the hell is wrong with me??? there has to be something wrong with me! otherwise i would be more affected by my dads death than i am. i would be changed somehow, more somber, or more wild, or more motivated to do something meaningful. but im not, its like this majorly traumatic thing has happened, and it affected me for a short time, and now im ok again. even tonight, i was like, "hey, you guys dont know this but my dad died a few months ago," and the conversation just moves on... its like saying, "hey, what do you guys think about my new hair color?"
i know at graduation part of it was me ignoring it, just blocking it out so that i wouldnt cry and ruin the day for everyone else. but every other day, am i just in denial? or have i accepted it? or is the worst yet to come? im concerned that the worst is yet to come, because i think ive been dealing rather well so far, and that one day its going to hit me, and im just going to shut down. Amanda, what is your take on this?
and by the way, im home this week, so we need to get together! call me, 228-5068
and my stupid grandpa. he was in the hospital going thru chemo when dad passed away, so is really sick, and hes doing really well right now, or as well as a 75 year old going thru chemo can be doing, walking all right, travelling and all that. and still he insists on talking about his "horrible sickness, and imminent death from cancer" to almost everyone he meets! i jsut want to shout at him, "you are so fucking lucky to be alive, you have something that is treatable, and IS being treated, you have lived with cancer for 10 years, and been relatively healthy, while my father got sick, had major surgery, was diagnosed, and died, all within 4 months. i dont want to hear any more of your boo-hoo feel sorry for me SHIT!" I REFUSE to feel sorry for him that he has to have chemo once a month for the rest of his life, hes over 70, with a treatable cancer, and is still doing well. (ok, realizing that i AM affected more than i originally thought if i cant stand to hear grandpa talk about cancer)
so those were my thoughts... as random as they were.
and it was just a good night all around. we need to do this more often!
and im a college graduate now, woohoo!! are you very proud of me? i am.
and this seems really random but, ive been thinking about it for a long time. well, at least a few weeks. so my dad died 3 months, 2 weeks and 6 days ago. i could probably count the hours if you wanted me to, but im not going to bore you too much. so here is what ive been thinking about: im generally happy with my life, i havent spent the past few months crying all the time, railing at god and everyone. (any railing ive done was quiet, and in the privacy of my own bedroom and when no one else was around) im a happy person, i just always have been. i expected to bawl at graduation bc my dad couldnt be there, but i didnt. i was happy, i was graduating with honors, i was getting an award, and my family was there.
so what ive been thinking is, what the hell is wrong with me??? there has to be something wrong with me! otherwise i would be more affected by my dads death than i am. i would be changed somehow, more somber, or more wild, or more motivated to do something meaningful. but im not, its like this majorly traumatic thing has happened, and it affected me for a short time, and now im ok again. even tonight, i was like, "hey, you guys dont know this but my dad died a few months ago," and the conversation just moves on... its like saying, "hey, what do you guys think about my new hair color?"
i know at graduation part of it was me ignoring it, just blocking it out so that i wouldnt cry and ruin the day for everyone else. but every other day, am i just in denial? or have i accepted it? or is the worst yet to come? im concerned that the worst is yet to come, because i think ive been dealing rather well so far, and that one day its going to hit me, and im just going to shut down. Amanda, what is your take on this?
and by the way, im home this week, so we need to get together! call me, 228-5068
and my stupid grandpa. he was in the hospital going thru chemo when dad passed away, so is really sick, and hes doing really well right now, or as well as a 75 year old going thru chemo can be doing, walking all right, travelling and all that. and still he insists on talking about his "horrible sickness, and imminent death from cancer" to almost everyone he meets! i jsut want to shout at him, "you are so fucking lucky to be alive, you have something that is treatable, and IS being treated, you have lived with cancer for 10 years, and been relatively healthy, while my father got sick, had major surgery, was diagnosed, and died, all within 4 months. i dont want to hear any more of your boo-hoo feel sorry for me SHIT!" I REFUSE to feel sorry for him that he has to have chemo once a month for the rest of his life, hes over 70, with a treatable cancer, and is still doing well. (ok, realizing that i AM affected more than i originally thought if i cant stand to hear grandpa talk about cancer)
so those were my thoughts... as random as they were.