(no subject)
[NOTE: This might be a somewhat heavy post, so if you don't feel like reading something like this today, then skip it if you want to. It's ok. I just felt like I really needed to write this out... share what I've learned, you know? It's about guilt, regret, and the appreciation of life from death. I'm not trying to be all negative or anything like that; I don't see it as being that anyway. Sometimes thoughts come back to you and you start feeling things without ever having tried to. It's strange how that happens, but sometimes it helps to set those thoughts and feelings straight...put them somewhere... and this is how I'm doing it. And if someone reads this, and learns from a mistake I've made, and it keeps them from going through a similar experience, that'll be a really good thing. If you read this, and it gets you feeling down afterwards, don't say I didn't warn you. But uhhm...I apologize in advance if that happens, though.]
I have many regrets in life. I wonder if they'll ever stop coming back to bite me in the ass. :P It makes me want to scream, "Stop haunting me! Leave me alone, I've learned my lesson!" everytime the memories of those regrets come back into my head. A lot of those regrets come from the past, some not from too long ago, and I really have learned from my mistakes. Believe me, I'll never make them again. But everytime the thoughts of what I've done come back to me, I get this really sick feeling in my gut; like my insides are turning into a dozen different knots. That's how guilty I still feel about them.
Ah guilt... the worst feeling in the world, in my opinion. I hate feeling guilt, but I have a very strong conscious, so I'll easily feel guilty about anything. Sucks, doesn't it?
[tying in the subjects of guilt and death and the appreciation of life] A lot of times when I wake up in the mornings, I can't help but think, "This could be my last day." Then, I'll take a deep breath and slowly get up for the day. I know it's dark to say that, but I believe that sometimes you gotta think that way and have that reality check set in your mind. Otherwise, if you go on with your life carelessly or waste the valuable time that you could be sharing with the ones you love and care about, you'll regret it later when you lie on your death bed thinking about the life you could've had, or when you lose a person and didn't have a chance to say goodbye. Appreciate every minute of your life no matter how bad or dull it may be sometimes. Appreciate those people around you...the ones that are there for you and love you no matter what; the ones that make a good impact on the person you are. When you have a fight with someone, don't ever leave things unresolved, especially if the reason for fighting and being mad at each other was really nothing at all. Apologize and don't be too proud to say it.
Im not going to sit here and tell all the things in my past but i have to say , my past is what im living in. I try and get rid of it but, its always going to be there no matter how much i dont care anymore. I've gotten better with it but, its like unfinished business. Too many bad things happened and not enough good so i look at the bad instead of the good because the bad takes over. But not now. Now i look at life differently only when bad things happen i dont hold on to them. Somethings happened where i still get nightmares or scared. It doesn't go away until you do something about it. Get that bad thing back. Some pretty good things have happened lately but, until more good things happen .. i wont beable to forget the bad. You know when you lose someone , and you think you said all that you needed to say or you think you did everything right. Before my grandma died, i started spending less time with her. I wish i didn't though , because i regret it now. I know that if i just spent more times , i would have more memories with me. Sure i have 14 years. but i wanted more. I thought she'd live longer , i thought i had a few more years to drive her around and for her to beable to see me graduate highschool even though in my heart i knew she wasnt going to make it , but i still wanted her to.. i didn't and she didn't , i took time for granted and that i can never change because i can never get her back. But, atleast i have memories with my grandma. Not all can say that.
Life and death is a mysterious thing. I know it's a tough and dark subject to talk about, but it's probably not surprising coming from someone like me; someone who wants to have a career in studying crimes and death. I think I just have a fascination with the concept of life and death. I used to be really afraid to die when I was younger, but I really believe that you don't realize life until you realize death, realizing that life can be so easily taken away. The only reason I stopped being afraid of my own death was because I started to think of how I'd feel if someone else were to die, and that to me, was definitely worse.
I read an article/interview that had Angelina Jolie in it. In it, she said that when she had adopted her baby, Maddox, it made her a better person because all of a sudden, she had someone to live for. She could no longer be depressed as she used to be and be self-destructive. And she was happy living for other people. I think your life does become different when you have someone to live for, and that it does make a person happy to have someone there for them and vice versa. I really would risk my life for others. I'm not romanticizing on the idea, and am saying that I'll just go ahead and easily do that. But if I did die that way, I think I'd be ok. I'd leave this earth without regretting it.