Ahh.. Old entries make me laugh.
So throughout my worldly travels to a few.. Important, websites, I have come across ponderings.
When I first set my eyes on them, I just knew they had to be answered.
So now I will attempt the impossible, do the unimaginable, and try to answer these unanswerable questions.
Bear with me, it could VERY WELL get lame.
.:*:.If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
When you laugh, do..bodily fluids shoot out YOUR nose? Didn't think so. Well, for a few choice people it just might. *coughmarilynmansoncough* I'm not implying ANYTHING, but he got those ribs taken out for a reason, and I don't think it was so he could do pilates, if you catch my drift. Wait a minute here. Do "bodily fluids" (and you know the kind im talking about) come out of the udder? And who's to say it's a her? Isn't that a little bit sexist? I mean I know guy cows can't make milk and everything but poor lady-type cows! They don't deserve that kind of treatment! I think we should all lobby for female cow rights and maybe THEN will we be able to answer this question--once the lady-type cows are treated just like the men.
.:*:.If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
There would be a weird battle for gravity that got so intense that God was just like, "Eff you guys, no more gravity for you" so the cat would just float. And maybe if you shook some catnip by you it would float nearer to you so you could eat bits of toast off it's back as you are watching the television. Good idea.
.:*:.You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Go somewhere else and open it. Gosh that was an easy one.
.:*:.Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
There are some really rich blind people. Like helen keller for example. She was a rich biatch. I mean all those movies?! She made bank for SURE! I bet she had a huge arse black limousine. Well, scratch that. Maybe it was like bright neon green with blue stripes because hell! She can't see anyway, and I bet it's real funny seeing a blind person driving down the street in a bright green car. I bet she even had a driver that took her places like the bank. Probably minit mart or the tanning bed or something, too. Lord knows you need money for that. I bet the driver even took her to McDonalds. McDonalds is so overpriced lately. Not that Helen Keller cares, she's got enough dough to wipe her ass with. Damned blinds.
.:*:.Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
Palindromemordnilap is too hard to say. Plus, who wants to type that out all the time? Why isn't Mississippi spelled the same way backwards? Ippississim? Oh. I see. It basically says I Piss im. Well then. But I'm sure you can see my point. If words were spelled the same way backwards, what would be the point of all those satanist devil worshippers reciting the lords prayer backwards in their songs? Not a damn thing because it would be the lords prayer frontwards too. And then if all words were spelled backwards there would BE no frontwards. Or backwards. It would just be ward. And maybe then we wouldn't have such a higly evolved technological system. Anal sex at noon taxes Lana! (See, that was a Palindromemordnilap!)
.:*:.If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
If someone invented instant water, they should surely be shot. Everyone knows that water comes from Heaven. When God cries. Because you did something bad. You can't just instantize THAT. Blasphemy!
.:*:.Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
If you say monosyllabic really fast it sounds... monosyllabic. You just have to be thrifty with the way you say your words. That way you take up less air, less syllables and the world is good. What would life be like in a world of monosyllables? Let's find out.
Saul: Hi Jeb. Come to my house and eat some cream.
Jeb: No Saul. Cream to me is like a small piece of hell.
Saul: Fine Jeb, have it the way you want it. Just know that when you die it's to hell with you. right there with the cream and the sloths.
Jeb: That's fine. Just as long as i get to hang on the tree boughs like the sloth does in Ice Age.
Saul: That sloth died in the end, just like you will.
How boring is THAT? And it took me like 15 minutes to create that. Being monosyllabic is for the "Trendy" kids. Punks.
.:*:.Does a fish get cramps after eating?
I suppose if a fish had ARMS OR LEGS WITH MUSCLES IN THEM, they might get cramps after eating. But since fish only have fins and other small floaty things, I don't see them getting cramps any time soon. But maybe somewhere out there there is a fish mommy who keeps her babies out of the water for 30 minutes after they've eaten. Just long enough for me to grab those little baby son of a guns, bread em, and fry them up in my pan. Also the length of a Family Guy episode.
.:*:.Does 'virgin wool' come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet?
What a LAME ARSE pondering. Virgin wool OBVIOUSLY comes from a sheep the Rams haven't caught yet. That's like saying "Does virgin girlfriends come from the virgins the dad's haven't caught yet?" And if that's what you are thinking I'd say you have serious problems. Because if the dad is trying to catch his own daughter we've got bigger issues on our hands. Like, Does he use a net? Or, what does he feed her once he has captured her?
.:*:.What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?
Probably really sexy other sheep. Like the ones who shave their bikini line and the ones who show the most skin. I know that's what I'M counting when I go to sleep. Is it actually a bikini line if it is on a sheep? How would you ACTUALLY know where to FIND that bikini line on a sheep unless you put your bikini on it? Do you think sheep have gonorrhea? And if so, would you REALLY want to put your bikini on a sheep to find it's bikini line to dream about it? These, my friends, are the REAL questions to be answered.
.:*:.Do blind eskimoes heave seeing-eye sled dogs?
No. Blind eskimoes have BLIND sled dogs, so then they can just frolic around, crashing into trees and igloos and polar bears. And then when they are on the great sled dog race everyone just sits around and drinks coffee and laughs at those blind eskimoes and dogs because they sure do look funny running in a circle like that. Then probably the coffee drinkers leisurely get into their range rovers and cross the finish line. Because hey, those eskimoes are blind, they can't see the Range rovers anyway. But maybe the eskimoes that can see give the blind eskimoes a prize anyway, like the honorable mention. Only the prize is made from ice, so it melts once it gets inside of the blind eskimoes house. By then the blind eskimo thinks he just misplaced the prize and while he's searching for it, accidentally steps into the puddle of water made by it. Then the eskimo blames it on his blind dog, but he really shouldn't. The blind dog can't see the door to go to the bathroom anyway. It's all just a tangeled web of terror.
.:*:.If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
In my experience, mutes don't really say much of anything. Hence the word mute? But anyway, if it's a deaf person I'm pretty sure the mom makes them wash their hands anyway. What if they were at the store and they met their neighbor? And what if the deaf kid signs "hello" to the neighbor and the neighbor see's junk on his hands? That'd probably be the last time the neighbor ever considered having them for dinner. Or OVER for dinner. But mostly FOR dinner, because widowed neighbors are usually plump and make dinner alot. And the neighbor would probably still be hungry after eating her dinner and start in on the mutes dinner. Because hell, he doesn't really move all that much. He just waggles his fingers around a bit every now and then, he doesn't need the energy anyway. The neighbor definitely thinks she needs more food because she puts out more energy. Not "puts out" as in does the hibbity dibbity because everyone knows widows are like the spiders of the same name. They like to eat their lovers. They like to eat their lovers just like the neighbor likes to eat her mute little boy neighbors. Widowed neighbors are a terrifying thing.
.:*:.Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
If you yelled at them, they may cower in your presence. Maybe once in a while they would fight back. Maybe throw a can of bean with bacon soup at you because you made them really mad! Some people say that yelling and tough love are what makes people stronger and better people. So maybe that plant would become so strong and better than you that it would start eating your things, like your phone or your jacket, just like the plant in little shop of horrors. Or maybe it would become so strong and great that it would overthrow the government and run the US with it's other strong-plant friends. Or maybe it would be real strong and real great and you'd THINK it was really well adjusted. But when it finally has kids, it hits them. Because that plant is really emotionally frustrated and kids are just too obnoxious and they are somewhat ugly in their early years.
.:*:.If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
I would like to disprove this theory. If you are at the shoe store and you find a really neato size 8 shoe for your left foot that fit you really well, would you REALLY want to get one JUST like it? Because if you got another shoe for your left foot (making two left foot shoes) wouldn't people point and stare? And just as your were going up to be crowned as prom king you might fall on the steps and everyone would laugh because "you have two left feet". Or maybe if you are dancing with your grandma at your aunts wedding you might step on her foot because of your two left feet. And what if your grandma's foot was where her spinal cord happened to slope down to? Because old people DO tend to slope towards the ground. And then what if, by stepping on her foot, you severed her spinal cord and she wasn't able to walk ever again. And then she was sent to the hospital to live because it is just too hard dealing with a vegetable. But then what if some doctor pumps her so full of painkillers or anti depressants that she just dies? Right there? Then you'd be responsible for the pre-mature death of your grandmother, and I bet your kids would be really pissed at you.
Ahh.. How refreshing to get all of that off of my chest. Not like it was ever ON my chest. I swear to you I DO NOT STUFF. Well, not REALLY. A couple veal cutlets every now and then, just for a little umph but if you take them out and wipe that green goo that results from the rotting veal, it's practically back to normal. Not to mention you smell alot like meat and guys usually like meat so they get really close to you on the bus.
xXx Kimbobasaurus Rex.
There are little kids outside that sound quite a bit like elk when they scream...
When I first set my eyes on them, I just knew they had to be answered.
So now I will attempt the impossible, do the unimaginable, and try to answer these unanswerable questions.
Bear with me, it could VERY WELL get lame.
.:*:.If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
When you laugh, do..bodily fluids shoot out YOUR nose? Didn't think so. Well, for a few choice people it just might. *coughmarilynmansoncough* I'm not implying ANYTHING, but he got those ribs taken out for a reason, and I don't think it was so he could do pilates, if you catch my drift. Wait a minute here. Do "bodily fluids" (and you know the kind im talking about) come out of the udder? And who's to say it's a her? Isn't that a little bit sexist? I mean I know guy cows can't make milk and everything but poor lady-type cows! They don't deserve that kind of treatment! I think we should all lobby for female cow rights and maybe THEN will we be able to answer this question--once the lady-type cows are treated just like the men.
.:*:.If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
There would be a weird battle for gravity that got so intense that God was just like, "Eff you guys, no more gravity for you" so the cat would just float. And maybe if you shook some catnip by you it would float nearer to you so you could eat bits of toast off it's back as you are watching the television. Good idea.
.:*:.You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Go somewhere else and open it. Gosh that was an easy one.
.:*:.Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
There are some really rich blind people. Like helen keller for example. She was a rich biatch. I mean all those movies?! She made bank for SURE! I bet she had a huge arse black limousine. Well, scratch that. Maybe it was like bright neon green with blue stripes because hell! She can't see anyway, and I bet it's real funny seeing a blind person driving down the street in a bright green car. I bet she even had a driver that took her places like the bank. Probably minit mart or the tanning bed or something, too. Lord knows you need money for that. I bet the driver even took her to McDonalds. McDonalds is so overpriced lately. Not that Helen Keller cares, she's got enough dough to wipe her ass with. Damned blinds.
.:*:.Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
Palindromemordnilap is too hard to say. Plus, who wants to type that out all the time? Why isn't Mississippi spelled the same way backwards? Ippississim? Oh. I see. It basically says I Piss im. Well then. But I'm sure you can see my point. If words were spelled the same way backwards, what would be the point of all those satanist devil worshippers reciting the lords prayer backwards in their songs? Not a damn thing because it would be the lords prayer frontwards too. And then if all words were spelled backwards there would BE no frontwards. Or backwards. It would just be ward. And maybe then we wouldn't have such a higly evolved technological system. Anal sex at noon taxes Lana! (See, that was a Palindromemordnilap!)
.:*:.If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
If someone invented instant water, they should surely be shot. Everyone knows that water comes from Heaven. When God cries. Because you did something bad. You can't just instantize THAT. Blasphemy!
.:*:.Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
If you say monosyllabic really fast it sounds... monosyllabic. You just have to be thrifty with the way you say your words. That way you take up less air, less syllables and the world is good. What would life be like in a world of monosyllables? Let's find out.
Saul: Hi Jeb. Come to my house and eat some cream.
Jeb: No Saul. Cream to me is like a small piece of hell.
Saul: Fine Jeb, have it the way you want it. Just know that when you die it's to hell with you. right there with the cream and the sloths.
Jeb: That's fine. Just as long as i get to hang on the tree boughs like the sloth does in Ice Age.
Saul: That sloth died in the end, just like you will.
How boring is THAT? And it took me like 15 minutes to create that. Being monosyllabic is for the "Trendy" kids. Punks.
.:*:.Does a fish get cramps after eating?
I suppose if a fish had ARMS OR LEGS WITH MUSCLES IN THEM, they might get cramps after eating. But since fish only have fins and other small floaty things, I don't see them getting cramps any time soon. But maybe somewhere out there there is a fish mommy who keeps her babies out of the water for 30 minutes after they've eaten. Just long enough for me to grab those little baby son of a guns, bread em, and fry them up in my pan. Also the length of a Family Guy episode.
.:*:.Does 'virgin wool' come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet?
What a LAME ARSE pondering. Virgin wool OBVIOUSLY comes from a sheep the Rams haven't caught yet. That's like saying "Does virgin girlfriends come from the virgins the dad's haven't caught yet?" And if that's what you are thinking I'd say you have serious problems. Because if the dad is trying to catch his own daughter we've got bigger issues on our hands. Like, Does he use a net? Or, what does he feed her once he has captured her?
.:*:.What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?
Probably really sexy other sheep. Like the ones who shave their bikini line and the ones who show the most skin. I know that's what I'M counting when I go to sleep. Is it actually a bikini line if it is on a sheep? How would you ACTUALLY know where to FIND that bikini line on a sheep unless you put your bikini on it? Do you think sheep have gonorrhea? And if so, would you REALLY want to put your bikini on a sheep to find it's bikini line to dream about it? These, my friends, are the REAL questions to be answered.
.:*:.Do blind eskimoes heave seeing-eye sled dogs?
No. Blind eskimoes have BLIND sled dogs, so then they can just frolic around, crashing into trees and igloos and polar bears. And then when they are on the great sled dog race everyone just sits around and drinks coffee and laughs at those blind eskimoes and dogs because they sure do look funny running in a circle like that. Then probably the coffee drinkers leisurely get into their range rovers and cross the finish line. Because hey, those eskimoes are blind, they can't see the Range rovers anyway. But maybe the eskimoes that can see give the blind eskimoes a prize anyway, like the honorable mention. Only the prize is made from ice, so it melts once it gets inside of the blind eskimoes house. By then the blind eskimo thinks he just misplaced the prize and while he's searching for it, accidentally steps into the puddle of water made by it. Then the eskimo blames it on his blind dog, but he really shouldn't. The blind dog can't see the door to go to the bathroom anyway. It's all just a tangeled web of terror.
.:*:.If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
In my experience, mutes don't really say much of anything. Hence the word mute? But anyway, if it's a deaf person I'm pretty sure the mom makes them wash their hands anyway. What if they were at the store and they met their neighbor? And what if the deaf kid signs "hello" to the neighbor and the neighbor see's junk on his hands? That'd probably be the last time the neighbor ever considered having them for dinner. Or OVER for dinner. But mostly FOR dinner, because widowed neighbors are usually plump and make dinner alot. And the neighbor would probably still be hungry after eating her dinner and start in on the mutes dinner. Because hell, he doesn't really move all that much. He just waggles his fingers around a bit every now and then, he doesn't need the energy anyway. The neighbor definitely thinks she needs more food because she puts out more energy. Not "puts out" as in does the hibbity dibbity because everyone knows widows are like the spiders of the same name. They like to eat their lovers. They like to eat their lovers just like the neighbor likes to eat her mute little boy neighbors. Widowed neighbors are a terrifying thing.
.:*:.Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
If you yelled at them, they may cower in your presence. Maybe once in a while they would fight back. Maybe throw a can of bean with bacon soup at you because you made them really mad! Some people say that yelling and tough love are what makes people stronger and better people. So maybe that plant would become so strong and better than you that it would start eating your things, like your phone or your jacket, just like the plant in little shop of horrors. Or maybe it would become so strong and great that it would overthrow the government and run the US with it's other strong-plant friends. Or maybe it would be real strong and real great and you'd THINK it was really well adjusted. But when it finally has kids, it hits them. Because that plant is really emotionally frustrated and kids are just too obnoxious and they are somewhat ugly in their early years.
.:*:.If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
I would like to disprove this theory. If you are at the shoe store and you find a really neato size 8 shoe for your left foot that fit you really well, would you REALLY want to get one JUST like it? Because if you got another shoe for your left foot (making two left foot shoes) wouldn't people point and stare? And just as your were going up to be crowned as prom king you might fall on the steps and everyone would laugh because "you have two left feet". Or maybe if you are dancing with your grandma at your aunts wedding you might step on her foot because of your two left feet. And what if your grandma's foot was where her spinal cord happened to slope down to? Because old people DO tend to slope towards the ground. And then what if, by stepping on her foot, you severed her spinal cord and she wasn't able to walk ever again. And then she was sent to the hospital to live because it is just too hard dealing with a vegetable. But then what if some doctor pumps her so full of painkillers or anti depressants that she just dies? Right there? Then you'd be responsible for the pre-mature death of your grandmother, and I bet your kids would be really pissed at you.
Ahh.. How refreshing to get all of that off of my chest. Not like it was ever ON my chest. I swear to you I DO NOT STUFF. Well, not REALLY. A couple veal cutlets every now and then, just for a little umph but if you take them out and wipe that green goo that results from the rotting veal, it's practically back to normal. Not to mention you smell alot like meat and guys usually like meat so they get really close to you on the bus.
xXx Kimbobasaurus Rex.
There are little kids outside that sound quite a bit like elk when they scream...