You just gotta bite the bullet....
I haven't updated in a while. My trip to Paris and Poland was amazing, but I don't want to write about it right now. I want to right about how I feel. If you know me well then you know I've got some fucked up family issues, like everyone does I'm sure. Being home for the summer is always extra intense because of my parents. On vacation my mom told me two things that really bothered me: 1. When I was growing up my parents didnt apply themselves as much in raising me like they did my brother because they figured if he turned out great, so would I, and 2. My dad complains to my mother about how I was raised and how I turned out. Basically I found out some shit that she should have kept to herself. I didn't bring my feelings on this up until tonight for some reason because I got upset when my mom was talking about throwing a PHD party for my brother in August. I am jealous of him because I have always come second in his shadow. As childish as it may sound, it isn't easy having a brother who went to college at sixteen, graduated from Yale, and now is getting his PHD from MIT. His accomplishments are always bigger and better than any of mine. I am happy for him, but I don't like the second best treatment I get from my parents. I'm the screw up and he is the perfect one. I'm the screw up because I talk back and I don't eat dinners at home a lot and because I'm either at work or with Jon. There is a reason I avoid the house. I do not particularly enjoy having my dad on my ass about money money money or my mom complaining to me about me never helping around the house. Maybe I should have been given some chores, rules, consequences growing up and I would have been more pleasing to them. You get what you give in raising a child. My attitude is not solely my parent's fault, but they sure didn't help surpressing it as I was growing up. Whatever. Tonight I told my mom about how I felt about what she told me over vacation. Her reaction was to deny it and downplay what she said. Apparently I am too sensitive and I shouldnt take such things to heart. Apparently its my fault for how I turned out because I should know between right and wrong at age 12. I'm wrong and they are right? Not exactly, but I see no point in taking my argument with them any further because they respond in guilt trips: "what did I do to you for you to hurt me like this monica?" I hurt her by telling her how hurt I was....interesting. No point in trying anymore, especially since my brother is on their side. My brother has no place in this argument since he left the house when he was 16 and I have had to live here for about twenty years of my life. I apologized to my mom for "hurting" her to be the bigger person. At least she knows how I feel now. Fuck it, there are no perfect families, so that is more of a reason to not expect my family to be. I just wish I didnt have to ignore my parents in order to deal with this shit. But that's life, things could always be worse. I'm thankful for what I DO have nonetheless. I'll bite the bullet until the guns are silenced.