Control

[xperiment314]

Things with Lindsay have of late been strained and I am struggling to control my temper at times.  My deep need for introspection has once again made things worse then they probably were.  I wonder if she is really the one, if this is what love really is or was I just ready to settle down and she is along for the ride and I would feel the same about anyone I am with.  I am working more than I should be just to make ends meet- trying to support us both.  She has found a job and has worked a few shifts but it will probably be a while before she gets her first paycheck.  We got a kitten last Saturday and we named her Delilah, however when we took her ot the vet to get her checked out since she was thrown from a car we found out that it's a male.  So delilah became Metro Max since everythigng we bought for him was pink.  He does some of the cutest things sometimes.  I think I may go and see my counselor again for a couple of sessions and see if I can get put back on some anti-depressants.  I cut again last week, nothing bad, but still there is something going on if I am having this compulsion again.  I have had the urge to cut and drink almost everyday for about a month now.  I am also in a very deep depression and most days just getting out of bed seems the most unholy thing to do.  Sometimes I want to scream at Lindsay and tell her to stop acting like a child but when I was her age I did some of the same things.  I was so angry when she told me that she smoked pot with her aunt last weekend.  She knows how I feel about it and I wouldn't even be so upset if they weren't driving on the fucking interstate while they did.  Does she not understand that if my boss somehow found out I could lose my job.  I work at a fucking rehab- I deal with this shit everyday I don't want to go home and deal with it there.  She spends money on the craziest things sometimes.  I took her to Warped Tour this week and we had an amazing time.  I bet between the tickets, the hotel, food, ect.  I dropped about 1,000 dollars.  If Jen doesn't move in with me I need to find another roommate ASAP so that I can, you know, have money to eat.  I want to be happy again and your phone calls aren't doing much to help.  I see that name and I get tunnel vision and I want to run to you so bad.  I need to hear those words from you, please just say you are sorry for all the shitty things you did to me.  I want you to want to be a better friend again and just for me to be your port in the storm.

Tulips are better - Atreyu
Crystal clear I see the rose is frail
The thorns hide easily in its beauty
As I go to grasp it in my hand
My heart is torn beating from my chest
Let me be captivated
By your beauty
Then let me fall from your grace
Unto my broken knees
Close my eyes so tightly
The tears are welling up
You aren't worth the waste
Of the salt or the water

Watch the sun play in your hair
and I couldn't really care
care any less about you
Watch the sun play in your hair
I couldn't really care
care any less about you

Fuck all your false beauty
It was transparent just like your smile - liar
Your thorns caress my flesh
Crimson drops on a snowy field - liar
I have watched you retrogress
I have watched what you've become - liar
Please take your eyes off of me
It's funny how fast blue eyes fade gray - liar

Let me be captivated by your beauty
Then let me fall from your grace
Unto my broken knees
Close my eyes so tightly
The tears are welling up
You aren't worth the waste
Of the salt or the fucking water

And you are deceit

Just wither away real beauty is forever
Just wither away real beauty is forever
Just wither away real beauty is forever
Just wither away real beauty is forever