.i hate what you've become...
.another update.
.i'm getting my license tuesday...hopefully.
.i'm thinking about quitting soccer...i really am. .i know i was excited to be on varsity...but i'm on there for the wrong reasons. .i thought i actually made it because i have enough talent...no...it's because i'm a senior...and i can't be on jv...and coach won't cut a senior. .unbelievable. .monday's game...we won 5-2...i didn't go in 10 minutes before the game ended. .coach put everyone in first half. .sandy told me not to take it personal. .so i tried not to. .i got happier and i tried to show coach that i could actually do something right during practice the rest of the week. .fridays game comes up...i didn't go in once...everyone else played...not me. .that ruined my whole life. .i talked to coach after the game...and i asked him why he was doing this to me. .he told me that he realized he didn't put me in. .he didn't do it because he doesn't think i'm ready to play with varsity. .he says i 'have the potential' but i'm not ready...which translates into 'you're not good enough'. .and he told me 'i can't put you on jv, but i kept you because i see the potential. .maybe i'll put you in a game in two to three weeks'. .potential my ass. .i worked so hard to be on varsity...so hard. .and two to three weeks is too long...and it's not fair...at all. .and it's insulting...extremely insulting. .i guess this will make some of the girls happy...that i won't get a chance to ruin any of their games...because i suck that bad. .i'm tired of the rude comments and the nasty faces i get from them... .i have tried to prove to him so many times i have what it takes...but no. .i don't. .i cried so hard when i was talking to him...i cried when we were in the locker room with the team and he was talking to us...saying stuff like 'i'm so proud of how well each and every one of you played tonight. .all of you guys played so well'. .and everyone wondered what was wrong with me. .man...talk about crying...and i cried all the home...i cried to my room...and i cried myself to sleep...and i still cry everytime i think about it. .it's so devistating. .extreme rejection from the one thing you love to do. .it may not seem like a big deal to any of you who read this...you may thing i'm over-reacting...and if that's the case...fuck you. .you have no clue how this is...and apparently you don't fully understand the situation...don't tell me to cheer up and keep going...DON'T. .that would only make it worse. .unless you can put yourself EXACTLY where i am...then don't give me any inspirational speeches.
.it all comes down to this...a final decision...
.i'm at a point where i hate life...my grades are slipping...soccer is apparently no good anymore...my mom is still stuck on her boyfriend, she ignores me...i'm never going to go anywhere...and more importantly, i'm losing my best friends. .it's like i don't exist to anyone anymore...
...why can't i live in a life of fantasy...where my dreams are my escape...
...i'm going to go cry myself to sleep again...
.i'm getting my license tuesday...hopefully.
.i'm thinking about quitting soccer...i really am. .i know i was excited to be on varsity...but i'm on there for the wrong reasons. .i thought i actually made it because i have enough talent...no...it's because i'm a senior...and i can't be on jv...and coach won't cut a senior. .unbelievable. .monday's game...we won 5-2...i didn't go in 10 minutes before the game ended. .coach put everyone in first half. .sandy told me not to take it personal. .so i tried not to. .i got happier and i tried to show coach that i could actually do something right during practice the rest of the week. .fridays game comes up...i didn't go in once...everyone else played...not me. .that ruined my whole life. .i talked to coach after the game...and i asked him why he was doing this to me. .he told me that he realized he didn't put me in. .he didn't do it because he doesn't think i'm ready to play with varsity. .he says i 'have the potential' but i'm not ready...which translates into 'you're not good enough'. .and he told me 'i can't put you on jv, but i kept you because i see the potential. .maybe i'll put you in a game in two to three weeks'. .potential my ass. .i worked so hard to be on varsity...so hard. .and two to three weeks is too long...and it's not fair...at all. .and it's insulting...extremely insulting. .i guess this will make some of the girls happy...that i won't get a chance to ruin any of their games...because i suck that bad. .i'm tired of the rude comments and the nasty faces i get from them... .i have tried to prove to him so many times i have what it takes...but no. .i don't. .i cried so hard when i was talking to him...i cried when we were in the locker room with the team and he was talking to us...saying stuff like 'i'm so proud of how well each and every one of you played tonight. .all of you guys played so well'. .and everyone wondered what was wrong with me. .man...talk about crying...and i cried all the home...i cried to my room...and i cried myself to sleep...and i still cry everytime i think about it. .it's so devistating. .extreme rejection from the one thing you love to do. .it may not seem like a big deal to any of you who read this...you may thing i'm over-reacting...and if that's the case...fuck you. .you have no clue how this is...and apparently you don't fully understand the situation...don't tell me to cheer up and keep going...DON'T. .that would only make it worse. .unless you can put yourself EXACTLY where i am...then don't give me any inspirational speeches.
.it all comes down to this...a final decision...
.i'm at a point where i hate life...my grades are slipping...soccer is apparently no good anymore...my mom is still stuck on her boyfriend, she ignores me...i'm never going to go anywhere...and more importantly, i'm losing my best friends. .it's like i don't exist to anyone anymore...
...why can't i live in a life of fantasy...where my dreams are my escape...
...i'm going to go cry myself to sleep again...