Ash
Im still haunted by you in dreams and photos. It makes no sense, and I don't know why I cannot get you out of my mind. My hopes are that Im on your mind sometimes, but, I know that isn't the case and I ignore what that means. Hell, I even know what life would be like if we did stay together and its not the life I would have wanted for myself. So, why these feelings? Am I so much of a masochist that I conjured a ghost from your memory that dances on my heart every time I have a sensation that reminds me of you? Fuck. You were not the first and you are not the last. But you were beautiful in so many ways and I miss you.
But, there is nothing but the future from here and thats a long path for me to walk. Even if its just for the next few seconds, its still a long time to move forward. Im afraid that I will just move forward because time is at my back and pushing me onward each second.
This isn't my pace
I'm not walking
I'm pushing back against this wall of memory hoping to go back to that one night. Do I even want that any more? I don't know if I do, and that scares me. Perhaps the pain of that night is what was the problem was, and my insistence on the pain being the only anchor to a person i cannot reconnect with is what is the problem. If I let go, do I let go of my soul? Do I let go of my potential? Can I move forward without letting go? Why can't I grasp the truth that comes to me so frequently?
So, how do I feel? Right now, I dont feel ecstatic but I feel good. At this moment, despite the words I wrote above, I feel good. This journal has been neglected for too long and the words i write are a release for how i feel - despite the fact no one will read this.
But, there is nothing but the future from here and thats a long path for me to walk. Even if its just for the next few seconds, its still a long time to move forward. Im afraid that I will just move forward because time is at my back and pushing me onward each second.
This isn't my pace
I'm not walking
I'm pushing back against this wall of memory hoping to go back to that one night. Do I even want that any more? I don't know if I do, and that scares me. Perhaps the pain of that night is what was the problem was, and my insistence on the pain being the only anchor to a person i cannot reconnect with is what is the problem. If I let go, do I let go of my soul? Do I let go of my potential? Can I move forward without letting go? Why can't I grasp the truth that comes to me so frequently?
So, how do I feel? Right now, I dont feel ecstatic but I feel good. At this moment, despite the words I wrote above, I feel good. This journal has been neglected for too long and the words i write are a release for how i feel - despite the fact no one will read this.