shed this old skin
its the 8th of december
how the fuck did that happen?
finals are at my feet, and a semester has come and passed. ive seriously slacked off for my major papers. its going to cost me grades i think. how the fuck did become who i am? i used to be content with Bs and and Cs. Now I frown upon them. I miss connecticut. i never posted about that trip, so, i suppose now is the time.
it was very good, i think. i project alot of my negative feelings onto other people, so, i assume judgements when there arent any there. i mean, im not a happy guy at the end of the day, and that shows. i wish i spent more time with my grandfather. my cousin brett was pretty awesome. i kind of hope he might stay with me for a few if he tries to square himself away down here. my cousin michael is... i dont know. i couldnt say anything to him. grandpa was great as well. i love him, but, theres something i cant put my finger on. i felt more distant than i ever have when i got back there. I guess i was analyzing my relation to them a bit more than i normally do. when i go out for my cousins wedding in may, im going to stay for two or three weeks.
will i? i say alot of shit i dont do. its frustrating. i am not who i want or should be. i hate making the latter statement, because i think making "ought to be" statements put you down a road that never finds an end. regardless, i am not content and i am not happy with who i am. functioning isnt a problem, nor is getting laid, but i just cant find an actual... equilibrium. i guess i think i should be much more charismatic and less awkward. heres a foray into paranoia for you. i believe that i can sense what other people are feeling, despite how good of a poker face they have. i seem to have a knack for empathy and what people throw out. i have a knack for alot of things. i do not have a knack for myself however. people are mirrors for myself, and i see who i am through my interactions with them. so, in trying to find myself i use other people as mirrors. this is faulty because my own perception of myself distorts the ideally "objective" mirror of other people. very much so, i have a self-depricating persona that, despite my cessation of judgements, makes unconscious judgements immediately. recognizing them only does so much in the sense that patching up a breaking dam only does so much. it keeps some of the water out, but, it eventually fails. the only release from this whole cycle of self-deprication and judgement seems to be through meditation, video games and work. anyways, im tired. sleep well world. i do love you.
how the fuck did that happen?
finals are at my feet, and a semester has come and passed. ive seriously slacked off for my major papers. its going to cost me grades i think. how the fuck did become who i am? i used to be content with Bs and and Cs. Now I frown upon them. I miss connecticut. i never posted about that trip, so, i suppose now is the time.
it was very good, i think. i project alot of my negative feelings onto other people, so, i assume judgements when there arent any there. i mean, im not a happy guy at the end of the day, and that shows. i wish i spent more time with my grandfather. my cousin brett was pretty awesome. i kind of hope he might stay with me for a few if he tries to square himself away down here. my cousin michael is... i dont know. i couldnt say anything to him. grandpa was great as well. i love him, but, theres something i cant put my finger on. i felt more distant than i ever have when i got back there. I guess i was analyzing my relation to them a bit more than i normally do. when i go out for my cousins wedding in may, im going to stay for two or three weeks.
will i? i say alot of shit i dont do. its frustrating. i am not who i want or should be. i hate making the latter statement, because i think making "ought to be" statements put you down a road that never finds an end. regardless, i am not content and i am not happy with who i am. functioning isnt a problem, nor is getting laid, but i just cant find an actual... equilibrium. i guess i think i should be much more charismatic and less awkward. heres a foray into paranoia for you. i believe that i can sense what other people are feeling, despite how good of a poker face they have. i seem to have a knack for empathy and what people throw out. i have a knack for alot of things. i do not have a knack for myself however. people are mirrors for myself, and i see who i am through my interactions with them. so, in trying to find myself i use other people as mirrors. this is faulty because my own perception of myself distorts the ideally "objective" mirror of other people. very much so, i have a self-depricating persona that, despite my cessation of judgements, makes unconscious judgements immediately. recognizing them only does so much in the sense that patching up a breaking dam only does so much. it keeps some of the water out, but, it eventually fails. the only release from this whole cycle of self-deprication and judgement seems to be through meditation, video games and work. anyways, im tired. sleep well world. i do love you.