I ..
I'm not sure why I came back to here right now. Maybe it's because it's a good anonymous place (is there anyone at all left of LJ?) to at least put out there how I'm feeling. Maybe because it's a place that I remember coming to and having some little bit of sunshine and a smile at one point (even thought I know it was never genuine for either of us).
I've contemplated suicide off and on for most of my life.
It's never really been out of depression, although I've been very depressed quite often. In the times of depression I could always tell myself that "things will get better." I was young and knew that there was a lot of time left for changes. I was also a fairly religious, or at least spiritual. I didn't buy into the notion of being punished for committing suicide, but I figured if there was a God then I could get over it.
But now, I seem to be going back to the suicide more often, in depression and out of it. The most disturbing part for me is when I'm contemplating it while not depressed (some say if I'm thinking that then I am depressed or I wouldn't be thinking it). But what brings me closest to going through with it is the undeniable fact that, this time, it's not going to get better. I'm stuck in a monotonous routine of wake, work, sleep day after day from now until death. Since I hate the job that takes up nearly every waking moment, it seems borderline masochistic to voluntarily continue on for another 30 years.