ThAANCL
Dear Friends, Enemies, and Psychopaths:
It’s that time of year again. Time to grab the Festivus Poll, trim your upside-down Christmas tree, do what ever you do on Kwanzaa and Ramadan, and of course, light the Menorah. It’s Chrismuhanuhkwanzadan, that amalgamation of religious holidays that sometimes fall in the month of December. And of course, as it’s the holiday season, that means it’s also time for one other thing: the Chrismuhanuhkwanzadan letter. From Misanthropic St. Nagler. I’ve decided I need a Chrismuhanuhkwanzadan carol, like all good holidays (sans Chanukah… the fucking driedl song so doesn’t count), needs a song.
Not-Jolly Teen St. Nagler / Lean your left ear this way
Your right one is nearly deaf / So here is what I say
(screamed) Why are you so damn annoy- / -ing it isn’t funny.
And must you be such a Jew / When it comes to mu-uh-ney?
Yep. A carol. Now I dare all of you to sing it. It’s to the theme of “Good King Wenceslas.” Find it. Learn it. Learn it in four-part harmony. Annoy the shit out of everyone around you. It’s one of the many gifts I have enclosed in this letter to you, my reader.
A NOTICE
This year, I’ll actually use the ThAANCL to preach on a topic that I feel is important. It’s not really political as much as it is moral, so you may disagree with me. You may disagree with me completely. I don’t care; everyone is entitled to their own opinions. And here, everyone will be subjected to my opinions on a matter of a few things:
· Sexuality
· Sexual Openness
· Society and the ability to talk about sex
· Masturbation
All of these things will occur, but later in the letter. As for now, it’s going to be cheery and bright like it always is.
The Apologies
It simply wouldn’t be the _AANCL without the apologies section. Therefore, I must make amends with the following issues:
1) For being a jackass (that’s a yearly standard) 2) For being pervy 3) For being annoying 4) For specific reasons known to specific people 5) For not burning up when I enter a church. 6) Intonation 7) Not shutting up already 8) For making my Band Name “Spoons”
-Self-Actualization Number One: I hate bright and cheery.
These two things, bright and cheery, annoy me to no end. People expect the world to be bright and cheery and for people to be nice to one another. I call bullshit on this, of course. The world isn’t nice! Life’s tough, get a helmet!
I wasn’t quite sure what Mr. Corn meant when he said that. Well, to be precise, we were confused as he say “Life sucks, get a helmet. But now I know. Life isn’t nice, so get the proper defense, like a helmet. Or a nice, clear Lucite bubble you can hide in. Blankets work too.
-Self-Actualization Number Two: Penguins, as previously stated, are fucking awesome.
I have made this point in letters from years prior, but this year just defined my statement. The penguin is one of the single most awesome animals on the face of the planet. It’s formal. It swims. It’s adorable. It can be bisexual. They can be narrated by Morgan Freeman. Therefore, are awesome.
-Self-Actualization Number Three: Spoons
Spoons, as some (if not most) of you know, is the name on my band hoodie. Spoons can have multiple connotations. On one hand, there is the fact that it is purely dadaist in nature and doesn’t mean anything. On another hand, there’s the fact that I didn’t want to have Alex or Nagler or Penguin as my moniker on my sweater. On a third, invisible hand that you cant see, there’s the Dad reason that “I play the spoons in the Special marching band.”
The Sermon
People aren’t comfortable talking about sex. Sex is a natural thing, as is feeling desires and wants about it. People should be able to talk about it openly. Everyone has their likes and dislikes, and if they want people to help them out, they should mention them. Masturbating is a normal thing that all people do and for some reason are ashamed of talking about. Everyone does it, whether they admit it or not. And I think it’s about time people admitted it. It feels good and it’s about time we stated that we all do it. So fap! Fap! Fap as if your life depended on it! (Fap is a British euphemism, btw)
Oh, and ladies. Please don’t pretend you don’t do it. You can be as horny, if not hornier, than guys at time. You do it as well and damned if you don’t sometimes enjoy it more than we do thanks to the magical joy of multiple orgasms. If you don’t, now may be a good time to start, but I wont get into methodology. I don’t want to be listed as a sex offender, after all. The famous Kinsey study indicates that 92 percent of all males (no shit) and 62 percent of all females masturbate. So, basically every guy I give this to does it and every other girl who gets it does it as well. Mathematically, that’s 18,000 orgasms every second. Joy to the world, a shitload of people have come.
Alex H. Nagler
PS- The “H” stands for “Harrison”, so quit asking me that.