Bake Sale Chapter 4 - The Burden of Responsibility
Title: Bake Sale
Chapter Title: The Burden of Responsibility
Author: xpaperplanex
Beta/Co-conspirator:
illiadandoddity
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: ~4100
Pairings: Sephiroth/Cloud, Zack/Aerith, combinations of the above four characters, up to and possibly including Sephiroth/Cloud/Zack/Aerith
Genre: crack, humour, slash, het
Warnings: Possible spoilers, highlight to read: drug use (marijuana), smut, bdsm, voyeurism & exhibitionism, general nonsense
Disclaimer: I do not own FFVII and make no money from this work.
Summary: While seeking a break from the stress of Nibelheim, Cloud accidentally saves the planet. The trick now, is in keeping it saved. This is pure crack, so consider yourselves warned.
Previous Chapters: | 1 | 2 | 3 |
I started class again today, which sucked. I thought I had until Monday. So now I'm tired and cranky. I have far fewer ducklings to take care of than I thought I did. Which is good, because I'm not a very good mother duck, and bad, because with only one other native English-speaker, I think I'm going to get sick of her very quickly. I'm making bets with myself about how long it will take her to realise that I don't like being touched.
Anyways, have some crack; it's good for the soul.
***
Zack found an empty bedroom on the opposite side of the mansion and made his way there after Cloud and Sephiroth had stuffed themselves and passed out in each other's arms. He flopped down on the large bed, exhausted. It wasn't really that late, but looking after two stoned idiots was hard work. Not to mention feeling guilty about... ugh, he'd think about it in the morning. He stripped down to his boxers and shut off the light, collapsing on the bed once again.
Excited shrieking woke him from a dead sleep what felt like minutes later. Zack fumbled around for his watch or PHS or anything that might tell him what gods-forsaken hour of the night it was. When he finally found his PHS and flipped it open, he was momentarily blinded by the backlight. Blinking away the spots, he squinted at the screen: 3:17. AM. Bastards. At least it sounded like happy, but not sex-induced happy, shrieking. He rolled out of bed and grabbed his pants to go see what they were doing.
As he fumbled with his pants, he listened a bit more carefully to the noise in hopes of a hint about what he'd be walking in on. They were both yelling, "GO!" at the tops of their lungs and then there would be a couple of thumping sounds, followed by the sounds of them running up the stairs. As he poked his head around the corner, Zack's suspicions were confirmed; Cloud and Sephiroth were sliding down the twin banisters, apparently racing each other. At least they were wearing underwear now.
"It's no fair," Cloud was saying as he took the stairs, two at a time. "You weigh more than me, so you can get more speed."
"I'll give you the inside track as a handicap, how about that?"
"There is no inside track!"
"Oh. Head start then? Or maybe we can grease up your banister or something."
Zack suddenly found himself extremely grateful that they had used all the lube. Sephiroth could survive idiocy like that, but Cloud would most likely end up with a fractured skull if he was lucky.
"Give him a head start, Sephiroth," Zack said.
"Zack!" Cloud hopped excitedly. He seemed more hyper than high, actually. Maybe they had gotten into all the candy they had bought. "Come race with us!" Cloud hopped up onto his banister and wobbled dangerously as he waved Zack over. "Will you watch and tell Sephiroth when he can go?"
"Sure, Cloud, I can do that." Zack glanced over at Sephiroth and was amused to see an expression of child-like glee on his face. Poor guy had probably never had a chance to do anything like this before in his life. Maybe someday he'd take him to Gongaga where they had poles instead of staircases. He didn't think any child escaped that village without at least one broken limb as a result. "All right, you guys ready? Cloud, on your mark, get set, go!"
Cloud was off like a shot down the banister and Zack motioned for Sephiroth to go shortly afterwards. Damn, he didn't think it was possible to employ SOLDIER powers when it came to racing down banisters, but Sephiroth was just a blur and hit the bottom well before Cloud, despite his head start.
"You cheat, Sephiroth!" Cloud shouted as he landed.
"No I don't! And what are you doing?"
Cloud was spinning in circles, apparently trying to get a better look as his butt. "I think I got a splinter."
"And to think Angeal called you a puppy, Zack." Sephiroth went over to Cloud and knelt to look at his ass. "Where?"
"Around there somewhere." Cloud pointed to the back of his leg where his thigh met his butt. Zack couldn't help but give a small sigh of relief. At least it wouldn't require the removal of Cloud's shorts. "Ow!"
"Got it. Want me to kiss it better?"
"No, you pervert!" Cloud clapped his hands over his ass and ran away, although not very far, as though he was daring Sephiroth to chase him. Zack hurriedly headed back up the stairs as Sephiroth smirked evilly; he didn't want to be there for that.
***
Sephiroth finally tackled Cloud; it was fun working up his adrenaline chasing him around, and now he wanted to enjoy his prey. But something caught the corner of his eye. "Hey, wasn't there only one chair in that room earlier?" he asked, pointing to the partially open door in front of them.
Cloud twisted around so he could see what Sephiroth was pointing at. Sephiroth even let him up so he could see properly. "Sephiroth," he said very, very quietly, "Why is that chair upside-down? Sephiroth," Cloud's voice was getting a bit louder, "Why is it upside-down? WHY IS THE CHAIR UPSIDE-DOWN, SEPHIROTH!? WHY!? WHY~!?"
"Umm... ghosts?" he suggested.
That was apparently the wrong answer as it caused Cloud to start shrieking incoherently and running around the foyer in a panic. Sephiroth watched him run at top speed, occasionally picking things up and dropping them seconds later, or tossing them in the general direction of the door. He wasn't entirely sure what to do in a situation like this; it certainly killed his erection in a hurry when it seemed like Cloud was genuinely afraid.
"Ghosts! Ghosts! They're coming for us!"
"What the fuck are you two doing now?" Zack's voice behind him sounded very grumpy. "I just got back to sleep, you assholes."
Sephiroth shrugged and pointed at the doorway. "The chair is upside-down."
"Well, stop standing there like an idiot, Seph! Calm him down, or at least keep him from hurting himself." Zack managed to say that at the exact moment when Cloud tripped over an upturned bit of carpet and fell flat on his face. He slid for a couple of feet and got right back up again with blood running down his chin.
When Cloud clipped himself on the corner of the banister with an unnaturally loud crack, and hard enough that he spun around before continuing his panicked run, Sephiroth stepped out and grabbed onto him. He squeezed Cloud tightly and gave him a shake. "Calm down!" he ordered. "There's no ghost out there that could possibly be as scary as me, and you've fucked me multiple times already."
Cloud suddenly stopped squirming. "The ghosts want to fuck me?" he asked in a very small voice.
"No, the ghosts don't want to fuck you. Well, maybe they do, but I won't let them. What I meant was that you're not scared of me, and I'm a lot scarier than the ghosts. So why should you be scared of them? And no one but me is going to fuck you, okay?"
"Okay... You won't let them get me?"
"Nope, your ass is all mine."
"Great," Zack interrupted their heartfelt moment. "Now that we have that all settled and there will be no more screaming, shrieking, banging or noise in general, I'm going back to bed. I suggest you two do the same. Goodnight."
"But wait," Cloud said, apparently not paying attention to Zack at all, "My ass has to be my ass. It's attached to me. And your ass is your ass. It's attached to you. My ass can't be your ass."
"I meant that I'm the only one who's allowed to put anything in your ass."
"Oh, okay, but no slushy cups."
"No slushy cups. Purple vibrators are good though, right?"
"Yep. And fingers. And generally stuff that's attached to you."
"Hmm..." Sephiroth pondered what else he could put in Cloud's ass. Fingers naturally lead to hands, which would lead to arms. Feet didn't seem like it would be very fun for either of them. Tongue? What about materia? That wasn't attached to him, but maybe Cloud would let him try. It was smaller than a slushy cup, at any rate. "Let's go back upstairs before Zack comes down and yells again. I should heal your face, too. That's going to scar."
"My face?"
"Yeah, that thing attached to your head that's all covered in blood. Seriously, Cloudy, it's just ghosts. No big deal."
"Ghosts are scary," Cloud insisted.
***
Once again, it felt like only moments later that Zack was woken up. This time, it was the squeaking of bedsprings that woke him. He pulled the pillow over his head; he didn't want to know.
"Woosh!" Sephiroth's voice seemed way too loud. Who the fuck yells 'woosh' when they're having sex?
"Do it again! Do it again!" Cloud was shouting as well.
"Woosh!"
"I wanna try!"
There was a bit of quiet, and then Cloud also shouted, "Woosh!"
The pillow wasn't helping. After a while of attempting to ignore them, Zack growled and grabbed his pants again. Did they not need sleep? At least Cloud? Where the hell was he getting the energy to keep up with Sephiroth? Zack was certain that these were questions that were never meant to be asked by mortal men, but he was damned if he wasn't going to try and find out.
He stormed across the balcony that led to the east wing, threw the door to their room open, and was greeted with a fresh haze of smoke. He caught Sephiroth mid-woosh, apparently, and was just in time to see him leap off the bed with his arms spread, shouting, "Woosh!" Sephiroth curled his body at the last second and rolled safely across the room before jumping to his feet. Zack tried to ignore the sparkles that had been applied liberally to Sephiroth's hair, and the unicorn stuck to his forehead, but it was proving difficult.
"Okay, your turn, Cloud."
Zack turned his attention back to the bed where Cloud was jumping with all his might. Cloud was, at least, less glittery. He was covered in far more stickers than Zack felt was truly necessary, however. Sephiroth held out his arms and Cloud took a flying leap.
"Woosh!"
In hindsight, it probably would have been safer if Zack had just left them alone. Sephiroth noticed Zack's presence just as Cloud jumped. He was distracted enough that he forgot about catching Cloud, who hit the ground with something that sounded like a thump, a crack, and a smack combined. And he didn't move.
"Cloud? Cloudy? Cloud!" Sephiroth shouted and rushed over to Cloud's limp form with Zack not far behind.
"Owww..."
"Cloud, don't move," Zack said. "Are you okay?"
"Do you think I should be okay?"
"Just don't move; I'll fix you up."
"I'll do it," Sephiroth snarled.
"No, you won't. You're too fucking high, Sephiroth. Stop touching him." Zack shoved Sephiroth aside and activated his Restore materia. Why he still had his bracer on was anybody's guess, but he was glad he did. As soon as the green light dissipated, Zack was roughly shoved aside.
"Cloudy?"
"'M okay, Seph."
"Are you sure?"
"Think so."
Sephiroth gathered Cloud into his arms and turned to Zack with one of the most vicious glares he had seen in his life. "YOU. Distracted me."
Zack gulped nervously, but held his ground. "You. Were being an idiot."
"I caught him every time until you came in."
"You were encouraging him to jump headfirst off the bed!"
"And I caught him. Every time." Sephiroth's eyes were glowing brightly, the way SOLDIERs' eyes did when they were really angry. Zack was pretty sure he'd be able to see them from a mile away in the dark. Maybe now wasn't the best time to be arguing. Even the unicorn in the middle of his forehead did little to detract from the menacing aura radiating off of Sephiroth.
"Right, well, maybe don't do it again..." Zack's voice failed, as Sephiroth's eyes grew even brighter.
"I'm okay, Seph," Cloud broke in and reached up to pat Sephiroth's head. "Don't be mad. It wasn't anyone's fault."
Zack begged to differ, but kept quiet, as the fire seemed to leave Sephiroth's eyes. How the hell had Cloud gotten Sephiroth wrapped around his finger so easily? He was willing to bet that it wasn't all because of the pot. Sephiroth shot one final glare at him before standing up and setting Cloud down on the bed. He curled himself protectively around Cloud's body and pulled the blanket over them.
"Shut the door when you leave."
"All right, just... let him get some rest now, Seph. He's not enhanced like you are. Remember that."
"Goodnight, Zack!" Cloud giggled from his snug spot in Sephiroth's arms.
"And you! Go to sleep!"
"Yes, sir," Cloud giggled again.
Zack sighed and shut the door. He said a silent prayer to any gods that happened to be listening, asking them to please let him get a couple hours sleep, at least.
***
When Zack woke up next, it was mid-morning and the mansion was disturbingly silent. Fearing that they had somehow managed to kill themselves or escaped, Zack tiptoed to Sephiroth and Cloud's bedroom and cracked the door open. To Zack's great surprise, they were right where he had left them last, curled around each other and covered in glitter that sparkled in the sunlight. They... actually looked kind of cute like that. A green eye cracked open and Sephiroth's slit pupil narrowed against the bright light. After staring at him for several long, uncomfortable seconds, Zack was apparently deemed to be not a threat and the eye shut again.
He quietly shut the door and went downstairs. Zack caught a glimpse of the room that had freaked Cloud out so much and was rather disturbed to find that not only was the chair upside down, but there was another one impossibly balanced on top of it. Maybe Cloud was right and there were ghosts haunting this place. Ah well, he could handle ghosts. He sat down on the dusty velvet couch and pulled out his PHS. He hit Aerith's speed dial and waited for her to pick up.
"Zack!" Aerith sounded excited to hear from him. "How's your mission going?"
"Hey, babe. Good to hear your voice. Mission's taken a bit of a turn for the weird; that's what I was calling to talk to you about, actually."
"A turn for the weird?"
"Yeah, well, it was taking a turn for the worse, and then it got really, really weird, but I think the weird is better than where it had been going."
It was a long, awkward explanation, and Zack hadn't been able to work up the nerve to tell Aerith about watching, but he did give her the basics. She had hummed and hawed through the story, sounding rather amused and not at all surprised at the fact that her product had had a helping hand in saving the world.
"So what are you guys going to do now?" she asked when Zack finished relating his tale.
"Well, that's what I'm not sure about. I think the actual mission is as good as dead, and we did fix the problem at the reactor, so I think it's probably best to head back to Midgar. Cloud's running out of weed at a rather disturbing pace, so he's going to need some more if we want to keep Seph stoned. Can you fix him up?"
"I can do that. You know, I'm rather curious to see Sephiroth stoned..."
"Trust me, it's a terrifying and surreal experience."
"What's that?" Aerith sounded like she was talking to someone else. "No, I said I want to see Sephiroth stoned. You know, high." Zack could hear a male voice in the background, but couldn't make out what he was saying. "I know! That's what I thought! Hey, Zack, Reno wants to know if Sephiroth will come down to the church too."
"Reno's there!? Dammit, Aerith, I wanted to keep this a secret from ShinRa!"
"Oh, don't worry. I'll give him a few grams and some cookies and he won't breathe a word. Will you? He says no."
"Aerith..." Zack said warningly.
"So what's Sephiroth going to do? Or rather, what are you going to do with Sephiroth? Since you're the one who doesn't want ShinRa to know."
"I'm not sure. Before we left, he mentioned retiring after this mission, which might be the best decision. Now he sounds like he wants to hit a porn store then hole up in a seedy motel with Cloud. I swear that shit flipped a switch or something in him. I didn't think the guy even had a libido."
"Maybe he was just never allowed to show it. He's been pretty oppressed his whole life, hasn't he? From what you said, it sounds like he's doing a lot of stuff that he probably wanted to do as a kid. Or a young adult, as the case may be." Aerith paused and seemed to be thinking for a moment, so Zack waited patiently. "There're a couple spare rooms in the back of the church. It might take a bit of fixing up and some furniture shopping, but if he wants to retire, he could stay there until he finds someplace better. It'd be cleaner than a seedy motel at any rate."
"That's probably a really good idea. As long as the Turks keep quiet about it."
"What about Cloud?"
"I'm really not sure about him. He seems like he wants to stay with Sephiroth. And I'm certain Sephiroth wants him to stay. But it'll pretty much fuck over his career if he does."
"Well, ask him. When he's sober."
"So I should go wake him up?"
"Probably for the best. Or at least hang around right outside their door until they wake up. That'll probably up your survival chances."
"Your faith in me is heart-warming."
"Hey, I'm just trying to make sure my boy survives. I hear Masamune can be pretty sharp in the mornings."
"Right, well, I'll be sure to go armed."
"Reno says he wants pictures." Aerith paused. "Come to think of it, I want pictures. Maybe if they agree to stay at the church, I can sneak a few cameras into their room..."
Zack sputtered in complete shock. There was no way Aerith had just said that.
"No! Not to sell! What are you, some sort of pervert, Reno? Get out of my church! Forget cameras; corrupt people will take advantage. Maybe I can put in peep holes instead."
"They don't seem to mind audiences," Zack said cautiously.
"Oh really? Do tell! What did you see, Zachary Fair?"
"Not much, really." Zack felt himself blushing awkwardly.
"Spill, Fair! Did you watch them fuck?" Reno had apparently grabbed the phone away from Aerith; the indignant yells in the background were a good indicator.
"I've gotta go, Reno. I think I can hear them waking up. Tell Aerith I love her." Zack snapped his phone shut and tried to process what had just been said. Aerith had been curious? And wanted pictures? She had always been up for experimentation in the bedroom, but Zack hadn't thought that would extend to third-party voyeurism. "Ugh," Zack said out loud, "I'll think about it later." In the meantime, he needed to talk to Cloud.
He quietly went upstairs and cracked the door again. Sephiroth was awake now and stroking Cloud's hair while the kid still slept. His head turned sharply as Zack entered the room, and Zack swore he heard him snarl. Zack raised his hands in what he really hoped only needed to be mock surrender and stepped closer to the bed.
"Morning, Seph. How're you feeling?"
"Headache," Sephiroth mumbled.
"Yeah... that can happen." Zack tried to sound sympathetic, but his heart wasn't in it. "Look, I need to talk to you."
"'Bout what?"
"Your pleasant conversation and excellent articulation in the morning, what else?" Zack sighed, "I want to talk about what you're going to do."
"Purple vibrator."
"Yeah, I gathered that's on the list. I meant what are you going to do about ShinRa? You know, that place where you work? Big tower, angry fat man in charge..."
"Don't wanna work anymore."
"You want to retire? Like you had planned?" Gaia, this conversation was like pulling teeth.
"Yeah."
"Well, I was talking to Aerith, you know, my girl?" Zack continued when Sephiroth just gave him a blank look. "Lives in Sector 6? Has a church where she grows flowers in Sector 5?"
"Pot girl!"
"Yeah, sure, pot girl. Anyways, she said that you can live at the church, if you don't want to go back to ShinRa. I'll get all your paperwork in order so you can just disappear, never have to see ShinRa again." Zack really hoped the point was getting through.
"That be nice. Me 'n Cloud'll do that."
"Right, um about Cloud, would you mind if I talk to him about it? While he's sober? And you're not in the same room?"
"Mine!" Sephiroth flipped Cloud underneath him faster than Zack could blink and bared his teeth at Zack. Cloud gave a startled yelp at being woken up so suddenly and struggled to get out.
"What- Seph, calm down! I just need to talk to him."
"Mine!" Sephiroth said again. "She can't have him!"
Cloud seemed to realise where he was and stopped struggling, not that it had been doing any good. "Sephiroth?"
"Mine. She can't have you. Mine. I want him." Sephiroth wrapped a hand around Cloud's throat, but didn't appear to be applying any pressure.
"Hey, Zack, since you're close handy by and not pinned by someone who's way bigger than you, would you mind grabbing my pipe?" Cloud sounded remarkably calm about the situation.
"Cloud..."
"Please hurry, Zack." Cloud wiggled a hand free and started petting Sephiroth's head, whispering that he shouldn't listen to her. Zack grabbed the pipe and lit it, handing it over to Cloud. "Thanks." Cloud held it up to Sephiroth's lips. "Here you go. He~y, your unicorn fell off."
Sephiroth just grumbled and started smoking. He even let go of Cloud's neck so he could keep the pipe lit on his own.
"Well, you'll care once it kicks in, I'm sure. You were so proud of it. At least we don't have to worry about the glitter running off on us. That's never going away."
Sephiroth started to hand the pipe over to Cloud, but Zack spoke up, "Cloud, before you do that, can I talk to you?"
"Uh, sure, what is it?" Cloud shooed the pipe back towards Sephiroth who started blowing the smoke in Cloud's face instead. Zack would have to talk quickly.
"Sephiroth wants you to stay with him when we go back to Midgar. But he's not planning on going back to ShinRa. And I'd like to keep him as far from ShinRa as possible when he's... like this."
"Okay. Quit it, Seph, I'm trying to listen." Cloud attempted to fan the smoke away from himself.
"So, if you stayed, I mean, I think he wants you around all the time, you wouldn't be able to stay with ShinRa."
"Okay."
"Just like that? Okay? Cloud, you need to really think about this; you're blowing a big chance."
Cloud shrugged. "What chance? I failed the SOLDIER exams. I don't want to spend the rest of my life as a trooper."
"You can retake the exams, you know."
"What's the point? I'll always be too small and too weak to pass. If I go back, it'll be nothing but the same old song and dance."
Zack stared in shock; he had had no idea Cloud felt that way. He knew that he had been depressed about failing the exam, and about coming home when he wasn't a SOLDIER, but it sounded like Cloud had given up.
Cloud sighed, "If you don't like that reason, look at it this way. Sephiroth goes batshit fucking insane when I leave the room to go to the toilet. He goes more batshit fucking insane when he doesn't have weed. I can get him from no weed, to weed, without him killing anyone. He's super strong and he wants me around. You can call me a martyr and say I sacrificed my career to save the planet. A planet with a chocolaty centre."
"Fuck planetary chocolate," Sephiroth mumbled around the pipe. "It's too fucking far."
***
Previous Chapter | Next Chapter
This chapter is dedicated to and her Wooosh! icon.
Chapter Title: The Burden of Responsibility
Author: xpaperplanex
Beta/Co-conspirator:
illiadandoddity
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: ~4100
Pairings: Sephiroth/Cloud, Zack/Aerith, combinations of the above four characters, up to and possibly including Sephiroth/Cloud/Zack/Aerith
Genre: crack, humour, slash, het
Warnings: Possible spoilers, highlight to read: drug use (marijuana), smut, bdsm, voyeurism & exhibitionism, general nonsense
Disclaimer: I do not own FFVII and make no money from this work.
Summary: While seeking a break from the stress of Nibelheim, Cloud accidentally saves the planet. The trick now, is in keeping it saved. This is pure crack, so consider yourselves warned.
Previous Chapters: | 1 | 2 | 3 |
I started class again today, which sucked. I thought I had until Monday. So now I'm tired and cranky. I have far fewer ducklings to take care of than I thought I did. Which is good, because I'm not a very good mother duck, and bad, because with only one other native English-speaker, I think I'm going to get sick of her very quickly. I'm making bets with myself about how long it will take her to realise that I don't like being touched.
Anyways, have some crack; it's good for the soul.
***
Zack found an empty bedroom on the opposite side of the mansion and made his way there after Cloud and Sephiroth had stuffed themselves and passed out in each other's arms. He flopped down on the large bed, exhausted. It wasn't really that late, but looking after two stoned idiots was hard work. Not to mention feeling guilty about... ugh, he'd think about it in the morning. He stripped down to his boxers and shut off the light, collapsing on the bed once again.
Excited shrieking woke him from a dead sleep what felt like minutes later. Zack fumbled around for his watch or PHS or anything that might tell him what gods-forsaken hour of the night it was. When he finally found his PHS and flipped it open, he was momentarily blinded by the backlight. Blinking away the spots, he squinted at the screen: 3:17. AM. Bastards. At least it sounded like happy, but not sex-induced happy, shrieking. He rolled out of bed and grabbed his pants to go see what they were doing.
As he fumbled with his pants, he listened a bit more carefully to the noise in hopes of a hint about what he'd be walking in on. They were both yelling, "GO!" at the tops of their lungs and then there would be a couple of thumping sounds, followed by the sounds of them running up the stairs. As he poked his head around the corner, Zack's suspicions were confirmed; Cloud and Sephiroth were sliding down the twin banisters, apparently racing each other. At least they were wearing underwear now.
"It's no fair," Cloud was saying as he took the stairs, two at a time. "You weigh more than me, so you can get more speed."
"I'll give you the inside track as a handicap, how about that?"
"There is no inside track!"
"Oh. Head start then? Or maybe we can grease up your banister or something."
Zack suddenly found himself extremely grateful that they had used all the lube. Sephiroth could survive idiocy like that, but Cloud would most likely end up with a fractured skull if he was lucky.
"Give him a head start, Sephiroth," Zack said.
"Zack!" Cloud hopped excitedly. He seemed more hyper than high, actually. Maybe they had gotten into all the candy they had bought. "Come race with us!" Cloud hopped up onto his banister and wobbled dangerously as he waved Zack over. "Will you watch and tell Sephiroth when he can go?"
"Sure, Cloud, I can do that." Zack glanced over at Sephiroth and was amused to see an expression of child-like glee on his face. Poor guy had probably never had a chance to do anything like this before in his life. Maybe someday he'd take him to Gongaga where they had poles instead of staircases. He didn't think any child escaped that village without at least one broken limb as a result. "All right, you guys ready? Cloud, on your mark, get set, go!"
Cloud was off like a shot down the banister and Zack motioned for Sephiroth to go shortly afterwards. Damn, he didn't think it was possible to employ SOLDIER powers when it came to racing down banisters, but Sephiroth was just a blur and hit the bottom well before Cloud, despite his head start.
"You cheat, Sephiroth!" Cloud shouted as he landed.
"No I don't! And what are you doing?"
Cloud was spinning in circles, apparently trying to get a better look as his butt. "I think I got a splinter."
"And to think Angeal called you a puppy, Zack." Sephiroth went over to Cloud and knelt to look at his ass. "Where?"
"Around there somewhere." Cloud pointed to the back of his leg where his thigh met his butt. Zack couldn't help but give a small sigh of relief. At least it wouldn't require the removal of Cloud's shorts. "Ow!"
"Got it. Want me to kiss it better?"
"No, you pervert!" Cloud clapped his hands over his ass and ran away, although not very far, as though he was daring Sephiroth to chase him. Zack hurriedly headed back up the stairs as Sephiroth smirked evilly; he didn't want to be there for that.
***
Sephiroth finally tackled Cloud; it was fun working up his adrenaline chasing him around, and now he wanted to enjoy his prey. But something caught the corner of his eye. "Hey, wasn't there only one chair in that room earlier?" he asked, pointing to the partially open door in front of them.
Cloud twisted around so he could see what Sephiroth was pointing at. Sephiroth even let him up so he could see properly. "Sephiroth," he said very, very quietly, "Why is that chair upside-down? Sephiroth," Cloud's voice was getting a bit louder, "Why is it upside-down? WHY IS THE CHAIR UPSIDE-DOWN, SEPHIROTH!? WHY!? WHY~!?"
"Umm... ghosts?" he suggested.
That was apparently the wrong answer as it caused Cloud to start shrieking incoherently and running around the foyer in a panic. Sephiroth watched him run at top speed, occasionally picking things up and dropping them seconds later, or tossing them in the general direction of the door. He wasn't entirely sure what to do in a situation like this; it certainly killed his erection in a hurry when it seemed like Cloud was genuinely afraid.
"Ghosts! Ghosts! They're coming for us!"
"What the fuck are you two doing now?" Zack's voice behind him sounded very grumpy. "I just got back to sleep, you assholes."
Sephiroth shrugged and pointed at the doorway. "The chair is upside-down."
"Well, stop standing there like an idiot, Seph! Calm him down, or at least keep him from hurting himself." Zack managed to say that at the exact moment when Cloud tripped over an upturned bit of carpet and fell flat on his face. He slid for a couple of feet and got right back up again with blood running down his chin.
When Cloud clipped himself on the corner of the banister with an unnaturally loud crack, and hard enough that he spun around before continuing his panicked run, Sephiroth stepped out and grabbed onto him. He squeezed Cloud tightly and gave him a shake. "Calm down!" he ordered. "There's no ghost out there that could possibly be as scary as me, and you've fucked me multiple times already."
Cloud suddenly stopped squirming. "The ghosts want to fuck me?" he asked in a very small voice.
"No, the ghosts don't want to fuck you. Well, maybe they do, but I won't let them. What I meant was that you're not scared of me, and I'm a lot scarier than the ghosts. So why should you be scared of them? And no one but me is going to fuck you, okay?"
"Okay... You won't let them get me?"
"Nope, your ass is all mine."
"Great," Zack interrupted their heartfelt moment. "Now that we have that all settled and there will be no more screaming, shrieking, banging or noise in general, I'm going back to bed. I suggest you two do the same. Goodnight."
"But wait," Cloud said, apparently not paying attention to Zack at all, "My ass has to be my ass. It's attached to me. And your ass is your ass. It's attached to you. My ass can't be your ass."
"I meant that I'm the only one who's allowed to put anything in your ass."
"Oh, okay, but no slushy cups."
"No slushy cups. Purple vibrators are good though, right?"
"Yep. And fingers. And generally stuff that's attached to you."
"Hmm..." Sephiroth pondered what else he could put in Cloud's ass. Fingers naturally lead to hands, which would lead to arms. Feet didn't seem like it would be very fun for either of them. Tongue? What about materia? That wasn't attached to him, but maybe Cloud would let him try. It was smaller than a slushy cup, at any rate. "Let's go back upstairs before Zack comes down and yells again. I should heal your face, too. That's going to scar."
"My face?"
"Yeah, that thing attached to your head that's all covered in blood. Seriously, Cloudy, it's just ghosts. No big deal."
"Ghosts are scary," Cloud insisted.
***
Once again, it felt like only moments later that Zack was woken up. This time, it was the squeaking of bedsprings that woke him. He pulled the pillow over his head; he didn't want to know.
"Woosh!" Sephiroth's voice seemed way too loud. Who the fuck yells 'woosh' when they're having sex?
"Do it again! Do it again!" Cloud was shouting as well.
"Woosh!"
"I wanna try!"
There was a bit of quiet, and then Cloud also shouted, "Woosh!"
The pillow wasn't helping. After a while of attempting to ignore them, Zack growled and grabbed his pants again. Did they not need sleep? At least Cloud? Where the hell was he getting the energy to keep up with Sephiroth? Zack was certain that these were questions that were never meant to be asked by mortal men, but he was damned if he wasn't going to try and find out.
He stormed across the balcony that led to the east wing, threw the door to their room open, and was greeted with a fresh haze of smoke. He caught Sephiroth mid-woosh, apparently, and was just in time to see him leap off the bed with his arms spread, shouting, "Woosh!" Sephiroth curled his body at the last second and rolled safely across the room before jumping to his feet. Zack tried to ignore the sparkles that had been applied liberally to Sephiroth's hair, and the unicorn stuck to his forehead, but it was proving difficult.
"Okay, your turn, Cloud."
Zack turned his attention back to the bed where Cloud was jumping with all his might. Cloud was, at least, less glittery. He was covered in far more stickers than Zack felt was truly necessary, however. Sephiroth held out his arms and Cloud took a flying leap.
"Woosh!"
In hindsight, it probably would have been safer if Zack had just left them alone. Sephiroth noticed Zack's presence just as Cloud jumped. He was distracted enough that he forgot about catching Cloud, who hit the ground with something that sounded like a thump, a crack, and a smack combined. And he didn't move.
"Cloud? Cloudy? Cloud!" Sephiroth shouted and rushed over to Cloud's limp form with Zack not far behind.
"Owww..."
"Cloud, don't move," Zack said. "Are you okay?"
"Do you think I should be okay?"
"Just don't move; I'll fix you up."
"I'll do it," Sephiroth snarled.
"No, you won't. You're too fucking high, Sephiroth. Stop touching him." Zack shoved Sephiroth aside and activated his Restore materia. Why he still had his bracer on was anybody's guess, but he was glad he did. As soon as the green light dissipated, Zack was roughly shoved aside.
"Cloudy?"
"'M okay, Seph."
"Are you sure?"
"Think so."
Sephiroth gathered Cloud into his arms and turned to Zack with one of the most vicious glares he had seen in his life. "YOU. Distracted me."
Zack gulped nervously, but held his ground. "You. Were being an idiot."
"I caught him every time until you came in."
"You were encouraging him to jump headfirst off the bed!"
"And I caught him. Every time." Sephiroth's eyes were glowing brightly, the way SOLDIERs' eyes did when they were really angry. Zack was pretty sure he'd be able to see them from a mile away in the dark. Maybe now wasn't the best time to be arguing. Even the unicorn in the middle of his forehead did little to detract from the menacing aura radiating off of Sephiroth.
"Right, well, maybe don't do it again..." Zack's voice failed, as Sephiroth's eyes grew even brighter.
"I'm okay, Seph," Cloud broke in and reached up to pat Sephiroth's head. "Don't be mad. It wasn't anyone's fault."
Zack begged to differ, but kept quiet, as the fire seemed to leave Sephiroth's eyes. How the hell had Cloud gotten Sephiroth wrapped around his finger so easily? He was willing to bet that it wasn't all because of the pot. Sephiroth shot one final glare at him before standing up and setting Cloud down on the bed. He curled himself protectively around Cloud's body and pulled the blanket over them.
"Shut the door when you leave."
"All right, just... let him get some rest now, Seph. He's not enhanced like you are. Remember that."
"Goodnight, Zack!" Cloud giggled from his snug spot in Sephiroth's arms.
"And you! Go to sleep!"
"Yes, sir," Cloud giggled again.
Zack sighed and shut the door. He said a silent prayer to any gods that happened to be listening, asking them to please let him get a couple hours sleep, at least.
***
When Zack woke up next, it was mid-morning and the mansion was disturbingly silent. Fearing that they had somehow managed to kill themselves or escaped, Zack tiptoed to Sephiroth and Cloud's bedroom and cracked the door open. To Zack's great surprise, they were right where he had left them last, curled around each other and covered in glitter that sparkled in the sunlight. They... actually looked kind of cute like that. A green eye cracked open and Sephiroth's slit pupil narrowed against the bright light. After staring at him for several long, uncomfortable seconds, Zack was apparently deemed to be not a threat and the eye shut again.
He quietly shut the door and went downstairs. Zack caught a glimpse of the room that had freaked Cloud out so much and was rather disturbed to find that not only was the chair upside down, but there was another one impossibly balanced on top of it. Maybe Cloud was right and there were ghosts haunting this place. Ah well, he could handle ghosts. He sat down on the dusty velvet couch and pulled out his PHS. He hit Aerith's speed dial and waited for her to pick up.
"Zack!" Aerith sounded excited to hear from him. "How's your mission going?"
"Hey, babe. Good to hear your voice. Mission's taken a bit of a turn for the weird; that's what I was calling to talk to you about, actually."
"A turn for the weird?"
"Yeah, well, it was taking a turn for the worse, and then it got really, really weird, but I think the weird is better than where it had been going."
It was a long, awkward explanation, and Zack hadn't been able to work up the nerve to tell Aerith about watching, but he did give her the basics. She had hummed and hawed through the story, sounding rather amused and not at all surprised at the fact that her product had had a helping hand in saving the world.
"So what are you guys going to do now?" she asked when Zack finished relating his tale.
"Well, that's what I'm not sure about. I think the actual mission is as good as dead, and we did fix the problem at the reactor, so I think it's probably best to head back to Midgar. Cloud's running out of weed at a rather disturbing pace, so he's going to need some more if we want to keep Seph stoned. Can you fix him up?"
"I can do that. You know, I'm rather curious to see Sephiroth stoned..."
"Trust me, it's a terrifying and surreal experience."
"What's that?" Aerith sounded like she was talking to someone else. "No, I said I want to see Sephiroth stoned. You know, high." Zack could hear a male voice in the background, but couldn't make out what he was saying. "I know! That's what I thought! Hey, Zack, Reno wants to know if Sephiroth will come down to the church too."
"Reno's there!? Dammit, Aerith, I wanted to keep this a secret from ShinRa!"
"Oh, don't worry. I'll give him a few grams and some cookies and he won't breathe a word. Will you? He says no."
"Aerith..." Zack said warningly.
"So what's Sephiroth going to do? Or rather, what are you going to do with Sephiroth? Since you're the one who doesn't want ShinRa to know."
"I'm not sure. Before we left, he mentioned retiring after this mission, which might be the best decision. Now he sounds like he wants to hit a porn store then hole up in a seedy motel with Cloud. I swear that shit flipped a switch or something in him. I didn't think the guy even had a libido."
"Maybe he was just never allowed to show it. He's been pretty oppressed his whole life, hasn't he? From what you said, it sounds like he's doing a lot of stuff that he probably wanted to do as a kid. Or a young adult, as the case may be." Aerith paused and seemed to be thinking for a moment, so Zack waited patiently. "There're a couple spare rooms in the back of the church. It might take a bit of fixing up and some furniture shopping, but if he wants to retire, he could stay there until he finds someplace better. It'd be cleaner than a seedy motel at any rate."
"That's probably a really good idea. As long as the Turks keep quiet about it."
"What about Cloud?"
"I'm really not sure about him. He seems like he wants to stay with Sephiroth. And I'm certain Sephiroth wants him to stay. But it'll pretty much fuck over his career if he does."
"Well, ask him. When he's sober."
"So I should go wake him up?"
"Probably for the best. Or at least hang around right outside their door until they wake up. That'll probably up your survival chances."
"Your faith in me is heart-warming."
"Hey, I'm just trying to make sure my boy survives. I hear Masamune can be pretty sharp in the mornings."
"Right, well, I'll be sure to go armed."
"Reno says he wants pictures." Aerith paused. "Come to think of it, I want pictures. Maybe if they agree to stay at the church, I can sneak a few cameras into their room..."
Zack sputtered in complete shock. There was no way Aerith had just said that.
"No! Not to sell! What are you, some sort of pervert, Reno? Get out of my church! Forget cameras; corrupt people will take advantage. Maybe I can put in peep holes instead."
"They don't seem to mind audiences," Zack said cautiously.
"Oh really? Do tell! What did you see, Zachary Fair?"
"Not much, really." Zack felt himself blushing awkwardly.
"Spill, Fair! Did you watch them fuck?" Reno had apparently grabbed the phone away from Aerith; the indignant yells in the background were a good indicator.
"I've gotta go, Reno. I think I can hear them waking up. Tell Aerith I love her." Zack snapped his phone shut and tried to process what had just been said. Aerith had been curious? And wanted pictures? She had always been up for experimentation in the bedroom, but Zack hadn't thought that would extend to third-party voyeurism. "Ugh," Zack said out loud, "I'll think about it later." In the meantime, he needed to talk to Cloud.
He quietly went upstairs and cracked the door again. Sephiroth was awake now and stroking Cloud's hair while the kid still slept. His head turned sharply as Zack entered the room, and Zack swore he heard him snarl. Zack raised his hands in what he really hoped only needed to be mock surrender and stepped closer to the bed.
"Morning, Seph. How're you feeling?"
"Headache," Sephiroth mumbled.
"Yeah... that can happen." Zack tried to sound sympathetic, but his heart wasn't in it. "Look, I need to talk to you."
"'Bout what?"
"Your pleasant conversation and excellent articulation in the morning, what else?" Zack sighed, "I want to talk about what you're going to do."
"Purple vibrator."
"Yeah, I gathered that's on the list. I meant what are you going to do about ShinRa? You know, that place where you work? Big tower, angry fat man in charge..."
"Don't wanna work anymore."
"You want to retire? Like you had planned?" Gaia, this conversation was like pulling teeth.
"Yeah."
"Well, I was talking to Aerith, you know, my girl?" Zack continued when Sephiroth just gave him a blank look. "Lives in Sector 6? Has a church where she grows flowers in Sector 5?"
"Pot girl!"
"Yeah, sure, pot girl. Anyways, she said that you can live at the church, if you don't want to go back to ShinRa. I'll get all your paperwork in order so you can just disappear, never have to see ShinRa again." Zack really hoped the point was getting through.
"That be nice. Me 'n Cloud'll do that."
"Right, um about Cloud, would you mind if I talk to him about it? While he's sober? And you're not in the same room?"
"Mine!" Sephiroth flipped Cloud underneath him faster than Zack could blink and bared his teeth at Zack. Cloud gave a startled yelp at being woken up so suddenly and struggled to get out.
"What- Seph, calm down! I just need to talk to him."
"Mine!" Sephiroth said again. "She can't have him!"
Cloud seemed to realise where he was and stopped struggling, not that it had been doing any good. "Sephiroth?"
"Mine. She can't have you. Mine. I want him." Sephiroth wrapped a hand around Cloud's throat, but didn't appear to be applying any pressure.
"Hey, Zack, since you're close handy by and not pinned by someone who's way bigger than you, would you mind grabbing my pipe?" Cloud sounded remarkably calm about the situation.
"Cloud..."
"Please hurry, Zack." Cloud wiggled a hand free and started petting Sephiroth's head, whispering that he shouldn't listen to her. Zack grabbed the pipe and lit it, handing it over to Cloud. "Thanks." Cloud held it up to Sephiroth's lips. "Here you go. He~y, your unicorn fell off."
Sephiroth just grumbled and started smoking. He even let go of Cloud's neck so he could keep the pipe lit on his own.
"Well, you'll care once it kicks in, I'm sure. You were so proud of it. At least we don't have to worry about the glitter running off on us. That's never going away."
Sephiroth started to hand the pipe over to Cloud, but Zack spoke up, "Cloud, before you do that, can I talk to you?"
"Uh, sure, what is it?" Cloud shooed the pipe back towards Sephiroth who started blowing the smoke in Cloud's face instead. Zack would have to talk quickly.
"Sephiroth wants you to stay with him when we go back to Midgar. But he's not planning on going back to ShinRa. And I'd like to keep him as far from ShinRa as possible when he's... like this."
"Okay. Quit it, Seph, I'm trying to listen." Cloud attempted to fan the smoke away from himself.
"So, if you stayed, I mean, I think he wants you around all the time, you wouldn't be able to stay with ShinRa."
"Okay."
"Just like that? Okay? Cloud, you need to really think about this; you're blowing a big chance."
Cloud shrugged. "What chance? I failed the SOLDIER exams. I don't want to spend the rest of my life as a trooper."
"You can retake the exams, you know."
"What's the point? I'll always be too small and too weak to pass. If I go back, it'll be nothing but the same old song and dance."
Zack stared in shock; he had had no idea Cloud felt that way. He knew that he had been depressed about failing the exam, and about coming home when he wasn't a SOLDIER, but it sounded like Cloud had given up.
Cloud sighed, "If you don't like that reason, look at it this way. Sephiroth goes batshit fucking insane when I leave the room to go to the toilet. He goes more batshit fucking insane when he doesn't have weed. I can get him from no weed, to weed, without him killing anyone. He's super strong and he wants me around. You can call me a martyr and say I sacrificed my career to save the planet. A planet with a chocolaty centre."
"Fuck planetary chocolate," Sephiroth mumbled around the pipe. "It's too fucking far."
***
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