::sigh::
so its been forever since i updated but i just felt like it was the thing to do. i just got done painting my fingernails and doing my homeowork. school sucked today, i was barely awake for most of it becasue i didnt sleep the night before, and while i WAS at school i just cried the whole time, thank god for waterproof mascara right? i just dont know what to do, i feel like it was the right thing to do but i cant remeber ever feeling so full of guilt and regret. my mom says that i focus to much on the future and that i put to much pressure on myself to be grown up. i guess shes right becase now that i think about it, i just had cold feet and i ended up just messing everything up. it wasnt my intention but it happened and im sorry. i suppose that you have to just concentrate on what makes you happy in the present and just let the future happen. i just feel like everyone expects so much of me sometimes, im only one girl, a girl dangit! i never thought it would happen...its almost sureal but ill survive. i know things will never be the same, despite how hard i try things have been ruined and theres no turning back. although i try to stay optimistic, i just dont see how thats possible at this point, my little world came crashing down on me yesterday and it cruched me into a million little tiny unrepairable little pieces. lol i just feel terrible. the worst part was putting everything away. it just didnt seem right to keep all the memories lying around, one look at them and i was hysterical. it gets to the point where you've cried adn you've cried adn you pysically just cant do it anymore. although it may sound cliche, i now know the literal meaning of a heartbreak, your heart just aches and your mind is flooded with emotion. it feels like your chest is caving in and its hard to breathe. when i woke up this morning i just wanted to curl up and pull the covers over my head and go back to sleep but im not one of those girls, life goes on and things change, its part of growing up. i suppose that i knew having my heart broken was inevitable, it happens to everyone because when you find your first true love, you give your self to them completley and you become totally vulnerable and so by outting your heart out there, youre just asking to have it broken. but in conclusion i have to say that even though my heart is broken now, i wouldnt trade the world for all the memories that you have given and the unconditional love you have shown me. no matter how hurt or mad you are at me, i dont care, i dont care if you never want to talk to me again but as long as your satisfied with that then i am too because i love you, i always have loved you adn i always will...i promise. goodbye...