a life mess
It's been almost a year since I've written in this.
Whew man, a lot has changed.
My mom said something to me today that kind of threw me over the edge. After I got my acceptance letter to USC, which is absolutely ridiculous in itself, she saw how excited I was and said "honey don't get your heart into it I don't know if it can happen."
And thats when I realized that's how I've been living this entire year. I ended a relationship because I didn't want to get my heart anymore involved and I'm still a wreck. I tried to hate Emerson as much as I could because I didnt want to enjoy it too much in case I couldn't come back. I broke away from theater and everything I was passionate about my senior year because it hurt to much to think about what I had lost. I hardly visited Westford because everytime I left it hurt to know I didn't belong there anymore.
But I'm completely sick of it. I want to love not regret. And I'm sick of watching my mom cry about how her daughter can't chase her dreams and how everything is out of our reach because we can't afford it and how we have to lose so much in order to stay where we are. I'm sick of money and life setting me back and ending my last softball season in an injury and letting me down in every sense of the word. I hate that I need back up plans for everything and that I feel homeless half the time.
So this is what I have to say to everything. Yeah I'm going to set my heart on this school and this new adventure because I deserve it and I'm sick of pretending like I don't care about everything because I do care and I love my art and my life and I want to move on with the best of them and push myself. If it doesnt work, if I can't go here or back to Emerson, yeah fine I'll go through another heartbreak. But it's not worth it anymore to pretend like I don't want something just to keep from getting hurt.
I'm going to fall in love with my life again whether or not it wants to love me back. So fuck it.
Whew man, a lot has changed.
My mom said something to me today that kind of threw me over the edge. After I got my acceptance letter to USC, which is absolutely ridiculous in itself, she saw how excited I was and said "honey don't get your heart into it I don't know if it can happen."
And thats when I realized that's how I've been living this entire year. I ended a relationship because I didn't want to get my heart anymore involved and I'm still a wreck. I tried to hate Emerson as much as I could because I didnt want to enjoy it too much in case I couldn't come back. I broke away from theater and everything I was passionate about my senior year because it hurt to much to think about what I had lost. I hardly visited Westford because everytime I left it hurt to know I didn't belong there anymore.
But I'm completely sick of it. I want to love not regret. And I'm sick of watching my mom cry about how her daughter can't chase her dreams and how everything is out of our reach because we can't afford it and how we have to lose so much in order to stay where we are. I'm sick of money and life setting me back and ending my last softball season in an injury and letting me down in every sense of the word. I hate that I need back up plans for everything and that I feel homeless half the time.
So this is what I have to say to everything. Yeah I'm going to set my heart on this school and this new adventure because I deserve it and I'm sick of pretending like I don't care about everything because I do care and I love my art and my life and I want to move on with the best of them and push myself. If it doesnt work, if I can't go here or back to Emerson, yeah fine I'll go through another heartbreak. But it's not worth it anymore to pretend like I don't want something just to keep from getting hurt.
I'm going to fall in love with my life again whether or not it wants to love me back. So fuck it.