(no subject)
So its definatly been a while before I wrote in this thing. Last entry was 2005..and its now 2007. Life as brought a bunch of crazy things. I graduated high school and went to Anna Maria my first year for college..now im heading to worcester state. haha I wonder if anyone even writes in these things anymore. Anna Maria. It was good for about 3 weeks after orientation then i actually realized how fucked up the place was and how it fucked me up. October was a shitty month; I lost my grandmother who i was very close to and had a hard time dealing with it. My relationship with my boyfriend took a very nasty turn and i still feel soo soo soo at fault for everything..even though both of us said alot of things..i instigated it and i can't put my head on the pillow each night without feeling so much guilt. Needless to say, I got the fuck outta there after christmas break and moved back home and then after the spring semester and moving onto a different school. I decided it was for the best. I had a reality check and realized that I was losing the best thing that has ever happend to me and even though wer are back together, we're still working on things to get us back to where we realy were. I was the girl he fell in love with back in april of 05..and I need to bring her out again. It won't take long just because I now know what I have to do and I am doing whatever it takes..even if its putting my most important things of my personal life i.e. health on hold for a while. I dont care. I'll do anything for this boy cause he deserves everything for it. Speaking of health, Ive been putting up with a shit load of things going on with my intestines or something since march 12th, and finally im having surgery in the near future to figure out what is going on with me. Ya sure, it puts stress on me but you cant just sit there and let it run your life. Oh well, thats a quick recap. Basically, im on a long road to recovery. But anyways, I know what i have to change myself like...even if it takes me to physically write it down. I want it to work, and If i want it to help me, and the person who Im completely in love with, i will make it work for the best of us. I want to be the girl that will make him think that there's no other..and i feel as though that I let that go. Well, she's coming back, and I can promise you that. Its been one day since a wake up call reality check of a fight, but For something big to change...its gonna take a while. Just one step at a time and I hope he's patient with me. It scares me to know that deep down I do have to compete with someone else who may love him more than I do which questions myself. I know how much I love him but what if its not enough? What if she has something that I dont? What if i lose him to her? There's so many questions that I feel soo insecure about this other girl but if she claims she loves him more than i do..how can I not be insecure about it? Despite this other bitch, Im secure with the relationship..just not her area of it. I wish I could talk to him about it but it always ends up in a fight. I just hope that I talk about it out of bothersome, not to sit there and nag like a bitch to talk about it and make a fight about it. yeah, i needa get over it and realize that they are friends of some sort and that he's not giving her up for me. I dont want him to give someone up I just want her to fall out of love for him. Is that too much? I wish she would realize that im so scared to lose him to her and that she would respect that. Despite this bitch, Everything else is going smoothly..and I intend of changing myself for him of back how i used to be. Sure some of you are probably thinking why would you change yourself he should love you for who you are. Well, Im a different person than what i was back in 2005. its 2007. its been 2 years. And I didnt change in a good way, I change in a bad way. Not the type of going out losing my mind everynight and drinking into an oblivion, but more of a selfish, whiny, way..and more of a complaining way. There's no way I am staying this way, no way. Im changing back, and Im keeping that promise.