(no subject)
There is just something that I need to let out; i just need to let it all out. It's so exhausting having to work twice as much to keep myself distracted from my feelings. It's so hard not to let my emotions overcome me; it's so hard keeping myself busy and preoccupied with things, to keep myself temporarily happy and content, just so I won't have to literally break down emotionally.
Andre and I broke up two weeks ago. He broke up with me; he left me. And in a way I could've kind of understand that people get fed up with shiet. But it's like, there have been countless times that I wanted to leave him, so many, but I dealt with shiet, I accepted him for what he was and what he wasn't. I was determined to be with him whether it was bright and shiny and even on those dark, stormy, cloudy days. I would have rather been with him when we were going through shiet than be without him. That's how much I love him! And it hurts sooo much that he couldn't feel the same way. It hurts so much because he broke up with me out of anger! I'm fuckin mad too but I'm miserable. I literally cry myself to sleep every night, waking up with nasty, puffy eyes, and dreading having to face the world, having to plaster on smiles on my face, when in all reality all I really wanna do is just shut myself from the whole world. That first week we broke up, it wasn't as bad. I sort of missed being single so I was sort of having fun, going out, drinking, smoking, the whole nine; but that still didn't stop me from being depressed when I found myself lying on my bed at night. I would keep this hope inside of me, but everyday it's just slowly dying inside, it's slowly killing me inside too. I would be driving and I would just start crying like a bitch. And I hate crying, but sometimes I just can't help it, and besides, it makes me feel better after I've let all the tears fall.
And I hate it even more because I can't even concentrate on my studying. I find myself constantly reading the same sentences over and over again. I have a big ass test tomorrow, I'm planning to go to the parade tonight, and I'm wondering how the hell am I gonna pass this fuckin test?! I spoke to Andre's father yesterday for about an hour and a half and the one thing he kept stressing was to not fuck up my school. And I'm determined not to. I just feel like it's going to be twice as hard but I can still do it. I'm not gonna let this stupid break up get in the way with me making $$$ in two years. Bad thing is though, two of my professors have already pulled me aside last week, asking me if everything was okay. They told me I've been looking so withdrawn and just not there. Damn, I gotta work on that now. I just don't like it when people notice that I'm depressed and then start asking what's wrong. Like as if immah tell them!
Sometimes I would also ask myself if I want him back--- and yes I do want him back; But more than anything I just miss him, I miss him sssoooo much. It hurts because the one time that I let all my emotions go, let myself feel everything, allowed myself to fall in love unconditionally, set aside my fears of commitment and getting hurt, and KABLAM!--- my heart gets run over anyways. Now I know why they call it "brokenhearted, heartaches and pains", because my heart literally hurts, it hurts so much that I find myself not being able to breath, literally gasping for air, and just wanting to throw up because everything just feels so nasty. Sometimes I wish I could just throw up all my emotions and they would all go away. I've just never been this hurt that sometimes I feel like I don't know how to deal with it. I don't wanna have to start all over again. I don't wanna have to put myself back in the "sea" and having to kick game or have cornball guys kick game to me. I don't wanna have to be dealing with all of that. It's sad but I saw myself with Andre for quite a long time, and when I mean for a long time, I'm talking about living together and kids and stuff. There would be times when we would just talk forever about our future plans together, me being a RN and him being an Accountant and where we would live and how many kids we would have, and all that bullshiet. I never saw myself staying that long with anybody but him.
And I already know what people are gonna say... "oOoH you're young, you'll meet somebody better later.. taaarraahh trraahhrahhhahh taarraahhhh..." Yes I know that very well, but when you're hurting like hell, when you're missing somebody like hell, when you're emotionally distressed as hell, those words are not the most comforting to hear; nothing is. Maybe I'll look back to this a year or two from now and laugh to myself for letting my emotions get to me, but right now, i can't help it... what can i say, I fell in love... *shrugs*
And the hardest thing yet is that he's supposed to be coming by later to pick up some of his stuff. I don't know if I'm even ready to see him y'know? I don't know how I'm going to react. I don't wanna break down and cry in front of him. I would love to be cold-hearted and be non-chalant about everything, but I can't do that when all I wanna do when I see him is just run into his arms and hug him like there's no tomorrow and never let him go. I'm scared that he'll just push me off, or I'm scared that he's the one who's gonna act so cold-hearted and non-chalant, just grab his things, and bounce. You know how much that's going to hurt me even more? That's like a bulldozer ramming your heart up to your throat~!
And that ladies and gentlemen is a side of me that I have exposed. Heartless as I may appear to a lot, I am one of the most emotional people you'll ever encounter.
Andre and I broke up two weeks ago. He broke up with me; he left me. And in a way I could've kind of understand that people get fed up with shiet. But it's like, there have been countless times that I wanted to leave him, so many, but I dealt with shiet, I accepted him for what he was and what he wasn't. I was determined to be with him whether it was bright and shiny and even on those dark, stormy, cloudy days. I would have rather been with him when we were going through shiet than be without him. That's how much I love him! And it hurts sooo much that he couldn't feel the same way. It hurts so much because he broke up with me out of anger! I'm fuckin mad too but I'm miserable. I literally cry myself to sleep every night, waking up with nasty, puffy eyes, and dreading having to face the world, having to plaster on smiles on my face, when in all reality all I really wanna do is just shut myself from the whole world. That first week we broke up, it wasn't as bad. I sort of missed being single so I was sort of having fun, going out, drinking, smoking, the whole nine; but that still didn't stop me from being depressed when I found myself lying on my bed at night. I would keep this hope inside of me, but everyday it's just slowly dying inside, it's slowly killing me inside too. I would be driving and I would just start crying like a bitch. And I hate crying, but sometimes I just can't help it, and besides, it makes me feel better after I've let all the tears fall.
And I hate it even more because I can't even concentrate on my studying. I find myself constantly reading the same sentences over and over again. I have a big ass test tomorrow, I'm planning to go to the parade tonight, and I'm wondering how the hell am I gonna pass this fuckin test?! I spoke to Andre's father yesterday for about an hour and a half and the one thing he kept stressing was to not fuck up my school. And I'm determined not to. I just feel like it's going to be twice as hard but I can still do it. I'm not gonna let this stupid break up get in the way with me making $$$ in two years. Bad thing is though, two of my professors have already pulled me aside last week, asking me if everything was okay. They told me I've been looking so withdrawn and just not there. Damn, I gotta work on that now. I just don't like it when people notice that I'm depressed and then start asking what's wrong. Like as if immah tell them!
Sometimes I would also ask myself if I want him back--- and yes I do want him back; But more than anything I just miss him, I miss him sssoooo much. It hurts because the one time that I let all my emotions go, let myself feel everything, allowed myself to fall in love unconditionally, set aside my fears of commitment and getting hurt, and KABLAM!--- my heart gets run over anyways. Now I know why they call it "brokenhearted, heartaches and pains", because my heart literally hurts, it hurts so much that I find myself not being able to breath, literally gasping for air, and just wanting to throw up because everything just feels so nasty. Sometimes I wish I could just throw up all my emotions and they would all go away. I've just never been this hurt that sometimes I feel like I don't know how to deal with it. I don't wanna have to start all over again. I don't wanna have to put myself back in the "sea" and having to kick game or have cornball guys kick game to me. I don't wanna have to be dealing with all of that. It's sad but I saw myself with Andre for quite a long time, and when I mean for a long time, I'm talking about living together and kids and stuff. There would be times when we would just talk forever about our future plans together, me being a RN and him being an Accountant and where we would live and how many kids we would have, and all that bullshiet. I never saw myself staying that long with anybody but him.
And I already know what people are gonna say... "oOoH you're young, you'll meet somebody better later.. taaarraahh trraahhrahhhahh taarraahhhh..." Yes I know that very well, but when you're hurting like hell, when you're missing somebody like hell, when you're emotionally distressed as hell, those words are not the most comforting to hear; nothing is. Maybe I'll look back to this a year or two from now and laugh to myself for letting my emotions get to me, but right now, i can't help it... what can i say, I fell in love... *shrugs*
And the hardest thing yet is that he's supposed to be coming by later to pick up some of his stuff. I don't know if I'm even ready to see him y'know? I don't know how I'm going to react. I don't wanna break down and cry in front of him. I would love to be cold-hearted and be non-chalant about everything, but I can't do that when all I wanna do when I see him is just run into his arms and hug him like there's no tomorrow and never let him go. I'm scared that he'll just push me off, or I'm scared that he's the one who's gonna act so cold-hearted and non-chalant, just grab his things, and bounce. You know how much that's going to hurt me even more? That's like a bulldozer ramming your heart up to your throat~!
And that ladies and gentlemen is a side of me that I have exposed. Heartless as I may appear to a lot, I am one of the most emotional people you'll ever encounter.