id give up forever to touch you...cause i know that you feel me somehow
this is one of those mometns me and my counselor talked about. when youre home, and have nothing to do. so you sit. and think. and most often than not, that thinking is negative. and you can spare me all that "its just how you view it" bullshit. its not how anyone views it. its just how it is. and right now for me, life is just plain shitty. i found out the other day, just by happening to read an email, that my parents marriage.. is falling apart. its uncertain day to day whether theyll still be together by the end of the year. and somewhere in there there was something about miscarriages and other details i dont want to go into. but everything i thought was true about how they got together was...just a lie. and trying to deal with that, without telling anybody..is hard. but you cant. its just not something you can really explain, and once you do, theres no point. noones pity or condolences can really solve it. they just make you feel even worse for having saying something in the first place. and then even mentioning youre having a "bad day" or youre feeling kind of depressed to a friend just gets you an eyeroll. and a big speech about how youre just over exaggerating and blah blah blah. but maybe i just have high expectations. in fact, i know i do. but being uncertain about so many things makes me feel like im going to fail at..life. its so uncertain whether im going to make it at what i WANT to do in life. i mean i know double majoring in fashion/acting sounds self-centered..stupid.. and just like what some stupid idiot might want to do. even though the chances of actually becoming successful are so slim, you wonder why you even do it. so you think, why not minor in psych? because i would probably never make it out of college. and you only live once..and doing something you really dont want to do for the rest of your life..isnt worth living for. and then theres the uncertainty of not knowing if the friends you talk to, call, eat with, everyday..are gonna be there a year from now.. or even tomorrow. what if they just suddenly..go. or when we all go to college...face it. almost 90 percent of the people you talk to everyday..you wont even think about in two years. isnt that scary? then theres...lack of.. oh hell ill say it. lack of getting any. besides my random drunken states where the most i get from is my best friend and a gay guy..(well there is that one time.....) the last time i got any was in april. april! and it wasnt even much. but it was from someone i truly cared for. someone who i STILL care for. even though theyre too blind to see it. and who could get someone better than me like *that*. but i still try. why..i dont know. but i do. and im sitting here talking to them right now. praying to god..to cady..to anybody whos willing to listen.. that i just want another chance. and i know life doesnt offer very many second chances. but maybe..just maybe..i could have just one..