(no subject)
wow... i obviously havent been here in awhile. doubt anybody will bother reading this and the old stuff but ya. guess i just need some space for myself to.. feel better? idk myself either. hah, kinda pathetic huh.
the past few weeks have been.. hard... very difficult. i feel myself breaking down more and more as each day passes... as much as im trying and as /open/ as i am to some of the ones close to me... i dont even know how to bring some things up and keeping it in is just killing me more and more. i dont want to start self-harming and i hate having suicidal thoughts again but i feel so... empty... as fine as i look on the outside, im broken. something just feels like it's missing. call it PMS but i know that feeling like this for weeks isnt healthy and its so hard to try to feel and act all happy but be trying to stay afloat on the inside...
to make things better.... im a step closer to being bulimic. the more i look at myself, i get more and more disgusted. i....... like 2 weeks ago, i was kneeling down in front of the toilet bowl after a lunch at an expensive hotel forcing things out and purging.. i know its bad for me but..... 10 minutes after dinner today, 90% of my meal is already back to the sewers. funny how i ended up a bit hungry after and stupidly got myself food.. only to come home to realise my mum was home so i couldnt purge.. now i feel grossed out.. hopefully i will try to have some food inside of me tomorrow.. at least when im at dinner with my mum..
no one else knows of all these things and by posting this, ill probably look back years down and laugh at myself.
about 1.5 months more. i know that things will get worse... i wont be feeling /happier/ soon... and im afraid of actually crumbling one day in front of others... but i want to stop feeling so.. empty... so... tired..
(( idk why im posting this when i swear no one will be reading lol. on a happier note, few more hours to niall's bday tho its alr 12 here. the only thing making me feel 'worthy' and at least smiling (and tearing up, sorry) a bit these days is 1D. (pls dont judge me lol.) anw i really want someone to watch this is us with me.... really... ))
the past few weeks have been.. hard... very difficult. i feel myself breaking down more and more as each day passes... as much as im trying and as /open/ as i am to some of the ones close to me... i dont even know how to bring some things up and keeping it in is just killing me more and more. i dont want to start self-harming and i hate having suicidal thoughts again but i feel so... empty... as fine as i look on the outside, im broken. something just feels like it's missing. call it PMS but i know that feeling like this for weeks isnt healthy and its so hard to try to feel and act all happy but be trying to stay afloat on the inside...
to make things better.... im a step closer to being bulimic. the more i look at myself, i get more and more disgusted. i....... like 2 weeks ago, i was kneeling down in front of the toilet bowl after a lunch at an expensive hotel forcing things out and purging.. i know its bad for me but..... 10 minutes after dinner today, 90% of my meal is already back to the sewers. funny how i ended up a bit hungry after and stupidly got myself food.. only to come home to realise my mum was home so i couldnt purge.. now i feel grossed out.. hopefully i will try to have some food inside of me tomorrow.. at least when im at dinner with my mum..
no one else knows of all these things and by posting this, ill probably look back years down and laugh at myself.
about 1.5 months more. i know that things will get worse... i wont be feeling /happier/ soon... and im afraid of actually crumbling one day in front of others... but i want to stop feeling so.. empty... so... tired..
(( idk why im posting this when i swear no one will be reading lol. on a happier note, few more hours to niall's bday tho its alr 12 here. the only thing making me feel 'worthy' and at least smiling (and tearing up, sorry) a bit these days is 1D. (pls dont judge me lol.) anw i really want someone to watch this is us with me.... really... ))