(no subject)
It is pretty pathetic that I am a 21 year old on Live Journal on the first Saturday night of Summer vacation. Both of my roommates are gone, my boyfriend is at work, I have tried texting a few people but alas, here I am.
It is always shocking to me when I reread some of my previous posts. I feel like I am becoming less intelligent as I grow older. Honestly, I have been less interested in reading or learning in the past year. I don't know if this is because I am becoming lazier or if I am focusing on other goals. In the past I didn't have to worry about much of anything, but now I am starting to shape the rest of my career and life. It does disappoint me that I am so much less interested in sitting down and reading a novel. I remember when I read Fountainhead and I could NOT put the book down....especially at work. Maybe I just need to find the RIGHT book to read. I tried reading Ulysses and it was so boring and confusing I couldn't get past the first chapter. I had to retreat to spark notes just to understand what the characters were talking about/doing. I have been reading Les Miserables but I got to a point where the author starting focusing on the philosophy of the catholic church in the 1800's and I can't seem to get past it. I think as a treat for myself I am going to go to a bookstore and buy a few interesting novels that are written by contemporary authors. I love Ayn Rand, Amy Tan, Joseph Heller, and Kurt Vonnegut Jr. I kind of exhausted the last three authors but I'm sure I will be able to find a few books that I can enjoy. I just want to start reading and feel like I can't put the book down.
I miss dating Ben. I know this sounds really strange but I feel like I was in a natural state with him. I miss laying on the bed reading a random book that I found at his house while he played video games. Occasionally I would turn and quote something from my book or he would show me something on the computer but we didn't have to talk, we just were together. I never felt bored. I always wanted to be around him too. Getting off of work at Oregano's and calling him immediately and showing up at his house...It's funny that I felt like I could not get enough of him and now I have a boyfriend that can't get enough of me. I was so deeply and madly in love with Ben. He hurt me so badly and truly broke my heart but I didn't care because he was perfect. It makes me sad that when I think about him now I realize that he wasn't who I fell in love with...just a figment of my imagination.
He kept me involved with people though. I liked that. At his old house when we would all be sitting in the kitchen talking and smoking weed. It's weird imagining my relationship with his friends. I loved all of his friends as though they were my own. Looking back, those were just my people. Although I plan on being successful and in business, I enjoy being around people that are laid back, smoke weed, and are nonjudgmental. Let's get real, I don't fit in with gym rats or Scottsdale girls. I feel like they are empty headed and annoying. I don't want to rage face everyday, I just want to hang out at the house with friends and maybe go out every once in a while. I'm really excited about my friendship with Heather because even though certain things about her annoy me..I definitely think that we are similar in that respect.
I feel like I have no one to really talk to. Zack is there but I don't feel like I can actually have a conversation with him. I don't know...I feel like I just want to push him away half of the time. I feel so passive aggressive that I want to ignore him or lash out and tell him not to both coming over but there's no point because I will just be alone and he will go out with his friends or something. I'm sick of him working at a bar. It's so trashy and he's around slutty girls all night. I wish I could hang out with a bunch of sleazy guys all night and see how he would feel. I am alone every Friday and Saturday night and I just want to text another guy. I feel so frustrated and lonely and desperate that is what I want to do. When I was single I would not be home right now. I am starting to feel like I am trapped in a relationship. He is my best friend and only friend but I almost would rather be single so I could talk to whomever I want and not feel guilty.
What if I want to talk to Dan? I feel like ignoring Dan is a daily struggle for me. I go through phases. Sometimes my feelings are stronger and sometimes they fade. On nights like tonight they are stronger. I think Dan just represents a way out for me. I never felt like this with Ben though. I look at every single one of his pictures...dream about him....envision the moment that I am single so I can finally talk to him. I know this is all in my imagination though. It's just that he is so persistent with me it makes me feel as though I am something special.
I feel pathetic going to my boyfriend and telling him I am lonely. I just caved and texted him. I feel angry that he is at work with a bunch of slutty girls and I am at home crying myself to sleep. It's not that I didn't try to find something to do tonight. I really did. But even when I try nothing comes of it. It makes me want to push everyone away and stop trying. It seems that the only relationships that come easily for me are sexual ones. It is very easy for me to find a boyfriend....or to date guys....but so difficult for me to find an intimate friend.
I guess I will just watch reruns of How I Met Your Mother and pretend those people are my friends...
It is always shocking to me when I reread some of my previous posts. I feel like I am becoming less intelligent as I grow older. Honestly, I have been less interested in reading or learning in the past year. I don't know if this is because I am becoming lazier or if I am focusing on other goals. In the past I didn't have to worry about much of anything, but now I am starting to shape the rest of my career and life. It does disappoint me that I am so much less interested in sitting down and reading a novel. I remember when I read Fountainhead and I could NOT put the book down....especially at work. Maybe I just need to find the RIGHT book to read. I tried reading Ulysses and it was so boring and confusing I couldn't get past the first chapter. I had to retreat to spark notes just to understand what the characters were talking about/doing. I have been reading Les Miserables but I got to a point where the author starting focusing on the philosophy of the catholic church in the 1800's and I can't seem to get past it. I think as a treat for myself I am going to go to a bookstore and buy a few interesting novels that are written by contemporary authors. I love Ayn Rand, Amy Tan, Joseph Heller, and Kurt Vonnegut Jr. I kind of exhausted the last three authors but I'm sure I will be able to find a few books that I can enjoy. I just want to start reading and feel like I can't put the book down.
I miss dating Ben. I know this sounds really strange but I feel like I was in a natural state with him. I miss laying on the bed reading a random book that I found at his house while he played video games. Occasionally I would turn and quote something from my book or he would show me something on the computer but we didn't have to talk, we just were together. I never felt bored. I always wanted to be around him too. Getting off of work at Oregano's and calling him immediately and showing up at his house...It's funny that I felt like I could not get enough of him and now I have a boyfriend that can't get enough of me. I was so deeply and madly in love with Ben. He hurt me so badly and truly broke my heart but I didn't care because he was perfect. It makes me sad that when I think about him now I realize that he wasn't who I fell in love with...just a figment of my imagination.
He kept me involved with people though. I liked that. At his old house when we would all be sitting in the kitchen talking and smoking weed. It's weird imagining my relationship with his friends. I loved all of his friends as though they were my own. Looking back, those were just my people. Although I plan on being successful and in business, I enjoy being around people that are laid back, smoke weed, and are nonjudgmental. Let's get real, I don't fit in with gym rats or Scottsdale girls. I feel like they are empty headed and annoying. I don't want to rage face everyday, I just want to hang out at the house with friends and maybe go out every once in a while. I'm really excited about my friendship with Heather because even though certain things about her annoy me..I definitely think that we are similar in that respect.
I feel like I have no one to really talk to. Zack is there but I don't feel like I can actually have a conversation with him. I don't know...I feel like I just want to push him away half of the time. I feel so passive aggressive that I want to ignore him or lash out and tell him not to both coming over but there's no point because I will just be alone and he will go out with his friends or something. I'm sick of him working at a bar. It's so trashy and he's around slutty girls all night. I wish I could hang out with a bunch of sleazy guys all night and see how he would feel. I am alone every Friday and Saturday night and I just want to text another guy. I feel so frustrated and lonely and desperate that is what I want to do. When I was single I would not be home right now. I am starting to feel like I am trapped in a relationship. He is my best friend and only friend but I almost would rather be single so I could talk to whomever I want and not feel guilty.
What if I want to talk to Dan? I feel like ignoring Dan is a daily struggle for me. I go through phases. Sometimes my feelings are stronger and sometimes they fade. On nights like tonight they are stronger. I think Dan just represents a way out for me. I never felt like this with Ben though. I look at every single one of his pictures...dream about him....envision the moment that I am single so I can finally talk to him. I know this is all in my imagination though. It's just that he is so persistent with me it makes me feel as though I am something special.
I feel pathetic going to my boyfriend and telling him I am lonely. I just caved and texted him. I feel angry that he is at work with a bunch of slutty girls and I am at home crying myself to sleep. It's not that I didn't try to find something to do tonight. I really did. But even when I try nothing comes of it. It makes me want to push everyone away and stop trying. It seems that the only relationships that come easily for me are sexual ones. It is very easy for me to find a boyfriend....or to date guys....but so difficult for me to find an intimate friend.
I guess I will just watch reruns of How I Met Your Mother and pretend those people are my friends...