Jan 26, 2007 21:22
my updates are rare... it feels about that time though. i have a lot that feels like it's just been sitting on my heart for a bit, not in a bad way.
let me be completely honest... since the new year i have aquired this new characteristic.. i suppose you could say. this is not at all an intentional change or something i want. to put it simple, every guy i begin to have feelings for or grow interest for is immediately lost after the "hook up" point. now, many have called me a "dude" due to this change. maybe that is how (SOME)guys really are, that would explain a lot. having this occur four times within the first month of the new year was quite astonishing. i don't want to be that girl and up until last night i thought i was doomed. something inside of me all of a sudden grabbed hold on me and just shook the old me back into mind for about ten seconds...everything paused, and in those ten seconds i felt my heart sink and i felt like me, maybe even the old me... the girl who was so insecure, always came second, never felt good enough. now, this strange event made me feel like a new person because THAT girl..little ms. insecure doesn't exist anymore. this filled me with happiness. i have been aiming for that for years, to finally be comfortable with myself and it is that time. it's sort of surreal. i can say that i am who i am, this is the lady i want to be, i am able to feel things i have never before. the door has been opened and i won't let it close. so as positive as i am that this "dude" stage is over, maybe it isn't. the only way to find out is if i can feel more than i have before, so i sit and wait...without a worry in the world.
i'm becoming healthy again.
school is going wonderfully.
i miss traveling, i need that soon.
the infamous chadwick powell wants us to come to chicago to watch the bowl with them, it would be wonderful. it's a stretch though. i miss the boy dearly... and of course every single one of the others as well.
2005 was our year, 2006 they grew and we joined the fun watching them proudly...2007 is here, and i could have tears for what comes next but only out of joy. santi, their new album, is going to bring them more than they could imagine. i know this only from hearing little of the new material and understanding the talent that lives within their skins. as i know april 3, 2007 will come very fast... it scares me. the diminishing time that we have together will fade even more. they will be on a rollercoaster spinning out of control and i'll sit on the side, watch and just smile for them. ..because i know things will be different forever after that. good luck boys, not that you need an ounce of it.
i need to get out of my rags and clean up now.
spilling your guts feels nice.